Love

Love.

It's a concept that He's been bringing to my mind a lot recently in terms of both relationships and lifestyle.

I'm one of these people who focuses on what I can accomplish, on a checklist of ideals to finish off for a day, who gets together with people so I feel as if I've contributed enough to that relationship for awhile, so now I can slack.

But He isn't like that.

Love is not something that can be contained. Love does not slack. Love never ends.

The first time I was struck by this was during the Alumni soccer weekend, when I took some time to be alone in my dorm room and do my devos.

My own theme verse that I had chosen for myself this year in regard to soccer was Galatians 2:20:

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (ESV)

And I examined that verse, and here were was my train of thought:

-What does that look like? I am to be merely a human skin encompassing a heart, soul and mind completely devoted to God. I am His earthly reflection and I'm not doing so hot. 

-But what am I to reflect? How can I change my actions?

This lead me to think of 1 John 4:16: "God is love."

-I can focus on so many things but what is underneath is an attitude of love (which in its pure Godly form is unselfish, etc.)

Which lead me to 1 Cor. 13:

-The obvious love chapter - but I see it with a different view when I read it regarding how I'm supposed to treat others. It's not able to be faked, it's an attitude - a heart thing.

-"If I could..." 
       -"be amazing at soccer and score a ton of goals, wowing the audience and impressing my coach" but have not love - I am nothing.
       -my skills at sports really have nothing at all to do with anything, it's all about my attitude and how I treat others, God and myself

-"Love is..."
        -I fail so miserably at all of these (but that's the point isn't it?)
        -I am so often self-seeking and wanting to make myself look good, but my purpose on Earth is to make God look good (and sometimes that's done best by my failing)
      
And this love? It cannot be checklisted. It cannot be faked. It cannot be done comfortably.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable." (C.S. Lewis - The Four Loves)

I cannot love without opening myself up for hurt, heartache and pain.

But then I look at what He did.

"but God shows His great love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8, ESV)

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:3, ESV)

And I am called to do the same. To live with a selfless love that always puts others first.

Because He first loved me.

Affirming

It struck me as so weird to be going home for a "visit". To be packing with the knowledge that home wouldn't have everything that I needed if I forgot some things.

To knock on my door and get bowled over by family, to feel safe, and yet foreign all at the same time.

To balance homework with meeting with friends and getting back into the routine of  home.

But one of the biggest things that hit me about being home was the differences that I've made in my life and that really hit me when I read Philippians 2:12-13 for devos one day.

Dear friends, you always followed my instructions when I was with you. And now that I am away, it is even more important. Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him. (Philippians 2:12-13, NLT)

The biggest difference was in regard to the maturing that I have done and the differing mindset with which I face problems or situations. He has truly been fostering in me, these past few months, a growing craving to understand what life lived with Him at the center looks like. Learning how to long and desire to be in His presence and through this process He truly has been giving me the desire and power to do what pleases Him.

Not that I have it down by any stretch of the imagination, but coming home and wrestling with the temptations that I have here, the ruts that I used to fall into, and falling into some of them once more and learning how to apply what I've been learning in class to my every day life has been a really good experience.

Although I do apply it while I'm at Millar, even being at home is more "out in the world" and so seems like another step in growing.

Another thing that really hit me this week was the blessing that I realize Millar has been as I talk to people and have that oft-asked question put to me: "So, how's school going?" And as I answer with short expressions of awesomeness, or expand depending on the amount of care they actually give towards my life, about the amazing blessing these past few months have been. The community, the opportunities, the musical atmosphere, and the way that God's been moving in my life.

It's only as I'm away from that amazing place that I realize how He's been working in my life and it blows my mind. Who knows where else I could have ended up?

But because of who He is. Not because of what I've done. Because of what He's done, not because of who I am, He's placed me at Millar. And I'm so excited to see what He's got in store for me.

Redefining

Returning home has brought a lot of change. Change, neither good or bad, rather a morphing of previous views. There are so many things in my life that I have stuck into boxes, letting my life be defined by them, rather than allowing them to define my life. A few of these are definitions... Definitions such as family or home. And both of these definitions have changed.

I left Camp, surrounded by people I had come to know closely over the last five weeks. My own family came to see me and I felt a disconnect, because there were two different parts of me in one place. Two different families. And for so long, my immediate family has been my only family because of the uprooting that has happened multiple times in my life. They were the only ones that knew me well.

