In A New Year

I struggle with what to write, trying to sum up the feeling of anticipation and yet the vacuous waiting for yet another day to come. It's just another day, and yet it's more.

Symbolism of freedom in His new mercies every morning. It shouldn't just be today that I feel an unblemished scroll laid out ahead of me, waiting to be filled with my thoughts, my actions, my dreams.

Everyday is new in His eyes.

And I can't do it... I just can't.

There is so much I aspire to be, so much that I wish I could change about myself in just the snapping of fingers or the twinkle of an eye. So many habits I wish that I could initiate and keep up. So many words that need to be tempered with a kind spirit that I find so lacking in myself. So many things that shouldn't enter my ears, my eyes, my thoughts. So much that I long to change, and yet I know from this past year that I. can't. do. it.

But you wanna know the biggest thing that I learned about God this past year?

He. is.

He is the great I AM. The One who can take every crummy, gross corner of my life, and somehow shape me in a truer form of His Son.

I can't make myself new. He can. And I'm still learning how to lay it all down at His feet and to come to the place of battle and yet stop and hand everything over to Him and say, "It's all yours."

He called me last year to seek after Him. And as I look over some of my past posts, it's crazy how He's revealed Himself more fully in my life.

And this year?

The seeking doesn't end:

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Matthew 6:33 (NLT)

But more than that, He calls me to delight myself in Him:

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires." Psalm 37:4 (NLT)

And as I look outside on this day like every other day and yet the first in this new year of 2013, I can't believe that He delights in me:

"The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand." Psalm 37:23-24 (NLT)

He, the Lord of all creation, delights in me. In me! In watching me go through every day, and seeing my little quirks, smiling at the way that He made me. And I long to learn what it means to delight in Him. The One who is the ultimate delight. To laugh because of His goodness and to just feel that overwhelming joy that can be found in being in His presence in complete brokenness and openness. To go throughout each day, longing to know more of Him and to be found fully in Him, to be in His presence and to never want to leave.

And I've never been a big fan of New Year's resolutions, maybe as a result of their oft-proclaimed tendency to fall flat on their faces. But as I start this year, there are things that I want to focus on, things that I feel I will be drawing myself back to constantly:

~let God define who I am. Too easily, I let society or even myself, tell me that, oh, you can't do that, because you're an introvert, or, who do you think you are? beloved, beautiful? psshh... no. or you've failed at that before, who are you to think that you can succeed this time, and so much more. Yes, I have been made with specific traits, and yet they are to be used for His glory and never as a shield for stepping out of my comfort zone.

~live with purposeful relationships and actions. Once again, it is so easy to let the everyday slip by, and sometimes I find myself with my head on my pillow at the end of the day wondering what I really accomplished in the light of eternity. And this is linked to the statement up above, and 2 Timothy 1:7 comes to mind. For God has not given [me] a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. In His power, I can answer those divine appointments He puts in my path, I can say good morning to that person I never talk to, I can increase my circle of friends, I can keep up with people from home and be willing to make things awkward for a time if that means fruit later on.

In all of this, I'll fail. I know it. It's kind of disappointing sometimes to realize that we'll never be perfect until heaven, but at the same time, it's comforting. He's not done working in my life... He's not done showing me how imperfect I am, and how perfect He is.

He's still showing me that I can't... but He can.

In My Failure

What do you do when you're on your 20-something hour of work straight (you don't care about counting anymore) (although it did include sleeping, but when you're the person locking up and listening for anything throughout the night? Still stressful.) and you've worried about this moment all week?

You pull up to the school-building-morphed-into-church in the Big Red Bike with a certain Monkey, and get inside, already trying to control the outcome by explaining things to her. There will be lots of people here you don't know. No, we're not here to get stamps. I brought some books and cereal for you to entertain yourself with. Yes, this is my church. We're not going to be giving hugs out today, okay? Just handshakes, and then, hopefully, only to people you know. 

