Not an Accessory

I was talking to someone the other day, about the adventures of some my friends who are over in Asia right now. With everything that they see day to day, she said, "You start to really realize that God cannot be an accessory,  He is your very being."

Being back from Camp, where I can be lazy and choose not to meet with Him, it's so easy to descend to the level of making Him an accessory, as an extra in my day, instead of the very reason that I am living this day.

Right now, wherever you are, the breath you just breathed was given to you by One who holds your very existence in His hands. The things we worry about so much in life, things like jobs, careers, marriage partners, futures, all fall away as worthless when we realize what's really important.

I think that's why I love my sunsets/sunrises so much. The very expanse of the sky painted in varying colours reminds me why I am here. Of how nothing matters except for Him. Of course, normal life comes into play, and it's harder to see Him and how He works together with everyday life.

Throughout my day, I often find myself saying, "This is what I'm going to do. What do you think?" instead of "Here's what's going on... I know that You know about it already, and this is what I'm feeling... What should I do? I need Your wisdom." I put myself into the very driver's seat that He created.

It blows my mind that He chose to create humankind, already knowing the pain that it would cause Him, but also the great reward He would have in those who chose to follow Him anyway. That kind of God, the one who created everything we see, who spoke to Moses through the burning bush, still speaks to us everyday through other people, through His word. Crazy...

We undermine God with thinking that this life is about us. Because that's what the world wants us to think. Really... we're inconsequential. Rather, God chose us to be the messengers of His word. He could have just done it Himself, but by doing it through us, He's also refining us and teaching us more about Himself.

So often, I block that stream that longs to pour through me with my own worries, doubts, instead of abandoning myself to the One who created me. I create my own shell around my heart, thinking that He calls me to a life of sacrifice... and He does. But His rewards are so much better than what I think is good for me. Everything that He does for me is for my own good.

And I want to pursue with everything in me that God who created me for His joy, who laughs with me, who longs for me to meet with Him in the morning and yet doesn't need me in the slightest, but still pursues me passionately, who calls me to follow His lead in the complicated, twirling, amazing dance of life. And He promises that I will find Him.... so much more than an accessory.

In Her Smile

Do you ever have those moments that are so surreal that you feel as if you're being wrapped in ribbons of happiness and sealed with forever?

She came into my room, this little 9 year-old sister of mine, and asked me if I would put her to bed. Since I was only surfing on FB and talking to someone, I said sure, mindful of how few times I have left to do so, and how quickly she is growing up.

I caught her before she had walked out of my room, swooping her up into my arms, so that I was carrying her across-the-threshold style. Making our way down the hallway and into her tiny pink 'n purple room, I set her down on her bed and waited while she arranged her blankets just so. I lent a hand covering up her window for her (at least I'm taller than her!), and then sat back down as she snuggled down.

We started talking, but soon it evolved into me trying to make her break a solemn face. Which, you can guess, soon led into a tickle fight. That led to name-calling... or, more specifically, nut-calling. I called her a nut, she called me a walnut, I responded with the specification of peanut, she thought awhile and then shot back "Pecan!", to which I replied with "Pistachio!"... and then I won because she couldn't think of anymore and I still had "hazelnut" in my arsenal.

And she smiled. You should know, Boo, that you are absolutely beautiful. Big blue eyes, honey-blonde hair, little nose, a light sprinkling of freckles, and an amazing smile. And that's why I turned serious all of a sudden and said, "Never lose that smile, Boo." And you smiled back.

We're so much a like, and I want you to learn from a young age that you need to be who you are, no matter what the world says, or the image that is projected that you are supposedly supposed to live up to. It took me so long to learn that lesson, and if I can make it easier for you, I will.

I hope so much for your life, Boo. I'm so glad that you "like that I love you", and that you want to Skype when I'm gone.

We moved on to a touching-the-other-person's-nose battle and ended it with me holding her arms down while I prayed for her future and for a peaceful night.

Then I let go of her arms, unwrapped her feet from around my waist, attempted to close the door and booked it down the hallway to my mom's room, yelling "Sanction!" and hiding behind J.

We were both ordered back to her room, and I finally succeeded in putting her to bed.

And that one moment is cemented with her smile.

In These Lasts

It's been forever since I've blogged, and I apologize. Life has been twirling on its pinwheel stick, never really going anywhere, but yet seeming like it's going in dizzying circles.

