Day 8: Formando Vidas

Journal Entry:
(YWAM compound)
In the afternoon, we went to the YWAM compound. E B was there and we spent time playing with the kids, hearing some of their stories and knowing that any trouble that I go through is so much less than theirs, and eating hamburgers for supper. When S got home, we all gathered around and he told us about their street kids' rehabilitation program. What shone through was his willingness to do everything and anything You told him to do (and he continues to do so today).

The thing that really challenged me was how the whole purpose of his life changed after he was willing to give everything up. I've tried to do that again and again, but I always hang on so tightly to some small part. Honestly, I'm scared to think of what You could and would do in my life if I let You have full control. My ideas and knowledge are so limited to my personal knowledge sphere.

Help me to lay down everything, knowing that You want everything for my good and that You will multiply my wildest dreams into something I can't even imagine. Help me to daily lay down myself and to let go, knowing that You are unchanging and good.

(YWAM school)

Well, You definitely showed me a lot of things today. We taught at the YWAM school which was cool because it catered to street kids and so had a different teaching style. The class sizes were from 3-6, and it was fun working more one-on-one than ever before.

These kids have amazing potential and I'm so glad that You're working in that way to bring kids to You to break the generational cycle.

(The Jungle)

It is an amazing place! Although the different stations are set up from whatever they have, it looks like something any little kid would enjoy. I volunteered to stay at the foosball tables along with whoever else wasn't busy at another station. These kids had never been there before and the joy in their eyes as they went through all the different stations and played to their heart's content, was gladdening to see. It's sad to think that these kids haven't been able to come before because their area is controlled by a guy who says what they can or cannot do.

After a while of playing, everyone sat down and we helped to serve their snack. Then, with the help of some laminated pictures, some of the kids told the story of blood, sacrifice, and sin that started at Genesis and led up to the death of Jesus. Although there's so much that has gone on in their lives, it amazed me to see how much truth can be put into one child's life. Even though it's hard, there is a pastor working among these children, planting seeds that could very well cause a large harvest to be reaped later on. I need to determine to do that in my own life - to do what may seem little, praying that it may grow large in Your hands.

While the kids played for a few more minutes, we hopped into S B's van and toured the region nearby to give us an idea of where the usual kids who come to play come from. Just a few streets up, there was a region that was testament to how much Your love is needed in this city.

I don't know that it must have felt like to be a guy at that moment, because to be a girl was hard enough. To think of these girls, who are being shown daily that "love" can be bought and that they are only useful as toys, makes me cringe. They have no idea of Your love for them, no idea of the beautiful soul that You created within them to be realized, no idea of a Hope beyond what they see every day. What did I do that I am privileged enough to have been born into a Christian family, to live in Canada, to go to the school that I do, and every other thing that I have been blessed with. Why them in this predicament and not me? I am once again glad that You promise them a future and a hope. 

Prayer is essential for wisdom and strength in all these facets of ministry. The cycle of destruction that they are endeavoring to break is powerful. Pray that if delivered that they would not be sucked in later in life but that they would continue in their bright futures. Pray for some of the children to come back and teach (some of them have already done this). Pray for permission from parents to put their kids into these homes that teach them what true family looks like. Pray also for the prostitution zones, for ministries to be started there and for the Christians already there to have opening doors towards their friendships. Pray for the workers as they create relationships of trust with kids through the Jungle. Above all, pray that God`s glory may shine in this ministry and that hearts would be won for the gospel.

More info: http://colombiastreetkids.org/

Day 6: Foundation Nina Maria

Journal Entry:

Father, today You broke my heart. I was hoping that it would come, and that Your compassion would break though, that I would be able to feel deeply - to cry. Throughout this trip, I have longed to have more emotions, that I would get attached and not want to leave a place. So far, I've just gone throughout each day terribly touched but not to the point of breaking.

I knew that today that we were heading to the handicapped foundation and I was dreading it. Since I've grown up surrounded with people like my cousin who has cerebral palsy, my sister when she was sick with Lyme and then working with a mentally and physically disabled girl, I find my heart a captive of their innocence and purity.

It was hard to jump  into playing with them, to get past the physical differences (I was ashamed that it took me so long), but it eventually got to the point where I saw their souls. That point wherein my only goal is to make them smile, to find their personality and to cater to it.

My heart became so happy when I saw a boy named P who was signing. It seems as if signing is my territory and even though he had a totally different vocabulary and way of signing, I was gladdened to see the way that he communicated and how others helped him out.

Although these children have a supporting staff and a pretty amazing facility, they have no way to advance, to show what jewels they are when shined up. These kids have been either rejected by their families, or society, or by both. It makes me so sad that there isn't anyone here to work one-on-one with them and that they really have no future. We were able to give them only one afternoon of laughter and as I left, it was painful to realize that tomorrow would be very different most likely.

But through it all, You spoke. I am so glad that You are the Father of the fatherless, Comforter to the broken, life to the dead - that You care even when others don't. And as many of them surrounded me, I saw once again how their hearts must be among the most precious in Your sight.

Through it all, my heart stayed intact, even when I saw others crying and felt a deep tug on my heart for their plight. During our team meeting, however, I saw others cry, shed a few tears before my turn and spoke tremulously during my turn. After, however, while S was talking, the full impact of what they face and how blessed I am, and how great it is that places like the one here in Canada exist, hit me.

