Ready

I waded through the Rubbermaid and boxes today. Pulling out binders, opening this package of paper, trying to find a set of dividers in the mis-matched pile. Testing my pens, getting new highlighters, unpacking what I packed at the end of last year.

Earlier this week, I went to the school to return something and as I walked down the second floor to the library, I could imagine what it would look like in a few days time. Three more days! That's all there is. People walking purposefully down the hallways, others meandering, Grade 7ers scared spitless, and new locker combos to figure out. Old teachers, new classes. More homework, more juggling.

I'm not ready. Well... not ready, ready. But getting there ready. A few weeks ago, the deadline of school coming made me panic as my bank account stood still. I was stressed... I wanted to postpone school until I was ready. Until I felt secure. Now that the amount is steadily rising, I'm ready in that area. But in others???

I'm ready to see my friends again. Ready for routine. Ready for the extra-curricular things that make me see my friends. Ready for playing music and singing.

I'm not ready. Not ready to have homework, not ready to have stress. Not ready to worry about deadlines or having to squeeze friend time in. Not ready for making sure my priorities are where they're supposed to be. Not ready for feeling scared, big 12th Grader that I am. Not ready for asking for help to figure out my locker combo (happens almost every year), not ready to fail to meet my expectations.

But most of all, I'm not ready to not be lazy. I want to make this year so GOOD. I want to have the most meaningful relationships, I want to keep my studies up, I want to learn what He has in store for me, I want to reach out to those who hide in corners, etc. But what I really want to do... is do all the things that I haven't done in the past for fear. Because really... this is the end. I'll never have another chance, I'll never be able to say "Oh, I'll do that next year." I'm leaving this bubble in a year, and I'm not ready to have regrets.

My biggest arch enemy in this is myself. Because of who I am, many things will slip by, many opportunities will be passed by, many people will not be touched. Because I AM LAZY. I like my comfort zone... I really, really do. I like knowing what comes next, and routine is my best friend. I like to be on top of things... on the inside of things. Not on the outside.. not in the unknown. Not in that position (oh, heavens, no) where I let Him tell me what to do.

I'm not ready to be strong. And yet, am I ever? I'm only human, I reason... but that's not a reason - that's an excuse. And yet as I struggle to prepare myself and set reasonable goals for this year, the passage about Paul and the thorn in his flesh is brought to my mind.

Paul was caught up to heaven and was given visions and revelations from the Lord, but to keep him from becoming proud and boastful, he was given a thorn in his flesh, a messenger from Satan. (Christy's Personal Paraphrase).

Then, words come that shoot straight to my heart:

"Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, NLT)

Did you hear that? "My power works best in weakness", "For when I am weak, then I am strong"? All these weeks leading up to school, I've wanted to be strong. I've wanted to conquer, succeed, and be lauded. But that's not what it's really about. It's about Him. If I accomplished all these things and got praised for it, I would be filled with pride and self-centeredness.

It seems weird and backwards to pray "Lord, please make me weak," but as the days tick off until my last-ever-first-day-of-high-school starts... that's what I'm doing to get ready.

Memories

I sorted through that box today.. well, make that boxes. Those fragile, cardboard containers that held the remnants of my memories. For what is a picture, a scrap of paper? Nothing! Unless it leads you to the story behind it. That's where the memories lie. I sorted through them, taking out the unnecessary bits, that section that will grow larger as I grow older and don't really need to remember everything. It was strange to see my whole life laid out before me. Journals, pictures, baby books, school report cards, etc. So much of who I am... and yet not really. What I am is what these memories have caused me to become.. how they've shaped me... not exactly the memory themselves

Which led me to think: what memories am I making today? Am I setting aside time from my "normal" life to either document it or make it exciting? I went to see a play today.. laughed.. and made a memory. Smiled as the real (yay!) rose petals came down. Sniffed them and brought home seven of them to keep. So that I can keep on smiling as I smell them. I hope that some of the memories that others have of me are pleasant and sweet smelling. That I may be spreading His sweet fragrance wherever I go. That when I look back, my life would smile back at me and I would be left with no regrets, just with memories.

Answers

With this year of Grade 12 looming in front of me, I've had to really bring a lot of things in front of His feet and sit and listen. I want to do well academically, although I don't want my competitive nature to be able to extinguish what I do have of a social life. I want to give myself time and yet fill it with fun and fulfilling things to do. Most of all, I don't want to look back at my Grade 12 year and wish that I had done things differently.

One of the biggest decisions that I had facing me was the decision of whether or not I should be involved in Bible Quizzing this year. For all of you who have never heard of it... learn about it! I first was involved in Grade six as a rookie and have now passed on to the senior divisions. And yet, it consumes a large amount of time. Time spent memorizing verses, going over questions, getting multiple answer chapter verse reference questions down pat (now, no one but quizzers can fully understand what that means) and going over key words. It fills up an evening a week, joining together as a team and practicing. There are weekend tournaments and review nights. You need to review verses, say them three weeks in a row. Oh, and not only that, but there are levels of memory. And me being me, I want to do and be the best at something that I try, not stay where it's easier, which means more time spent memorizing and reviewing.

But, at the end of this year of Bible Quizzing, at Nakamun, I was struggling with this issue. All around me, I could see people changed by simply memorizing 45 verses in a year. And yet, there were around 30 people in Alberta who memorized every single word in the book of John. Amazing! Being around those of a similar faith and of similar commitment to putting His words into their hearts does something to you. It makes you feel safe and accepted, as well as being able to prove yourself on grounds other than academics, looks or personality. There is a community...a family even.

During the summer, my fervor waned as I realized just how much I had stacked against me. I had filled my schedule with every single course possibility that I could take and now was thinking about the time commitment it would take to make it a fun (as opposed to stressful) year. Add to that other things, say a Bible Study, maybe a job, His Singers (I hope), Band practice hours, etc... I could just see my time wasting away and the first thing that I was eager to scrap was Bible Quizzing. Why? Because, honestly, I haven't been able to hold myself up to my standards of "if I'm doing this, I'm doing this so well that others will take notice of me".. in fact, I was doing normal... unnoticeably normal. Which, obviously, was my pride speaking.

Then, comes in this morning. I had prayed, going through the things that I needed wisdom for, trying to lay them at His feet, while at the same time keeping my pinky finger curled around the edge, ready to pull it back. Then, I went to my Bible. I had just finished my daily Bible reading plan a few days ago and was searching for a passage to read. Thinking about all the things that I had to make decisions about and soon, I turned to Proverbs, which, to my mind, was the place to go if I was looking for wisdom. Starting from the beginning, I started flipping through, and something caught my eye right away. It was the subtitle above Proverbs 3, which read Trusting in the Lord. Okay, I thought, I'll give this one a shot.

And then... oh, just then, I read verse 1:

"My child, never forget the things I have taught you. Store my commands in your heart."

Guess what hit me... really, really hard. Here I was, quibbling over what I would have time for, when really, what I should have worried about was where my priorities had gone. Was I really so far gone that I was considering cutting out what might be the thing through which He taught me the most important lessons that I need to learn, such as humility, grace, patience, mercy, and more? It made me shocked at what I had been thinking, and I immediately underlined this part of the verse.

Moving on to verse 2:

"If you do this, you will live many years, and your life will be satisfying."

What had I been looking for? For fun; for fulfillment. And what was He promising here? His satisfaction.. His peace.. what more do I need? I am so glad that He gives answers when I am still...