But in this season of lasts, as so many thing wrap up, while so many are just beginning to unfold, He is here. And as I face this summer, with a successful graduation behind me, there's only one thing running through my head. If the past few days were a slideshow, this would be the background song.

This song has permeated everything that I've felt, even though it's all bottled up inside and I haven't had time to process and think everything through. It's going to take awhile to sort through it all, to cry a bit, to make some promises, to scrapbook it all, etc.

But even as I listen to this song play as I write this, my eyes fill and shivers run up and down my back and I smile to myself. I regret to say that with all the busyness, I haven't attended to meeting with Him as much as I should have, but my relationship with Him, although strengthened by daily communion, is not defined by this  ritual. Rather, He's been here the entire time..  and right now.

He was there when I finished my last of work, when I walked out of my last diploma (Physics 30... yech!), when I stepped out onto that Willy Wonka stage in my blue dress, when I heard S speak words of love and blessing over me, when I walked up to that stage wearing my cap, when I received my diploma, when I was being bestowed with acknowledgements that were unexpected and fulfilling, when walking out of the gym with my tassel flipped to the other side, when meeting with those who love me and have watched me grow to become the person I am today, when opening the gifts and cards that they brought, when being overwhelmed with the blessings bestowed upon me, when boarding the bus with my other classmates, when go karting, paintballing, and bowling until breakfast this morning, when crashing into my bed and sleeping my day way (going to sleep tonight will be interesting), and now as I sit underneath my covers, with my room a mess, so many things to get done, and yet with weariness sitting right behind my eyeballs, with sunshine coming into my window, and now, this song playing.

Because that's all I can do. Worship His holy name. I am not perfect, but He is. And He has brought me through so much to reach this day. I am so incredibly, unbelievably, overwhelmingly, loved by a sovereign God. I am so blessed.

And it's only the end of the beginning.

In His Gifts

I woke up this morning, peeling open eyelids wanting desperately to shut, starting the conversation that I've had a million times before, inside of my head.

"Would you mind if I slept in, Father? Just today. I need an extra half-an-hour. I could maybe squeeze you in at such-and-such a time. What do you say?"

But even while all of this is running through my head, I know that I should be doing the hard thing and waking up and meeting with Him, because how close I am to Him depends on me... not Him.

It depends on the amount of time I am willing to spend getting to know the Creator who formed me beautifully and for His purposes.

And as I lay there this morning, having this silent conversation, I heard noises outside.

I got up by instinct, found nothing, and went into the bathroom to wash my face and put my contacts.

While I was doing so, my sleepiness was heavy on me, but all of a sudden this well of joy washed over me.

And I breathed in, and breathed out, and it washed over and over and over me.

I almost didn't want to move, but to live in the moment of joy, of connection..... of feeling.

It was there, at my lowest, that He showed me His unfathomable, undeniable, unforgettable joy.

* * * * *

I opened the door and motioned the teacher over. Hoping not to sound too desperate, I asked, "Is there any physical way that I could get an extension on this project?"

I was so tired, I had it kinda-not-really done (in case he said no), and I was feeling no competence on any level, much less genius.

And as I tried to list off my litany of woes without whining, but to prove my point, I was so relieved when he answered, "Yes." 

Now to get it done...

* * * * *

We walked home from the Global Connections service tonight, my little Boo and I. The only ones left in the house, it had taken some persuading, dragging, and use of authority, to get her to go, but she had gone.

And as we walked home, we jumped played the "lava lines" game (in which, if you are so ignorant as to not know the rules, you start with 15 to whatever-amount-you-want-to-make of lives, and then die successive deaths when you step on the sidewalk cracks or puddles). 

We pulled each other into puddles, jumped lines, skipped down the sidewalk, and laughed.

Her laughter is an amazing thing, this one that looks so much like me. And as I start a week where I am often placed in a position of authority, it's a nice reminder that laughter and enjoyment need to be part of everyday life, instead of only rules and regulations.

And He showed me the gift of life today. The gift of feeling in every moment, of breathing in and breathing out... and being.

In Others

I watched your face that Friday night, as you echoed the conductor's movements. The jerks with your arms, the moving up and down with your head, the wide grin that spread across your face.

I watched you, as you watched them.

Musicians creating a masterpiece of beauty. Reconstructing music that you listened to when young. Bringing to life composers long dead.