But already, her eyes are darting everywhere, her 4-year old curiosity going crazy with all the people around her. I escort her down the hallway (code: walking with her while keeping a tight grip... you must know that this is a person who is 5 ft. tall and weighs around the same as I do) and into the gym/sanctuary. We find a seat on the bench in the back and she looks around, frantically signing "Mom" and "Dad." I know that she's looking for my parents... some reassurance in this strange crowd of people.


I see my Mom and it takes me five minutes to get Monkey to understand that I am going to go tell my mom that she wants to see her. No, I am the one going to see her. I don't want you to move, alright?  Walk away three steps and look back to see her rising. Munchkin, stay there, okay? I'll be right back. Watch, make sure she makes eye contact and signs "yes."

Walk to my mom and find understanding in her eyes, since she, too, works with my Monkey, except through the vocational shop here in town. I ask my mom if, perhaps, my family can come sit with us back here, hoping that  it will bring an element of control and peace, safety even. Then, Monkey signs that she needs to use the bathroom, and it goes downhill from there (okay, even further downhill).

I didn't bring another pull-up. Monkey doesn't even want to be here. I'm tired, and I still have 8-or-so hours to go.

What do you do when you're leaning against that door in the women's washroom in the church as she sits on the toilet signing to you, and all you can do is hang your head and allow yourself a brief cry? What do you do?

It wasn't her fault. It was mine.

I had worried about her and church in the week leading up to this weekend alone with Monkey, but I had tried to take every precaution, pull every trick that I knew, use every word of reassurance so that it would end up right.

So that the people around me could see that I was in control.

And that's where it bit.
And it bit hard.

It was all about my pride. I wanted others to see the "good me," the one who had everything under control, who could take anything, make those split-second decisions that would ensure that it would turn out alright.

I had put my selfish desires and wants above and beyond the one who really needed me. My Monkey who needed understanding and enthusiasm from me about her abilities, even when they frustrated me. I had failed. Miserably.

But...

I don't think that it was coincidence that I read chapter three of the book Crazy Love that morning. It was titled, simply enough, Crazy Love.

And it spoke about the overwhelming love of a holy God for His children. For His child. For me.

Of His pursuit, of His longing, despite all that I am. Despite failure.

He knew me before He created me, chose to make me who I am, knowing all that I would do, the pain I would cause Him... but also maybe, okay, definitely, the joy that we would have together:

The word of the LORD came to me, saying, 'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.' (Jeremiah 1:4-5)

Think about that. Crazy, huh?


Let me quote some bits from the chapter (you really should read it for yourself {it's written by Francis Chan}):

God's next words to Jeremiah assured me that I need not fear failure:

" 'Ah, Soveriegn LORD,' I said, 'I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.'

But the LORD said to me, 'Do not say, "I am only a child." You must go to everyone I sent you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,' declares the LORD. Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, 'Now I have put my words in your mouth. See, today, I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and to tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.' " (Jeremiah 1:6-10)


When Jeremiah voices his hesitation and fear, God -- the God of the galaxies -- reaches out and touches his mouth. It's a gentle and affectionate gesture, something a loving parent would do. Through this illustration I realized that I don't have to worry about not meeting His expectations. God will ensure my success in accordance with His plan, not mine.


Next one:

The very fact that a holy, eternal, all-knowing, all-powerful, merciful, fair and just God loves you and me is nothing short of astonishing. 

The wildest part is that Jesus doesn't have to love us. His being is utterly complete and perfect, apart from humanity. He doesn't need me or you. Yet He wants us, chooses us, even considers us His inheritance (Eph. 1:18). 

That really is amazing beyond description. The holy Creator sees you as His "glorious inheritance."
The irony is that while God doesn't need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don't really want Him most of the time. He treasures us and anticipates our departure from this earth to be with Him -- and we wonder how much we have to do for Him to get by.
{first bold = italicized in the book, second bold = mine}

Last one:

The greatest good on earth is God. Period. God's one goal for us is Himself.

The Good News -- the best news in the world, in fact -- is that you can have God Himself. Do you believe that God is the greatest thing you can experience in the whole world? Do you believe that the Good News is not merely the forgiveness of sins, the guarantee that you won't go to hell, or the promise of life in heaven?

