I sat there... thinking so many different thoughts. Curled up and held. A ball of warmth surrounded by arms that are strong and able. I fit so well.
He rubbed my back, saying nothing. It's what I love most, actually. The silent communication that we have. That he understands me... my need for silence and safety.
He was gone for a few weeks. And I didn't really miss him, sad to say. It was only when he came back that I realized how much of who I am, past, present, and future is wrapped up inside of him being around.
He's my strong and silent warrior.
We are so much alike. In face and feature, but also in personality and quirks. I'm most unashamedly my father's daughter and very much a daddy's girl.
We had just been scrolling through pictures of Cameroon... people that I knew, people that I had once loved. Still love. But from very far away.
Curled up... thinking. Thinking about how when he was young, he also was torn away from a country that he loved very much... a scenario very much like mine. The only difference: he never got to go back.
And I will.
I felt like crying but didn't want to. It's one the very rare moments in my life when that has happened.
But now I cry.
I have such a deep respect for you, Daddy. One that goes beyond the mere amazing way that you provide for your family in every situation, unprecedented or not. One that has everything to do with how real you are with me and with everyone around you.
The morning you got home, I went into the bathroom, opened up the closet and was never so incredibly happy to see shaving cream in my life.
When you came in and hugged me, I was so full of joy, and a piece of satisfaction that had been jarred by your leaving was somehow put back into place.
Mornings with you are my favourite parts of the day. To see you sitting in your chair... that chair... praying, makes me know that all is right in the world. That my father is in charge, that He is in charge of you and nothing can go wrong.
You care. You love. And you speak my love language. I have never doubted that you love me from the very deepest core of yourself. You show it in everything that you do.
You take time. You ask questions. You honestly care about my day.
You answer questions, go into detail, keep a conversation going, know my thoughts sometimes before I speak them.
I say it every year, I know, but I say it here as well. I am so very, very, VERY thankful that I have a father that allows me to see a glimpse of my true Father. So many girls (nay, children) are deprived of that.
I love you!
From your Christi-Belle
P.S. No, Mom, I didn't forget about you! ;)
Showing posts with label silent. Show all posts
Showing posts with label silent. Show all posts
Thursday, October 6
Thursday, August 11
Storms
Cuddled up, wrapped in a blanket cocoon. A purring cat by my side and darkness all around me. Outside, silence is rent by the sharp darts of lightning and the booming answer of thunder. I was always told that when storms happened, He was rearranging His furniture. Wow, I thought. That last one must have been the couch!
And yet, oddly enough, I feel peace. I love storms. The rain and the fresh smell that it brings. The cleansing that it symbolizes. But most of all.. I love knowing that I'm safe. That inside these walls, none of what's outside can touch me. So, all I have to do is to enjoy it.
What I fail to realize sometimes, though, is the comparison this brings to my own life. Too often when storms come, I run and hide, just as a little child does, to His bed. There He comforts me, but when the biggest crash of all comes, I still huddle closer. What I should know, above all, is that I am safe, even when not "next" to Him. Within His walls, nothing can touch me. Absolutely nothing! He has built His hedge of protection around me, and even though the prospects of certain situations may make me afraid, all I have to do is snuggle down and enjoy. Because, I have nothing to worry about.. after all, I'm in His house.
Monday, August 1
Highlights
Excerpts from my journal while at Camp:
July 10th - First Day
Knower,
You knew how I'd feel, didn't You? The joy that welled in me and how I would close my eyes, cease to sing and just listen. As we began to sing, the voices of everyone gathered together in a single building singing the praises of One God - You. To think that someday we will all join - all the world that has been and is now. That someday we will sing Your praises forever... and ever..and ever!
July 13th -Salvation
Abba,
It was such a great privilege to lead Sarah to You and yet nothing changed inside of me. Even as the speaker talked about how to be saved, it struck me again how huge a sacrifice You made. And yet it doesn't seem like the person that I meet day by day is the same as the one who saved my life. I know that my relationship and connection to You doesn't depend on feelings, but I want to feel close to You. Please guide me.
July 16th - Rachel
Knower,
You knew. You knew all along how awesome yesterday was going to be. To see Rachel and to hug her hello instead of good-bye as I did three years ago was bliss. To be able to show her a sliver of my life and to receive news in return, just as dear to me, was fantastic. But I just glory in the fact that through all my pain and tears and longing, You knew that moment would come and it was precious beyond belief. Thank You so much for the joy that You generously lavish on Your children. :)
July 17th - Rest
Abba,
As I sit here, soaking in the sun and sweating with the temperature, I revel in the silence. In just a couple hours, kids will once gain fill this place and quietness will be shattered. But now is the time that You've given me for rejuvenation and I realize that these weeks at Camp (quiet or not) are a rejuvenation for my spirit. A time to soak and to absorb everything that's being taught. I look forward to this next week, eager to know how You will use me and what you will teach me.
