On a Monday morning, some truths need to be repeated as guilt can wash in like a flood.
"You slept through your alarm and didn't do your devotions? Oh, wait. You didn't even set your alarm. What kind of person are you?"
"You do this every weekend. Devotions seems to start and end with weekdays. Not even on Sunday!"
"You said you'd do better this time, well, you didn't."
And the voices go on and on... but only if I let them. Because they are not truth, they are not who He is.
I can so easily transpose human emotion onto a God who never changes. I can imagine Him miffed by my unconcern toward spending time with Him or my blatant refusal of His wishes. Yes, I'm sure He is disappointed. But miffed, holding back on me and keeping His presence from me so I feel His distance even as I was distant from Him before?
No. He is not a vengeful God towards His children.
And there's a line that goes through my head. It's from a song one of the students wrote last year:
You make me holy. You make me holy. You make me holy, You make me holy.
Truth that resounds.
You see, I can so easily forget what Hebrews 12:12 is really trying to say:
We do this [running with endurance] by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. (Hebrews 12:2a)
He initiated. And He perfects. My deeds were not what got me into the position of a highly favoured child of God. And they won't get me out of it either. Which is not a license for sinning more, but what enables me to look beyond my failures of a weekend and to know that my God is ready and waiting to perfect my faith as I come to Him.
He makes me holy. Hallelujah!
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Monday, November 18
Saturday, November 16
More than My Sin
So often in this day-to-day routine that we label as life at Millar, I can get lost. Lost in the reality of what seeking Him means when I go to classes all morning relating to Him and am involved in prayer meetings and mentoring and everything else.
But it seems like everyday, He comes with those little things that speak gently and quietly, those precious words:
"I love you, Christy."
And one of those came through our discussion about David's sin with Bathsheba in Historical Book's class.
I've never noticed before, but all of David's really big, really disastrous sins all occur after ch. 7 of 2 Samuel. In this chapter, God speaks of His covenant with David, and there's just an amazing record of all that He has done to bring David to the place that he is today.
And it's just four chapters later, that we read about David's sin with Bathsheba. And I think that's on purpose...
The fact is, David's sin and emotions were never, could never, be bigger than God's covenant. My sin does not annul God's covenant with me.
It almost comes from a selfish perspective, I guess, to boast that my sin is so great that it overwhelms His grace and His promise. It never could.
I so often fall into the trap of thinking that somehow my deeds are what keep me in His love. But they weren't what got me there, and they aren't enough to take me out.
But it seems like everyday, He comes with those little things that speak gently and quietly, those precious words:
"I love you, Christy."
And one of those came through our discussion about David's sin with Bathsheba in Historical Book's class.
I've never noticed before, but all of David's really big, really disastrous sins all occur after ch. 7 of 2 Samuel. In this chapter, God speaks of His covenant with David, and there's just an amazing record of all that He has done to bring David to the place that he is today.
And it's just four chapters later, that we read about David's sin with Bathsheba. And I think that's on purpose...
The fact is, David's sin and emotions were never, could never, be bigger than God's covenant. My sin does not annul God's covenant with me.
It almost comes from a selfish perspective, I guess, to boast that my sin is so great that it overwhelms His grace and His promise. It never could.
I so often fall into the trap of thinking that somehow my deeds are what keep me in His love. But they weren't what got me there, and they aren't enough to take me out.
"The gospel
tells us the determining factor in my relationship with God is Jesus' work for
us, not our work for him; his performance for us, not our performance for him;
his obedience for us, not our obedience. The Gospel is the good news that God doesn't
relate to us based on our feats for Jesus but Jesus feats for us. The gospel
tells us that God's acceptance of us is not gained by our success or forfeited
by our failures - because it's not about us!"
(Tullian
Tchividjian)
It's not about me.
David did not get to the throne by his own power, and he did not keep the throne by his own power. It was God 100% of the way. It wasn't David with a bit of God's help, or even David with a lot of God's help - it was GOD.
As humans, we overestimate our ability to help God, when really, all we are is dust:
"A voice says, "Cry!" And I said, "What shall I cry?" All flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades when teh breath of the Lord blows on it; surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever." (Isaiah 40:6-8, ESV)
My salvation? It's none of what I've done. In fact, the only thing I've ever contributed to my salvation is my sin. So there is no way, that either my success or my failures will influence whether God accepts me or not.
What a lovely truth!
Friday, September 13
Enough
It's not about me.
How many times do I have to keep on seeing that, learning it, expressing it, doing it?
All my life, I'm afraid.
Going into this school year, there's so much ahead that terrifies me and excites me all at once. I'm being placed in a leadership role that requires humility and time, some things that aren't exactly my forte at times. And as I wonder about how I'm going to deal with these things and how I'm going to come across, and how to plan, and, and, and, and...
He stops me with a song.
His grace is enough.
It's enough to cover my inadequacies. Enough, even, to highlight them for His glory.
It's enough to inspire me, to give me strength, to give me compassion, to give me flexibility. His grace is the only thing that can carry me.
The hard part is actually letting Him do that.
You see, I have a problem.
Not only am I prideful.... but I hate coming across as needy.
When people think of me, I want them to think of someone who has their life together, who is strong, who is confident, who knows that's going on and what to do.... psssshhhhh....
who am i kidding....
The crazy thing is that the people who have impacted me most have not been those who had their lives put together perfectly, who were able to deliver that crazy inspirational speech, or were in the limelight all the time.
Those people who have impacted me the most have been those who have lived openly before me, letting their cracks show and their brokenness out. Those who show that life is not about living it perfectly, but being broken and depending on One who is greater.
Whether that's my parents, my friends, my mentors, people from my church, or people here at Millar, I know that my desire to be perfect is even counter-productive to an extent.
