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It’s so easy to get lost.

To get surrounded and tumbled around by the everyday petty things that cause me to worry and stress about what comes next. To take my eyes off of the One who controls the sea and instead to look at the depths that lie beneath me and to feel myself sinking, with my eyes on myself instead of on Him.

I scrabble around, looking for something to hold onto and come up empty-handed.

And I come to the disheartening conclusion that there will always be someone better at something than I am, and I will always miss out on something.

But I will gain something either way, and they spoke at church this week of rest.

Of resting in confidence of God’s sufficiency, knowing that the victory is already won.

It’s not an inactive rest, rather one that acts in the confidence that God will work. I am called to follow Him, knowing that He will provide and that I have nothing to worry about.

But so often, I make my future and my talents about my own desires instead of about His desires.

I get caught up in my life and when I come before Him, I spend my time focusing on myself and all that’s going wrong, instead of all that He’s blessed me with.

I forget to come with expectation and with eagerness to sit at His feet.

I come, wanting rest through immediate answers or a sense of peace instead of simply letting all things go and learning more of who He is and knowing that He is worthy of trust.

I forget to seek His kingdom first, although when I do so, all my needs will be supplied.

Not that I am to spend time *not* thinking about other things, but rather that every moment would have a focus on Him. 

Finals come up and it's easy to give way to rote memorization instead of heart internalization, Christmas comes and it can be turned into a family-centered holiday instead of a Christ centered one, and my identity and heart can be centered on others' expectations and thoughts instead of on the One who crafted each part.

So it's a conscious choice, and not always an easy one. It's hard to tear close of the headway that the world makes into my soul, but when I do, I find rest. 

Rest, through making Him the center of my every day, hour, moment, action, thought, word, and motive.

Challenging

Read (if okay with calling down embarrassment upon oneself, read out loud, {don't look around to see who's there... you just did, didn't you?} with dramatic intensity, as if the person you're speaking to [and... you might only want to do this if you're a girl... sorry, guys...] is acting rakishly {*sigh* look it up if you have to} and irresponsibly, and yet you want to pound truth into their heads and hope that someday they understand what you're trying to say):

A Woman’s Question
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing

Ever made by the hand above –                                       

A woman’s heart, and a woman’s life

And a woman’s wonderful love?

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing

As a child might ask for a toy –

Demanding what others have died to win,

With the reckless dash of a boy?

You have written my lesson of duty out,

Man-like you have questioned me;

Now stand at the bar of my woman’s soul

Until I shall question thee.

                                                                        

You require your mutton shall always be hot,

Your socks and shirts shall be whole;

I require your heart to be true as God’s stars,

And pure as heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef;

I require a far better thing.

A seamstress you’re wanting for stockings and shirts;

I look for a man and a king –

A king for a beautiful realm called home,

And a man that the Maker, God,

Shall look upon as he did the first,

And say, “It is very good.”

I am fair and young, but the rose will fade

From my soft, young cheek one day;

Will you love then, mid the falling leaves,

As you did mid the bloom of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and deep

I may launch my all on its tide?

A loving woman finds heaven or hell

On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things grand and true,

All things a man should be;

If you give all this, I would stake my life

To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot do this – a laundress and cook

You can hire with little to pay;

But a woman’s heart and a woman’s life

Are not to be won this way.

If you read the poem they way you were commanded, I hope you understood the conviction that something like this stirs in me. When I first read this poem, it deeply appealed to my sense of nobility and grandeur. I’m one of those girls who dreams of my own Mr. Darcy and who thinks a perfect day is a day spent wrapped in a blanket with a hot drink nearby while reading a book, or watching something like Anne of Green Gables or Jane Austen movies. I’m a romantic at heart, and I love the thought of being wooed.

And yet, there is so much I look for in a man, and as our teacher pointed out after I recited this poem yesterday in class, I can’t require it. Not many men will measure up to that standard, but there will be some with that depth of character.

But as I started my devotions yesterday, He really hit me with the lopsidedness of what I had been thinking. I am earnestly searching for this kind of man, and yet what kind of woman am I?

And I wrote in my journal:

Am I that same kind of woman as the man that I assume to look for? A woman who is full of grace and wisdom, who trusts in her Father to provide, who is chock-full of character? As much as I look for a man of integrity, compassion, honesty, depth of character and focus on You, I should doubly strive to be that woman that is fit for that man.

Those thoughts led me to immediately think of a certain psalm that I think we all know (hint: think Mother’s day literature) describing “the perfect woman.” And as I read through it, the list of characteristics grew. Virtuous, capable, trustworthy, enriching to her husband, business savvy, hardworking, compassionate, well prepared, resourceful, respected, strong, dignified, wise, kind, soul-beautiful, and most of all, possessing a fear of the Lord.

And you know what? That kind of woman described there is *just* the kind of woman that this kind of man would be interested in. But at the same time as I feel that this list in insurmountable, He shows me the ways that He’s been working on me and reminds me of the fact that He’s not done yet.