I watched your face, one that has watched over me for over sixteen years now. Those brown eyes that crinkle when you laugh, that smile when I read excerpts of stories that made me laugh.

Those laugh lines that are well creased every day. The dark hair now glistening with gray.

Those arms that have held me close so often, when I've cried, when I've laughed, when I wake up in the morning and we're both in our pjs, and say good morning.

Those arms that make me feel oh, so *safe*. Those arms that are liberally sprinkled with freckles, ones that I've inherited, ones that you use to answer my question about time with, "Three freckles past a hair."

A face that I've come to respect and love so much.

A face that helps me see my heavenly Father so much clearer.

It was your Christmas gift, but it was also mine.

*****

We perched on desks, that Monday morning, brainstorming, creating, improvising, laughing. 

That group that has drawn me so close these past few months. That group that gives me the freedom to be myself. 

None of us know what we're getting ourselves into, but we all know that we are weak. 

And when we arrive in Colombia, we'll draw even closer together, forming a team that will give community a new meaning.

I'm so thankful for the camaraderie, of the letting go of stereotypes and former conclusions, for the willingness to see beyond the outside to what each individual is trying to keep hidden.

And I see Him... in every single one of you. 

*****

I walked into the store, causing a beeping to sound. And your helpers told me that you were coming. 

You appeared, decked out with jacket, scarf, hat, backpack, swimming bag, lunch bag and purse.

And you hugged me. 

Those hugs that seem to tell me that everything is alright, because there is such a thing as unconditional love.

We walk to your house, discussing what we're going to do next.

And I find it amazing that although I'm the only one that can speak, our conversations thrive. Your hands move quickly in repeated patterns, emphasizing what you want, and I reassure you that we can do what you desire. 

You finish eating and we set out, bundled up and shuffling down the sidewalk, heading out to meet people and get around.

And the frustration of former days comes to my mind and I softly ask you if you will make a promise to me, to not dawdle, but to do things succinctly and well.

You comply. It happens, and I am left amazed at the capacity your brain, that some call "disabled", has. 

The capacity to understand how to help those who hurt, to smile when I need a perk in my day, to stop for hugs at any time, even when in the middle of the street.

Sometimes I wonder what others think, but you show me that it doesn't matter. Because life is amazing, and hugs is your way of living.

It doesn't go perfectly, we struggle and argue. There are misunderstandings, but you say sorry and immediately come round with a hug again. 

It's that unconditional love that He's been teaching me through you. Love beyond what the promises you break, the days that go downhill, the times when I am tempted to give up. 

Love because of who you are. 

Love that you continually give to me.

*****

I pulled on my jacket as she pulled up. A friend transporting me to a place filled with friends. 

And even though there was studying to be done, a Diploma the next day, I needed those hours.

Hours spent stuffing myself with double-stuffed Oreos, Taco chips and salsa. Hours spent playing Dutch Blitz and Apples to Apples.

Hours spent surrounded by those who have meant so much to me these last three years. You guys have seen me grow spiritually in so many ways. 

To be surrounded by the leaders and girls of our Monday night Bible Study and the joy that was found in talking, shrieking in indignation, laughing about mistakes, sharing needs, and praying before we left.

And I feel so free, so safe, to able to express myself in ways often hidden, among that group. 

Free to make mistakes, admit my weakness, knowing that others understand and that when brought before Him in a group, my problems don't seem so big anymore. 

*****

And I am so thankful. 

Thankful for the way that He surrounds me with people like you.

Unbelievable people who grant me the freedom to make mistakes, to learn, and to be myself.

Thank you.

Serving

I came home that day, longing for peace and quiet. To go to bed early on this first night of a long weekend. To prepare for a strenuous, time consuming life to be played out through the next three days. I open the door, and find three giggly girls set up in the livingroom. I groan to myself.

Then I look closer, and see them in sparkly dress, with stations set out in little girl fashion. One for hair, one for nails, and one for "makeup." They pull on our hands, my Boo and her friends, me, J, and our friend.

She pulls out that little girl voice that bugs me so much. "Chwisty.." Goodness gracious, I'm thinking to myself, you're eight years old... a lisp is anything but cute at your age.

But then I had to pause. As I took in the scene, it made me travel back many years ago, to when I held such parties. I never had an older sister. I always wanted one. Still want one. I've always wanted someone who's gone through the exact same things that I have gone, can give me advice, can make me feel pretty, can encourage me, who can spend time with me.