Because how much can an all-sufficient God shine through someone who is perceived as all-sufficient?
Not very much.
And so I pray for brokenness. For the ability to live brokenly in front of others, and to not try to explain away my faults and my failures.
To live in the hope of One who is over-abundantly, overwhelmingly, more than... enough.
How many times do I have to keep on seeing that, learning it, expressing it, doing it?
All my life, I'm afraid.
Going into this school year, there's so much ahead that terrifies me and excites me all at once. I'm being placed in a leadership role that requires humility and time, some things that aren't exactly my forte at times. And as I wonder about how I'm going to deal with these things and how I'm going to come across, and how to plan, and, and, and, and...
He stops me with a song.
His grace is enough.
It's enough to cover my inadequacies. Enough, even, to highlight them for His glory.
It's enough to inspire me, to give me strength, to give me compassion, to give me flexibility. His grace is the only thing that can carry me.
The hard part is actually letting Him do that.
You see, I have a problem.
Not only am I prideful.... but I hate coming across as needy.
When people think of me, I want them to think of someone who has their life together, who is strong, who is confident, who knows that's going on and what to do.... psssshhhhh....
who am i kidding....
The crazy thing is that the people who have impacted me most have not been those who had their lives put together perfectly, who were able to deliver that crazy inspirational speech, or were in the limelight all the time.
Those people who have impacted me the most have been those who have lived openly before me, letting their cracks show and their brokenness out. Those who show that life is not about living it perfectly, but being broken and depending on One who is greater.
Whether that's my parents, my friends, my mentors, people from my church, or people here at Millar, I know that my desire to be perfect is even counter-productive to an extent.
Because how much can an all-sufficient God shine through someone who is perceived as all-sufficient?
Not very much.
And so I pray for brokenness. For the ability to live brokenly in front of others, and to not try to explain away my faults and my failures.
To live in the hope of One who is over-abundantly, overwhelmingly, more than... enough.
Tuesday, August 13
Grace Full
I surrender all I am for who You are.
Read that again.
And again.
What does this mean?
I deal with my insufficiency day by day, although I often pat myself on my back for my ability to control myself.
But this morning as I rolled over in bed when my alarm went off at 6:30, waking me up for a run and starting to get me back into Millar schedule, I rebelled.
I'm tired. I'm achy. I AM NOT GETTING UP. I know what I said I would do. I know what's right, even if it's simply a standard I set for myself, but I refuse.
And so I slept on, tossing and turning, retreating from the encroaching morning sunlight.
Eventually I crawled out of bed, and sat there, despaired.
I love control. I love knowing that I can control myself, that I can conquer any bad habit or tendency if I simply try. But there are days when I fail (I mean, this should come as a taken, right, Christy? Along with the whole fallen humanity dealio? You didn't realize that.... oh.... awkward moment). I beat myself up, although I know given the chance to rewind the hours, I would do exactly the same thing.
It's not that I sinned by sleeping in, but rather that I was faced again with how much of a failure I am to even control my sleeping habits. And if I'm a failure at controlling my sleeping habits, why do I even pretend that I've got this whole righteousness thing down pat?
Although it's been a continual lesson over the past year at Millar, it was just impressed anew to me this morning - salvation is all about insufficiency.
We are not enough.
Not enough to be able to come into the presence of a holy God.
Who may worship in your sanctuary, LORD? Who may enter your presence on your holy hill? Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right, speaking the truth from sincere hearts. (Psalm 15:1-2)
This Psalm goes on to list the qualities of the person who can approach the Lord, but that first one catches me right off guard. I mean, why not go up from smaller to greater qualities, but, ok, then, hit me with the biggest one first, why don'tcha?
Those who lead blameless lives.
I'm pretty sure that phrase finds no place in the definition of Christy Scott.
Nuh-uh. No blamess life being lived over here.
And it's not for lack of effort. Not in the least. I try, and I try, and sometimes I purpose to fail simply because I feel the weight of never being enough.
Then there's the one point. The one time when truth was spoken and I saw, even as a little three year old, that I needed Something else... I needed Someone else.
And as much as I recognize that He is the only One who saves, I guess I forget that He continues to be the only One who can save, every. single. day.
As I wake up, is my first prayer, "I cannot live this day alone. I ask you to shred away another layer of my selfish hold and instead interpose Yourself into every situation."?
No.
And I lifted myself up from my bed and got ready to shower, and then got my computer, and for the first time in a long time, listened to music while I showered. And the words of simple Amazing Grace hit home again.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
Grace. Amazing Grace.
He's full of it.
Will you take it?
Every day, will it be your companion, the assurance that you are not doing this thing alone? That you are no longer yourself, for you have been crucified, you have died, you have risen again... with Christ?
And here's a marvelous old hymn that just summed up what I just splattered everywhere on this post:
Read that again.
And again.
What does this mean?
I deal with my insufficiency day by day, although I often pat myself on my back for my ability to control myself.
But this morning as I rolled over in bed when my alarm went off at 6:30, waking me up for a run and starting to get me back into Millar schedule, I rebelled.
I'm tired. I'm achy. I AM NOT GETTING UP. I know what I said I would do. I know what's right, even if it's simply a standard I set for myself, but I refuse.
And so I slept on, tossing and turning, retreating from the encroaching morning sunlight.
Eventually I crawled out of bed, and sat there, despaired.
I love control. I love knowing that I can control myself, that I can conquer any bad habit or tendency if I simply try. But there are days when I fail (I mean, this should come as a taken, right, Christy? Along with the whole fallen humanity dealio? You didn't realize that.... oh.... awkward moment). I beat myself up, although I know given the chance to rewind the hours, I would do exactly the same thing.
It's not that I sinned by sleeping in, but rather that I was faced again with how much of a failure I am to even control my sleeping habits. And if I'm a failure at controlling my sleeping habits, why do I even pretend that I've got this whole righteousness thing down pat?