After reading that, though, the biggest thing that stuck out to me was that it was all about the heart. And that’s one of the biggest things that I’ve been learning here at Millar – that actions mean nothing if your heart is not in the right place. EVERYTHING starts with the heart. If my heart is not in the right place, if my motives are skewed, and if my mind is centered on anything except giving glory to Him, then I’m going about life all wrong.

So, the most important attribute above? Fearing the Lord. It’s the beginning of knowledge (as Proverbs 1:7 states) and it’s when I’m focused on Him that my life begins to show these characteristics. And I cannot do it on my own. But coming before Him, opening up my life, and letting Him chisel away, although it hurts, only helps in the end.

Someday, I hope that I find that man that I am looking for, and I hope that I am just the woman that he’s been looking for.

Until then, I’ll work on my heart.

In A Conversation

I got home, grabbed the family laptop and got caught up on the news of the day after a day full of rafting with my Senior class (SO much fun!). Priorities, I know, hey?

The only other one home was my sister and soon the rest of the family trickled in.

It wasn't long before my mom and dad and sister were gathered in the living room where I was on the laptop and we started talking.

I don't know about you, but family time is one of my most treasured parts of the day. We eat every meal together that we can (unless either my mom or I am working), but I grew up with my parents both "working" at home, so meals eaten together were almost a given.

Nowadays we eat breakfast together, do some devos together, eat supper together and before I go to bed, I still go say good-night to each of them. More often  than not, I end up talking for half an hour about my day, sometimes even longer.

My parents are some of the best people I know. They know me like no other. They are my friends, my mentors, the ones who laugh at me with love in their eyes, who truly understand my motives, my abilities, my passion, and yet guide me when I need it. I can't explain how much I value them...

So I explained about my rafting trip, from the puncturing of my raft (had to be mine!) to the rapids, the camaraderie, the food, the wetsuits, the jokes, the most-likely-to list, and everything else that was involved in today. Oh, and add to that my sunburn that makes me feel like Rudolph.

Then came questions about the meeting they had just been to about our school and the spiritual elements involved therein. A couple of weeks ago, my dad had brought up the fact that this meeting was soon to take place, and asked for suggestions. (By the way, kudos to N + R who represented the students there, sounds like you did a fantastic job!)

It wasn't long before my mom had to go grab a piece of paper to write down all the ideas that we bandied around, putting words to the thoughts that I've had for years. It's truly only as I'm leaving this year that I've realized just how much God has worked in and through me here at this school.

The facilities are so old that my mom can walk through it and point out the classrooms and what class she had in there and with what teacher, but the teachers are what make this school fantastic. They care about my life beyond my academic marks and rejoice more over my growth than an increase in grades.

There's so much I would love to see happen in our school, so much that I get excited about because God has great things in store for those who look to Him to fulfill His Word and in a school that would totally focus on Him for its every need and direction. Oh, it gets me so excited!!!!

I love thinking big pictures, spewing out ideas, molding them into what would work and getting excited about the impact that they would have. I LOVE it.

And we moved on to other related (and not-so-related) things, including my sister's day at school and other things such as how weakness are strengths, and how humbleness is better than bravado even when it could hurt you, how the future is a scary thing in terms of relationships and independence, how leadership is being a servant, how each one of us has our own sphere of influence and many more things.

Let's just say that I was enlightened, lifted up, felt joy, worshiped and gave thanks for a conversation like this. I'll miss conversations like this when I move to another province next year, although Skype does do wonders! Not that my family is always intellectual or debating things all the time, by any means. But having conversations in an environment where I feel so secure and valued that I can say anything and don't feel put down when some else has an opposite idea is a blessing. To pursue my passion of big pictures and ideas and brainstorming and through it all be able to praise Him.

Ai... I am blessed!

My Top Priority

Although this is almost a reiteration of the last post, there's a story to tell.

I was cleaning out my "inbox" that sits on my desk, collecting random papers and piles of things. Some papers I put in my planner, others got recycled to the family's scrap paper drawer, while others got chucked. But guess what was at the bottom of this pile of progress reports, school assignment, random notes jotted down to myself, grad pictures, etc.?

My last month's Daily Bread.

It had been missing for some time, but I had looked in all the places I thought it would be. Normally I like to read it before I go to bed or while brushing my teeth.

Does it hit you? At the bottom of the pile of my... life... I found it.

Not at the top. And it needs to be at the top. This morning I was talking for a long time with God and listening, and... being. Just sitting and thinking, meditating and being reminded, calling out and comforted. Some times I feel like I'm talking to myself, but perseverance always pays off.

I opened my Bible to Acts, wanting to hear some stories of what the apostles had done, empowered by Him, in the beginning of their ministry. And a few verses in, I found it:

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. And you will be made my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere -- in Jerusalem, throughout Judea, in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." (Acts 1:8 - NLT)


It was underlined. I had memorized it before. But it hit me with a new force.

Right now, I am a witness in Jerusalem, in my home town, right where I'm comfortable.

This summer, I'm going to be a witness in Judea, up north in my province, my area, a little bit more out of my comfort zone.