You broke through and I heaved, shuddering, feeling so good once the tears fell. I want my heart to be wise in the ways of unnecessary pain, and yet be open to compassion and breaking. I don't want to let a callus reform over this open rawness, but only You can do that.

As I headed over here, I prayed for You to break my heart for what breaks Yours - and now You're starting to do that. Yes, I may not be "emotional", but I still want to feel deeply about what troubles Your heart. I wonder where You and this passion will lead me. Please keep on breaking! I love You and the things that break Your heart.

No cameras were allowed inside because of security concerns, so I have no pictures to show you. But I think that you can gain from my journal entry the apparent hopelessness that some of these kids are under. Pray that the true Hope would be revealed and that this Foundation would become a place of unbelievable hope. Pray for the staff who have to go through some amazing stuff, that they would always be full of compassion and that their hearts would never get hardened. Pray for the futures of these kids, that they may be ones of hope and not despair. Pray that the Father of all would become apparent to them. 

Day 5: Foundation Marrionetta

Journal Entry:

Next, we went to another foundation where we played and coloured pictures with kids. They had a lot of fun with the sidewalk chalk that we brought. This place also helps them with homework, and gives them free food. After a while, all of the kids were sent outside to the courtyard, where they continued to colour and jump rope, while S and D taught a seminar, using M as a translator.

Next, we headed to Cafe + Crepes for some dessert (after eating spaghetti and meat sauce at the Foundation) and on the way B told us about some of the other things that the Foundation does. Their goal is to evangelize Colombia - period. And it was really cool to listen to all her stories of churches banding together to host huge conferences and speakers like Steve Green and Nick Vujicic. 

Although we were only there for one evening, these kids were so great and we had so much fun with them. That night also taught me a valuable lesson about about *brokenness* and how His plan works far more than we can figure out at the time {also follow the link to see pictures for today}. 

When B was telling us all about the things that the Foundation does, the passion that rose up in her voice was incredible. Her urge to see all of Colombia brought on it's knees before it's Saviour was overwhelming and the extent of all that they had accomplished was immense. Through this Foundation, many churches have started working together when otherwise, they would stay far away from each other. 

So pray. Pray for continued unity, more wide-reaching visions, as well as the people necessary to pull them off, pray for wisdom for the leaders, pray for the little things that they do {such as the house for homework/seminars, etc.}. Pray for the people of Colombia to see their God as He truly is... their Saviour.

Day 4: Good Seed

Well, this blog post is actually the one I was looking forward to the most just because of the incredible story behind it all. I only got there when most of the story was finished, but it's amazing to see how God had been working the story before we got there and even after. We were only a small puzzle piece.

Day 4: Good Seed

After eating lunch, we headed out to a Barrio where we were led by a guy named E. He runs a project where children at risk go for help with homework, playing and being taught the Gospel. We had to stay close to him because the area was notorious for gangs, thieves, etc. Since he's spent so much time there and because they respect what he is doing, the area gang protects him from other gangs.

It was so cool to see the languages of playing and laughter being expressed and to see life in the eyes of children who experience things that I don't even want to think about. First, we waited in the courtyard while they ate a snack and then we all trekked up the hill to the playground space that they use. Once there, we sang the Banana song and played Flying Dutchmen. After playing a few games, we left, spurred on by a group of boys who had been threatening Sheila and trying to steal her stuff (and also whistling back to older people in the shacks behind us).

They have an amazing ministry here in a really tough place to serve - and the people there respect him and the work that he does. He has proven himself to be a true servant of Yours. They're trying to buy another lot of land so that they can expand their ministry, and once again, I'm so glad that I can continue to help through prayers.

Now the really amazing part. Read these blog posts in this order in order to see a crazy amazing God plan unfolding before your very eyes. The way that this blogger writes is incredible.

1. http://viviafanador.blogspot.ca/2011/06/spiritual-diagnosis.html
2. http://viviafanador.blogspot.ca/2011/06/half-human-half-monster.html

3. http://viviafanador.blogspot.ca/2011/07/wow-wow-wow.html

4. http://viviafanador.blogspot.ca/2011/07/criminal.html   

5. http://viviafanador.blogspot.ca/2011/07/get-involved-with-egipto.html

I'm sure that those blog posts brought up plenty of things to pray for, including the continuing work of Elias and all that he does there. But prayer is NOT the least we can do, as I've been learning since the time I wrote that journal entry. So, as you pray, please pray to see if God has laid it upon your heart to be one of the 300 people that would help make Good Seed's expansion possible. 

Day 3: Fertile Soil

Journal Entry:

After teaching, we drove to a place where we expected to have to play with around 100 kids who were revved up and ready to play hard. Instead, we arrived and did a small presentation for a group of about 20 kids aged 3-6. Then, we spent the rest of the time playing with the kids. We started off with Pato, Pato, Gonzo (Duck, Duck, Goose). In my circle, there was a little girl who looked half asleep and when her mother walked her around the circle for the second time, she started whimpering.

Knowing that I was wiped and didn't really want to be active, and because she was cuter than a button (where does that saying come from, anyway?), I picked her up and sat on the sidelines. It took a while, but after some soothing and a heart-shaped sucker, she calmed down.

It's an amazing feeling to have a small body nestled on your lap and I love the feelings of motherhood and protectiveness that come over me whenever I do. Whenever I would readjust her, she would lean right back in - effectively making my heart melt.

