In These Preparations

Just as soon as my floor was beginning to show signs of tidiness, the time for packing for camp arrived.

Tomorrow... tomorrow I'm at Camp. And I'll stay there for five-six weeks. And as I dashed here to there, helter-skelter, while trying to procrastinate, while also trying to get done the random chores that needed to get done before I left, I began to worry.

Being in charge of a cabin of girls different ages throughout the weeks has me scared. I want to make sure that I am adequately prepared. To make sure that I don't forget anything that might or might not be necessary. And so I frantically prepared my checklist, buried my floor in things, and crammed things into my suitcases.

A headache started to develop and as I logged out of FB for probably the fifteenth time today (best place to procrastinate, yes?), I looked out the window.

The sunset caught me by surprise. I hadn't really had time to sit down and pause today, although I did take time to fulfill my Christmas gift to Boo (taking her and a friend out to the Tea House to have tea and dessert) and go on a bike ride with my best friend.

And as I looked out on that sun streaked sky, I realized that in my rush to prepare myself in every way possible, I was missing out on the best preparation possible.... humbleness.

I had pushed aside His will for me in these upcoming wills and imposed my own. My own of impossible strength, wisdom and courage to get me through the tough times. Thinking that just purely by my will, everything will turn out just right and I will become the most successful cabin leader that ever lived.

No.

That is not the way that it should be. At all. What if He chooses to bring me to unsurmountable obstacles in order to break me, mend me and bring me through a better person? What if He puts an impossible camper in my path who causes me to lose my temper and be lost for answers in order to cause me to seek Him more passionately? What if He seems far away and I find myself scrabbling against the seemingly iron walls of feeling Him while I pray? What if?

I don't like feeling weak. And especially after all that's gone on this week with graduation, it's easy to look at myself and say, "Hey. I'm pretty great. I got all these awards. I'm a pretty sweet person, and I should be able to handle any of this pretty easily. This is going to be a breeze."

Guess what's speaking? Pride. That's what.

Instead, my words should be: "Daddy? I don't think that I can do this. But I know that you can. Would you move in me and through me, showing Your glory in what happens in these next few weeks? Help me to be ask weak as possible in order to show Your strength to the fullest. I need You. I can't do it on my own."

Please pray for me. This is going to be a constant struggle.







On another note, I may be able to blog once in awhile at Camp (on weekends), depending on internet availability or time, but don't depend on it. And those of you who just read my blog through FB, I might not be able to/have time to link it, so you can follow through either your Google, Yahoo, Twitter, or e-mail account. {I would also like you to just plain follow me, regardless of my ability to link or not. It's pretty cool to see who all is interested in what goes on in my life. Is it proud to say that I did a little happy dance when I reached double digits? ;)}

In Fantasy

They pull me in a way that other books don't.

Worlds that offer such sweet reprieve when I find that my own is either boring or cresting in a wave that longs to destroy me.

Books that offer me a look at another time and place... one that is not real.

Of future technologies, of characters that climb from the ordinary to the extraordinary.

Of being different... special.

These heroines draw me.... Vin (from Brandon Sanderson's Mistborn trilogy) and Katniss (from Suzanne Collins' Hunger Games trilogy) as well as many others.

Their very indistinctness forged into great strength from pressing circumstances. And yet... that ability was theirs before they knew it.

And as I surface from those worlds and find myself breathing in and out the normal everyday air of normal life, I sometimes regret who I am.

That I do not have those powers. That I do not seem as special as they were. That.... sad as it is to say... I do not suffer as they did, which led to prevailing.

And I wonder what my purpose is... what my divine gifting is that I am specialized to use. What good things He has placed in my life to do.

But as much as I want to seem like the heroine day in and day out... I cannot be.

I am weak, not strong. I am lazy, not purposeful. 

And it doesn't always work, but my mind is drawn to those words that He says.

The ones He whispered to another who felt a need to be perfect in everything, but who needed weakness to keep him humble. 

"Each time he said, 'My grace is all that you need. My power works best in weakness.'" 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NLT)

Yes, I still wish, at times, that I lived in one of the worlds encased by the covers of a book. I still wish to be "special" in that way. But I know that He has made me just the way that He wanted me to be... weaknesses and all.

 And I also know that I have the power within me to be great.

Great not because of what I have done... but because of who He is.