Next year, I'm a witness in Samaria, a little farther away, a "country" away, in Saskatchewan.

And the year after that, hopefully, I'm going to be a witness to the ends of the earth as I head back overseas with my family to tutor a missionary family's kids for a year.

But right now.. I am a witness here, right now. In the midst of stress and a piled on school schedule (partly the fault of my own procrastination), I am called to fulfill my duty as a witness, for Him, here, to finish it well, and not to put it in last place.

Maybe that's why I feel peace, as I sit here, blogging at 10:00 at night, having worked from right after school until 6, and then "tutored" (code: caught up with, was encouraged, had fun, and did *some* math) with a friend until 9:15, and then chatted with friends of FB and did a little bit of homework up until now.

I don't know what the balance is. But years from now, people are not going to remember my name if I receive stellar marks... they're going to remember my personality, my attitude, my witness.

What's your priority today?

Constant

It seem as if my whole life has been up and down lately, what with school wrapping up (only two more weeks left of actual class!!), projects coming due, and even my devos and prayer not happening like they should.

And today was my last day of touring with my highschool choir.

This day has been three years of hard work and busy schedules. I have learned so much about cooperation, working as a team, how to be my best but give Him the glory (still working on that one), discipling and speaking into other's lives, of learning how to get along with others when it's 11 at night and you really. want. them. to. stop. talking. so. you. can. go. to. sleep.

It's been incredible.

It hasn't hit me yet... but I don't think it will for awhile. Maybe not until I'm dressed up in that dress and ready to go to Banquet, or being handed my diploma, or even, my last day of classes.

I don't get emotional very often, but I wish I could. In my mind, becoming emotional imparts a certain sense of worth on something, because it has caused me to become emotional (that might only makes sense to those other reserved-emotionally introverts out there).

But a numbness sits over me as I contemplate this week and groan. There's so much to get done yet, but I want to do it WELL. To do it with the best in me. It feels as if all I'm giving is the last dredges of my work habit and schedule.

The thing is... He's constant. He never changes. One thing that I'm so excited about in the upcoming years is understanding more fully how my circumstances should never define how I act or who I depend on. Hopefully, it brings greater trust and dependence on Him.

School's almost over... but He's always the same (thank goodness!).

In Freedom

As I've been contemplating things to base my Senior Testimony around, and while I've been trying to include Him more and more in my everyday life, examining the motives that I have for doing things and trying to break old habits, I've realized something.

I have a unique history, some that people may not relate to. But I have gone through something that people hopefully will relate to... bondage.

For the longest time, I didn't see it for what it truly was, but it was there.

Coming back from Cameroon, with J sick and my life in upheaval, I clung to the things that I could define myself by.

They were: schoolwork, music in some ways, and God.

But schoolwork took the top. I was new at school, I was a nobody. The only thing that made school a little better was the fact that I was in the same class of people that I had been with in Grades 2 + 6, although there only a few that were still there from those grades.

The only way that I thought that I could be distinct, could be noticed, could be labelled, was by my academic marks. I could do those. Because my family was concentrating on getting J better and on the up and up, I decided not to get into any extracurricular activities and to stay around to help... and study.

And for awhile, that worked. I churned out pretty decent grades, and got labelled as the semi-smart kid, because I wasn't a genius at anything, but wasn't horrible at anything either.

And that went on for years. Until this year. It's so much easier to have an inanimate thing define who you are instead of you defining yourself.

I didn't have the courage to express all that I was, to live outside of the box I had created for myself... because, then I wouldn't feel safe.

I had defined myself by my grades for so long, that I almost didn't know what to do without it.

Grades are still important to me, but it's so easy to slip back into the being super angry and determined about getting the best marks.

They don't matter. I have to tell myself over and over. And I haven't found the balance.

But I have found freedom. Freedom to be myself, in Christ. To see myself as worthy, unique, special... important. To let myself be defined by my whole, instead of just a part.

What are you facing today? He can, and will be your all in all.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9 - NIV)


It's a promise.... you can be free. He's waiting.

In the Rain

Snow has been pervading these past few days as winter leaves behind a stamp of her possession of this Canadian land.

And a gloomy, unsatisfied, drifting feeling has accompanied that slowly trickling icing-powder-fine snow until it takes work to move beyond just existing, to really living.

But today.... today, it Rained. And Rain deserves to be capitalized. There's just something so satisfying in Rain. I heard it all the time when I was growing up, for half of the time, it's Rainy season over there, which means days of endless rain, of yelling across the supper table because of Rain pounding on a tin roof, of dressing in bathing suits and having mud fights, of making slip and slides underneath our clotheslines, and dancing around in the pure pleasure of Rain.

Now, it goes without saying that I can't do any of this anymore, at least.... I probably shouldn't. But there's still something satisfying about Rain: in hearing it, in walking while rivulets make paths down your jacket, in knowing that the world is being washed clean.

That very cleanness has been what has been missing these past few days. Piles of procrastination, listlessness, unfulfilled ambitions, and getting back to the school grind have smudged and begrimed the windows of my everyday view.