And it hurts to turn that expectation and see it from her eyes. The Boo that looks up to me. The one with golden hair and blue eyes. The one that is obsessed with the cat. The one who longs to be a princess and look pretty all the time. The one whom I don't spend enough time with on her own level.

And so I took off my coat... and delved into Little Girl Land one more time.

 The Hair

My Boo...

 

She has some of the most beautiful hair I have ever seen...

She was so patient...

 

The Details

 

And then they did something totally unexpected (in the moment)... they wanted to do my hair.

I'm being taught daily, these days, about how much different thing really mean. Serving... It's a tough thing. It doesn't only require doing when you're feeling adequately rested and prepared. No... It calls when you are broken and tired, drained and grumpy, in the most un-servant like attitude. Serving is only serving if it hurts, if it digs, if it takes up time, if you give. But as I serve... something happens. The joy in their faces transfers to mine, and I get caught up in the frilly whirlwind of yesteryears as they pick a dress for me to put on and call me to their world.

Because it was mine not so long ago. And as I look back on those years, it's amazing how fast they flew past. And soon she will be grown, too, my little Boo. The one who looks so much like me, and yet is so very different in personality. These years... they are to be cherished, not rushed. Dragged down and held, sprinkled with memory glitter and treasured. I'm learning to serve... and dance with Cinderella.

Day by Day

I found myself in a desert, flailing around to find any source of water or any sign of an oasis. But the horizons were bare and my tongue was parched, and He was not near.

I turned to my Bible, knowing, as always that it is not Him that is not near, it is me. So often, I have to remind myself that "I am as close to God as I choose to be" as the sign on the back of my door persistently proclaims. It's not in the least surprising that when I turned to my place in the Word, He was there.

He was there with food and sustenance and life.

Psalm 37 filled me with hope because I have always been a check-listy girl and this psalm fulfilled that need in a very real way:

¹ Don’t worry about the wicked
      or envy those who do wrong.
 ² For like grass, they soon fade away.
      Like spring flowers, they soon wither.  
³ Trust in the Lord and do good.
      Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
 ⁴ Take delight in the Lord,
      and he will give you your heart’s desires.
 ⁵ Commit everything you do to the Lord.
      Trust him, and he will help you.
 ⁶ He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
      and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
 ⁷ Be still in the presence of the Lord,
      and wait patiently for him to act.
   Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
      or fret about their wicked schemes.
 ⁸ Stop being angry!
      Turn from your rage!
   Do not lose your temper—
      it only leads to harm.
 ⁹ For the wicked will be destroyed,
      but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land.
 ¹⁰ Soon the wicked will disappear.
      Though you look for them, they will be gone.
 ¹¹ The lowly will possess the land
      and will live in peace and prosperity.
 ¹² The wicked plot against the godly;
      they snarl at them in defiance.
 ¹³ But the Lord just laughs,
      for he sees their day of judgment coming.
 ¹⁴ The wicked draw their swords
      and string their bows
   to kill the poor and the oppressed,
      to slaughter those who do right.
 ¹⁵ But their swords will stab their own hearts,
      and their bows will be broken.
 ¹⁶ It is better to be godly and have little
      than to be evil and rich.
 ¹⁷ For the strength of the wicked will be shattered,
      but the Lord takes care of the godly.
 ¹⁸ Day by day the Lord takes care of the innocent,
      and they will receive an inheritance that lasts forever.
 ¹⁹ They will not be disgraced in hard times;
      even in famine they will have more than enough.
 ²⁰ But the wicked will die.
      The Lord’s enemies are like flowers in a field—
      they will disappear like smoke.
 ²¹ The wicked borrow and never repay,
      but the godly are generous givers.
 ²² Those the Lord blesses will possess the land,
      but those he curses will die.
 ²³ The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
      He delights in every detail of their lives.
 ²⁴ Though they stumble, they will never fall,
      for the Lord holds them by the hand.
 ²⁵ Once I was young, and now I am old.
      Yet I have never seen the godly abandoned
      or their children begging for bread.
 ²⁶ The godly always give generous loans to others,
      and their children are a blessing.
 ²⁷ Turn from evil and do good,
      and you will live in the land forever.
 ²⁸ For the Lord loves justice,
      and he will never abandon the godly.
   He will keep them safe forever,
      but the children of the wicked will die.
 ²⁹ The godly will possess the land
      and will live there forever.
 ³⁰ The godly offer good counsel;      they teach right from wrong.
 ³¹ They have made God’s law their own,
      so they will never slip from his path.
 ³² The wicked wait in ambush for the godly,
      looking for an excuse to kill them.
 ³³ But the Lord will not let the wicked succeed
      or let the godly be condemned when they are put on trial.
 ³⁴ Put your hope in the Lord.
      Travel steadily along his path.
   He will honor you by giving you the land.
      You will see the wicked destroyed.
 ³⁵ I have seen wicked and ruthless people
      flourishing like a tree in its native soil.
 ³⁶ But when I looked again, they were gone!
      Though I searched for them, I could not find them!
 ³⁷ Look at those who are honest and good,
      for a wonderful future awaits those who love peace.
 ³⁸ But the rebellious will be destroyed;
      they have no future.
 ³⁹ The Lord rescues the godly;
      he is their fortress in times of trouble.
 ⁴⁰ The Lord helps them,
      rescuing them from the wicked.
   He saves them,
      and they find shelter in him.
*Psalm 37 (NLT) {underlining and bold facing mine}