The best things in life are gifts from the One who steadfastly loves us. But an important question to ask ourselves is this: Are we in love with God or just His stuff?

Imagine how awful it would feel to have your child say to you, "I don't really love you or want your love, but I would like my allowance, please." Conversely, what a beautiful gift it is to have the one you love look you in the eye and say, "I love you. Not your beauty, your money, your family, or your car. Just you."

Can you say that to God? 

Our love for Him always come out of His love for us. Do you love this God who is everything, or do  you just love everything He gives  you? Do you really know and believe that God loves you, individually and personally and intimately? Do you see and know Him as Abba Father? 
 {all bolds = italics in the book}


Maybe none of this clicks with the story I told up above. But that day, it did. My failure + His love = nothing but love.

I am so easily distracted from making Him the main goal of my life. Graduating is coming up, diplomas are looming, preparations need to be made, life needs to simplify itself, etc. I need Him so much, but so often I push Him out for "more important things."

But everyday He's showing me that nothing matters except His love. It's what started it all, and what will carry it through.

And although I know that my heart finds it hard to love, He's constantly wooing and pursuing. Plus, He made this heart of mine, so He most definitely knows the secret entrances.

His love. My failure doesn't come anywhere close to reaching the max on that.

In the Letting Go

School is looming, and I keep chipping away at it block by block.

But as I scramble to catch up, my grades are anything but desirable, and I struggle with old habits.

Habits of letting my grades define me, because that is one area in which I can be someone... where I am known.

And it's hard to let go of that and say to Him, "If you want that...  You can have it. All of it. I'll let it go."

But there's a balance between letting go and trying my best.

For so long, school has been about excelling, about impressing others, about feeling self worth in something that I'm actually good at.

Now He calls me to seek out the people, to encourage those who need it, to reach out and start up friendships, to make a change in my attitude towards people.

And that means letting grades take the backburner.

It's hard to find my self worth in Him... although I know that I am created beautiful and gifted in His sight, but sometimes that sits in my head, but is never absorbed into my heart.

Even before heading off to Colombia, I knew that this was a problem for me.

But while there, I saw and met so many people who had followed God's passion for their lives, having given up everything that they thought was important just to find that God's plan was so much better.

Once again... I know this to be true, but it's so hard to put into practice.

I want to grab hold of what He has in my future with all of my strength and to let Him guide my every step.

It's so hard to let go.... even knowing the truth of who He is.

In the Deja Vu

As I'm packing up, stuffing things into nooks and crannies and checking my list twice, the sense of deja vu hits hard.

The very last time I was on an airplane was arriving in Calgary after flying home from Cameroon because of a medical emergency.

And it feels so wrong to be packing up and getting ready to board a flight headed somewhere other than Cameroon.

It took me awhile to get over my feelings of doubt.

Doubt that this trip will impact me in a huge way because of my past.

Doubt that I would be shocked by children scavenging in the gutters and people scraping a living off of the streets.

Doubts that I would learn to love another third world country.

Doubts that He's shown me are so unfounded and ridiculous when compared to the hugeness and awesomeness of who He is.

And I am still scared that going through this process will bring up that longing. Longing to go to my other home, to be surrounded by all the things that I hold dear.

I don't want to re-say everything I said back then... so just read it.

But He's greater than any longings or any doubts.

And I know that He will also implant in me a longing to make Colombia my home, to be able to stay and love these people with the fullest extent of my love.

And through all of this, I'm learning that my longing should be for Him, above all.

But also, for wherever place that He has called me to share His love.

And even though I have memories, I'm heading out the door to create new ones.

Please pray... and get ready for some blog posts once I get back! :)

In Fantasy

They pull me in a way that other books don't.

Worlds that offer such sweet reprieve when I find that my own is either boring or cresting in a wave that longs to destroy me.

Books that offer me a look at another time and place... one that is not real.

Of future technologies, of characters that climb from the ordinary to the extraordinary.

Of being different... special.

These heroines draw me.... Vin (from Brandon Sanderson's Mistborn trilogy) and Katniss (from Suzanne Collins' Hunger Games trilogy) as well as many others.