But this Rain, it brings something new. It brings hope, it brings forgiveness, it brings starting anew.

And life is so GOOD when it Rains.

When you catch yourself hugging a certain little Munchkin who is wearing a bright yellow hat with a pink flower in the middle of a sidewalk.... surrounded by Rain.

When you get home and eat spaghetti and listen to *a symphony orchestra from Congo* (which really has nothing to do with Rain, except it brings the same joy as Rain does).

When He calls you through the simplicity that Rain holds as an illustration, to let Him wash way the things you've been holding against others, Him, and yourself the past few days.

When everything's washed away, and your focus sharpens and you put things into the proper perspective and suddenly the fears diminish and the next few days don't seem as hectic, and decisions are, okay, still as hard to make, but you know how to make them...

Today... it Rained.

In His Gifts

I woke up this morning, peeling open eyelids wanting desperately to shut, starting the conversation that I've had a million times before, inside of my head.

"Would you mind if I slept in, Father? Just today. I need an extra half-an-hour. I could maybe squeeze you in at such-and-such a time. What do you say?"

But even while all of this is running through my head, I know that I should be doing the hard thing and waking up and meeting with Him, because how close I am to Him depends on me... not Him.

It depends on the amount of time I am willing to spend getting to know the Creator who formed me beautifully and for His purposes.

And as I lay there this morning, having this silent conversation, I heard noises outside.

I got up by instinct, found nothing, and went into the bathroom to wash my face and put my contacts.

While I was doing so, my sleepiness was heavy on me, but all of a sudden this well of joy washed over me.

And I breathed in, and breathed out, and it washed over and over and over me.

I almost didn't want to move, but to live in the moment of joy, of connection..... of feeling.

It was there, at my lowest, that He showed me His unfathomable, undeniable, unforgettable joy.

* * * * *

I opened the door and motioned the teacher over. Hoping not to sound too desperate, I asked, "Is there any physical way that I could get an extension on this project?"

I was so tired, I had it kinda-not-really done (in case he said no), and I was feeling no competence on any level, much less genius.

And as I tried to list off my litany of woes without whining, but to prove my point, I was so relieved when he answered, "Yes." 

Now to get it done...

* * * * *

We walked home from the Global Connections service tonight, my little Boo and I. The only ones left in the house, it had taken some persuading, dragging, and use of authority, to get her to go, but she had gone.

And as we walked home, we jumped played the "lava lines" game (in which, if you are so ignorant as to not know the rules, you start with 15 to whatever-amount-you-want-to-make of lives, and then die successive deaths when you step on the sidewalk cracks or puddles). 

We pulled each other into puddles, jumped lines, skipped down the sidewalk, and laughed.

Her laughter is an amazing thing, this one that looks so much like me. And as I start a week where I am often placed in a position of authority, it's a nice reminder that laughter and enjoyment need to be part of everyday life, instead of only rules and regulations.

And He showed me the gift of life today. The gift of feeling in every moment, of breathing in and breathing out... and being.

In These Moments

I've been so busy recently, fulfilling one thing after another, stretching myself thin.

The fog of half-awake hangs before my eyes and I find myself longing...

Longing to stop, look around.... to feel.

Life loves to make me think that I have to be the best at everything I do, and it really isn't true.

But I still believe it.

And as things to get done, people to see, schedules to coordinate, etc. whirl around my head,

I want to push it all aside for a moment, to stop, and just.... be.

Coming back from Colombia, one thing that I had purposed to do, was to do willingly that which is hard and tough.

To make my life disciplined in the small ways so that when He's ready to hand me something bigger, I'll be ready.

There are so many hard things, from getting in a shower early in the morning and waking up at the same time every morning in order to make devotions a habit, to reminding myself of what's really important in every day.

But I fail. I fall. Inevitably, I crumble.

And it's during these moments, that He has me reading Genesis12-26.

These chapters that speak of a man  who was counted as righteous because of his faith, and yet...

Yet, when he visits Egypt, his fear of the Egyptian's lust (and his doubt of God's power), causes him to pass his wife off as his sister.

8 chapters later, guess what?

He does the same thing to Abimelech, the king of Gerar.

Not only that, but guess what Isaac does when faced with the same man, and also having a beautiful wife?

THE SAME THING.

You would have thought that they would have learned their lessons, but apparently not.

And as I think these things, they roost in my heart.

Because I am just as guilty of doing easy things over and over and over and over and over and over and over (Ok, I think you get the idea)... again.

I do realize that He does call us to relax and to take a break,  but this is different.

This is turning away from what I know is right and deliberately doing what is wrong, just because it's easier.

It encourages me, though, to remember that Abraham, a man of faith, failed in similar ways to me.

What encourages me even more, though, is the God who was allowing these things, giving second chances, letting him learn a lesson, bringing him back to repentance each time.

The God who gives me second chances.

And I want to use them wisely.

The stress is pushing in, and I need to re-evaluate my priorities and more burdens are added to my shoulders.

I want to enjoy these moments, so savor them, to learn all that He has for me, to enjoy Him.