There's so much in there that gave a spring to my step. And yes, it does look like I only underlined the "good" promises that He is giving in the psalm and I do realize that there are consequences as well as gifts, but what I needed that day was hope. And He gave fully.

Some thoughts:

He's so good at surprising me... did you see that be still in there? Here I was, frantically searching for water when all I had to do was be still and accept what He was waiting to give me. So often, I am so blind.

I find it so wonderful that the Lord laughs. The Lord... the God of creation... Majesty... Glory... Yaweh... Father... Son... Holy Spirit... they laugh! And yes, this is alluding to knowing the evil's future and laughing at how cocky they seem now, but just think about it. Our God is a jovial God... he loves to laugh!

He only gives me strength day by day. More than that, and I would be cocky. I already am... He knew that and so He only provides for today. I whine, I snivel, I complain... but it's for my good. It's so encouraging to think that every day He is waiting to give me the sustenance I need for just one more day.

I often wonder about the seeming incongruity between God the Father and God the Son. How one is Creator and Sustainer, and the other is a close Friend. And yet, He delights in every detail of my life. He enjoys it when I have cute shoes on. When I feel happy about autumn leaves. When I sing my heart out. When I am alive in the purpose that He has given me, in the place that He placed me, among those He has given me.

I am such a little child. I am still learning to walk. I want to be on my own, independent, without any help. But if you see a small baby toddling down the hall, who's right behind them? The parent, obviously. And here's where the analogy breaks down, because I don't think that He ever does stop holding our hands. We never grow out of needing help.

Let me encourage you to "be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for Him to act." Who knows what could happen?

One Month

It's month since I've met you, beautiful girl. You have a smile that could light up a ballroom and eyes that twinkle with mischief. You have an unbreakable spirit, but you get easily down. You love to have fun and joke around.

I'm so glad that I took that *leap* not so long ago. It's been a wonderful adventure and as the leaves turn crisp and shrivel up, I look forward to it continuing. You're not always easy to be around, you must realize. You throw fits, mess up my schedule and don't always make the best first impression. But I'm on your side.

Sometimes, when you have a one-track mind, I catch myself looking around and wondering Who's watching? Then I look back at you as you dip your head forward and look at the floor. I respond by turning my head upside down to meet your eyes, and you smile. And that smile is what it's all for.

Some may not understand you, but that's alright. I've been so privileged to know you beyond your actions. I'm so glad that I look forward to being with you, that it doesn't seem like a job at all.

I love that you love my family. From the very first, you hugged my mother and that meant a lot to me. It also means a lot, Mom, that you let her in that very first day with no if, ands or buts.

You are capable of so much more and I want to see you grow. I want to push you to where you feel uncomfortable. Never hide behind the title "disabilities," because it's not who you are. You're smile is not disabled and your laughter is most definitely not.

Some may see you as you walk down the street, thinking Wow, what's wrong with her? She's drooling and doesn't walk straight. She'll never be worth anything. Nothing could be less true.

When I see you walking down the street, do you know what I see? I see a heart that is so full of life and laughter. You give so much to your mother and father, I know that you are the apple of their eyes. You give so much to me in allowing me to find my gifts and work along with you to bring you to fuller independence.

You know what? I think God's using you in a mighty and powerful way in my life. Yup! You teach me about patience, *promises* and unconditional love. He is using you mightily as a "grace grower" in my life.