Their very indistinctness forged into great strength from pressing circumstances. And yet... that ability was theirs before they knew it.

And as I surface from those worlds and find myself breathing in and out the normal everyday air of normal life, I sometimes regret who I am.

That I do not have those powers. That I do not seem as special as they were. That.... sad as it is to say... I do not suffer as they did, which led to prevailing.

And I wonder what my purpose is... what my divine gifting is that I am specialized to use. What good things He has placed in my life to do.

But as much as I want to seem like the heroine day in and day out... I cannot be.

I am weak, not strong. I am lazy, not purposeful. 

And it doesn't always work, but my mind is drawn to those words that He says.

The ones He whispered to another who felt a need to be perfect in everything, but who needed weakness to keep him humble. 

"Each time he said, 'My grace is all that you need. My power works best in weakness.'" 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NLT)

Yes, I still wish, at times, that I lived in one of the worlds encased by the covers of a book. I still wish to be "special" in that way. But I know that He has made me just the way that He wanted me to be... weaknesses and all.

 And I also know that I have the power within me to be great.

Great not because of what I have done... but because of who He is.

  

In Failure

I sat on those springy chairs covered with rough blue cloth, surrounded by walls painted dark blue and scattered with stars.

Sitting on the stage was my father and in other seats were college students.

And he started speaking about failure. About failure in missions and as a missionary himself.

He spoke of the time that he laid on that concrete floor with a gun pressed to his back, while my mother and J and I huddled in the bed as men took the things that we had just had shipped to us.

Car, computers, watches, money, anything valuable.... my mother's wedding ring.

And I remembered my bleary-eyed fear. Fear that something was so wrong that my own Daddy was afraid. Fear for him.

He spoke of his loss of security for years after that, jumping awake at any sound in the night because he never knew what it might be.

He spoke about the lessons taught of God's sovereignty and power. Of protection and of a mission so strong that God would keep us there, and bring us to a place beyond fear.

He spoke of J's sickness. Of leaving when translation was at its peak. Villagers were getting excited about the Word in their own language, and everything was moving along so well.

Of thinking that the success was turning into a failure. Of how it's all about Him and never about us.

It's never about our success stories. But it's also never about our failures.

But it's all about how He works through us for His good and glory.

And if what it takes is for me to fail, to fall, to be disgraced, to suffer, to be beaten, to be filled with shame.... that's when He gets all the glory.

As I read the Word for this morning, it was there, waiting:

"Then he said to the crowd, 'If any of you wants to be my followers, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross dialy, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.' " Luke 9:23-24 (NLT)

Do I shoulder my cross daily?

Not always.

But He works wonderous things through failures, if only given to Him.

Mountains

What do mountains make you think of? Some think of desolation, despair, loneliness, and being trapped. To others, it brings happiness, joy, and freedom. So what's the difference? What makes people see them that way?

I haven't grown up around mountains, and yet they don't represent, in particular, any of the two areas up above. They represent hope, in one aspect, and yet climbing and difficulty in the other. When one talks about one's spiritual life, it's common to say that "I'm in a desert right now", or "that was a mountain top experience!" And the former is what I think of when I see a mountain... like the one below.

(Yes, taken while in Jasper.)

They're filled with the pristine, white, snowy beauty that makes them so breathtaking. And yet so very obvious are the jagged rocks and deep gullies that pit their sides.

All the above leads to this: I have my slumps.. but I have my mountains, too. So often... in fact, too often... in fact, almost always... really?... always... I praise in one, but not the other. Any guesses? Yeah. When I'm up on the top, surrounded by an elixir of joy and happiness and praise, the world seems right and perfect. When I'm down at ground level... everything seems uphill. One thing the weekend in Jasper taught me was that He is the Lord of my Mountains, no matter what kind they are. Whether they are physical or emotional barriers that I need to overcome, or if they are spiritual "highs" that make memories and bring truth to reality. I'm thankful that I don't have to wonder if this plain will stretch on forever... because He's the Lord... the Lord of my Mountains.