{all written when I really should've been in bed)

In the Letting Go

School is looming, and I keep chipping away at it block by block.

But as I scramble to catch up, my grades are anything but desirable, and I struggle with old habits.

Habits of letting my grades define me, because that is one area in which I can be someone... where I am known.

And it's hard to let go of that and say to Him, "If you want that...  You can have it. All of it. I'll let it go."

But there's a balance between letting go and trying my best.

For so long, school has been about excelling, about impressing others, about feeling self worth in something that I'm actually good at.

Now He calls me to seek out the people, to encourage those who need it, to reach out and start up friendships, to make a change in my attitude towards people.

And that means letting grades take the backburner.

It's hard to find my self worth in Him... although I know that I am created beautiful and gifted in His sight, but sometimes that sits in my head, but is never absorbed into my heart.

Even before heading off to Colombia, I knew that this was a problem for me.

But while there, I saw and met so many people who had followed God's passion for their lives, having given up everything that they thought was important just to find that God's plan was so much better.

Once again... I know this to be true, but it's so hard to put into practice.

I want to grab hold of what He has in my future with all of my strength and to let Him guide my every step.

It's so hard to let go.... even knowing the truth of who He is.

In the Panic

It was just hours after I had arrived home, and I had already unpacked a few souvenirs and momentos and was explaining them, when I got around to my bracelets.

One, with the colours of Colombia, a parting gift from Golden Rule, a school that we taught at for two days, and the other, of green leather, with stamps that resemble hearts.

And as I pulled up my sleeves to display them, my heart leaped.

One was there... the other was not.

The absence of the green bracelet instantly started a search through my suitcase and then through my backpack. Running through my mind was: I took it off at the hotel... in Toronto. What if it's still there? Please, please, please, please, PLEASE let it be here somewhere!

And the panic set in and I searched through my bags again, before my gem of a sister asked me if it might be in my pant's pocket. And it was!

The relief that poured through me as I pulled it out, put it on, and had it tied by someone else felt so sweet.

I had been so afraid that this memory of the trip, the person it represented, the things that it reminded me of, would be gone. Forever.

And I know that many of you are waiting for blog posts about Colombia, and I promise... they are coming.

But my first thoughts as I landed on Canadian soil were: I don't want to forget this... any of it. The amazing lessons God's taught me, the people I met, the places I went, the changes that I need to make personally, etc.

It's only been three days... but it's fading. And I want so much for it to be right here and real to me. I'm panicking that some parts will be lost forever... just like I thought that bracelet would be.

I want so desperately to have every aspect of the trip reflected in my life, but I'm scared that I will fail. Big time.

But at the same time that I feel like dreading, I know that He has accomplished some amazing things in my perspective and views through this trip... and His Word speaks to me, telling me, again and again, that it's not about me at all.

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

Through Him, my life will show changes (as long as I help out!).

Through my weakness, He is strong.

And there is no need to panic anymore.

Worthy

These last days have been hard.

Diploma exams, friends, test, assignments, conversations, appointments, sleep... they all swirl around this head that is tired of hearing it all.

And I find myself stressing. Stressing over the tiniest mistakes I make, regretting those moments during tests when I changed answers, thinking about what I could've done differently.

Becoming overly competitive and slightly hostile towards those who are trying to pursue the same thing as me... excellence.

The thing is, this excellence isn't the good kind.

This excellence is the kind that gives me the glory, the ribbons, the admiring looks, the teacher's knowing nods, the feeling that I have a significant worth in others' eyes.

And as it's been piling up on me, little grievances one upon another, and my calendar stands packed and everything surrounds... He fades.

It was when I was washing dishes late at night, listening to music that makes the mundane a majestic moment, when I heard it.

Words of laying down... of crowns placed at His feet.

Of holiness.

And as my hands paused from their work, and my elbows rested on the edges of the sink, and my eyes closed... I saw.

Saw how my days had been worthless without placing Him at the forefront.

Saw how He is the only reason I live and breathe and if I do not glorify Him in my day... it had no purpose.

And I lay them down.

Those crowns that I have been hoarding, kept in a cupboard so that I could shine them and meditate on the greatness of... myself.

Bringing them out hurt. Their glimmer seems like dirt when placed next to His feet.

But that's where they belong.

And I belong bowed there. Seeking only Him.

Finding Him... worthy.

Worthy of all the opportunities I may have to let go, worthy of all my time, energy and talents, worthy of my money, worthy of... everything that I am.

Worthy of being seeked with all of my heart.

Paths

It was a cold day, and at last I had to tell her that we couldn't take the bike.

And we stood there, surrounded by coats and hats, as I tried to make her see that the snow was deep and her mother was tired, and there was only one way.

To walk.

And it took awhile to make her see the sense in all of it. Her kindergarten brain trying to take in my logic. But she got it, she understood. And as she signed for "mother", pointed at me, and then wrapped her arms around herself, my heart melted.

She wanted to go see my mother... to hug her.

To be enveloped in the embrace of someone who's taken her in with a smile, no matter the inconvenience or the bustle. My mother... who is now just like her own. And so, as we bundled up, pulling on fleecy pants, adjusting coats, wrapping scarfs, and grabbing hats and mitts, I braced myself.