Although it's been a continual lesson over the past year at Millar, it was just impressed anew to me this morning - salvation is all about insufficiency.
We are not enough.
Not enough to be able to come into the presence of a holy God.
Who may worship in your sanctuary, LORD? Who may enter your presence on your holy hill? Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right, speaking the truth from sincere hearts. (Psalm 15:1-2)
This Psalm goes on to list the qualities of the person who can approach the Lord, but that first one catches me right off guard. I mean, why not go up from smaller to greater qualities, but, ok, then, hit me with the biggest one first, why don'tcha?
Those who lead blameless lives.
I'm pretty sure that phrase finds no place in the definition of Christy Scott.
Nuh-uh. No blamess life being lived over here.
And it's not for lack of effort. Not in the least. I try, and I try, and sometimes I purpose to fail simply because I feel the weight of never being enough.
Then there's the one point. The one time when truth was spoken and I saw, even as a little three year old, that I needed Something else... I needed Someone else.
And as much as I recognize that He is the only One who saves, I guess I forget that He continues to be the only One who can save, every. single. day.
As I wake up, is my first prayer, "I cannot live this day alone. I ask you to shred away another layer of my selfish hold and instead interpose Yourself into every situation."?
No.
And I lifted myself up from my bed and got ready to shower, and then got my computer, and for the first time in a long time, listened to music while I showered. And the words of simple Amazing Grace hit home again.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
Grace. Amazing Grace.
He's full of it.
Will you take it?
Every day, will it be your companion, the assurance that you are not doing this thing alone? That you are no longer yourself, for you have been crucified, you have died, you have risen again... with Christ?
And here's a marvelous old hymn that just summed up what I just splattered everywhere on this post:
Marvelous grace of our loving Lord,
Grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt!
Yonder on Calvary’s mount outpoured,
There where the blood of the Lamb was spilled.
Grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt!
Yonder on Calvary’s mount outpoured,
There where the blood of the Lamb was spilled.
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin.
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin.
Sin and despair, like the sea waves cold,
Threaten the soul with infinite loss;
Grace that is greater, yes, grace untold,
Points to the refuge, the mighty cross.
Threaten the soul with infinite loss;
Grace that is greater, yes, grace untold,
Points to the refuge, the mighty cross.
Dark is the stain that we cannot hide.
What can avail to wash it away?
Look! There is flowing a crimson tide,
Brighter than snow you may be today.
What can avail to wash it away?
Look! There is flowing a crimson tide,
Brighter than snow you may be today.
Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
Freely bestowed on all who believe!
You that are longing to see His face,
Will you this moment His grace receive?
Freely bestowed on all who believe!
You that are longing to see His face,
Will you this moment His grace receive?
Friday, April 5
In Easter
Just as I wrote about in my last post, recently I've been learning a lot about what it means to be not enough.
And as I headed home for Easter weekend, I fell under the illusion (as I have a tendency to do) that God is chained to the places that I've encountered Him.
So often I can come into His presence with greater ease when it's a familiar place that when entered brings back memories of lessons in the past that He's taught me.
As a result, when I switch places, I have to go through the whole mental game of reminding myself that He is with me everywhere I go.
The weekend was great. But as I entered church on Easter Sunday morning, I was feeling dimly lit, as if I hadn't encountered God the way that I wanted to during this season. As if I couldn't feel Him.
But as the service went by, it was if the common thread of His lessons to me recently was whispered in my head over and over again.
Easter is all about not being enough.
The reason He came? The reason He died?
I am not enough. But He is.
There is no way that I can face a holy God with anything in my hands that would convince Him to let me near His perfectness.
I am filth from the inside out, coated in the molasses texture of sins that I have deluded myself are not really that bad.
Coming into His presence while those drip off of me and pollute the white halls of His holiness?
Not going to happen.
And so He sent His Son. The only One who was enough.
That One who is everything, became nothing so that I might become whole.
And as we dyed Easter eggs, turning them from white to scribbled with hope,
I realized afresh how He takes one life and not only justifies (declares not guilty),
but in His good will, chooses to sanctify that life.
Taking the little moments of each day, the trials and the heartache, the joys and delights,
And crafts each on of us into something that He delights in.
Something that brings Him glory.
I am not enough. I could never do this on my own.
But He can. And He does.
And that's why there's Easter.
And as I headed home for Easter weekend, I fell under the illusion (as I have a tendency to do) that God is chained to the places that I've encountered Him.
So often I can come into His presence with greater ease when it's a familiar place that when entered brings back memories of lessons in the past that He's taught me.
As a result, when I switch places, I have to go through the whole mental game of reminding myself that He is with me everywhere I go.
The weekend was great. But as I entered church on Easter Sunday morning, I was feeling dimly lit, as if I hadn't encountered God the way that I wanted to during this season. As if I couldn't feel Him.
But as the service went by, it was if the common thread of His lessons to me recently was whispered in my head over and over again.
Easter is all about not being enough.
The reason He came? The reason He died?
I am not enough. But He is.
There is no way that I can face a holy God with anything in my hands that would convince Him to let me near His perfectness.
I am filth from the inside out, coated in the molasses texture of sins that I have deluded myself are not really that bad.
Coming into His presence while those drip off of me and pollute the white halls of His holiness?
Not going to happen.
And so He sent His Son. The only One who was enough.
That One who is everything, became nothing so that I might become whole.
And as we dyed Easter eggs, turning them from white to scribbled with hope,
I realized afresh how He takes one life and not only justifies (declares not guilty),
but in His good will, chooses to sanctify that life.
Taking the little moments of each day, the trials and the heartache, the joys and delights,
And crafts each on of us into something that He delights in.