She loved it when I would bounce my finger on the end of her lollipop and then ruffle her hair or squeeze her nose or tickle her. I prayed over her, my little K, and begged You to watch over her. Most likely, she'll grow up in the same situation her mother's in and that makes me wish that I could help her escape from this endless, vicious cycle.

When I told her that I had to leave, she shook her head and flung her hands around my neck. It felt so good to be needed, wanted, and loved back. She kept on clinging and I had to set her down and convince her to let go. It was hard - but thank You for such a wonderful opportunity.

Only one picture today, but suffice it to say that the kids there were extremely adorable (and we were delighted to find a girl with Down Syndrome there, too!)

As for prayer, this organization is run by an amazing woman who is trying to reach out to the parents of these kids, and so was expecting us to present the Gospel to them because she had asked them to come early. We were not quite prepared for that and were really there more for the kids, but pray for a continued passion for the parents of these kids. Also, for finances for them to send their kids here because they are being taught valuable life lessons about God while being cared for physically and mentally, whereas at home they would simply be another person running around. Many of these children have no hope except to go back into the cycle, and someday send their kids to someplace like this. Pray for a break in this vicious cycle, and that His saving power would make a difference in these kids' lives as they grow up.

Day 2: Teen Girl's Ministry

Journal Entry:
Next, we headed to a home for teenage moms and their babies. This place hit me hard because I am strongly drawn to children and desire passionately to have some of my own someday, as You well know. The youngest girl there was twelve years old and we met another young girl who was sixteen and had a newborn baby.
To think about having a baby at my age was heart-wrenching, but it also feels great to know that things will get better through this ministry. They place more experienced girl with newer ones and provide physical and psychological help for these girls who are from the streets.
This ministry is run by an amazing woman named I. who became a widow nine years ago and has a burning passion for these girls and You. I find it so amazing how she cares so much for each individual girl and how she calls each one of them "Precious", "Princess", etc.
Anything concerning young children and girls who need help really connects with me and I feel a strong desire to help out. I was so encouraged by how You've provided her with workers and government support all the way along. She's just started up a new ministry next door for girls who are drug seller and addicts, murderers, thieves, etc. and there have been multiple problems along the way. What's amazing to me is her steadfastness because of her belief in what You've called her to do.
We girls taught the moms how to make butterflies while the boys held babies. It was so sad to see how much fear these girls have towards men in general, but it was cool to see all of the guys loosen up and get sort-of comfortable. I snuck away from doing crafts near the end and went to hold some of the babies. It makes me sad to wonder where they will end up in the future. I held one baby named D and prayed over his future, knowing that You love him so much more than I do, or could. It's so comforting to know that You know what each one of these girls is going through. You work powerfully through prayer and I'm so glad, because it's the one way in which I can continue to help even when I'm not physically present.


This was probably the most touching ministries of all that we faced in Colombia during those 10 days. Every person was touched in different ways.

We pulled up to the side of the street and filed out, grabbing craft supplies from the back of the bus and then heading in. Right in front of us, there was a set of stairs going up, and then a hallway leading back. A lady, small, but with a spitfire spirit, met us. Almost as soon as she started talking, I could see the passion in her eyes. And it overwhelmed me. Overwhelmed and yet beckoned in an incredible way.

Looking up the stairs, we saw some little kids playing on the stairs and before doing anything else, the lady gave us a tour of the ministry. Heading up the stairs, we were met with a group of young moms who held their kids in their arms. These small wonders ranged from newborns to almost 2 years old. Some of them followed us as we made our way throughout the building.

There were multiple floors, on each a number of bedrooms. In each of the bedrooms, we were told, a mom who had been there a longer time was paired with a new one coming in. There were also showers and bathrooms on the floors and I was struck with how bright and open everything seemed, instead of being grubby or closed in.

In one of the rooms, she introduced us to the newest born of the babies, who had come home only a few days ago. The young girl came shyly into the room, and we were told that she was 16. She proudly presented her baby for all of us to see, and then disappeared like a shadow. That really hit me hard. I was 16 at the time. Me... with a baby? Relating to my age made everything more real in terms of what she was going through.

We also brought bags full of baby clothing, bottles, and other supplies that were donated/bought in Canada.

A few days later, one of the slots that was supposed to be filled with another ministry was opened up, so we arranged things so that the girls could go back to the teen girls' ministry.


{Second Day}
Then, our team split up, with the boys returning to the foundation from yesterday and the girls returning to the foundation for teen moms and their babies. When we showed up, we found out that they weren't expecting us (this had been a change in our original schedule). We didn't have as many craft supplies as there were women and so it seemed like we weren't really giving them anything - more like a handout instead of showing love. After a while, I started playing with a little boy named J, who was coming into the craft room and disturbing everyone. I took him out into the hallway and found out that he was two years old. It made me sad to think that he probably doesn't get much one-on-one time playing things like peek-a-boo and counting to ten and getting tickled. But I also know that You have a plan for his life and that's incredibly encouraging.
Then, after finishing up the crafts, all the girls were gathered and we had a prayer and sharing time. Two of the girls in our group spoke to the girls, telling them about how much we admire their strength and how the same God who made us made them, and that they are beautiful and perfect in His eyes. It was inspiring to see the lights come on inside of their eyes, and it struck me that these girls don't often encounter hope. So we shared with them how You hold hope for a better future and we listened to their prayer requests and prayed for them. Even though they didn't know that we were coming and although so many little kinks had to be worked out, You showed me once again how You take what we perceive to be the wrong timing or bad circumstances and turn it into something beautiful.
These girls love their babies so much and it breaks my heart to think that these kids could end up in the same place without further support.