It's a long climb to my house from where hers is. She lives near main street, and I live closer to the hills. But that light in her eyes as she asked if my mother would be home, and as I answered that I didn't know, was enough. Enough to face wind that cut through layers, ice patches that required maneuvering, and walking slowly.

Because she has a limp, this loved one of mine. She shuffles as she walks, and scars trace her body from surgeries, but it only makes the walk even more an act of love.

And as we come up to that one light in town, she pulls me forward, remembering with that brilliantly exact mind of hers how to get to my house. She has a nack for remembering, for knowing exactly how to get to each of her loved one's houses, but she was following the route that we normally took on the bike, and not the one that was the easiest to walk.

And so I tugged back, trying to use my weight to my advantage, because we almost weigh the same. And she followed.... reluctantly.

She kept on pointing  to the direction that she was used to taking, the one that was known, and as we walked down a different sidewalk, she would pause and try and make me understand that we were going the wrong way. And I would calm her down, assuring her that I did really know where I was going.

And as I said those words... they reminded me of Another.

He says those same words to me these days: "Don't worry... I know where we're going."

And I pull and tug and point, saying, "I know what's best. Can't you see? This is how it's supposed to work out!"

I shuffle, I move slowly. He is capable of going so much faster than me.

But He waits... patiently.

And as she and I turned that corner and started walking up the hill that I traverse every day to school, we started going in the direction that she wanted, and she started to relax.

We finally arrived at our destination, and as I pulled off those boots, scarfs, mittens, hats, coats, sweaters, and other layers that we had put on, it was brought to my mind once again.

This year, with everyone asking what my future is looking like leaves me struggling to find peace. I squirm, feeling as if I should have a satisfactory answer, but having none. I have ideas, but I also have the distinct impression that He likes to blow those ideas out of the water with the ones that He has in store for me.

And I know that I won't understand. I'll want to take the conventional route, to do it the easy way. But I'll have to struggle, to stumble, to shuffle, to wonder why He's taking me in a direction so opposite to what I had planned.

And then I'll understand, when we finally turn that corner, and when we reach that place, wherever it may be.

But He does know my way. And I hope that I will remember... and go more willingly.

Arrogance

What? Did I just write that as the title? Me... arrogant? Pshaw... never!

But I am just that. My heart is full of the dark desires that cause me to act in ways to draw others to me. To me. To ME. To what I can do, what I can accomplish, what I can provide, to what I can give. To... oh, how horrible... how much of a "Christian" I am.

There was a Bible Quizzing Tournament this past weekend. We travelled for hours, tires spinning against white roads. We arrived, and I fell into that most-comfortable-of-all embrace of fellow believers. Others who, like me, had spent multiple hours memorizing verses, or even chapters. Learning questions, key words, and where they could jump and answer the questions without a doubt.

Now, I don't prepare for Quizzing as much as I would like to. When I'm excited about it, it becomes something that I latch onto and make into a huge undertaking. But, when life seems like a more exciting alternative, it hangs over my week like a dark shadow, reminding me that I better get those verses memorized, that chapter read, those questions filled in, those chapters reviewed, those verses gone over, etc. It could become all-consuming if I let it.

And this being my last year... Even now, it's hard to say that. I've been in the wonderful program for five years... FIVE years. Years of memorizing verses, going to tournaments, meeting new friends, becoming versed in the rules of a sport that many people never know about, learning how to jump on either clicky-seats or pads, accumulating bookies and workbooks, gathering a ribbon here and there. And all for what?

I wish that I could say that the biggest effect was on my spiritual life. But it hasn't been. Up until now. Sure, it's helped me be able to memorize like a whiz, and take Bio because, hey, why not? since memorizing is so easy and all. I've never realized how arrogant I was about being involved in this sport, about my abilities.

"I'm participating in a Bible Quizzing Tournament this weekend. What are you doing? Sleeping in?"

It's one of those things that you do at first because you know that you should, or your friends are involved, or just maybe because you are a MK and everyone already expects you to do something so strange and out of the ordinary that it would be in keeping with your "unique" ness and would be an involvement in something becuase you have no sporty skills.

Plus, this being my last year, it's the last year I have to excel. To make a name for myself. To go to Great West (top 25 quizzers from Alberta go). To show that I have worth.

And that's what it comes down to, isn't it? I don't feel like I have enough worth in other things. In... Him.

I don't realize how preciously He has made me to do everything that I can do. I don't fully grasp the importance of the VERY WORD OF GOD that I am memorizing. The nuggets of truth that I'm tucking away. The lasting friendships that I could make if I stopped making my focus on how well I do, but turn that focus on to meeting and getting to know others.

And it brings me to the question: how can I do well without being arrogant? How can I excel and bring Him every single shred of glory?

I've been given such a unique opportunity, and it's sad to me now, to look back on years past and to realize all that I have failed to do in this area. I could've done so much.

And yet... I use the word "I." That word that pervades my actions, thoughts, and words. Instead of "Him."