Something that brings Him glory.
I am not enough. I could never do this on my own.
But He can. And He does.
And that's why there's Easter.
Tuesday, February 19
By My Side
Project-oriented.
A new word I have recently found to describe myself.
How? I like to fix things and to get things from start to finish. That includes school projects, situations in other people's lives, other people themselves and my own spiritual life.
Yup.
Doesn't work so well with those things that refuse fixing. Things that undulate up and down and never seem to hold a steady place because, I need to face it, humankind is humankind.
We have our up days, we have our down days, we even have our inside-out days.
And when it comes to my spiritual life, I wish that I could go from area to area, or spiritual fruit to spiritual fruit, work on one until it comes to fruition and then move on to another.
But I find that as soon as I try to do that, I look back and see that the area I just left has already fallen into dis-array.
I'm not perfect.
You don't say.
And being home has had it's ups and downs as well. One one side, I'd say that I adjusted to being home the best out of any break so far. I feel as if I'm back in the home groove once more. One the other hand, the struggle of bringing Millar habits and integrating them into my home life.
I fail. I fall.
And I beat myself up until I remember.... it's not about me.
If I was enough to make myself perfect, there was no reason for Him to come. I am striving to earn grace, and that doesn't work. So as I listen to words of truth, I bask in the knowledge that I am not enough, but that He is. And He is always by my side.
A new word I have recently found to describe myself.
How? I like to fix things and to get things from start to finish. That includes school projects, situations in other people's lives, other people themselves and my own spiritual life.
Yup.
Doesn't work so well with those things that refuse fixing. Things that undulate up and down and never seem to hold a steady place because, I need to face it, humankind is humankind.
We have our up days, we have our down days, we even have our inside-out days.
And when it comes to my spiritual life, I wish that I could go from area to area, or spiritual fruit to spiritual fruit, work on one until it comes to fruition and then move on to another.
But I find that as soon as I try to do that, I look back and see that the area I just left has already fallen into dis-array.
I'm not perfect.
You don't say.
And being home has had it's ups and downs as well. One one side, I'd say that I adjusted to being home the best out of any break so far. I feel as if I'm back in the home groove once more. One the other hand, the struggle of bringing Millar habits and integrating them into my home life.
I fail. I fall.
And I beat myself up until I remember.... it's not about me.
If I was enough to make myself perfect, there was no reason for Him to come. I am striving to earn grace, and that doesn't work. So as I listen to words of truth, I bask in the knowledge that I am not enough, but that He is. And He is always by my side.
Tuesday, October 16
Broken
After this morning, I find myself wondering… what does it
mean to be broken?
Broken as I was, and broken as He was.
Broken as a state of humanity, broken as way to save the
nations.
It’s so easy for me to think that I’m not broken. My
background, which I’m so thankful for, doesn't lead me immediately to my knees
in thankfulness of the grace that He extends.
There are no “big” sins in my past, and yet, in His sight,
“all have sinned and all fall short of the glory of God,” and “no one is
righteous – not even one… all have turned away; all have become useless. No one
does good, not a single one.” (Romans 3:10,12,23)
And I find it hard to think of myself as full of sin, but as
I approach the communion table, we’re reminded to come as totally unworthy.
Do I truly understand what that means? Do I understand what my brokenness looks like? My brokenness that
caused the grace of God to reach down to those very people who embodied the sin
that He abhors.
I once heard this saying:“The only thing that you contribute to your salvation is
your sin." And it takes me aback because it's true and at first, I don't want to acknowledge it.
So often, I think that I've been doing pretty good in life.
That I don’t need help, that I've got things under control, but as Romans 14:23
says, if we’re not doing something by faith, then we’re sinning.
No matter what we do, whether good or bad, if not done in an
attitude of “I’m incapable… only You can do this through me”, is sin. It is
sin to not realize that everything that I have is by the grace of God.
The very fact that I woke up this morning, that I’m
breathing, that I possess fingers that allow me to type, that I can come into
His presence… they’re all by His grace.
Therefore, since we
have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of
what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has
brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we
confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory… When we were
utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.
Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though
someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by
sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. (Romans
5:1-2, 6-8)
In order to bring us to this place of peace with Him through
faith, He was broken.
Do I understand that brokenness?
The pain that He went through in order to reconcile humanity
to Himself, the brokenness for which He thanked the Father for during the Last
Supper?
The shredded back, the thorny crown, the nail-pierced hands…
Do I understand all that it took?
So now there is no
condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to
him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin
that leads to death. The law of Moses was unable to save us because of the
weakness of our sinful nature. So God did what the law could not do. He sent
his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God
declared an end to sin’s control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for
our sins. He did this so that the just requirement of the law would be fully
satisfied for us, who no longer follow our sinful nature but instead follow the
Spirit. (Romans 8:1-4)
I fear I take His sacrifice too flippantly, coming before
His presence as if I have always belonged there, when
in truth, I am that
little bug that He allowed to come in only
by His grace.
Do I understand what brokenness in thankfulness looks like?
To be so overwhelmed by gratitude that I come, knowing that I am fully unworthy
to be before His throne and yet because of His Son’s brokenness, I am called
the daughter of a King…
I don't think that I can ever fully understand.... until one day.
{to give credit where it's due, most of these thoughts came from our Chapel speaker this morning, with just a little twist of mine thrown in... :) }
{to give credit where it's due, most of these thoughts came from our Chapel speaker this morning, with just a little twist of mine thrown in... :) }
Sunday, July 8
When I Am Overwhelmed
Although I've been posting bits and pieces of information about my time at Camp thus far, it hasn't really been personal, except for the extreme thankfulness that I feel in regard to people's prayers for our camps.
It's been exhausting, to be honest. It feels like going through diplomas, except a tad different, because you're dealing with children instead of black and white printed pieces of paper. You can't really prepare, but you still suffer from sleep deprivation.