As we spoke these words of encouragement, of admiring them for their strength, as we broke down crying because of all that we'd seen there, their faces lit up. Our brokenness, our very vulnerability made them able to receive those words because they were from the very deepest parts of us. To be able to see that we're all just girls, in different places, but made exactly the same. We have different circumstances, but why wasn't I put in that situation? Why was I blessed to grow up where I did and have the family that I do? I don't know, but He does. And we spoke about being sisters. Sisters with an amazing Father.

That prayer meeting turned into something pivotal. For us as a team, and for them as girls. It broke our hearts, and it made them see that we meant what we said. Many of these girls are longing to be returned to their families, and may not ever be able to because of the circumstances. The reality of what they have to face everyday in life is crazy. I can't comprehend it.

But I can comprehend a God who knows all about it, who has a plan for them, and who is working in their lives even right now.

As for prayer, I think that prayer for I. would be great. She is in charge of running this household of girls, and the new ministry that she's starting in the building next door has been going through some hard times. Besides that, the government funding upon which her work is based is capricious, depending on circumstances. Pray for a provision of finances, as well as workers. Pray for strength and the ability to see clearly. Pray for these girls, that they may be touched with the reality of what true love looks like, and that it's held in the heart of a true Father. One who will never forsake or betray, but One who knows everything they have ever done/been put through and still loves them as if they were great treasures. Pray hard for these girls.

Day 1: The Recyclers

Journal Excerpt:
Then, we headed out to the Recyclers. Pictures and the real thing really don't compare. Today was the first time that I took lots of pictures, because before I just wanted the experiences to matter, but today we went to a wide variety of places.

It was encouraging to see how kids are the same around the world and how much fun they had with simple things like jumping ropes. These people have so little and it was sad to know that although we had lots of fun playing with them today, most of their days are filled with starvation, pain, uncertainty, tears, and anything but You. It was also amazing, though, to see the dedication of the teacher from ECA who has been doing this for a long time. Throughout all of today, Your amazing power shone through so strongly in all of these ministries.

There are so many more pictures that I could put in here, but these should kind of sum up what it looked like...

We went there armed with skipping ropes, paddles with balls, and a hope that we could make these kids' days. As soon as we arrived, we were told to leave everything valuable inside the van, and then we were shown to the only open space in this jumbled city made up of cardboard, sheet metal and whatever scraps they could find. Most of the parents weren't there, as they had been out since dawn with their carts, which, if they were lucky enough, were pulled by a horse with its ribs poking out, and if not, then they pulled it themselves. The kids, however, seemed to come out of every opening in the houses around, summoned by news of a free meal. We served them ham and cheese sandwiches and yogurt, probably the only meal that they had had in awhile. They were always up for playing, however, anything from telling us which one of us skipped ropes with them or requesting one more horsey ride, with skipping ropes for reigns.

The guy who worked with these people was a teacher from an English Christian school that we were based out of during our time in Colombia. He would come and get to know these people every week. He was dedicated to these people who had nothing. A servant to the lowest strata of this Colombian society.

At the time we were living the government had issued a prerogative that the whole recyclers shanty-town had to move, and they didn't know where they were going to go.

We told the story of David, acting it out, while one of the people travelling with us translated. As they cheered as Goliath went down, it filled me with hope. Hope that these people who seem to have no hop would someday come to know the true Hope, and to recognize that this Hope pursues them, and He will not give up.

I think one of the biggest things that could be prayed about would be housing for these people. I don't know what's happened since we left, but I'm sure that the road's been tough. Also, pray for this faithful ECA teacher who's been ministering to these lowest-of-the-low, for long term solutions instead of just treating the symptoms, and also for the acceptance of the message of a Healer and a Hope who wants them as His very own family.

In the Burden

The other day I ran across her *blog*, and read through it. While doing so, there was one *post* that hit me especially hard, as well as the information and details that can be found at *A21's site*.

Because this is the same thing that I was talking about in relation to Colombia. There are things such as this that I have seen that I have a responsibility to do something about.

I could choose do nothing. I could shut down that tab on my browser and never pursue knowing anything more.

Because it seems so ginormous. It seem so very terribly wrong. It seems so horribly difficult to do anything worthwhile in the face of 27 million enslaved human beings RIGHT NOW.

But this number is composed of individuals, of single stories, of personal circumstances. If there's something that you or I can do that makes a difference to one, it matters. It matters immensely.

And I want to challenge you: do something about it. There's a list of 21 different ways to help out on the website I mentioned above, there is a prayer guide you can download, you can blog about it, you can share the video...  you can do something.

Would you write a letter to one girl, telling her how beautiful she is?

Would you pray, knowing that the One who created these precious children of His will move?

Do it.

By Prayer

Another thing that we talked about the other day during the Elementary School Chapel was the fact that even the littlest of them could pray. Pray for the kids whose faces they saw and whose lives they were told about. 

While in Colombia, the only solace that I had while leaving some of these children to face another day was the fact that prayer is powerful. It's so much powerful than even I remember at times. 

But it's not just a means to an end, although there are people I care about and so I pray for them. 

What if prayer became the end itself?

There's such peace in prayer. The knowledge that Someone so much more able to and powerful than I am, can and will do things for the good of those He loves. That the One who made the Earth is just as avidly involved in the lives of the human beings who inhabit it as He ever has been. 