But I returned from a Camp full of people who I now call my family, to a town full of people that have also become my family. Part of working with my Monkey entails going to different businesses in town to get her hand stamped or other such things (at the grocery store, she gets a free cookie). Today when we went into the bakery section of the grocery store, I met up with one of my fellow graduates who is also going to same college as me. The ease with which we picked up conversation and made plans to get together and go out for coffee later on was amazing. Just to see the light in her eyes and to hear her ask how my summer went... it was amazing. Then, Monkey and I returned home from my home and after she was given her dinner, her mom and I sat down to chat. And we talked for about half an hour about how my summer had gone and what her summer had looked like. Monkey's house is like my second home, because I've had to prepare meals there, put her to bed, get her up in the morning, the whole bit. I know where everything is, and I know all the rules and in a way, her family has become my family. And I can't wait to go to church this upcoming Sunday because I know that I will experience family like nothing else there. They'll be glad to see me, they'll ask me how my summer went, they'll give me hugs, they'll care.

Also, this afternoon, I received these:

Held in the hands of a little boy wearing blue overalls. He explained that they were as a thanks for when I babysat him and his brother occasionally this past year, and that they were from his mom's garden. The gift of blue flowers. It's so simple... and yet it meant so much.

And this town as a whole has redefined another word. I don't know if I've ever really realized how truly blessed I am to call this place home. Not only do they welcome me in... they welcome my Monkey in, too. And as we pedal around town on that big red bike and the sun is shining and trees are whispering and the the grass grows green and people walk and greet and smile and say goodbye and move along... I am blessed to have this place as my home.

Then comes the time when I'm watching the Olympics and I'm cheering for the Canadian contender to win, and I stop. Since when did this country become my home? I remember when Canada was as foreign to me as Cameroon is as foreign to most of you. Where it felt like we were delving into the deep unknown (at least to me) and who knew what we were going to encounter? Cannibals? Not likely, they told me. Although, I found that the cold was just as formidable.

All joking aside, it's crazy amazing to look back and see all that God has brought me through, to this place. A place where I have multiple families and homes. A place where I feel like the future is bright, where I am finding out more and more who I am and what He has made me to be. A place where {dare I say it?} I am so thankful for the pain that has happened in the past to bring about today:

His blessings have been so good, so great, so beyond anything that I could've planned. And who I am is being daily broken, shaped, and put back together. Today, He showed me a glimpse of all that He's doing. He's been refining my heart all along the way... and redefining me.

Holy

This song has been running through my head these last couple of days, bringing truth that is hard to hold.

He is Holy.

Perfect.

But He also says:

"I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn't confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me." John 15:15 (NLT)

He is still Holy... but He's also my Friend.

Arrogance

What? Did I just write that as the title? Me... arrogant? Pshaw... never!

But I am just that. My heart is full of the dark desires that cause me to act in ways to draw others to me. To me. To ME. To what I can do, what I can accomplish, what I can provide, to what I can give. To... oh, how horrible... how much of a "Christian" I am.

There was a Bible Quizzing Tournament this past weekend. We travelled for hours, tires spinning against white roads. We arrived, and I fell into that most-comfortable-of-all embrace of fellow believers. Others who, like me, had spent multiple hours memorizing verses, or even chapters. Learning questions, key words, and where they could jump and answer the questions without a doubt.

Now, I don't prepare for Quizzing as much as I would like to. When I'm excited about it, it becomes something that I latch onto and make into a huge undertaking. But, when life seems like a more exciting alternative, it hangs over my week like a dark shadow, reminding me that I better get those verses memorized, that chapter read, those questions filled in, those chapters reviewed, those verses gone over, etc. It could become all-consuming if I let it.

And this being my last year... Even now, it's hard to say that. I've been in the wonderful program for five years... FIVE years. Years of memorizing verses, going to tournaments, meeting new friends, becoming versed in the rules of a sport that many people never know about, learning how to jump on either clicky-seats or pads, accumulating bookies and workbooks, gathering a ribbon here and there. And all for what?

I wish that I could say that the biggest effect was on my spiritual life. But it hasn't been. Up until now. Sure, it's helped me be able to memorize like a whiz, and take Bio because, hey, why not? since memorizing is so easy and all. I've never realized how arrogant I was about being involved in this sport, about my abilities.