Who am I that I should be ashamed of God's creation? Sure, you don't always act the way I want you to, and I find myself explaining you and your actions more than I want to, but you are so worth it!

I would cover you in stamps and "kisses" if I could!

Your Rose

Down

I've been feeling down a lot recently... not really depressed, but not really smiling or laughing a lot. Maybe because it hurts to move my mouth... just maybe.

I haven't really participated in a lot of activities, I find myself automatically disengaging and finding corners to sit in and people watch. Generally, it kind of looks like when I'm sad. I'm not...I'm just not happy.

But then I had to slap myself in the face. I was the only one who was making myself miserable. Me! No one else was... here I was having my own private pity-party, feeling selfish and wishing myself back to bracelessness.

I was lounging around all of today, not really doing anything in particular, feeling slow and painful. At the end of the day, I looked back and realized that I had accomplished nothing. Absolutely nothing! I could choose to be happy and purposeful and actually get things done... or else look back on today and wonder what I could've accomplished if I had broken out of my pain stupor.

I'm not up to my normal par. I'm just thankful that I finished my English assignments before the pain set in. Ok... it's really not that bad. But I feel as if a new dimension has been added to me and I don't know what to do with it.

The following days will be filled with ups and downs... but I can determine how I face them.

Bliss

These past few days have been filled with friends. Other things, too, but friends above all things. It's in this year that I've purposed to spend time with friends and developing relationships more than homework, even though this year is the only one when homework has taken a serious hold of my life.

We met together, us, the three musketeers, dressed up all pretty and eating pizza and doing Chem homework. We sat around that kitchen table, scratching our heads, all the while celebrating the beautiful passing on of another year for one of us. We drove into C-city and went through Bio notes on the way. I think that one of the marks of true friendship is being able to laugh while doing the most boring things in the world, just enjoying being with each other. Stopping and walking above a street in a tunnel of rainbow, heels that hurt, tickets gotten, escalators (escalators!!) {what do you do with escalators? walk? ride?} done with, and sitting in seats, excitement tinging our voices. Pointing out this violin, and that flute. The massive choir that walked in. And then, the joyful sounds of Beethoven's Ode to Joy.

We laughed, we smiled, we absorbed, we mocked, we stifled giggles at the opportune (or should I say inopportune?) sneeze that made the whole performance memorable. Stopping at Timmy's on the way back and being the only customers in the entire store. Being dropped off and falling into bed, content to sleep and sleep. Waking up to a clock that reads an hour later than what I wish it did, scrambling to get to school, still doing well on a Bio quiz. Talking to people, making amigo 1 jump every time I mentioned the choir list being posted, trying not to fall asleep.

And then the moments of uncertainty... of a dear friend that stepped up and helped out in one of the moments when I feel the weakest. I don't like not knowing... at all. I start freaking out and feeling awkward and uncertain. Yay for people with cell phones! Driving in a pick up truck, wind going through my hair, the smell of harvest, blasting country songs accompanied by laughter. Picking camomile by the hour, spending time in a heart to heart with another dear friend. Sharing garbage bags, completing swaths, joking around with the hockey guys, laughing, finding ladybugs. Grass stained hands and shoes, water that tasted wonderful, and driving home.

The suggestion for Subway, the friends we met when we went there. The joy and the laughter, my disheveled appearance and the chocolate milk that followed. The sweet knowing that nothing can stop this moment. That is why I'm alive. That He placed me here for this moment. These moments.

It's been my very own Ode to Joy, really. It's been crazy. I'm half asleep, my clothes are all dusty with walking through fields, my homework is in my backpack, there are things to be done, sleep to be pursued, tomorrow to look forward to. But it's bliss.... pure, clear, ethereal bliss! And it's in these moments that life comes alive. Life is not made in the quiet mundane days that occupy the span of my years, but the bright, the crazy, the happiness that friends bring.

Through this all I can't help imagining how great heaven will be. Honestly, there were times today that I thought, This is as good as it gets! But then I had to stop myself, because it gets way better. He has so much in store for me, and I'm so excited!

Gifts

-Warm, soft, baby girl arms wrapped around my neck in the dark. The moments before she realized that I am not her mother, and then the fact that she just looks at me unblinkingly and puts her head back on my chest.

-The "Bee-bo" song, how long it took me to find the CD, and little boy dancing once it was in.