Prayer is also a glorious celebration. Before Jesus came, prayers were relegated to the Tabernacle (or the Temple, later on), where sacrifices were made, sins atoned for, and priests to be the go-betweens.

We had no access. And then in one glorious act, He did what no one else could do and ripped the cloth dividing the Holies of Holies from the rest of the Temple. 

He made available what had been secret and selective. 

And all around the world, people pray to Him, in different languages and ways. 

This following song is not only one of the main songs from Sid Meier's Civilization IV computer game, but also the Lord's Prayer in Swahili. 

It's such a privilege to pray.

While Telling Them

The days slip past and I'm so good at blocking out being anywhere but here. My experience from leaving Cameroon has held me in good stead with my  Colombian memories as well (pushing it behind a wall in my head).

So it felt so good this morning to speak at the Elementary Chapel for their Missions Day today. We showed pictures, we talked about places, and it's amazing how fast facts and memories fade.

And to start off our presentation, we showed a slideshow about the lighter side of being in Colombia, the bonds that grow between a group of teens stuck in a foreign country, and all the fun we had together.

And as I watched the video (which can be found *here*, because YouTube won't load it), I teared up.

It's been so long since I've thought about the people and places over there, other than the lessons that I've learned and trying to implement them.

Once the video was done, we passed the mic from person to person and talked about the situations we had seen kids over there in, showing the kids that others miles away were just like them.

Then, at the end, we showed our "real" slideshow:

And it challenges me to my very core.

Because the changes that I experienced to my viewpoint and to my plans for the future need to stay the same.

I need to refuse to succumb to the pressures of time, tiredness, conveniency, and to instead stand strong, not in my own strength, but in His.

And that's something that I'm struggling with learning. I'm learning just how weak I am and how easily I procrastinate and then beat myself up later. But I'm also learning about how to lean on His strength... about the letting go.

One of the biggest things that I learned while over in Colombia was the reality of mission in my everyday life. Even I, having grown up in the middle of a jungle to Bible-translating parents, put missions work into a box.

But as I daily saw people over in Colombia giving their all, loving those around them and fulfilling needs that the Colombians had, I saw the reality.

The reality is... missions is every single one of our callings. For some it's destined overseas, and even though that's what I've longed to do ever since childhood, the reality of that happening in the next few years is exciting and scary. For some, it's to stay over here in Canada and use their realm of influence to tell others about Him.

And for right now, that's my place. It was so easy to serve over there and to go to bed feeling as if you had accomplished something. Everything was typed out on schedule, the leaders were fairly confident of what was going on and you worked together as a team.

Here, it's hard. It's hard to break out of the habits that I have built over the last three-ish years of hiding within my own life and my little circle of friends. And it was only after coming back that my eyes were opened to the big impact that I can have in simply saying hello, smiling, asking about others' days, spending time with Junior High kids, being a good example, and palpably reaching out and starting up a new friendship.

It's so easy to slip back into a rut, and for a long time the spring play has effectively eclipsed any school life beyond getting the day over in order to prepare for performing that night. And then, this past week, I've been going through play withdrawal and instead spending hours that could be used better to surf the internet and procrastinate.

But watching those videos this morning reminded me, as we were reminding the kids, that our place is to do something about what we have seen.

For me, it's stepping out, changing my  habits, my view on missions in my very near future and letting go of doing things on my strength.... and instead, doing it on His.

In These Moments

I've been so busy recently, fulfilling one thing after another, stretching myself thin.

The fog of half-awake hangs before my eyes and I find myself longing...

Longing to stop, look around.... to feel.

Life loves to make me think that I have to be the best at everything I do, and it really isn't true.

But I still believe it.

And as things to get done, people to see, schedules to coordinate, etc. whirl around my head,

I want to push it all aside for a moment, to stop, and just.... be.

Coming back from Colombia, one thing that I had purposed to do, was to do willingly that which is hard and tough.

To make my life disciplined in the small ways so that when He's ready to hand me something bigger, I'll be ready.

There are so many hard things, from getting in a shower early in the morning and waking up at the same time every morning in order to make devotions a habit, to reminding myself of what's really important in every day.

But I fail. I fall. Inevitably, I crumble.

And it's during these moments, that He has me reading Genesis12-26.

These chapters that speak of a man  who was counted as righteous because of his faith, and yet...

Yet, when he visits Egypt, his fear of the Egyptian's lust (and his doubt of God's power), causes him to pass his wife off as his sister.

8 chapters later, guess what?

He does the same thing to Abimelech, the king of Gerar.

Not only that, but guess what Isaac does when faced with the same man, and also having a beautiful wife?

THE SAME THING.

You would have thought that they would have learned their lessons, but apparently not.

And as I think these things, they roost in my heart.

Because I am just as guilty of doing easy things over and over and over and over and over and over and over (Ok, I think you get the idea)... again.

I do realize that He does call us to relax and to take a break,  but this is different.

This is turning away from what I know is right and deliberately doing what is wrong, just because it's easier.

It encourages me, though, to remember that Abraham, a man of faith, failed in similar ways to me.

What encourages me even more, though, is the God who was allowing these things, giving second chances, letting him learn a lesson, bringing him back to repentance each time.

The God who gives me second chances.

And I want to use them wisely.

The stress is pushing in, and I need to re-evaluate my priorities and more burdens are added to my shoulders.