July 26th - Sight
Abba,
The question that Jeremiah [the speaker] asked us this morning hit me hard. Where does my identity come from? It should come from You but so often it doesn't. It comes from other people's thoughts and ratings of me, academics, my knowledge, etc. I wish I was perfect, but don't I always? Then, there comes the question of is ignorance really bliss? Is it better to know much about You or to trust as a little child does? Where is the line? So often, theological debates leave my head spinning and me wondering who and what You really are. And yet, aren't You what You've revealed Yourself to be, or have I made up a mental picture of you and put Your powers and attributes in a box? It's all so confusing and yet somehow I know that You are love and You are good.
July 28th - Tears
Abba,
Last night was amazing! To be able to cry and to open up to girls that I felt so defenseful towards just a few days earlier. To be able to finally be able to grieve about losing such an amazing woman as Jan. To feel safe, to get out my mistrust about You providing and to receive assurance that You will bless my sacrifice. I love You and how my weaknesses produce the greatest fruit. Help me to lay down and let go. Humble me!
And then, to get home and write this:
July 30th - Confusion
Father,
I feel so weird. So jumbled up inside. I want to be back at Camp, I really do. I feel so safe and loved and fulfilled that I want to stay in my bubble forever. Camp was the mission field that You called me to and now my mission field is back here. To take all the lessons that I've learned and apply them so that they can change my everyday life. I am surrounded by the remnants of the old, but I am something new. I'm so scared that I will slip back and lose all that I learned. To stop being a slightly extraverted, initiating person who encourages and looks for opportunities to serve. Someone who values people above all; one who will not stay still. Someone who wants to be with You.
July 10th - First Day
Knower,
You knew how I'd feel, didn't You? The joy that welled in me and how I would close my eyes, cease to sing and just listen. As we began to sing, the voices of everyone gathered together in a single building singing the praises of One God - You. To think that someday we will all join - all the world that has been and is now. That someday we will sing Your praises forever... and ever..and ever!
July 13th -Salvation
Abba,
It was such a great privilege to lead Sarah to You and yet nothing changed inside of me. Even as the speaker talked about how to be saved, it struck me again how huge a sacrifice You made. And yet it doesn't seem like the person that I meet day by day is the same as the one who saved my life. I know that my relationship and connection to You doesn't depend on feelings, but I want to feel close to You. Please guide me.
July 16th - Rachel
Knower,
You knew. You knew all along how awesome yesterday was going to be. To see Rachel and to hug her hello instead of good-bye as I did three years ago was bliss. To be able to show her a sliver of my life and to receive news in return, just as dear to me, was fantastic. But I just glory in the fact that through all my pain and tears and longing, You knew that moment would come and it was precious beyond belief. Thank You so much for the joy that You generously lavish on Your children. :)
July 17th - Rest
Abba,
As I sit here, soaking in the sun and sweating with the temperature, I revel in the silence. In just a couple hours, kids will once gain fill this place and quietness will be shattered. But now is the time that You've given me for rejuvenation and I realize that these weeks at Camp (quiet or not) are a rejuvenation for my spirit. A time to soak and to absorb everything that's being taught. I look forward to this next week, eager to know how You will use me and what you will teach me.
July 26th - Sight
Abba,
The question that Jeremiah [the speaker] asked us this morning hit me hard. Where does my identity come from? It should come from You but so often it doesn't. It comes from other people's thoughts and ratings of me, academics, my knowledge, etc. I wish I was perfect, but don't I always? Then, there comes the question of is ignorance really bliss? Is it better to know much about You or to trust as a little child does? Where is the line? So often, theological debates leave my head spinning and me wondering who and what You really are. And yet, aren't You what You've revealed Yourself to be, or have I made up a mental picture of you and put Your powers and attributes in a box? It's all so confusing and yet somehow I know that You are love and You are good.
July 28th - Tears
Abba,
Last night was amazing! To be able to cry and to open up to girls that I felt so defenseful towards just a few days earlier. To be able to finally be able to grieve about losing such an amazing woman as Jan. To feel safe, to get out my mistrust about You providing and to receive assurance that You will bless my sacrifice. I love You and how my weaknesses produce the greatest fruit. Help me to lay down and let go. Humble me!