"I'm participating in a Bible Quizzing Tournament this weekend. What are you doing? Sleeping in?"

It's one of those things that you do at first because you know that you should, or your friends are involved, or just maybe because you are a MK and everyone already expects you to do something so strange and out of the ordinary that it would be in keeping with your "unique" ness and would be an involvement in something becuase you have no sporty skills.

Plus, this being my last year, it's the last year I have to excel. To make a name for myself. To go to Great West (top 25 quizzers from Alberta go). To show that I have worth.

And that's what it comes down to, isn't it? I don't feel like I have enough worth in other things. In... Him.

I don't realize how preciously He has made me to do everything that I can do. I don't fully grasp the importance of the VERY WORD OF GOD that I am memorizing. The nuggets of truth that I'm tucking away. The lasting friendships that I could make if I stopped making my focus on how well I do, but turn that focus on to meeting and getting to know others.

And it brings me to the question: how can I do well without being arrogant? How can I excel and bring Him every single shred of glory?

I've been given such a unique opportunity, and it's sad to me now, to look back on years past and to realize all that I have failed to do in this area. I could've done so much.

And yet... I use the word "I." That word that pervades my actions, thoughts, and words. Instead of "Him."

He could've done so much. And now with realizing this, I also realize... He can still do much. Through my arrogance, through my weakness, through my failings, through  my sinful human nature, He is strong.

As I write these things, these verses that I have stored away in the past few weeks jump out at me. Words that I have spoken time and time again, but never taken to heart, sadly enough.

"Young men, in the same way, be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because 'God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time." (1 Peter 5:5+6, NIV)

And as I struggle to bring these words to fruition in my life, I'm ever so grateful for another verse.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (2 Peter 3:9, NIV)

Bliss

These past few days have been filled with friends. Other things, too, but friends above all things. It's in this year that I've purposed to spend time with friends and developing relationships more than homework, even though this year is the only one when homework has taken a serious hold of my life.

We met together, us, the three musketeers, dressed up all pretty and eating pizza and doing Chem homework. We sat around that kitchen table, scratching our heads, all the while celebrating the beautiful passing on of another year for one of us. We drove into C-city and went through Bio notes on the way. I think that one of the marks of true friendship is being able to laugh while doing the most boring things in the world, just enjoying being with each other. Stopping and walking above a street in a tunnel of rainbow, heels that hurt, tickets gotten, escalators (escalators!!) {what do you do with escalators? walk? ride?} done with, and sitting in seats, excitement tinging our voices. Pointing out this violin, and that flute. The massive choir that walked in. And then, the joyful sounds of Beethoven's Ode to Joy.

We laughed, we smiled, we absorbed, we mocked, we stifled giggles at the opportune (or should I say inopportune?) sneeze that made the whole performance memorable. Stopping at Timmy's on the way back and being the only customers in the entire store. Being dropped off and falling into bed, content to sleep and sleep. Waking up to a clock that reads an hour later than what I wish it did, scrambling to get to school, still doing well on a Bio quiz. Talking to people, making amigo 1 jump every time I mentioned the choir list being posted, trying not to fall asleep.

And then the moments of uncertainty... of a dear friend that stepped up and helped out in one of the moments when I feel the weakest. I don't like not knowing... at all. I start freaking out and feeling awkward and uncertain. Yay for people with cell phones! Driving in a pick up truck, wind going through my hair, the smell of harvest, blasting country songs accompanied by laughter. Picking camomile by the hour, spending time in a heart to heart with another dear friend. Sharing garbage bags, completing swaths, joking around with the hockey guys, laughing, finding ladybugs. Grass stained hands and shoes, water that tasted wonderful, and driving home.

The suggestion for Subway, the friends we met when we went there. The joy and the laughter, my disheveled appearance and the chocolate milk that followed. The sweet knowing that nothing can stop this moment. That is why I'm alive. That He placed me here for this moment. These moments.

It's been my very own Ode to Joy, really. It's been crazy. I'm half asleep, my clothes are all dusty with walking through fields, my homework is in my backpack, there are things to be done, sleep to be pursued, tomorrow to look forward to. But it's bliss.... pure, clear, ethereal bliss! And it's in these moments that life comes alive. Life is not made in the quiet mundane days that occupy the span of my years, but the bright, the crazy, the happiness that friends bring.