  

Willing

As school crushes in, Diplomas loom, studying seems like a nightmare and other responsibilities beg for my undivided attention... I attempt to close myself in something telephone-booth-like and emerge Superwoman. Able to do anything and everything with perfection, never getting tired, always paying attention... never procrastinating.

Instead, I find myself more often remaining inside that thing-resembling-a-telephone-booth and hiding. Hiding from all the things that I have entangled myself in and enjoy equally.

So when I read from Luke 5 and thought on it, I was hit hard.

To summarize:

"In one of the villages, Jesus met a man with an advanced case of leprosy. When the man saw Jesus,  he bowed with his face to the ground, begging to be healed. 'Lord,' he said, 'if you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean.' Jesus reached out and touched him. 'I am willing, ' he said. 'Be healed!' And instantly the leprosy disappeared."
Luke 5:12-13 (NLT)

"Some men came carrying a paralyzed man on a sleeping mat. They tried to take him inside to Jesus, but they couldn't reach him because of the crowd. So they went up tot he roof and took off some tiles. Then they lowered the sick man on his mat down into the crowd, right in front of Jesus. Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the man, 'Young man, your sins are forgiven.'"
Luke 5:18-20 (NLT)

The very first question for that day (in this book that I started working through since the changing of calendars) was this:

Compare the faith of the leper with that of the friends of the paralytic. Of what was the former uncertain? And how did the latter display their faith? What can we learn from these miracles about prayer?

Do you see?

It was all about willingness.

Those who came to Him had  to believe that He was willing. Willing to heal the hurts and forgive sins.

And I have to believe the same today.

Believe that He is willing to take my load and lighten it for me, to show me what deserves attention and when. To be my all in all. To be my Superman.

Because I am so weak.

And He is so willing.

If only I ask, coming before Him knowing that He longs to be involved in every part of my life, to take my every burden.

And this changes how I pray... I pray knowing that He is willing to do what I ask, if it is within His will, willing to heal, to answer prayers, to there.

Not that He is a vending machine, but because He is who He is and for the glory of His Name.

He has been waiting so long, so patiently, so lovingly... to help you.

Will you let Him?

Ready

I waded through the Rubbermaid and boxes today. Pulling out binders, opening this package of paper, trying to find a set of dividers in the mis-matched pile. Testing my pens, getting new highlighters, unpacking what I packed at the end of last year.

Earlier this week, I went to the school to return something and as I walked down the second floor to the library, I could imagine what it would look like in a few days time. Three more days! That's all there is. People walking purposefully down the hallways, others meandering, Grade 7ers scared spitless, and new locker combos to figure out. Old teachers, new classes. More homework, more juggling.

I'm not ready. Well... not ready, ready. But getting there ready. A few weeks ago, the deadline of school coming made me panic as my bank account stood still. I was stressed... I wanted to postpone school until I was ready. Until I felt secure. Now that the amount is steadily rising, I'm ready in that area. But in others???

I'm ready to see my friends again. Ready for routine. Ready for the extra-curricular things that make me see my friends. Ready for playing music and singing.

I'm not ready. Not ready to have homework, not ready to have stress. Not ready to worry about deadlines or having to squeeze friend time in. Not ready for making sure my priorities are where they're supposed to be. Not ready for feeling scared, big 12th Grader that I am. Not ready for asking for help to figure out my locker combo (happens almost every year), not ready to fail to meet my expectations.

But most of all, I'm not ready to not be lazy. I want to make this year so GOOD. I want to have the most meaningful relationships, I want to keep my studies up, I want to learn what He has in store for me, I want to reach out to those who hide in corners, etc. But what I really want to do... is do all the things that I haven't done in the past for fear. Because really... this is the end. I'll never have another chance, I'll never be able to say "Oh, I'll do that next year." I'm leaving this bubble in a year, and I'm not ready to have regrets.

My biggest arch enemy in this is myself. Because of who I am, many things will slip by, many opportunities will be passed by, many people will not be touched. Because I AM LAZY. I like my comfort zone... I really, really do. I like knowing what comes next, and routine is my best friend. I like to be on top of things... on the inside of things. Not on the outside.. not in the unknown. Not in that position (oh, heavens, no) where I let Him tell me what to do.

I'm not ready to be strong. And yet, am I ever? I'm only human, I reason... but that's not a reason - that's an excuse. And yet as I struggle to prepare myself and set reasonable goals for this year, the passage about Paul and the thorn in his flesh is brought to my mind.

