It was strange... as if being in that certain place with certain people made me change.
I entered the building, tired after working for a few hours, and was confronted by noisy children, one of those blow-up-jumpy-castles and food. But among all of these were interspersed people that I know. Schoolmates, friends' parents, kids I had babysat. And all of them surrounded me as I fought to find my family.
Coming near that row of bleachers where the others in my class were seated, it was strange to think that tomorrow, I enter back into that world... and then after it's done, I never have to face it again. Of course, I'll have some secondary education of some sort, but not with people who have known me for 6 years of my life.
It's the same way every year. Coming back from the summer, trying to impress others with your tan, or summer vacation, all the while gearing up for a load of school work. Who am I really trying to impress? Am I trying to make them like me? But don't they already? It's a commonly known, though not often exhibited, fact that most people think others are watching them more often then people actually are.
And that's what breaks me from this inward, self-centered, boasting circle that I go in. Everybody feels the same! We all want acceptance, acknowledgements of our gifts and pasts, love even when we don't meet up to others' standards, and being known for who we are inside. It'll be crazy to meet some of these people in heaven and to see the insides of them. If I know them well enough, I already see that, but for those who I don't know so well, it will be very cool.
Having learned so much this summer, having started thinking about how to make this year the most challenging, stretching, learning, applying, daring year that I have yet had, it was hard to enter that building to find that I was reverting.
Reverting to what I was. Or... what I set myself up as. When did that image ever get started? When did people attribute certain things to me? When did I make a box or category for myself? Did I or did others? Needless to say, there are certain things different people are known for. She's musical, he's a math genius, all he cares about is sports, they never really listen, don't do a group project with them... etc. Everybody knows these things. But the thing is... people change. Or... at least they want to.
I've found myself so often held back by others' interpretation of who I am and what I'm made up of. I constantly go back to what I am known for... refusing to grow or to think about doing the things that are not natural to me. But it's those things that aren't easily attainable and that don't show in my everyday life... those are the things that I'm seeking after this year.
So as I left that building, I had to think. How am I going to do this? This wall...this seemingly crystal clear cage that everybody sees through and I see out of, but still surrounds me... how is it to be broken? How is it to be shattered to never rise again? How am I going to prevent another crystal box to take its place? How am I going to make myself ever changing, ever learning, ever being... myself?
It takes energy, planning, initiative, talking to people, doing uncomfortable things. Things that leave me wondering if I'll fail... because I'm not strong. But He is... and I'm hoping (actually, knowing) that when I work together with Him (more like a little child "writing" the alphabet for the first time with the parent really doing all the work and contributing all the skill)... I will be able to break free... forever.
Showing posts with label box. Show all posts
Showing posts with label box. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 30
Wednesday, August 10
Memories
I sorted through that box today.. well, make that boxes. Those fragile, cardboard containers that held the remnants of my memories. For what is a picture, a scrap of paper? Nothing! Unless it leads you to the story behind it. That's where the memories lie. I sorted through them, taking out the unnecessary bits, that section that will grow larger as I grow older and don't really need to remember everything. It was strange to see my whole life laid out before me. Journals, pictures, baby books, school report cards, etc. So much of who I am... and yet not really. What I am is what these memories have caused me to become.. how they've shaped me... not exactly the memory themselves
Which led me to think: what memories am I making today? Am I setting aside time from my "normal" life to either document it or make it exciting? I went to see a play today.. laughed.. and made a memory. Smiled as the real (yay!) rose petals came down. Sniffed them and brought home seven of them to keep. So that I can keep on smiling as I smell them. I hope that some of the memories that others have of me are pleasant and sweet smelling. That I may be spreading His sweet fragrance wherever I go. That when I look back, my life would smile back at me and I would be left with no regrets, just with memories.
Which led me to think: what memories am I making today? Am I setting aside time from my "normal" life to either document it or make it exciting? I went to see a play today.. laughed.. and made a memory. Smiled as the real (yay!) rose petals came down. Sniffed them and brought home seven of them to keep. So that I can keep on smiling as I smell them. I hope that some of the memories that others have of me are pleasant and sweet smelling. That I may be spreading His sweet fragrance wherever I go. That when I look back, my life would smile back at me and I would be left with no regrets, just with memories.
Monday, August 1
Highlights
Excerpts from my journal while at Camp:
July 10th - First Day
Knower,
You knew how I'd feel, didn't You? The joy that welled in me and how I would close my eyes, cease to sing and just listen. As we began to sing, the voices of everyone gathered together in a single building singing the praises of One God - You. To think that someday we will all join - all the world that has been and is now. That someday we will sing Your praises forever... and ever..and ever!
July 13th -Salvation
Abba,
It was such a great privilege to lead Sarah to You and yet nothing changed inside of me. Even as the speaker talked about how to be saved, it struck me again how huge a sacrifice You made. And yet it doesn't seem like the person that I meet day by day is the same as the one who saved my life. I know that my relationship and connection to You doesn't depend on feelings, but I want to feel close to You. Please guide me.