Through this all I can't help imagining how great heaven will be. Honestly, there were times today that I thought, This is as good as it gets! But then I had to stop myself, because it gets way better. He has so much in store for me, and I'm so excited!

Race

I can't believe that it's done. All my training for the team triathlon was put to use in one day, and not necessarily along with the satisfactory results I had hoped for. For those of you who know me, I tend to beat myself up a lot. For failing to meet the expectations that I set up for myself... even if they are unattainable.

There were a lot more hills than I had anticipated, and halfway seemed to take its own sweet time getting there. I almost took a detour to Jasper during part of it. But because the biking course was so far removed from the general gym where the triathlon was taking place, it was easy for me to zone out and to think that this was just another training bike ride. Which it wasn't... by any stretch of the imagination. As biker by biker announced their passing and then did so, it was easy to become discouraged. This wasn't the glorious thing that I had imagined it to be... my team mates were far away and I felt like I was doing this without any preparation before hand. It didn't help that I had never set eyes on the course before.

As I turned around and headed back, it was easier to coast, to let my muscles rest. Even though I knew that the Velcro band around my ankle was timing me, it was easy to be disillusioned by what seemed to be, instead of what really was. I was jealous... envious of those whose calves where easily twice the size of mine... and yet, I couldn't (or wouldn't) push myself harder. It's hard to know what could've been because it's in the past, but I feel as if I could've done so much better. Yet, we ended happily. We smiled and laughed and took many pictures in order to get the "right" ones. We had fun... that's what it was all about... right?

I have to remind myself to take things lightly. Especially things like this. New things that I didn't know what to expect of myself. So I lowered my expectations... as well as raising them. Lowering them for others... raising them for myself. Why? Because I'm still learning... learning that it's not all about me at all.

All this training up to the race taught me some valuable lessons. I learned some things about *hills*, most of all. But as the race got nearer and nearer, my training began to lag. I just didn't feel like going out and biking 20 km just because the day was steadily drawing nearer. I was tired, I was fatigued, and school had started. But as I was biking the real race that day, I sure wished that I had practiced a little more. That I had smoothed out my mount and dismount. That I had been eager and excited to be the best that I could be.

Does this sound familiar? Sometimes I can't help wondering how near a different, more real race day is. That day when all will end, and the final "race" will have, in a way, begun. When all my actions will have to accounted for, all my words, all my time, everything that He ever gave me. Am I training for that race even as hard as I trained for this past one?

 "Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come." 1 Timothy 4:8 (NLT)

I tried to incorporate the two. For example, Psalm 1 and 1 Corinthians 13 may sound like chapters to you, but to me, they are hills. Rather, they are the things that I could concentrate on reciting to get me over the hills... even if I absorbed nothing from them at times. But in my everyday life, am I practicing, am I realizing how real that day really is?

"Don't you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win!" 1 Corinthians 9:24 (NLT)

I am sad that this race is over... however I am not going to miss sore muscles, cramped time schedules, and wind that changes directions exactly as I reach half way and turn around.

But in no way am I done training.

Legacy

I heard about it first from my father. We were driving back  home from camp when he mentioned that there had been an accident. Then, out of nowhere, came the words "Kacy Nelson."

I didn't really know her, I'll have to admit. I smiled at her in the hallways, talked maybe once or twice, but only knew of her.

As Chapel started and the slideshow played, Kacy's mom talked and then the receiving line started, I found myself thinking hard. At first I was only full of empathy, I mean, I didn't really even have anything to remember about her. But then, as pictures of her smiling, and at Jr. and Sr. Banquet came up, tears started to come. She was so bright, so full of life. She was never down, but instead always smiling.

Soon I was sobbing, remembering what little I knew of her. I didn't know why I was crying, but the fact that this person... any person... will never be seen by the ones that they love and that have loved them is so incredibly sad. I'm just so glad that He has given us the promise that we will see them again.

People were talking, giving their condolences to the parents, crying in groups, and I wondered. How will I be remembered? When I think of funerals, mostly it's for seniors because that's the age group that the deceased was in. Even if I live to be a Grandma (which I hope to, but who knows!), what will people remember about me?

Not to take anything away from Kacy's remembrance, but being there really cemented in my mind to make the most of my time. I want to be remembered for friendships, not school work; for love, instead of legalism; for compassion, instead of cruelty; for being willing to do anything for anyone at anytime. For shining His light brightly among those that I knew and reaching out to those that I didn't.

