Grace Full

I surrender all I am for who You are.

Read that again.

And again.

What does this mean?

I deal with my insufficiency day by day, although I often pat myself on my back for my ability to control myself.

But this morning as I rolled over in bed when my alarm went off at 6:30, waking me up for a run and starting to get me back into Millar schedule, I rebelled.

I'm tired. I'm achy. I AM NOT GETTING UP. I know what I said I would do. I know what's right, even if it's simply a standard I set for myself, but I refuse. 

And so I slept on, tossing and turning, retreating from the encroaching morning sunlight.

Eventually I crawled out of bed, and sat there, despaired.

I love control. I love knowing that I can control myself, that I can conquer any bad habit or tendency if I simply try. But there are days when I fail (I mean, this should come as a taken, right, Christy? Along with the whole fallen humanity dealio? You didn't realize that.... oh.... awkward moment). I beat myself up, although I know given the chance to rewind the hours, I would do exactly the same thing.

It's not that I sinned by sleeping in, but rather that I was faced again with how much of a failure I am to even control my sleeping habits. And if I'm a failure at controlling my sleeping habits, why do I even pretend that I've got this whole righteousness thing down pat?

Although it's been a continual lesson over the past year at Millar, it was just impressed anew to me this morning - salvation is all about insufficiency.

We are not enough.

Not enough to be able to come into the presence of a holy God.

Who may worship in your sanctuary, LORD? Who may enter your presence on your holy hill? Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right, speaking the truth from sincere hearts. (Psalm 15:1-2)

This Psalm goes on to list the qualities of the person who can approach the Lord, but that first one catches me right off guard. I mean, why not go up from smaller to greater qualities, but, ok, then, hit me with the biggest one first, why don'tcha?

Those who lead blameless lives.

I'm pretty sure that phrase finds no place in the definition of Christy Scott.

Nuh-uh. No blamess life being lived over here.

And it's not for lack of effort. Not in the least. I try, and I try, and sometimes I purpose to fail simply because I feel the weight of never being enough.

Then there's the one point. The one time when truth was spoken and I saw, even as a little three year old, that I needed Something else...  I needed Someone else.

And as much as I recognize that He is the only One who saves, I guess I forget that He continues to be the only One who can save, every. single. day.

As I wake up, is my first prayer, "I cannot live this day alone. I ask you to shred away another layer of my selfish hold and instead interpose Yourself into every situation."?

No.

And I lifted myself up from my bed and got ready to shower, and then got my computer, and for the first time in a long time, listened to music while I showered. And the words of simple Amazing Grace hit home again.

How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

Grace. Amazing Grace.

He's full of it.

Will you take it?

Every day, will it be your companion, the assurance that you are not doing this thing alone? That you are no longer yourself, for you have been crucified, you have died, you have risen again... with Christ?

And here's a marvelous old hymn that just summed up what I just splattered everywhere on this post:

Marvelous grace of our loving Lord,
Grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt!
Yonder on Calvary’s mount outpoured,
There where the blood of the Lamb was spilled.

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin.

Sin and despair, like the sea waves cold,
Threaten the soul with infinite loss;
Grace that is greater, yes, grace untold,
Points to the refuge, the mighty cross.

Dark is the stain that we cannot hide.
What can avail to wash it away?
Look! There is flowing a crimson tide,
Brighter than snow you may be today.

Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
Freely bestowed on all who believe!
You that are longing to see His face,
Will you this moment His grace receive?