I want to enjoy these moments, so savor them, to learn all that He has for me, to enjoy Him.

{all written when I really should've been in bed)

In the Letting Go

School is looming, and I keep chipping away at it block by block.

But as I scramble to catch up, my grades are anything but desirable, and I struggle with old habits.

Habits of letting my grades define me, because that is one area in which I can be someone... where I am known.

And it's hard to let go of that and say to Him, "If you want that...  You can have it. All of it. I'll let it go."

But there's a balance between letting go and trying my best.

For so long, school has been about excelling, about impressing others, about feeling self worth in something that I'm actually good at.

Now He calls me to seek out the people, to encourage those who need it, to reach out and start up friendships, to make a change in my attitude towards people.

And that means letting grades take the backburner.

It's hard to find my self worth in Him... although I know that I am created beautiful and gifted in His sight, but sometimes that sits in my head, but is never absorbed into my heart.

Even before heading off to Colombia, I knew that this was a problem for me.

But while there, I saw and met so many people who had followed God's passion for their lives, having given up everything that they thought was important just to find that God's plan was so much better.

Once again... I know this to be true, but it's so hard to put into practice.

I want to grab hold of what He has in my future with all of my strength and to let Him guide my every step.

It's so hard to let go.... even knowing the truth of who He is.

When I Don't Understand

We crouched there, on the broken tile courtyard, creating pretty pictures with sidewalk chalk.

Surrounded by clumps of kids, we talked, giggled, and played tic-tac-toe.

And in my peripheral vision, something caught my eye. Kids were starting to colour inbetween the broken tiles instead of on them, and the first though that came to my mind was: Why are they wasting this beautiful chalk?

I wanted to say something, but I didn't, and as time passed... something happened.

What I had seen as messy, unncessary, childish wastefulness earlier, turned into something so beautiful, unique, and out-of-the-box that I was astonished.

 
And as I'm back here and trying to apply the lessons that I learned while in Colombia about my everday mission, what my gifts, passions, and talents are, and what God can do through someone who lets go of everything.... these pictures keep on coming back.

Right now, life is messy. It doesn't always make sense, there's much on my plate and yet I procrastinate.

He's teaching me, and I resist. I try and do it all on my own, and He shows me how that really is impossible.

I feel overwhelmed and like nothing makes sense, and yet life goes on and He gives me strength to persevere and to do my best right here.

But I know that in the end, I'll look back on what I viewed as the unncessary and see how vital it really was. I'll look back on the messy and see what beauty it created later on.

He's working on the masterpiece of me... and it's messy.

But He knows what He's doing. And someday I'll stand before His throne and understand the whys, whens, and hows.

In brokenness... there is beauty.

As He Answers

I stood there at the foosball table, eyes roaming over the building scattered about with children playing, laughing... being engaged in activities. And as I waited for the next person to come along who would claim my attention, I prayed.

Leading up to this day, we had been told to pray constantly for these kids who were coming for the first time to this ministry.

So I sat there, bathing each precious face in prayer and begging Him to act on His promise of a future and a hope, of good and not evil.

And as I stood there, I heard the words.

Words mingled with music, laughter, shouting, words of instruction.... words that meant so much.

"I called, You answered. And You came to my rescue and I wanna be where You are..."

Repeated over and over and over.

Speaking of the power of One who does listen to prayers, but, even more, answers them. And even though these kids have been placed in a situation that seems desperate.... He knows.

He cares.... He loves... He answers.

And as I'm gone, and am physically too far away to lift up each face and to see that smile, and to shiver with joy inside at the beauty that He's made... I'm never too far away to pray.

I sit here, remembering all that has gone on... thinking with incredulity that two weeks ago, I was there.

And as He answers prayer about this summer, about who He is, about people that are close to my heart... He also answers my prayer for these ministries, for those godly people, for those children still there.

I'm learning a little bit day by day, what "pray without ceasing" means.

What talking, conversing, sharing, laughing at quirks, rejoicing... every moment... means.

And I'm learning how much He loves to hear my voice.

He loves to hear yours, too.

I can just imagine the smile that comes to His face when we bring Him the beautiful, the ugly, the snarls, the sweet sorrows, the pain.... our lives.

And I can just imagine Him saying in a voice just above a whisper, "My precious one... I love to hear you speak. To hear you say that your heart rejoices in what I have made, to hear it break for others less fortunate than you. But know... I made them, too. So don't worry.... I've got it covered."

So, although I remember their faces, I also remember that they are even more ever-present in His mind.

And I can let go of any worries that I hold.

And pray... knowing that He will, He does, He is going to... answer.

In the Panic

It was just hours after I had arrived home, and I had already unpacked a few souvenirs and momentos and was explaining them, when I got around to my bracelets.

One, with the colours of Colombia, a parting gift from Golden Rule, a school that we taught at for two days, and the other, of green leather, with stamps that resemble hearts.

And as I pulled up my sleeves to display them, my heart leaped.

One was there... the other was not.

The absence of the green bracelet instantly started a search through my suitcase and then through my backpack. Running through my mind was: I took it off at the hotel... in Toronto. What if it's still there? Please, please, please, please, PLEASE let it be here somewhere!

And the panic set in and I searched through my bags again, before my gem of a sister asked me if it might be in my pant's pocket. And it was!

The relief that poured through me as I pulled it out, put it on, and had it tied by someone else felt so sweet.

I had been so afraid that this memory of the trip, the person it represented, the things that it reminded me of, would be gone. Forever.