To be honest, I didn't really know what to expect as this is my first year as a Sr. Counselor (no more moving between cabins every week. Boo yah!) And last year, I only Jr. Counseled for two weeks.
God's been teaching me so much about himself and myself, however, that I can't help but be overwhelmed with thankfulness and joy.
First of all, my dad, J and I drove up here on a Sunday, and on our way up here, we listened to a sermon by John Piper, in his Desiring God series. I'll see if I can find it later, but it had to do with the passage in John 14, where it talks about "if you love me, you will obey what I command."
If you're anything like me, you like step by step instructions on how to live your life, and this sounds like a wonderful thing. Look for God's commands, follow them, and then you're loving Him. Great, huh?
Nope.
It's been a week since I listened to the sermon, but the basis of it revolved around the fact that the commands that Jesus was talking about, were the non-specific ones, such as "follow me", "abide in me" and many others that can be found in John.
The thing is, those come after loving Jesus. Not before. They come as a result, not as a prelude.
Loving Jesus isn't following His commands, as radical as that sounds. I'm sorry if this makes no sense, but hopefully I'll be able to link to the sermon once I can get back to reliable internet. Loving Jesus is desiring, wanting, craving Him. And once we are doing that, we automatically begin fulfilling His commands. Because we find him lovely to be with, we're fulfilling the "abide in me" command. There are many more examples, but they aren't coming to mind.
Through everything that's happened so far, God's been impressing into me the importance of love. Of His love. Of my love for others. And most importantly, how the whole Gospel revolves around love. I need to make sure that they understand His love most of all, both through my actions and my words. That the kids grasp the fact that it is because He loved them so much that we have the chance to be saved.
How amazing is that? How utterly incomprehensible that the God of the universe finds us so desirable that He would kill His only Son to make us forever His?
It's as if He's making John 3:16 come alive to me.
Suffice it to say, I'm learning about love. A lot about love. And it's amazing stuff.
But He also overwhelms with His provision and timing. Long story short, I brought a music dock to Camp to play music from and to use as an alarm clock. When I got here, it wouldn't work. Now, it's never not (double negatives, I'm sorry) worked for me before, and I tried everything from changing batteries to unplugging and plugging it back in numerous times. Something was wrong with it.
And I was frustrated. The amazing thing is that I had brought my computer. I hadn't been sure whether or not I should bring it, but it's come in handy numerous times for both me and others. So I was glad that I could still play music off of it (really comes in handy when you depend on turning on Kenny G {sax music} to put your campers to sleep).
This morning, I was preparing for the next set of campers that are coming tonight, and I tried to get it working again. I had vented my frustration to God, I had prayed over it, I had tried so hard.
I unplugged it, walked with it to another cabin to see if maybe they could help me fix it. I get there, explain the problem, take out the batteries, and then notice that it's actually stopped working, which means that it is working (explanation: every time I would take the batteries out before {even when it was unplugged}, it would still keep on blinking... not sure what was going on there).
I was so unbelievably happy as I set it to the correct time and date. I don't know why He caused it to work so late, but I'm so glad that it is working, and I'm overwhelmed by His timing. He is SO good.
My summer is only starting, but already, I've gotten a sunburn, kissed a puppet, and learned a lot about God. I hope your summer is shaping up to equally excellent! :)
It's been exhausting, to be honest. It feels like going through diplomas, except a tad different, because you're dealing with children instead of black and white printed pieces of paper. You can't really prepare, but you still suffer from sleep deprivation.
To be honest, I didn't really know what to expect as this is my first year as a Sr. Counselor (no more moving between cabins every week. Boo yah!) And last year, I only Jr. Counseled for two weeks.
God's been teaching me so much about himself and myself, however, that I can't help but be overwhelmed with thankfulness and joy.
First of all, my dad, J and I drove up here on a Sunday, and on our way up here, we listened to a sermon by John Piper, in his Desiring God series. I'll see if I can find it later, but it had to do with the passage in John 14, where it talks about "if you love me, you will obey what I command."
If you're anything like me, you like step by step instructions on how to live your life, and this sounds like a wonderful thing. Look for God's commands, follow them, and then you're loving Him. Great, huh?
Nope.
It's been a week since I listened to the sermon, but the basis of it revolved around the fact that the commands that Jesus was talking about, were the non-specific ones, such as "follow me", "abide in me" and many others that can be found in John.
The thing is, those come after loving Jesus. Not before. They come as a result, not as a prelude.
Loving Jesus isn't following His commands, as radical as that sounds. I'm sorry if this makes no sense, but hopefully I'll be able to link to the sermon once I can get back to reliable internet. Loving Jesus is desiring, wanting, craving Him. And once we are doing that, we automatically begin fulfilling His commands. Because we find him lovely to be with, we're fulfilling the "abide in me" command. There are many more examples, but they aren't coming to mind.
Through everything that's happened so far, God's been impressing into me the importance of love. Of His love. Of my love for others. And most importantly, how the whole Gospel revolves around love. I need to make sure that they understand His love most of all, both through my actions and my words. That the kids grasp the fact that it is because He loved them so much that we have the chance to be saved.
How amazing is that? How utterly incomprehensible that the God of the universe finds us so desirable that He would kill His only Son to make us forever His?
It's as if He's making John 3:16 come alive to me.
Suffice it to say, I'm learning about love. A lot about love. And it's amazing stuff.
But He also overwhelms with His provision and timing. Long story short, I brought a music dock to Camp to play music from and to use as an alarm clock. When I got here, it wouldn't work. Now, it's never not (double negatives, I'm sorry) worked for me before, and I tried everything from changing batteries to unplugging and plugging it back in numerous times. Something was wrong with it.