Shown

I've been wondering the last few days about all that I am. About how I am made, but more specifically what gifts and talents I have been given.

Written in my journal last night:
"I want to be accepted so much by those I esteem. I want to be given the nod of approval, to have kinship, to understand. But above all, I know that I have not given my 100% . I care, I try hard, but I'm too afraid of failing and discouragement - I just want to naturally understand. I want to be gifted and special."

It goes on to reconcile all the above complaining and wondering with pleasing Him utmost, but I wanted to highlight some things. One, my schooling. I want to do my best, but I easily float by and let my standards lower to those that others achieve to. But should my level of trying be decided by others and what they do? No! But it is. If I was put in a private, esteemed academy with a higher level of competition, I would try immensely harder. So why don't I? It all comes back to me being lazy. Okay, so that's established... on to number two!

I want to know what my gifts are. I want to be established and rooted and to feel fulfilled with what I do.

From this morning's journal entry:
"I want to be all that I can be, but it strikes me that yesterday's and today's writings start with the words 'I want.' And that's no way to approach any problem... You have made me with a slightly different personality than those that I love to hang out with and I'm finding the balance betwen developing that fully and not letting that be my boundaries, very hard to achieve. How do I stretch myself but still use my gifts to the fullest? How do I give 100% and give it all for you and not for me?"

I've been reading through the Purpose Driven Life recently and the chapters that I'm going through right now are about my SHAPE (an acronym for the way that I am created: Spiritual gifts, Heart, Abilities, Personality, Experience).

Put all of this together and thus starts this morning. It was Sunday, and I had gotten an e-mail earlier about some sort of youth meeting to help out with Sunday School, so I attended that. Turns out, I got to teach. Not only teach, but tell a story. And you know what? I did it well. I loved it and it came easily. It was enjoyable and stretching. See the applicability?

Other things happened too:
Helping out a little boy that didn't want to go to Sunday School. Persuading him to give it a try and then creeping out with another little boy who didn't want to go to his Sunday School. Standing next to him and introducing him to his group leader. Acting out the father in the prodigal son skit. Improvising and being an extrovert. An extrovert!

Amazing how all my fear and anxiety, my wonderings and confusions can result in this! He has clearly shown me some of the way He has before me...

Leap

I held the phone, studying the numbers on the screen. It was an easy link to something that excited me and yet scared me to my very depths. I dialed the first number and got an answering machine, which only served to dampen my spirits even more. Closing my eyes, I talked: Oh, Father.. is this of You? Do you want me to do this? I'm so, so, so incredibly scared. Of what, I'm not really sure. Failure? Hurt pride? Help me! Finally, encouraging myself with thoughts like All she can say is no, and It doesn't hurt to try... I leaped.

Immediately when she picked up, I was scared. But her breezy, "Hello... what can I do for you?" made opening the conversation easier.

"Umm... I was talking to a friend while helping out at Nursery and she said that you might have some aide work for me to do...", etc. And that's where it all came together. She was enthusiastic, she had needed someone badly, and now was just perfect. We arranged a meeting time and as soon as I put down the phone, I was doing a major happy dance along with the words "Hallelujah, grace like rain!"

The meeting was okay. Wasn't easy-breezy, but that's not the way I expected it to be (although I hoped). There were no complaints, just a totally new playing field that I had never had to deal with before. A new person to love, a new place to get to know. I find it incredibly special that I have gotten to work with some of the ones that He holds close to His heart. I see a constant reflection of Him, His ways, and all that He is, in them. They have hearts like a child, and I pray that I might become like them.

I am still scared. Scared to my core. Scared of what might happen; what will happen. Scared of not doing enough.. of not fulfilling all that I know I am capable of... of not giving and loving with all that I am. Scared of not letting Him work His way in me in this situation.

And yet, I am so ecstatic! The way that He has provided.. filling up this week with things to occupy, challenge and provide me. I love that He loves to surprise and delight me. He loves to finish off with a bang... especially when I trust Him (or attempt to).