And I know that many of you are waiting for blog posts about Colombia, and I promise... they are coming.

But my first thoughts as I landed on Canadian soil were: I don't want to forget this... any of it. The amazing lessons God's taught me, the people I met, the places I went, the changes that I need to make personally, etc.

It's only been three days... but it's fading. And I want so much for it to be right here and real to me. I'm panicking that some parts will be lost forever... just like I thought that bracelet would be.

I want so desperately to have every aspect of the trip reflected in my life, but I'm scared that I will fail. Big time.

But at the same time that I feel like dreading, I know that He has accomplished some amazing things in my perspective and views through this trip... and His Word speaks to me, telling me, again and again, that it's not about me at all.

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

Through Him, my life will show changes (as long as I help out!).

Through my weakness, He is strong.

And there is no need to panic anymore.

In the Deja Vu

As I'm packing up, stuffing things into nooks and crannies and checking my list twice, the sense of deja vu hits hard.

The very last time I was on an airplane was arriving in Calgary after flying home from Cameroon because of a medical emergency.

And it feels so wrong to be packing up and getting ready to board a flight headed somewhere other than Cameroon.

It took me awhile to get over my feelings of doubt.

Doubt that this trip will impact me in a huge way because of my past.

Doubt that I would be shocked by children scavenging in the gutters and people scraping a living off of the streets.

Doubts that I would learn to love another third world country.

Doubts that He's shown me are so unfounded and ridiculous when compared to the hugeness and awesomeness of who He is.

And I am still scared that going through this process will bring up that longing. Longing to go to my other home, to be surrounded by all the things that I hold dear.

I don't want to re-say everything I said back then... so just read it.

But He's greater than any longings or any doubts.

And I know that He will also implant in me a longing to make Colombia my home, to be able to stay and love these people with the fullest extent of my love.

And through all of this, I'm learning that my longing should be for Him, above all.

But also, for wherever place that He has called me to share His love.

And even though I have memories, I'm heading out the door to create new ones.

Please pray... and get ready for some blog posts once I get back! :)

Through a Blessing

I opened up my e-mail this morning and found it sitting there.

A small note from my earthly father who is in Europe right now.

And as only one who has been with me from my very beginnings can write, he wrote:

To my own Christa-belle,


Just wanted to bless you with this blessing as you head out to Colombia tomorrow!


May God's love shine brightly through you
 may you take risks
  may you be pushed out of your comfort zone to find your strength in Him and not in the amazing talents you already possess
    and may your choose love over safety, service over comfort, and
      may your heart be broken by the things that break His heart.


I love you very much!


Dad

And these words speak to my heart, so much so that I find tears welling up in my eyes.

Because that's what I've been afraid of these past few days with the time ticking and my heart feeling so unprepared.

I've been scared that I would not let myself be hurt, because of how my heart still hurts for another country that is dear to my heart.

I've been scared that I wouldn't knowlingly let my heart get attached because of the ripping-away that comes later.

But as I read those words, I recognize that it isn't about me in the least.

It's about Him.

It's about how He can take this crumbling mess of doubts and confusions and transform it into a creation that glorifies Him in every action every day.

It's about how He works through  my weaknesses to showcase His strength.

And since it's all about Him, I have nothing to fear.

Absolutely nothing.

Because He will not change, and He will not fail.

And it's all about Him.

In the Little Things

As the plane flight to Colombia approaches, I find many things swirling through my head with nowhere to roost. It seems like I fight through a daily mist of misgivings, hopes, dreams, confusions and information without a resting place.

But He speaks to me even through this numbness.

His sunshine truly does pierce through the gloom.

And He speaks to me in the gifts of a little one, who with smiles and hesitations presents me with his offering.

And what an offering it is.

Through his simple scrawl and hastily folded paper, my heart sees his innocence and rejoices in the gift that He has made this one child to be.

Then, later, when I am writing a return letter... one that will go through the "real mail," He shows me how little gifts brighten everyone's day, and that the little things are most often the things that He shines through.

He doesn't call me to be big, powerful, holding everything together during these hectic upcoming months.

All that He expects me to be is a little light, shining for Him wherever I go.

And as the wherever-I-go part gets put to use in the next few days, He's showing me that it may not be about some amazing revelation that He will impart to me.

It may be something small.

But that would be the best of all.

In Others

I watched your face that Friday night, as you echoed the conductor's movements. The jerks with your arms, the moving up and down with your head, the wide grin that spread across your face.

I watched you, as you watched them.

Musicians creating a masterpiece of beauty. Reconstructing music that you listened to when young. Bringing to life composers long dead.

I watched your face, one that has watched over me for over sixteen years now. Those brown eyes that crinkle when you laugh, that smile when I read excerpts of stories that made me laugh.

Those laugh lines that are well creased every day. The dark hair now glistening with gray.

Those arms that have held me close so often, when I've cried, when I've laughed, when I wake up in the morning and we're both in our pjs, and say good morning.

Those arms that make me feel oh, so *safe*. Those arms that are liberally sprinkled with freckles, ones that I've inherited, ones that you use to answer my question about time with, "Three freckles past a hair."

A face that I've come to respect and love so much.

A face that helps me see my heavenly Father so much clearer.

It was your Christmas gift, but it was also mine.

*****

We perched on desks, that Monday morning, brainstorming, creating, improvising, laughing. 

That group that has drawn me so close these past few months. That group that gives me the freedom to be myself. 