He could've done so much. And now with realizing this, I also realize... He can still do much. Through my arrogance, through my weakness, through my failings, through  my sinful human nature, He is strong.

As I write these things, these verses that I have stored away in the past few weeks jump out at me. Words that I have spoken time and time again, but never taken to heart, sadly enough.

"Young men, in the same way, be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because 'God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time." (1 Peter 5:5+6, NIV)

And as I struggle to bring these words to fruition in my life, I'm ever so grateful for another verse.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (2 Peter 3:9, NIV)

Crazy Peace

Oxymoronish, is it not?

These days I find myself scrambling, strings left hanging, the tapestry of my life unraveling, knots appearing here and there, other places still left intact, but threatening to start disintegrating.

I didn't think that Grade 12 would be that much of a jump. And it hasn't been. The only thing is, I was only looking at it from the academic perspective, and not from the relational or extracurricular point of view.

As I started off this year, I struggled with being *ready* to face everything that would come. Because this summer, my perspective shifted. The conscious effort required to do crazy and silly things with friends is well worth the consequences of slightly dropping marks (still trying to get that through to my over-competetive brain of mine). As I've pursued filling up hours that could be spent with doing extra homework with friends instead, I still stress. I still worry that the tapestry that I've woven up until now will come crashing down.

That the image that I've portrayed of little Ms. Perfect will fade and people will really see my inadequacies and failures. Yet, that's what I've committed to doing... to *finding myself*.

And as I take steps to put myself out there, open up my heart to wounds, listen to other's grievances, make mistakes, fail to get marks that make me feel utterly pleased, I feel peaceful.

My world is shifting, spinning, whirling on a new axis, and it's taking some time to readjust. But in experiencing the crazy, He brings peace. He knows what it feels like to have everything stripped away, He knows the end results.

And He holds my hand, giving me peace, as I cause the craziness in my life. Crazy stuff, this peace.

Cheerio!

Top o' the morning/afternoon/evening to you, Mr. R.! Glad to see that you've made it this far... (ooo... that rhymed).

To get to my portfolio, please click on the "Literacy Portfolio" page link up above, but before you go, there are some things that you should know (the rhyming is an epidemic!). Except for the items that are included, the rest of the items are through links on the web. Whenever a title is in a slightly different color, you can click on it to get to the link.

To make sure that this is apparent, I will also write the word "link" in the explanation of what you will find. Although I will mention what my item is inside of my rationale, I will also put a small parentheses statement before the rationale to let you know what the item is and how it is represented.

I think that's all... Enjoy some chocolate-chip brownies as you peruse!

~Christy

Something in the Air

I biked home from school today, pushed ever onward by the twirl of wind around me. Leaves raced along the tires, tumbling and swirling. I breathed deep and took a quick second breath. There was something different in the air. Something....

It's fallen into autumn now. I wore my sweater all day at school, and for the first time since the beginning of school I wore tennis shoes. The air was chilly, and I rode to school wishing for gloves. But it was overcast... not a sign of this bright glory to come. But on my way back it reminded me of something...

I feel so busy these days. So full of things to do, meetings to make and to maintain, things to prepare for, not to mention my "normal" life. But the "something" in the air today reminded me of days past. Days in which I could take my leisurely time and would feel like spinning among the leaves and joining their autumn dance. Days when I was young, when homework was only something rumored about by highschoolers. Days when there was a crisp, lively, vitality to life.

Memories of school days past. First day impressions, making friends you hope will last. Bringing out the winter clothes, putting summer things away. Why don't I feel that "something" every day?

Okay, enough with the rhyming, but seriously... I've kind of lost sight of the spark that is living and imagining in this downpour of homework... and I want to recapture that "something." To stop and smell the roses once in awhile... to be vibrantly alive.

Attitude

It was the weirdest sensation to work after school today. It was the first day of my life in which I so totally switched sides. Instead of being taught, I taught... and I even had to leave ten minutes early to do it! *gasp!* The problem is that after a long hard day of absorbing information (I know... tedious), I tend to crave a little "me-time." In which there is nothing inherently wrong except when I'm supposed to be serving.

It's then that my self-serving attitude turns from a though to action to sin. Because when it's all about someone else, making them feel happy and enabling them to do what they wouldn't otherwise be able to do (not to talk about God), simply put... it's not about me. I was tired, I was cranky, I twisted the day plan to fit my needs, my laziness, my unwillingness to drag her from store to store to get "kisses" on her hands. She's definitely an extrovert... and me... well, just let's just say that it depends on the *day*. And this was most assuredly not my best one.

How do I change that? How do I push beyond myself, my very core of tired, overworked, not wanting to serve... ness? I physically can't. I tried today... well, once again, here comes the lazy part applying to my initiative... but it still didn't work.

There's lots of things coming up this week. Things filling my days, requiring hours ahead of time to prepare,  homework, meetings, work, and everything else that constitutes my life at this present moment. But I need to dance in the craziness... and I find that hard when I'm caught in the sludge of selfishness. There's only One who can break me free... I'm still trying to figure out and apply exactly how that works though.