P.S. Since she has other aides with similar names to mine, guess what I get called? Rose!!! :D

Struggling

I have so many doubts... so many fears. I wish I lived in a bubble sometimes, not having to care about anything but what to do next. But what is life but the adventure of living, surviving, getting through? With only a few weeks left until school starts, I'm struggling with how He provides. I knew that He wanted to me go to Colombia.. but now? It seems like money is trickling in. Where's the line between trusting and trying? For putting myself out there?

And yet, another struggle. One that will last just as long. How important is He to me? How much do I value His holiness? A few friends asked me the other day to participate in an event with them, and I was surprised, but very happy. And then comes the news... it takes place on a Sunday. Questions immediately fill my mind. Why is the Sabbath holy anyway? What is it about it that I shouldn't do a race on it? Talking to my parents, getting their views.. it's all so confusing but something that I need to determine for myself. What is my stance on Sundays? As a family, we try to not go out to places to eat, and instead stay home and rest, maybe do some family things. As kids, we're not "allowed" to do homework. It's not a law, but something that we try and do to honor Him and to give ourselves a rest.

But what about me? Personally? It's so much easier when it's someone else holding a law or line above your head instead of yourself. Because then you start to wiggle, question, try to squirm around it, put it off until next time, so that eventually, it's not effective at all anymore. This issue about Sunday and what my views about how I personally am going to respect it .... is causing me to struggle. Because I want to be with my friends sooo badly. And yet I recognize that He may want something different from me. Would I be willing to give up spending time with my friends if it means keeping the Sabbath holy? How important is He to me?

As I start to do a topical study on it, just with the small concordance my Bible has in the back, certain words are brought up again and again. Holy... honor... rest... Where do they all come together? Ultimately, it's a fight between me doing what I want, or the possibility of Him asking me to do what I don't want. This is what it means to follow Him: laying down myself, knowing that He is better.

And yet, to find peace in whatever decision that He brings. To stand firm and to not sway. To find the line between "if I do this... but, this..." and working something out. I sit here, struggling... knowing that He knows.

Scared

As I come back to this life... what used to be my normal, I find it hard to shift gears and fit back into the mold. For I have been molded by a Hand strongly for three weeks, and now the mold doesn't fit just right any more. He's pushed me out of my comfort zone, so much so that I found myself being an extrovert some of the time. But He doesn't change who I am, instead, what I am capable of doing, and what He expects of me. I heard a saying on the last night of Camp at the fireside.
"He doesn't call the qualify; He qualifies the called." It hit me hard, right in the face of all that I had feared coming to Camp. Would I be compassionate enough? Would I reach out? Would I let Him work instead of me? All of these came to pass and I see glimpses of a Plan greater than anything that I am.
And yet, with all that has changed. With new sights, new vision, new presence, new nearness, comes that pivotal point when something needs to bend. Will it be me or the way that I used to live? Will I succumb, or will He overcome?
And that's why I'm scared. Scared that all these lessons will become useless.. that I will slip little by little back into what I used to be.
But, and thank Him for the buts, He will never leave his project unfinished. And so I search my soul, my views, my actions to see what needs to changed so that my life can be affected by all that has happened... that in the end, perfect love will cast out all that fear. Then, scared will be no more.

Expectation

As I leave in the slightly early morning hours of this beautiful Sunday, many emotions trample through my heart. Heading off to camp is an exciting prospect and one I look forward to with joy. But this year, I'm not only a camper...I'm a counselor. If only a Jr. the slight nervousness I feel is not all that unexpected. That God could be directing specific kids to me during the next two weeks and that I could have an impact if I try (whether bad or good) is scary.

Yet He is full of grace and He will guide. It's the resting in that promise that's the hard part. As I leave I want to make sure that my arsenal is full, that I'll know answers, and that I will put myself out there. But it's hard to break old habits. I want to hide behind the high, thick walls of my comfort zone and to stay warm and content back there. But He calls me to more. The life He has called me to means that I should never stay in my comfort zone, and that when I sense it coming, I need to take another big giant step out into the wild unknown.