-Playing with bumpy foam letters, reminders of a childhood in Africa.

-A wooden snake found at home in my bag, wanting to return to its Noah's Ark and their home.

-Joining together, in one Spirit, to listen, to learn, to sing, to praise, to laugh, to share, to shake hands, to love.

-Time spent with a Down Syndrome boy. The joy that he finds in everything and the way that he mirrors his Maker.

-Playing chess with my siblings. Learning that they have something to teach me, and that it's okay to lose.

-Picking up my flute, playing along with my Mom on piano. Wondering what others thought when they heard down the street.

-Driving with my father, learning from his wisdom, and laughing together.

-The One who it's all about.

Laughter

We roll on the ground, my friend and I. Doing ridiculous things on her computer, posing for pictures, for which she ducks away. And it's while I fall asleep and listen to her talk, that I thank Him for giving me friends with whom I feel safe.

They're the ones with whom I can share anything and not feel ashamed. To be told their own worries and to see that we're all human. That nothing changes, except that we can choose to judge or to forgive and look beyond. He has blessed me in an overabundance with friends who are willing to draw me close, to forgive my lack of spontaneous calling and excursion planning. To allow me to be me, in all my originality. I only hope that I, in turn, can do the same for them.

To reach out to those whom some may say are unreachable. To push myself beyond the boundaries of my comfort zone to offer the comfort that I've been given. To see their lives changed by simply sharing what I've been given.

One of the greatest gifts that I've been given is laughter. Everyone has it... although, some need it to be unearthed. Sometimes it hides the pain, and sometimes it comes through tears, but laughter is what binds friends.

Memories

I sorted through that box today.. well, make that boxes. Those fragile, cardboard containers that held the remnants of my memories. For what is a picture, a scrap of paper? Nothing! Unless it leads you to the story behind it. That's where the memories lie. I sorted through them, taking out the unnecessary bits, that section that will grow larger as I grow older and don't really need to remember everything. It was strange to see my whole life laid out before me. Journals, pictures, baby books, school report cards, etc. So much of who I am... and yet not really. What I am is what these memories have caused me to become.. how they've shaped me... not exactly the memory themselves

Which led me to think: what memories am I making today? Am I setting aside time from my "normal" life to either document it or make it exciting? I went to see a play today.. laughed.. and made a memory. Smiled as the real (yay!) rose petals came down. Sniffed them and brought home seven of them to keep. So that I can keep on smiling as I smell them. I hope that some of the memories that others have of me are pleasant and sweet smelling. That I may be spreading His sweet fragrance wherever I go. That when I look back, my life would smile back at me and I would be left with no regrets, just with memories.

Counting

1) The endearing little boy that I get to work with. Him, with the big brown eyes, and little, cool hands that slip into mine. Who asks me to carry his Batman lunch kit, and tell him how to spell everything hockey. Who knows that there is more than one kind of race car. I always seem to fall for the little guys...

2) The aggravating, confusing boy that I get to work with. Him... my personal grace grower for the week. Who hides inside his anger and likes to be outside all alone. I struggled to understand, and finally just lowered myself to the ground and suggested we build a city out of the dirt he was playing in. Soon, that city evolved into an ocean, and he was narrating to me his own version of Jaws. That he would ask to hold my hand on the way to the park, that he would ask for me to come out and watch him, that he would be touched... is the greatest blessing of all.

3) Campfires and bannock with friends. To be taught and to learn. To listen and to laugh. To accept and to comfort. To realize that even though I may go far, that these will hold me close and love me truly for me.

4) Adventures with friends. A picnic on the third hill. For bike rides and sore muscles. For hamburgers and chips. For fields dotted with hay bales gleaming in the evening sun. For laughter and a checked table cloth to sit on.

5) Family. For a father away, for a mother at home. For siblings who laugh and play. Watching movies, playing Wii, chasing the cat, and doing chores.

6) The garden. For rows of lettuce, fresh peas in the pod, beans ready to be picked, and much more to come.

7) Life. The freedom that He gives. That He enjoys giving me good and perfect gifts. That creation is in His hands, and that He had the creativity to make it all.

8) Him. The bestest blessing of all. The One whom I struggle to know and yet see all around me.

9) You. For taking the time out of your day to read this. That you care about me and the random happenings in my life. Thank you!

10) Counting my blessings. Truly, I can see what He has done. And this is only from one week!