In These Lasts

It's been forever since I've blogged, and I apologize. Life has been twirling on its pinwheel stick, never really going anywhere, but yet seeming like it's going in dizzying circles.

But in this season of lasts, as so many thing wrap up, while so many are just beginning to unfold, He is here. And as I face this summer, with a successful graduation behind me, there's only one thing running through my head. If the past few days were a slideshow, this would be the background song.

This song has permeated everything that I've felt, even though it's all bottled up inside and I haven't had time to process and think everything through. It's going to take awhile to sort through it all, to cry a bit, to make some promises, to scrapbook it all, etc.

But even as I listen to this song play as I write this, my eyes fill and shivers run up and down my back and I smile to myself. I regret to say that with all the busyness, I haven't attended to meeting with Him as much as I should have, but my relationship with Him, although strengthened by daily communion, is not defined by this  ritual. Rather, He's been here the entire time..  and right now.

He was there when I finished my last of work, when I walked out of my last diploma (Physics 30... yech!), when I stepped out onto that Willy Wonka stage in my blue dress, when I heard S speak words of love and blessing over me, when I walked up to that stage wearing my cap, when I received my diploma, when I was being bestowed with acknowledgements that were unexpected and fulfilling, when walking out of the gym with my tassel flipped to the other side, when meeting with those who love me and have watched me grow to become the person I am today, when opening the gifts and cards that they brought, when being overwhelmed with the blessings bestowed upon me, when boarding the bus with my other classmates, when go karting, paintballing, and bowling until breakfast this morning, when crashing into my bed and sleeping my day way (going to sleep tonight will be interesting), and now as I sit underneath my covers, with my room a mess, so many things to get done, and yet with weariness sitting right behind my eyeballs, with sunshine coming into my window, and now, this song playing.

Because that's all I can do. Worship His holy name. I am not perfect, but He is. And He has brought me through so much to reach this day. I am so incredibly, unbelievably, overwhelmingly, loved by a sovereign God. I am so blessed.

And it's only the end of the beginning.

Ready

I waded through the Rubbermaid and boxes today. Pulling out binders, opening this package of paper, trying to find a set of dividers in the mis-matched pile. Testing my pens, getting new highlighters, unpacking what I packed at the end of last year.

Earlier this week, I went to the school to return something and as I walked down the second floor to the library, I could imagine what it would look like in a few days time. Three more days! That's all there is. People walking purposefully down the hallways, others meandering, Grade 7ers scared spitless, and new locker combos to figure out. Old teachers, new classes. More homework, more juggling.

I'm not ready. Well... not ready, ready. But getting there ready. A few weeks ago, the deadline of school coming made me panic as my bank account stood still. I was stressed... I wanted to postpone school until I was ready. Until I felt secure. Now that the amount is steadily rising, I'm ready in that area. But in others???

I'm ready to see my friends again. Ready for routine. Ready for the extra-curricular things that make me see my friends. Ready for playing music and singing.

I'm not ready. Not ready to have homework, not ready to have stress. Not ready to worry about deadlines or having to squeeze friend time in. Not ready for making sure my priorities are where they're supposed to be. Not ready for feeling scared, big 12th Grader that I am. Not ready for asking for help to figure out my locker combo (happens almost every year), not ready to fail to meet my expectations.

But most of all, I'm not ready to not be lazy. I want to make this year so GOOD. I want to have the most meaningful relationships, I want to keep my studies up, I want to learn what He has in store for me, I want to reach out to those who hide in corners, etc. But what I really want to do... is do all the things that I haven't done in the past for fear. Because really... this is the end. I'll never have another chance, I'll never be able to say "Oh, I'll do that next year." I'm leaving this bubble in a year, and I'm not ready to have regrets.

My biggest arch enemy in this is myself. Because of who I am, many things will slip by, many opportunities will be passed by, many people will not be touched. Because I AM LAZY. I like my comfort zone... I really, really do. I like knowing what comes next, and routine is my best friend. I like to be on top of things... on the inside of things. Not on the outside.. not in the unknown. Not in that position (oh, heavens, no) where I let Him tell me what to do.

I'm not ready to be strong. And yet, am I ever? I'm only human, I reason... but that's not a reason - that's an excuse. And yet as I struggle to prepare myself and set reasonable goals for this year, the passage about Paul and the thorn in his flesh is brought to my mind.

Paul was caught up to heaven and was given visions and revelations from the Lord, but to keep him from becoming proud and boastful, he was given a thorn in his flesh, a messenger from Satan. (Christy's Personal Paraphrase).

Then, words come that shoot straight to my heart:

"Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, NLT)

Did you hear that? "My power works best in weakness", "For when I am weak, then I am strong"? All these weeks leading up to school, I've wanted to be strong. I've wanted to conquer, succeed, and be lauded. But that's not what it's really about. It's about Him. If I accomplished all these things and got praised for it, I would be filled with pride and self-centeredness.

It seems weird and backwards to pray "Lord, please make me weak," but as the days tick off until my last-ever-first-day-of-high-school starts... that's what I'm doing to get ready.

Hills

My shadowy feet move in circles. One.. two... one... two... I look up ahead of me, squinting as the sun hits my eyes. Halfway is behind me... I'm on my way home. The steady swish of bicycle tires against pavement sounds in my ears. The crickets start their song and the brown-eyed Susans nod to me from their roadside homes.

I look up ahead and groan as I see them. Four stair-cased hills, each one higher than the last. My leg muscles burn, my breath is not as deep as it was when I started out and now I face what seem to me to be mountains.