And then, to get home and write this:
July 30th - Confusion
Father,
I feel so weird. So jumbled up inside. I want to be back at Camp, I really do. I feel so safe and loved and fulfilled that I want to stay in my bubble forever. Camp was the mission field that You called me to and now my mission field is back here. To take all the lessons that I've learned and apply them so that they can change my everyday life. I am surrounded by the remnants of the old, but I am something new. I'm so scared that I will slip back and lose all that I learned. To stop being a slightly extraverted, initiating person who encourages and looks for opportunities to serve. Someone who values people above all; one who will not stay still. Someone who wants to be with You.
Friday, July 8
Fear
Fear...
The word that embodies everything I feel when I am exposed to be insecure and weak. It's at these times that I wonder what I'm made of. After all, if I can so easily fear, what have I learned in life? It's not as if I've conquered much if the same fear can come back time and time again to make me shrivel up and hide in a corner.
Fear. Fear of being misunderstood, of being seen as incapable, of being untalented, ungodly, a bad example, and everything else that comes with being alive. The fear that sometimes rules my thoughts, actions and words, although it shouldn't. Afraid of what might come, and yet afraid to stay the same.
And yet... what is the antithesis of fear? Most things have an immediate equal and opposite reaction word inside of our heads, and yet.. fear? Is it... could it... maybe be trust? At first glance, it makes me turn away, afraid once again. What is trust after all but the letting down of barriers, of risking all, especially to be disappointed and hurt, but to never fear again?
Because, in some ways, perfect trust casts out all fear, as the saying goes for love. To trust someone is to place in their possession the very things that I am afraid the world might see, the weaknesses, the imperfections, the mistakes. To give them the ability to hurt me in the ways that I am afraid of.
These fears that I hold, these inconsistencies that I hide, these showings of who I really am, a base, evil, sinful human being... aren't easy to share with just anyone. But who is He, but Someone? As I have been struggling to let this thing go, I think back to what has happened in the past with trust issues and find it all the same. I never give up easily, and I never turn right to Him when something comes up. It's discouraging to think that I have never once, really and truly, trusted Him to the completion of a problem.
Oh, sure, I put it into His hands, and was still for awhile, going along with life. But then, I began to murmur, complain, worry, and the stillness was broken. That solid foundation of being still and trusting all the He was and is and has done and will do was being shaken. And I was the one doing it! I grabbed the problem out of His hands, and set to trying to fix it myself, worrying when things wouldn't turn out right.
But time and time again, He's proved me wrong. As I knew He would at the very beginning. It seems that I am destined to repeat the same mistake over and over with no experience gleaned or lessons applied. For this is what life is for. It's so discouraging to think that He's working a work in me and that I'm standing in the way. What would it take for me to be completely still... to be silent... to trust? I fear too much...
The word that embodies everything I feel when I am exposed to be insecure and weak. It's at these times that I wonder what I'm made of. After all, if I can so easily fear, what have I learned in life? It's not as if I've conquered much if the same fear can come back time and time again to make me shrivel up and hide in a corner.
Fear. Fear of being misunderstood, of being seen as incapable, of being untalented, ungodly, a bad example, and everything else that comes with being alive. The fear that sometimes rules my thoughts, actions and words, although it shouldn't. Afraid of what might come, and yet afraid to stay the same.
And yet... what is the antithesis of fear? Most things have an immediate equal and opposite reaction word inside of our heads, and yet.. fear? Is it... could it... maybe be trust? At first glance, it makes me turn away, afraid once again. What is trust after all but the letting down of barriers, of risking all, especially to be disappointed and hurt, but to never fear again?
Because, in some ways, perfect trust casts out all fear, as the saying goes for love. To trust someone is to place in their possession the very things that I am afraid the world might see, the weaknesses, the imperfections, the mistakes. To give them the ability to hurt me in the ways that I am afraid of.
These fears that I hold, these inconsistencies that I hide, these showings of who I really am, a base, evil, sinful human being... aren't easy to share with just anyone. But who is He, but Someone? As I have been struggling to let this thing go, I think back to what has happened in the past with trust issues and find it all the same. I never give up easily, and I never turn right to Him when something comes up. It's discouraging to think that I have never once, really and truly, trusted Him to the completion of a problem.
Oh, sure, I put it into His hands, and was still for awhile, going along with life. But then, I began to murmur, complain, worry, and the stillness was broken. That solid foundation of being still and trusting all the He was and is and has done and will do was being shaken. And I was the one doing it! I grabbed the problem out of His hands, and set to trying to fix it myself, worrying when things wouldn't turn out right.
But time and time again, He's proved me wrong. As I knew He would at the very beginning. It seems that I am destined to repeat the same mistake over and over with no experience gleaned or lessons applied. For this is what life is for. It's so discouraging to think that He's working a work in me and that I'm standing in the way. What would it take for me to be completely still... to be silent... to trust? I fear too much...
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