Shown

I've been wondering the last few days about all that I am. About how I am made, but more specifically what gifts and talents I have been given.

Written in my journal last night:
"I want to be accepted so much by those I esteem. I want to be given the nod of approval, to have kinship, to understand. But above all, I know that I have not given my 100% . I care, I try hard, but I'm too afraid of failing and discouragement - I just want to naturally understand. I want to be gifted and special."

It goes on to reconcile all the above complaining and wondering with pleasing Him utmost, but I wanted to highlight some things. One, my schooling. I want to do my best, but I easily float by and let my standards lower to those that others achieve to. But should my level of trying be decided by others and what they do? No! But it is. If I was put in a private, esteemed academy with a higher level of competition, I would try immensely harder. So why don't I? It all comes back to me being lazy. Okay, so that's established... on to number two!

I want to know what my gifts are. I want to be established and rooted and to feel fulfilled with what I do.

From this morning's journal entry:
"I want to be all that I can be, but it strikes me that yesterday's and today's writings start with the words 'I want.' And that's no way to approach any problem... You have made me with a slightly different personality than those that I love to hang out with and I'm finding the balance betwen developing that fully and not letting that be my boundaries, very hard to achieve. How do I stretch myself but still use my gifts to the fullest? How do I give 100% and give it all for you and not for me?"

I've been reading through the Purpose Driven Life recently and the chapters that I'm going through right now are about my SHAPE (an acronym for the way that I am created: Spiritual gifts, Heart, Abilities, Personality, Experience).

Put all of this together and thus starts this morning. It was Sunday, and I had gotten an e-mail earlier about some sort of youth meeting to help out with Sunday School, so I attended that. Turns out, I got to teach. Not only teach, but tell a story. And you know what? I did it well. I loved it and it came easily. It was enjoyable and stretching. See the applicability?

Other things happened too:
Helping out a little boy that didn't want to go to Sunday School. Persuading him to give it a try and then creeping out with another little boy who didn't want to go to his Sunday School. Standing next to him and introducing him to his group leader. Acting out the father in the prodigal son skit. Improvising and being an extrovert. An extrovert!

Amazing how all my fear and anxiety, my wonderings and confusions can result in this! He has clearly shown me some of the way He has before me...

Bliss

These past few days have been filled with friends. Other things, too, but friends above all things. It's in this year that I've purposed to spend time with friends and developing relationships more than homework, even though this year is the only one when homework has taken a serious hold of my life.

We met together, us, the three musketeers, dressed up all pretty and eating pizza and doing Chem homework. We sat around that kitchen table, scratching our heads, all the while celebrating the beautiful passing on of another year for one of us. We drove into C-city and went through Bio notes on the way. I think that one of the marks of true friendship is being able to laugh while doing the most boring things in the world, just enjoying being with each other. Stopping and walking above a street in a tunnel of rainbow, heels that hurt, tickets gotten, escalators (escalators!!) {what do you do with escalators? walk? ride?} done with, and sitting in seats, excitement tinging our voices. Pointing out this violin, and that flute. The massive choir that walked in. And then, the joyful sounds of Beethoven's Ode to Joy.

We laughed, we smiled, we absorbed, we mocked, we stifled giggles at the opportune (or should I say inopportune?) sneeze that made the whole performance memorable. Stopping at Timmy's on the way back and being the only customers in the entire store. Being dropped off and falling into bed, content to sleep and sleep. Waking up to a clock that reads an hour later than what I wish it did, scrambling to get to school, still doing well on a Bio quiz. Talking to people, making amigo 1 jump every time I mentioned the choir list being posted, trying not to fall asleep.

And then the moments of uncertainty... of a dear friend that stepped up and helped out in one of the moments when I feel the weakest. I don't like not knowing... at all. I start freaking out and feeling awkward and uncertain. Yay for people with cell phones! Driving in a pick up truck, wind going through my hair, the smell of harvest, blasting country songs accompanied by laughter. Picking camomile by the hour, spending time in a heart to heart with another dear friend. Sharing garbage bags, completing swaths, joking around with the hockey guys, laughing, finding ladybugs. Grass stained hands and shoes, water that tasted wonderful, and driving home.

The suggestion for Subway, the friends we met when we went there. The joy and the laughter, my disheveled appearance and the chocolate milk that followed. The sweet knowing that nothing can stop this moment. That is why I'm alive. That He placed me here for this moment. These moments.

It's been my very own Ode to Joy, really. It's been crazy. I'm half asleep, my clothes are all dusty with walking through fields, my homework is in my backpack, there are things to be done, sleep to be pursued, tomorrow to look forward to. But it's bliss.... pure, clear, ethereal bliss! And it's in these moments that life comes alive. Life is not made in the quiet mundane days that occupy the span of my years, but the bright, the crazy, the happiness that friends bring.

Through this all I can't help imagining how great heaven will be. Honestly, there were times today that I thought, This is as good as it gets! But then I had to stop myself, because it gets way better. He has so much in store for me, and I'm so excited!