Paul was caught up to heaven and was given visions and revelations from the Lord, but to keep him from becoming proud and boastful, he was given a thorn in his flesh, a messenger from Satan. (Christy's Personal Paraphrase).

Then, words come that shoot straight to my heart:

"Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, NLT)

Did you hear that? "My power works best in weakness", "For when I am weak, then I am strong"? All these weeks leading up to school, I've wanted to be strong. I've wanted to conquer, succeed, and be lauded. But that's not what it's really about. It's about Him. If I accomplished all these things and got praised for it, I would be filled with pride and self-centeredness.

It seems weird and backwards to pray "Lord, please make me weak," but as the days tick off until my last-ever-first-day-of-high-school starts... that's what I'm doing to get ready.

Weak

Back from camp and experiencing so very many different emotions. Another world included in that small space of sand and trees, another world that holds so many memories now. But more to come on that later. Right now, I really should go to bed.
But catching up with life after three weeks away is not something that can wait until after sleep. Many things awaited me when the van drove up. A pet, new construction in my room, the death of a classmate, various blog posts and facebook notices to slog through. And yet, to realize that what is tangible is so much better than what is online. To have lived for three weeks without touching a computer or any other technological device. What a blessing!
But to sum everything up, a free verse poem that I wrote months ago, came back again and showed me how His lessons are renewed again and again.

Weak:
This week so full of
ups and downs
has brought to light
what I should have known all along
That I am not perfect,
not by far,
and that I fail, and fall,
that I am inadequate, needy, and above all
weak
It's not a feeling I love
to take hold of
rather something that I hold in distain
I try to be perfect
to show a flawless face
but inside, it's not true
When the moment came
when I had just had enough
I looked inside and found
nothing left
That's when I heard
His triumphal shout
"Finally, we're ready to start!"
I was confused
and wondered
what did He want with
the crumbling mess
of me?
But then the answer
so clear in His Word
came to my mind
by a voice unheard
"It's only when everything's
been brought down low
that you are ready
to start to grow.
When you are strong
you feel you can face
the world unaided
but it's when you're
weak that I can shape you."
It's when I'm low
that He is high
and someday,
may He be glorified.

Fear

Fear...

The word that embodies everything I feel when I am exposed to be insecure and weak. It's at these times that I wonder what I'm made of. After all, if I can so easily fear, what have I learned in life? It's not as if I've conquered much if the same fear can come back time and time again to make me shrivel up and hide in a corner.

Fear. Fear of being misunderstood, of being seen as incapable, of being untalented, ungodly, a bad example, and everything else that comes with being alive. The fear that sometimes rules my thoughts, actions and words, although it shouldn't. Afraid of what might come, and yet afraid to stay the same.

And yet... what is the antithesis of fear? Most things have an immediate equal and opposite reaction word inside of our heads, and yet.. fear? Is it... could it... maybe be trust? At first glance, it makes me turn away, afraid once again. What is trust after all but the letting down of barriers, of risking all, especially to be disappointed and hurt, but to never fear again?

Because, in some ways, perfect trust casts out all fear, as the saying goes for love. To trust someone is to place in their possession the very things that I am afraid the world might see, the weaknesses, the imperfections, the mistakes. To give them the ability to hurt me in the ways that I am afraid of.

These fears that I hold, these inconsistencies that I hide, these showings of who I really am, a base, evil, sinful human being... aren't easy to share with just anyone. But who is He, but Someone? As I have been struggling to let this thing go, I think back to what has happened in the past with trust issues and find it all the same. I never give up easily, and I never turn right to Him when something comes up. It's discouraging to think that I have never once, really and truly, trusted Him to the completion of a problem.

Oh, sure, I put it into His hands, and was still for awhile, going along with life. But then, I began to murmur, complain, worry, and the stillness was broken. That solid foundation of being still and trusting all the He was and is and has done and will do was being shaken. And I was the one doing it! I grabbed the problem out of His hands, and set to trying to fix it myself, worrying when things wouldn't turn out right.

But time and time again, He's proved me wrong. As I knew He would at the very beginning. It seems that I am destined to repeat the same mistake over and over with no experience gleaned or lessons applied. For this is what life is for. It's so discouraging to think that He's working a work in me and that I'm standing in the way. What would it take for me to be completely still... to be silent... to trust? I fear too much...