And I was frustrated. The amazing thing is that I had brought my computer. I hadn't been sure whether or not I should bring it, but it's come in handy numerous times for both me and others. So I was glad that I could still play music off of it (really comes in handy when you depend on turning on Kenny G {sax music} to put your campers to sleep).
This morning, I was preparing for the next set of campers that are coming tonight, and I tried to get it working again. I had vented my frustration to God, I had prayed over it, I had tried so hard.
I unplugged it, walked with it to another cabin to see if maybe they could help me fix it. I get there, explain the problem, take out the batteries, and then notice that it's actually stopped working, which means that it is working (explanation: every time I would take the batteries out before {even when it was unplugged}, it would still keep on blinking... not sure what was going on there).
I was so unbelievably happy as I set it to the correct time and date. I don't know why He caused it to work so late, but I'm so glad that it is working, and I'm overwhelmed by His timing. He is SO good.
My summer is only starting, but already, I've gotten a sunburn, kissed a puppet, and learned a lot about God. I hope your summer is shaping up to equally excellent! :)
Saturday, May 5
In Brokenness
Life has been very busy the last few weeks with fine arts events like no one's business. Having them all stacked up together makes for a very tired and sick existence that wants to settle around its own misfortunes.
And having all of these things happening: waking up, eating breakfast, heading out, not seeing family all day, going to bed late, getting tired of the same licks of music and chromatic runs, and being stressed...
It all culminates into a mindset of "I just want to get through today, just want to not be sick, I want to do my best but not give my absolute best effort, I just. want. to. sleep."
Through it all, He's been pushed to the side, and the very fact that this has happened has got me wondering. If He's pushed to the side when my life is the hardest, then I'm treating Him more as a hobby/when-I-have-time-to-concentrate event.
He doesn't demand perfection, although He helps me pursue it, because He knows how sinful and weak I am. But I feel as if only when I'm clean, caught up, confessed, and other-wise confident in myself that I am able to draw near to Him.
It should be the very opposite. I should find my closest moments to Him when any facade that I was perpetrating cracks and comes raining down , letting Him seep into the parts of me that are broken, bruised, and wounded.
In summary: I still think that I can do it alone.
And I know that I can't, but it's so easy to slip into the routine of doing devotions in the morning, praying before meals, even praising Him for His creation as I bike and walk around town during the day. The thing is, He's something that I can turn on and off.
But at the same time, He isn't.
And a couple of days ago, I broke. I had been sitting at my computer for over three hours, doing absolutely nothing. Sure, there was homework that was due in the future, so there was nothing that I really had to do, but this has happened so often.
And I have taken steps to prevent it from happening, because I know that it is a trap that I so easily fall into, misusing the precious time that He has granted me.
I have often prided myself in the ability that I have to shake things. To say "I need to do this, so I will, no matter how much I don't want to" as if I have an overdrive function inside of me.
But these last few months, that work ethic has gone down the drain and I have succumbed to mediocrity in a lot of areas of my life. I have procrastinated to the extreme in homework, I have ceased to actively catch up on things that I am behind on, I have made my feelings and wants more important than what needs to get done.
All that to say, I was furious at myself for wasting that much time on the computer. An unreasonable fury, perhaps, but fury none the less. And the thing that I hated the most was that He was there, not gloating, but waiting until I realized that I couldn't do it on my own.
I like independence so much! My pride comes back to bite me as He opens up arms wide and I hesitate because I don't want to give up control of my life.
That's what it's all about: who is going to rule in my life? Who is going to rule in yours?
It's so easy to make a commitment, but so hard to stick to it.
And as I hesitated, I realized just how stupid I was being, how dumb it was to hesitate before the love of one who died on a cross so that this very hatred of myself, and guilt at my sin could be erased.
So I ran. Straight into arms that can not, and never will, fail, who held me tight as I sat on my bed and wept, as I realized that my search for Him is far from over and there's so much more to be seen.
I haven't been seeking very well. Most definitely not wholeheartedly. And I haven't been finding. But I want to start doing so, more actively than ever, right now. Not tomorrow, not the day after, not even in another hour. Right now.
And He cheers me on, and I begin, knowing that I will fall, that I am not perfect, but that I am loved, and that He knows me for who He created me to be.
And words inspired eons ago give encouragement:
indeed, if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,
and if you look for it as for silver
and if you look for it as for hidden treasure
then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God
For the LORD gives wisdom;
from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
~Proverbs 2:3-6 (NIV)
I will find Him... not by my own strength or will, but because He desires to be found and because of the fact that we're on a journey together.
A journey of dependence, of weakness..... and of brokenness.
And having all of these things happening: waking up, eating breakfast, heading out, not seeing family all day, going to bed late, getting tired of the same licks of music and chromatic runs, and being stressed...
It all culminates into a mindset of "I just want to get through today, just want to not be sick, I want to do my best but not give my absolute best effort, I just. want. to. sleep."
Through it all, He's been pushed to the side, and the very fact that this has happened has got me wondering. If He's pushed to the side when my life is the hardest, then I'm treating Him more as a hobby/when-I-have-time-to-concentrate event.
He doesn't demand perfection, although He helps me pursue it, because He knows how sinful and weak I am. But I feel as if only when I'm clean, caught up, confessed, and other-wise confident in myself that I am able to draw near to Him.
It should be the very opposite. I should find my closest moments to Him when any facade that I was perpetrating cracks and comes raining down , letting Him seep into the parts of me that are broken, bruised, and wounded.
In summary: I still think that I can do it alone.
And I know that I can't, but it's so easy to slip into the routine of doing devotions in the morning, praying before meals, even praising Him for His creation as I bike and walk around town during the day. The thing is, He's something that I can turn on and off.
But at the same time, He isn't.