None of us know what we're getting ourselves into, but we all know that we are weak. 

And when we arrive in Colombia, we'll draw even closer together, forming a team that will give community a new meaning.

I'm so thankful for the camaraderie, of the letting go of stereotypes and former conclusions, for the willingness to see beyond the outside to what each individual is trying to keep hidden.

And I see Him... in every single one of you. 

*****

I walked into the store, causing a beeping to sound. And your helpers told me that you were coming. 

You appeared, decked out with jacket, scarf, hat, backpack, swimming bag, lunch bag and purse.

And you hugged me. 

Those hugs that seem to tell me that everything is alright, because there is such a thing as unconditional love.

We walk to your house, discussing what we're going to do next.

And I find it amazing that although I'm the only one that can speak, our conversations thrive. Your hands move quickly in repeated patterns, emphasizing what you want, and I reassure you that we can do what you desire. 

You finish eating and we set out, bundled up and shuffling down the sidewalk, heading out to meet people and get around.

And the frustration of former days comes to my mind and I softly ask you if you will make a promise to me, to not dawdle, but to do things succinctly and well.

You comply. It happens, and I am left amazed at the capacity your brain, that some call "disabled", has. 

The capacity to understand how to help those who hurt, to smile when I need a perk in my day, to stop for hugs at any time, even when in the middle of the street.

Sometimes I wonder what others think, but you show me that it doesn't matter. Because life is amazing, and hugs is your way of living.

It doesn't go perfectly, we struggle and argue. There are misunderstandings, but you say sorry and immediately come round with a hug again. 

It's that unconditional love that He's been teaching me through you. Love beyond what the promises you break, the days that go downhill, the times when I am tempted to give up. 

Love because of who you are. 

Love that you continually give to me.

*****

I pulled on my jacket as she pulled up. A friend transporting me to a place filled with friends. 

And even though there was studying to be done, a Diploma the next day, I needed those hours.

Hours spent stuffing myself with double-stuffed Oreos, Taco chips and salsa. Hours spent playing Dutch Blitz and Apples to Apples.

Hours spent surrounded by those who have meant so much to me these last three years. You guys have seen me grow spiritually in so many ways. 

To be surrounded by the leaders and girls of our Monday night Bible Study and the joy that was found in talking, shrieking in indignation, laughing about mistakes, sharing needs, and praying before we left.

And I feel so free, so safe, to able to express myself in ways often hidden, among that group. 

Free to make mistakes, admit my weakness, knowing that others understand and that when brought before Him in a group, my problems don't seem so big anymore. 

*****

And I am so thankful. 

Thankful for the way that He surrounds me with people like you.

Unbelievable people who grant me the freedom to make mistakes, to learn, and to be myself.

Thank you.

Risk

At last week's Colombia meeting, S showed us some pictures from the Colombia trip last year. I'm already starting to get excited as the date creeps closer and closer (less than 75 days!), but as she neared the end of her pictures, she brought up something that I hadn't been formerly informed about. She turned to a few pictures of kids playing around in a yard, a big imposing house in the background and then explained... that we're visiting a physically and mentally disabled holding house.

As S was telling her story of seeing things that white people aren't normally allowed to see there, my heart tugged and I wanted to change it. Wanted to make all the boo-boos better. Because, people who have nobody else is a very real *passion* of mine. And I'm so excited to see how He's going to grow and make that passion flourish when I'm surrounded by those in need. I love playing with kids, getting them to laugh, making up games, passing the time marveling at the world with them... but I'm also scared.

Scared that I will crawl back into my old shell, will be introverted, will not plunk down and feel instantly at home and start playing with kids. Because... I've always been afraid of getting hurt. Not physically, but emotionally. Of heartache, of pain, of sorrow, of tears.

I've had a lot of that in my life. A lot of pulling away, being uprooted, saying good-bye. Or.. even worse... not being able to say good-bye at all. Of having to leave a country where I grew up and never get to go to my childhood haunts and say good-bye. And I'm scared to bare my heart for all to latch onto, and then to be ripped away again. But... maybe He's calling me to that. Maybe... just, maybe, He's calling me to let it hurt. To let Him work through a passion and calling strong in my heart. To allowing Him to work through my affections to craft me into a more caring and affectionate person. But it hurts.

And these thoughts brought to mind something that I wrote less than a year ago. Because these struggles will come back time and again, when I'm faced with loving those who I think are unlovable, with those that I don't want to risk having my heart attached to. When I love.

Love (March 20th, 2011)

So often when I look around
there are people
without a sound
longing to be loved.

But when I'm among them
Only casual greetings pass my lips
And when alone I search
and find
that I'm afraid.

Afraid of what might happen
if I let go
Fearful of the repercussions
of letting my heart show

To open my arms
and heart to a world of need
Takes one who is higher than me
I am so used
to saying good-bye
Of tears and uprooted feelings

Through it all,
My heart's gotten wise
And built a wall
Tall and wide

So each day I work
Taking, brick by brick,
Apart this wall of
Shelter my heart has built.

 And with new eyes enter
A world that is pleading
to know the One above
So, taking my chances...

I let go of fear
Of reproof, dismissal, disdain,
and open wide a helping heart
Realizing what love's really about

It's not about feelings
although those play a part
It's a choice to let go
Of getting dirty and low...

 And allowing the hurt,
The pain and the dirt
Finding that love...
is about holding nothing back.