I want so much to be accomplished in my life. And then I turn around and look at that statement and think Woah! "I want so much?" What about Him? How much more is He waiting to take and transform this little light of mine into a beacon and lighthouse of brightness. Not made so all-encompassing by my little light, but rather by His mirrors that reflect it far and wide.

I think the greatest people I have known were/are the humblest. If it's not about me (which it isn't) then I can take risks, jump off cliffs (not literally), and do things without worrying about my reputation. For what is my reputation except for Christ?

So while I mourn for the loss of another light in our school, of a continual bright smile... I try to live in such a way that I leave a legacy... of Him.

Laughter

We roll on the ground, my friend and I. Doing ridiculous things on her computer, posing for pictures, for which she ducks away. And it's while I fall asleep and listen to her talk, that I thank Him for giving me friends with whom I feel safe.

They're the ones with whom I can share anything and not feel ashamed. To be told their own worries and to see that we're all human. That nothing changes, except that we can choose to judge or to forgive and look beyond. He has blessed me in an overabundance with friends who are willing to draw me close, to forgive my lack of spontaneous calling and excursion planning. To allow me to be me, in all my originality. I only hope that I, in turn, can do the same for them.

To reach out to those whom some may say are unreachable. To push myself beyond the boundaries of my comfort zone to offer the comfort that I've been given. To see their lives changed by simply sharing what I've been given.

One of the greatest gifts that I've been given is laughter. Everyone has it... although, some need it to be unearthed. Sometimes it hides the pain, and sometimes it comes through tears, but laughter is what binds friends.

Idyllic

Summer sun, summer breeze. Best friends, babies to hold, horses to pet, water to play with. Mowing the lawn, playing my flute, reading, watching the news, listening to Odyssey and crosstiching. Dentist appointments, the library. Chores to do and siblings to relax with. Games to play, books being read out loud. Apples fallen to the ground, sweat.

All add up to a pretty relaxing day. It's nice being in charge for a few days, and yet I'm glad that it won't last for long. I miss the other half of my family! And yet, to have the mantle of responsibility lain on my shoulders for just a few days makes me realize that someday I will be independent. They'll drag me out, kicking and screaming, but someday, I won't be this involved in my family. I'll pursue my own dreams, do my own chores, make my own rules. It's nice to have a reminder to savor today.

Struggling

I have so many doubts... so many fears. I wish I lived in a bubble sometimes, not having to care about anything but what to do next. But what is life but the adventure of living, surviving, getting through? With only a few weeks left until school starts, I'm struggling with how He provides. I knew that He wanted to me go to Colombia.. but now? It seems like money is trickling in. Where's the line between trusting and trying? For putting myself out there?

And yet, another struggle. One that will last just as long. How important is He to me? How much do I value His holiness? A few friends asked me the other day to participate in an event with them, and I was surprised, but very happy. And then comes the news... it takes place on a Sunday. Questions immediately fill my mind. Why is the Sabbath holy anyway? What is it about it that I shouldn't do a race on it? Talking to my parents, getting their views.. it's all so confusing but something that I need to determine for myself. What is my stance on Sundays? As a family, we try to not go out to places to eat, and instead stay home and rest, maybe do some family things. As kids, we're not "allowed" to do homework. It's not a law, but something that we try and do to honor Him and to give ourselves a rest.

But what about me? Personally? It's so much easier when it's someone else holding a law or line above your head instead of yourself. Because then you start to wiggle, question, try to squirm around it, put it off until next time, so that eventually, it's not effective at all anymore. This issue about Sunday and what my views about how I personally am going to respect it .... is causing me to struggle. Because I want to be with my friends sooo badly. And yet I recognize that He may want something different from me. Would I be willing to give up spending time with my friends if it means keeping the Sabbath holy? How important is He to me?

As I start to do a topical study on it, just with the small concordance my Bible has in the back, certain words are brought up again and again. Holy... honor... rest... Where do they all come together? Ultimately, it's a fight between me doing what I want, or the possibility of Him asking me to do what I don't want. This is what it means to follow Him: laying down myself, knowing that He is better.

And yet, to find peace in whatever decision that He brings. To stand firm and to not sway. To find the line between "if I do this... but, this..." and working something out. I sit here, struggling... knowing that He knows.