And a couple of days ago, I broke. I had been sitting at my computer for over three hours, doing absolutely nothing. Sure, there was homework that was due in the future, so there was nothing that I really had to do, but this has happened so often.
And I have taken steps to prevent it from happening, because I know that it is a trap that I so easily fall into, misusing the precious time that He has granted me.
I have often prided myself in the ability that I have to shake things. To say "I need to do this, so I will, no matter how much I don't want to" as if I have an overdrive function inside of me.
But these last few months, that work ethic has gone down the drain and I have succumbed to mediocrity in a lot of areas of my life. I have procrastinated to the extreme in homework, I have ceased to actively catch up on things that I am behind on, I have made my feelings and wants more important than what needs to get done.
All that to say, I was furious at myself for wasting that much time on the computer. An unreasonable fury, perhaps, but fury none the less. And the thing that I hated the most was that He was there, not gloating, but waiting until I realized that I couldn't do it on my own.
I like independence so much! My pride comes back to bite me as He opens up arms wide and I hesitate because I don't want to give up control of my life.
That's what it's all about: who is going to rule in my life? Who is going to rule in yours?
It's so easy to make a commitment, but so hard to stick to it.
And as I hesitated, I realized just how stupid I was being, how dumb it was to hesitate before the love of one who died on a cross so that this very hatred of myself, and guilt at my sin could be erased.
So I ran. Straight into arms that can not, and never will, fail, who held me tight as I sat on my bed and wept, as I realized that my search for Him is far from over and there's so much more to be seen.
I haven't been seeking very well. Most definitely not wholeheartedly. And I haven't been finding. But I want to start doing so, more actively than ever, right now. Not tomorrow, not the day after, not even in another hour. Right now.
And He cheers me on, and I begin, knowing that I will fall, that I am not perfect, but that I am loved, and that He knows me for who He created me to be.
And words inspired eons ago give encouragement:
indeed, if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,
and if you look for it as for silver
and if you look for it as for hidden treasure
then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God
For the LORD gives wisdom;
from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
~Proverbs 2:3-6 (NIV)
I will find Him... not by my own strength or will, but because He desires to be found and because of the fact that we're on a journey together.
A journey of dependence, of weakness..... and of brokenness.
Sunday, January 29
In Fantasy
They pull me in a way that other books don't.
Worlds that offer such sweet reprieve when I find that my own is either boring or cresting in a wave that longs to destroy me.
Books that offer me a look at another time and place... one that is not real.
Of future technologies, of characters that climb from the ordinary to the extraordinary.
Of being different... special.
These heroines draw me.... Vin (from Brandon Sanderson's Mistborn trilogy) and Katniss (from Suzanne Collins' Hunger Games trilogy) as well as many others.
Their very indistinctness forged into great strength from pressing circumstances. And yet... that ability was theirs before they knew it.
And as I surface from those worlds and find myself breathing in and out the normal everyday air of normal life, I sometimes regret who I am.
That I do not have those powers. That I do not seem as special as they were. That.... sad as it is to say... I do not suffer as they did, which led to prevailing.
And I wonder what my purpose is... what my divine gifting is that I am specialized to use. What good things He has placed in my life to do.
But as much as I want to seem like the heroine day in and day out... I cannot be.
I am weak, not strong. I am lazy, not purposeful.
And it doesn't always work, but my mind is drawn to those words that He says.
The ones He whispered to another who felt a need to be perfect in everything, but who needed weakness to keep him humble.
"Each time he said, 'My grace is all that you need. My power works best in weakness.'" 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NLT)
Yes, I still wish, at times, that I lived in one of the worlds encased by the covers of a book. I still wish to be "special" in that way. But I know that He has made me just the way that He wanted me to be... weaknesses and all.
And I also know that I have the power within me to be great.
Great not because of what I have done... but because of who He is.
Saturday, August 27
Ready
I waded through the Rubbermaid and boxes today. Pulling out binders, opening this package of paper, trying to find a set of dividers in the mis-matched pile. Testing my pens, getting new highlighters, unpacking what I packed at the end of last year.
Earlier this week, I went to the school to return something and as I walked down the second floor to the library, I could imagine what it would look like in a few days time. Three more days! That's all there is. People walking purposefully down the hallways, others meandering, Grade 7ers scared spitless, and new locker combos to figure out. Old teachers, new classes. More homework, more juggling.
I'm not ready. Well... not ready, ready. But getting there ready. A few weeks ago, the deadline of school coming made me panic as my bank account stood still. I was stressed... I wanted to postpone school until I was ready. Until I felt secure. Now that the amount is steadily rising, I'm ready in that area. But in others???
I'm ready to see my friends again. Ready for routine. Ready for the extra-curricular things that make me see my friends. Ready for playing music and singing.
I'm not ready. Not ready to have homework, not ready to have stress. Not ready to worry about deadlines or having to squeeze friend time in. Not ready for making sure my priorities are where they're supposed to be. Not ready for feeling scared, big 12th Grader that I am. Not ready for asking for help to figure out my locker combo (happens almost every year), not ready to fail to meet my expectations.
But most of all, I'm not ready to not be lazy. I want to make this year so GOOD. I want to have the most meaningful relationships, I want to keep my studies up, I want to learn what He has in store for me, I want to reach out to those who hide in corners, etc. But what I really want to do... is do all the things that I haven't done in the past for fear. Because really... this is the end. I'll never have another chance, I'll never be able to say "Oh, I'll do that next year." I'm leaving this bubble in a year, and I'm not ready to have regrets.
My biggest arch enemy in this is myself. Because of who I am, many things will slip by, many opportunities will be passed by, many people will not be touched. Because I AM LAZY. I like my comfort zone... I really, really do. I like knowing what comes next, and routine is my best friend. I like to be on top of things... on the inside of things. Not on the outside.. not in the unknown. Not in that position (oh, heavens, no) where I let Him tell me what to do.