I bike over the smooth, straight road, dreading the hills up above. As I come closer, they loom even bigger and I start to pedal harder. Steadily, smoothly, watching the shadows underneath my bike tire move... keeping that white line at the side of my vision, like a living, moving, white snake that is racing along with me.

Keep your eyes on your feet,I say to myself, wondering how one hill can cause so much pain. I shift down a few gears and can't help glancing up. Ugh! I'm not even close! I bend my head down and concentrate on my feet, hoping that if I don't look, I can convince my legs that they're zooming across a level, flat plain of road with no hill in sight. It works for a little while, until I have to shift down another gear.

Looking up again, the top seems closer, and yet I steadily pedal on, just wanting it to be over... but also knowing that beyond this hill, there is another... and another...and another.

Somehow, I crest all four hills. The sign that signals 4.5 kilometers comes into sight, and there is flat road again. I try and maintain a steady pace while glancing at the watch that is timing my efforts, wanting to beat my time. There is only one hill before me, and I laugh inside of myself as I approach it, remembering how it used to daunt me.

I rise over the top and see the water tower ahead of me. Now, to most of you, our little town isn't much, but at those moments, it's like the Celestial City itself.

As I finished up my race with myself and calmed my breathing, and put away my bike, it struck me. While I was looking at my feet, the hills didn't seem so big... in fact, if I never looked up, I wouldn't have known how big they were. Isn't that the same with Him?

I see big hills ahead. It's Grade 12, everyone's asking the dreaded question, "So... what do you want to do after you graduate?" Smaller bumps are in between.. academics, a job, the Colombia trip.

Somewhere, from someone, sometime... I have no clue, I heard a new perspective on Psalm 119:105.

"Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path." (NIV)

It says that His Word is a lamp. What is a lamp? A small light. What does it show? Just my feet. JUST my feet. Nothing else. He doesn't illuminate the whole path. He doesn't highlight the hills. He shows me JUST enough for right now. JUST enough for the next step.


As I run this race... keeping it steady and strong, focusing on my feet is hard. Because I like to worry, honestly. I like to complain to Him about how big my hills are and how little others' look in comparison. His response is: "Look at your feet. I can take care of the hills. Look at your feet."


Someday, I'll crest into the Celestial City (the real one this time), and there will be no more hills. There will be no more race. I will slow down, I will stop, I will surrender my earthly "bike."


But for right now... I look at my feet.

Answers

With this year of Grade 12 looming in front of me, I've had to really bring a lot of things in front of His feet and sit and listen. I want to do well academically, although I don't want my competitive nature to be able to extinguish what I do have of a social life. I want to give myself time and yet fill it with fun and fulfilling things to do. Most of all, I don't want to look back at my Grade 12 year and wish that I had done things differently.

One of the biggest decisions that I had facing me was the decision of whether or not I should be involved in Bible Quizzing this year. For all of you who have never heard of it... learn about it! I first was involved in Grade six as a rookie and have now passed on to the senior divisions. And yet, it consumes a large amount of time. Time spent memorizing verses, going over questions, getting multiple answer chapter verse reference questions down pat (now, no one but quizzers can fully understand what that means) and going over key words. It fills up an evening a week, joining together as a team and practicing. There are weekend tournaments and review nights. You need to review verses, say them three weeks in a row. Oh, and not only that, but there are levels of memory. And me being me, I want to do and be the best at something that I try, not stay where it's easier, which means more time spent memorizing and reviewing.

But, at the end of this year of Bible Quizzing, at Nakamun, I was struggling with this issue. All around me, I could see people changed by simply memorizing 45 verses in a year. And yet, there were around 30 people in Alberta who memorized every single word in the book of John. Amazing! Being around those of a similar faith and of similar commitment to putting His words into their hearts does something to you. It makes you feel safe and accepted, as well as being able to prove yourself on grounds other than academics, looks or personality. There is a community...a family even.

During the summer, my fervor waned as I realized just how much I had stacked against me. I had filled my schedule with every single course possibility that I could take and now was thinking about the time commitment it would take to make it a fun (as opposed to stressful) year. Add to that other things, say a Bible Study, maybe a job, His Singers (I hope), Band practice hours, etc... I could just see my time wasting away and the first thing that I was eager to scrap was Bible Quizzing. Why? Because, honestly, I haven't been able to hold myself up to my standards of "if I'm doing this, I'm doing this so well that others will take notice of me".. in fact, I was doing normal... unnoticeably normal. Which, obviously, was my pride speaking.

Then, comes in this morning. I had prayed, going through the things that I needed wisdom for, trying to lay them at His feet, while at the same time keeping my pinky finger curled around the edge, ready to pull it back. Then, I went to my Bible. I had just finished my daily Bible reading plan a few days ago and was searching for a passage to read. Thinking about all the things that I had to make decisions about and soon, I turned to Proverbs, which, to my mind, was the place to go if I was looking for wisdom. Starting from the beginning, I started flipping through, and something caught my eye right away. It was the subtitle above Proverbs 3, which read Trusting in the Lord. Okay, I thought, I'll give this one a shot.

And then... oh, just then, I read verse 1:

"My child, never forget the things I have taught you. Store my commands in your heart."

Guess what hit me... really, really hard. Here I was, quibbling over what I would have time for, when really, what I should have worried about was where my priorities had gone. Was I really so far gone that I was considering cutting out what might be the thing through which He taught me the most important lessons that I need to learn, such as humility, grace, patience, mercy, and more? It made me shocked at what I had been thinking, and I immediately underlined this part of the verse.

Moving on to verse 2:

"If you do this, you will live many years, and your life will be satisfying."

What had I been looking for? For fun; for fulfillment. And what was He promising here? His satisfaction.. His peace.. what more do I need? I am so glad that He gives answers when I am still...