So, it's with trepidation, fear, trembling.. and yet with a very high, joyful sense of expectation that I embark on this journey. I may not know all the answers, but that will draw some very near. I may not always say what He wants me to, or take the initiative. But it's almost impossible for me to have zero impact... so I go, trusting that resting in His promises will pull me through.

Provision

And yet...

When I face my fear one last time, determined to just feel nothing and get it done with... He provides in wondrous ways. It's as if He's been sitting there, going through my fear with me, but all the while knowing what's on the other side. And because of that knowledge, He smiles oh, so gently down at me and gives me enough courage to face it.

He provides in ways that are beyond my comprehension. As I received the thumbs up to go to Colombia, inside of me I was dancing with joy and excitement and my smile just wouldn't stop. But there was that corner of my mind, that niggling, annoying, responsible side, asking me where in the world I was going to get the money. I began to fear once again, even though I knew that He had pulled through many other times in the area of finances.

Then, out of the blue it seemed, I received a phone call. Asking if I would be willing to spend a few hours a week with one of those very close to His heart, all for a larger amount of money then I would have asked for. He provided, showing me that He could prepare me for the trip by testing my patience and creativity, all the while working with my skills and giving me something that I would enjoy. He provides.

Provision given by the chance to go and counsel at Camp for a few weeks this summer. The chance to put myself out there and to learn all that He wants me to. To learn that humility is the best and that I really don't have all the answers, although I think I do.

But, above all, provision because He loves. With a love that when shown has left me gasping, dancing, whirling, wanting to never stop because it's so full of everything that I long for that when I have it, I find it hard to comprehend. A love that He gives freely, and that I don't always want to receive. Sometimes I think I'm good enough, and then He just goes and shows me otherwise.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. Not really. Only that He's so good, it blows my mind! That I will never understand in this life why He chose me and why I go around thinking I have it made and all together. That He is an awesome God... who calls me to be still and come to know Him in all that He is.

Fear

Fear...

The word that embodies everything I feel when I am exposed to be insecure and weak. It's at these times that I wonder what I'm made of. After all, if I can so easily fear, what have I learned in life? It's not as if I've conquered much if the same fear can come back time and time again to make me shrivel up and hide in a corner.

Fear. Fear of being misunderstood, of being seen as incapable, of being untalented, ungodly, a bad example, and everything else that comes with being alive. The fear that sometimes rules my thoughts, actions and words, although it shouldn't. Afraid of what might come, and yet afraid to stay the same.

And yet... what is the antithesis of fear? Most things have an immediate equal and opposite reaction word inside of our heads, and yet.. fear? Is it... could it... maybe be trust? At first glance, it makes me turn away, afraid once again. What is trust after all but the letting down of barriers, of risking all, especially to be disappointed and hurt, but to never fear again?

Because, in some ways, perfect trust casts out all fear, as the saying goes for love. To trust someone is to place in their possession the very things that I am afraid the world might see, the weaknesses, the imperfections, the mistakes. To give them the ability to hurt me in the ways that I am afraid of.

These fears that I hold, these inconsistencies that I hide, these showings of who I really am, a base, evil, sinful human being... aren't easy to share with just anyone. But who is He, but Someone? As I have been struggling to let this thing go, I think back to what has happened in the past with trust issues and find it all the same. I never give up easily, and I never turn right to Him when something comes up. It's discouraging to think that I have never once, really and truly, trusted Him to the completion of a problem.

Oh, sure, I put it into His hands, and was still for awhile, going along with life. But then, I began to murmur, complain, worry, and the stillness was broken. That solid foundation of being still and trusting all the He was and is and has done and will do was being shaken. And I was the one doing it! I grabbed the problem out of His hands, and set to trying to fix it myself, worrying when things wouldn't turn out right.

But time and time again, He's proved me wrong. As I knew He would at the very beginning. It seems that I am destined to repeat the same mistake over and over with no experience gleaned or lessons applied. For this is what life is for. It's so discouraging to think that He's working a work in me and that I'm standing in the way. What would it take for me to be completely still... to be silent... to trust? I fear too much...