July 16th - Rachel
Knower,
You knew. You knew all along how awesome yesterday was going to be. To see Rachel and to hug her hello instead of good-bye as I did three years ago was bliss. To be able to show her a sliver of my life and to receive news in return, just as dear to me, was fantastic. But I just glory in the fact that through all my pain and tears and longing, You knew that moment would come and it was precious beyond belief. Thank You so much for the joy that You generously lavish on Your children. :)
July 17th - Rest
Abba,
As I sit here, soaking in the sun and sweating with the temperature, I revel in the silence. In just a couple hours, kids will once gain fill this place and quietness will be shattered. But now is the time that You've given me for rejuvenation and I realize that these weeks at Camp (quiet or not) are a rejuvenation for my spirit. A time to soak and to absorb everything that's being taught. I look forward to this next week, eager to know how You will use me and what you will teach me.
July 26th - Sight
Abba,
The question that Jeremiah [the speaker] asked us this morning hit me hard. Where does my identity come from? It should come from You but so often it doesn't. It comes from other people's thoughts and ratings of me, academics, my knowledge, etc. I wish I was perfect, but don't I always? Then, there comes the question of is ignorance really bliss? Is it better to know much about You or to trust as a little child does? Where is the line? So often, theological debates leave my head spinning and me wondering who and what You really are. And yet, aren't You what You've revealed Yourself to be, or have I made up a mental picture of you and put Your powers and attributes in a box? It's all so confusing and yet somehow I know that You are love and You are good.
July 28th - Tears
Abba,
Last night was amazing! To be able to cry and to open up to girls that I felt so defenseful towards just a few days earlier. To be able to finally be able to grieve about losing such an amazing woman as Jan. To feel safe, to get out my mistrust about You providing and to receive assurance that You will bless my sacrifice. I love You and how my weaknesses produce the greatest fruit. Help me to lay down and let go. Humble me!
And then, to get home and write this:
July 30th - Confusion
Father,
I feel so weird. So jumbled up inside. I want to be back at Camp, I really do. I feel so safe and loved and fulfilled that I want to stay in my bubble forever. Camp was the mission field that You called me to and now my mission field is back here. To take all the lessons that I've learned and apply them so that they can change my everyday life. I am surrounded by the remnants of the old, but I am something new. I'm so scared that I will slip back and lose all that I learned. To stop being a slightly extraverted, initiating person who encourages and looks for opportunities to serve. Someone who values people above all; one who will not stay still. Someone who wants to be with You.
July 10th - First Day
Knower,
You knew how I'd feel, didn't You? The joy that welled in me and how I would close my eyes, cease to sing and just listen. As we began to sing, the voices of everyone gathered together in a single building singing the praises of One God - You. To think that someday we will all join - all the world that has been and is now. That someday we will sing Your praises forever... and ever..and ever!
July 13th -Salvation
Abba,
It was such a great privilege to lead Sarah to You and yet nothing changed inside of me. Even as the speaker talked about how to be saved, it struck me again how huge a sacrifice You made. And yet it doesn't seem like the person that I meet day by day is the same as the one who saved my life. I know that my relationship and connection to You doesn't depend on feelings, but I want to feel close to You. Please guide me.
July 16th - Rachel
Knower,
You knew. You knew all along how awesome yesterday was going to be. To see Rachel and to hug her hello instead of good-bye as I did three years ago was bliss. To be able to show her a sliver of my life and to receive news in return, just as dear to me, was fantastic. But I just glory in the fact that through all my pain and tears and longing, You knew that moment would come and it was precious beyond belief. Thank You so much for the joy that You generously lavish on Your children. :)
July 17th - Rest
Abba,
As I sit here, soaking in the sun and sweating with the temperature, I revel in the silence. In just a couple hours, kids will once gain fill this place and quietness will be shattered. But now is the time that You've given me for rejuvenation and I realize that these weeks at Camp (quiet or not) are a rejuvenation for my spirit. A time to soak and to absorb everything that's being taught. I look forward to this next week, eager to know how You will use me and what you will teach me.
July 26th - Sight
Abba,
The question that Jeremiah [the speaker] asked us this morning hit me hard. Where does my identity come from? It should come from You but so often it doesn't. It comes from other people's thoughts and ratings of me, academics, my knowledge, etc. I wish I was perfect, but don't I always? Then, there comes the question of is ignorance really bliss? Is it better to know much about You or to trust as a little child does? Where is the line? So often, theological debates leave my head spinning and me wondering who and what You really are. And yet, aren't You what You've revealed Yourself to be, or have I made up a mental picture of you and put Your powers and attributes in a box? It's all so confusing and yet somehow I know that You are love and You are good.
July 28th - Tears
Abba,
Last night was amazing! To be able to cry and to open up to girls that I felt so defenseful towards just a few days earlier. To be able to finally be able to grieve about losing such an amazing woman as Jan. To feel safe, to get out my mistrust about You providing and to receive assurance that You will bless my sacrifice. I love You and how my weaknesses produce the greatest fruit. Help me to lay down and let go. Humble me!
And then, to get home and write this:
July 30th - Confusion
Father,
I feel so weird. So jumbled up inside. I want to be back at Camp, I really do. I feel so safe and loved and fulfilled that I want to stay in my bubble forever. Camp was the mission field that You called me to and now my mission field is back here. To take all the lessons that I've learned and apply them so that they can change my everyday life. I am surrounded by the remnants of the old, but I am something new. I'm so scared that I will slip back and lose all that I learned. To stop being a slightly extraverted, initiating person who encourages and looks for opportunities to serve. Someone who values people above all; one who will not stay still. Someone who wants to be with You.
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