I'm not ready to be strong. And yet, am I ever? I'm only human, I reason... but that's not a reason - that's an excuse. And yet as I struggle to prepare myself and set reasonable goals for this year, the passage about Paul and the thorn in his flesh is brought to my mind.
Paul was caught up to heaven and was given visions and revelations from the Lord, but to keep him from becoming proud and boastful, he was given a thorn in his flesh, a messenger from Satan. (Christy's Personal Paraphrase).
Then, words come that shoot straight to my heart:
"Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, NLT)
Did you hear that? "My power works best in weakness", "For when I am weak, then I am strong"? All these weeks leading up to school, I've wanted to be strong. I've wanted to conquer, succeed, and be lauded. But that's not what it's really about. It's about Him. If I accomplished all these things and got praised for it, I would be filled with pride and self-centeredness.
It seems weird and backwards to pray "Lord, please make me weak," but as the days tick off until my last-ever-first-day-of-high-school starts... that's what I'm doing to get ready.
Earlier this week, I went to the school to return something and as I walked down the second floor to the library, I could imagine what it would look like in a few days time. Three more days! That's all there is. People walking purposefully down the hallways, others meandering, Grade 7ers scared spitless, and new locker combos to figure out. Old teachers, new classes. More homework, more juggling.
I'm not ready. Well... not ready, ready. But getting there ready. A few weeks ago, the deadline of school coming made me panic as my bank account stood still. I was stressed... I wanted to postpone school until I was ready. Until I felt secure. Now that the amount is steadily rising, I'm ready in that area. But in others???
I'm ready to see my friends again. Ready for routine. Ready for the extra-curricular things that make me see my friends. Ready for playing music and singing.
I'm not ready. Not ready to have homework, not ready to have stress. Not ready to worry about deadlines or having to squeeze friend time in. Not ready for making sure my priorities are where they're supposed to be. Not ready for feeling scared, big 12th Grader that I am. Not ready for asking for help to figure out my locker combo (happens almost every year), not ready to fail to meet my expectations.
But most of all, I'm not ready to not be lazy. I want to make this year so GOOD. I want to have the most meaningful relationships, I want to keep my studies up, I want to learn what He has in store for me, I want to reach out to those who hide in corners, etc. But what I really want to do... is do all the things that I haven't done in the past for fear. Because really... this is the end. I'll never have another chance, I'll never be able to say "Oh, I'll do that next year." I'm leaving this bubble in a year, and I'm not ready to have regrets.
My biggest arch enemy in this is myself. Because of who I am, many things will slip by, many opportunities will be passed by, many people will not be touched. Because I AM LAZY. I like my comfort zone... I really, really do. I like knowing what comes next, and routine is my best friend. I like to be on top of things... on the inside of things. Not on the outside.. not in the unknown. Not in that position (oh, heavens, no) where I let Him tell me what to do.
I'm not ready to be strong. And yet, am I ever? I'm only human, I reason... but that's not a reason - that's an excuse. And yet as I struggle to prepare myself and set reasonable goals for this year, the passage about Paul and the thorn in his flesh is brought to my mind.
Paul was caught up to heaven and was given visions and revelations from the Lord, but to keep him from becoming proud and boastful, he was given a thorn in his flesh, a messenger from Satan. (Christy's Personal Paraphrase).
Then, words come that shoot straight to my heart:
"Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, NLT)
Did you hear that? "My power works best in weakness", "For when I am weak, then I am strong"? All these weeks leading up to school, I've wanted to be strong. I've wanted to conquer, succeed, and be lauded. But that's not what it's really about. It's about Him. If I accomplished all these things and got praised for it, I would be filled with pride and self-centeredness.
It seems weird and backwards to pray "Lord, please make me weak," but as the days tick off until my last-ever-first-day-of-high-school starts... that's what I'm doing to get ready.
Sunday, July 10
Expectation
As I leave in the slightly early morning hours of this beautiful Sunday, many emotions trample through my heart. Heading off to camp is an exciting prospect and one I look forward to with joy. But this year, I'm not only a camper...I'm a counselor. If only a Jr. the slight nervousness I feel is not all that unexpected. That God could be directing specific kids to me during the next two weeks and that I could have an impact if I try (whether bad or good) is scary.
Yet He is full of grace and He will guide. It's the resting in that promise that's the hard part. As I leave I want to make sure that my arsenal is full, that I'll know answers, and that I will put myself out there. But it's hard to break old habits. I want to hide behind the high, thick walls of my comfort zone and to stay warm and content back there. But He calls me to more. The life He has called me to means that I should never stay in my comfort zone, and that when I sense it coming, I need to take another big giant step out into the wild unknown.
So, it's with trepidation, fear, trembling.. and yet with a very high, joyful sense of expectation that I embark on this journey. I may not know all the answers, but that will draw some very near. I may not always say what He wants me to, or take the initiative. But it's almost impossible for me to have zero impact... so I go, trusting that resting in His promises will pull me through.
Yet He is full of grace and He will guide. It's the resting in that promise that's the hard part. As I leave I want to make sure that my arsenal is full, that I'll know answers, and that I will put myself out there. But it's hard to break old habits. I want to hide behind the high, thick walls of my comfort zone and to stay warm and content back there. But He calls me to more. The life He has called me to means that I should never stay in my comfort zone, and that when I sense it coming, I need to take another big giant step out into the wild unknown.
So, it's with trepidation, fear, trembling.. and yet with a very high, joyful sense of expectation that I embark on this journey. I may not know all the answers, but that will draw some very near. I may not always say what He wants me to, or take the initiative. But it's almost impossible for me to have zero impact... so I go, trusting that resting in His promises will pull me through.
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