In A Second Family

It seems right to be writing my 100th post about something that means so much to me.

The people whom I drove away from just a few hours ago, a Camp that I know so well, and an experience that I wouldn't replace for anything.

I remember in Grade 6, when I first discovered what Bible Quizzing really was, and the way that it created new bonds between me and others, within my own team and at every tournament.

It was this year that was kind of my first year of "normal" life. The last time I had been on Canadian (okay, North American) soil had been four years before, for one year of home-assignment during my Grade 2 year.

I was awkward, I was socially inept, I felt lonely, I was only here for a year and didn't want to form bonds that would rip away a part of my heart when I left... and I found an answer to my longing to belong in Quizzing.

It didn't really matter how well I did, although doing well did give me a sense of accomplishment, competitive as I am. It was more the fact that no matter what, those people in my Quizzing group, and the people I interacted with at tournaments cared about me for me.

It was as if I saw the body of Christ come alive in a true way through the way that I felt safe and comforted when surrounded by others who gave such importance to memorizing and prioritizing God's Word in their lives.

And after that year, I left.

I returned to the jungles of Africa, was homeschooled, did lots of crazy amazing things that I would never trade for more years in Bible Quizzing... but two years later, things changed.

Most of you (addressing the quizzers who will read this post) don't really know my past. But the synopsis goes something like this:

Two years after we had returned to the missions field, my sister started exhibiting strange symptoms that we couldn't account for. At first, they were only minor, irritating things that we thought were just stubborn habits that could be fixed. But as time progressed, things got steadily and steadily worse. Eventually, it got the the point where something had to be done about it. We quickly packed things for a short journey, headed to one of the big cities and consulted some doctors. Their reply? Fly back to Canada quickly!
So we did. And once again, I was thrown into the rollercoaster of we-need-to-figure-this-thing-out-but-normal-life-goes-on. We arrived back in time for my Grade 9 year, and I was once again in a position of uncertainty, loneliness, and trying to figure out what normal life looked like, not only for a Canadian, but also for my family, while trying to visit doctors, get a diagnosis, and get my sister healed.

And it was during this time, that I joined Quizzing again. Immediately, that sense of belonging, of comfort, of everything being alright, of having security when my life was anything but, all came back again.

It's been a splendid five years. Five years of wonderful friendships, of growing in my relationship with Him and understanding what it means to hide His word in my heart, of feeling more confident in speaking publicly, of how to win and lose gracefully, of being surrounded by those who know what the terms bookie and clicky-seat mean.

But most of all, it's been about surrounded by family. And my sister is healed now. In fact, she's been quizzing for the last two years, and this year, on my team. Many of you know her personally, and many more could probably recognize her face.

Nothing ever goes like we plan it out. Especially when He's at the helm, following His plans which are far wiser, better, all-knowing, and good for us than anything we could concoct.

When I came back here four years ago because of a medical emergency, I didn't understand.

I still don't understand fully. But I want all of you to know (even those of you who aren't quizzers) that by knowing you, I have understood in part what He was doing.

If I left overseas if only to come back and quiz, that would be enough (although I suspect He's got multiple things up His sleeves yet to be seen).

You guys have become a second family to me, and it's crazy to think that, in most likelihood, I will not see you all together for at least two years.

I'll miss you.

Rewiring

These last few days, I have found myself echoing the words of Paul over and over again:

"I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate." Romans 7:15 (NLT)

Although my life is hectic, I often spend my downtime vegging out while surfing Youtube or some other mindless thing.

And time after time, I look back on the time I spent doing nothing when all the things that are piling up on me take the backburner.

So I try and change my ways, but the lure of mindlessness pulls me and I fall again.

Last night was yet another time when I had hours to do things in, and yet I spent it listening to, watching, and doing useless things.

And as I prepared to go to bed, I picked up the stack of memory verses that I have memorized so far through Bible Quizzing this year and turned to the first one.

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness." 2 Peter 1:3 (NIV)

It strikes me as funny that although this was one of the verses used in choir only last year, and I memorized it this year through Bible Quizzing, that it has only struck me now.

Now that I have gotten used to it, now that I know that I need that strength.

For so long I have been running on my own power, trusting myself to change my ways because that has occasionally worked in the past. Yet I continue to make the same mistakes again, continue to follow a cycle that I want to stop.

And only He has the strength that I need.

Sometimes I wonder if giving up all that I want is worth it. And even as I think it, I think back to all that He has worked through in my life and know that the question is utterly redundant.

But even then, He wasn't done showing me the things that He wanted me to see. This morning at church, the sermon was on "Transformational Discipleship" and was all about allowing others to see our weaknesses and working wholeheartedly towards change by throwing off the sin and then replacing it with a new mindset.

And it centered around Romans 12:1-2:

"And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice -- the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don't copy the behaviour and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." (NLT)

Because, as humans, we have a sinful pattern built in. We resort to the same maneuvers again and again when places with tempting situations... we succumb.

What it is required to daily act out His commands is a rewiring. A rewiring of our brains, our habits, our systems of response, of the way that we think.

A rewiring until He is first and we are last.

And it comes with laying down of our personal plans, our personal ambitions, our hopes and dreams of self glorification.

It's all about Him.

And He is so able. So able to keep us from falling.

"Now all glory to God, who is able to keep you from falling away and will bring you with great joy into his glorious presence without a single fault." Jude 1:24 (NLT)

He's working on me.

Arrogance

What? Did I just write that as the title? Me... arrogant? Pshaw... never!

But I am just that. My heart is full of the dark desires that cause me to act in ways to draw others to me. To me. To ME. To what I can do, what I can accomplish, what I can provide, to what I can give. To... oh, how horrible... how much of a "Christian" I am.

There was a Bible Quizzing Tournament this past weekend. We travelled for hours, tires spinning against white roads. We arrived, and I fell into that most-comfortable-of-all embrace of fellow believers. Others who, like me, had spent multiple hours memorizing verses, or even chapters. Learning questions, key words, and where they could jump and answer the questions without a doubt.

Now, I don't prepare for Quizzing as much as I would like to. When I'm excited about it, it becomes something that I latch onto and make into a huge undertaking. But, when life seems like a more exciting alternative, it hangs over my week like a dark shadow, reminding me that I better get those verses memorized, that chapter read, those questions filled in, those chapters reviewed, those verses gone over, etc. It could become all-consuming if I let it.

And this being my last year... Even now, it's hard to say that. I've been in the wonderful program for five years... FIVE years. Years of memorizing verses, going to tournaments, meeting new friends, becoming versed in the rules of a sport that many people never know about, learning how to jump on either clicky-seats or pads, accumulating bookies and workbooks, gathering a ribbon here and there. And all for what?

I wish that I could say that the biggest effect was on my spiritual life. But it hasn't been. Up until now. Sure, it's helped me be able to memorize like a whiz, and take Bio because, hey, why not? since memorizing is so easy and all. I've never realized how arrogant I was about being involved in this sport, about my abilities.

"I'm participating in a Bible Quizzing Tournament this weekend. What are you doing? Sleeping in?"

It's one of those things that you do at first because you know that you should, or your friends are involved, or just maybe because you are a MK and everyone already expects you to do something so strange and out of the ordinary that it would be in keeping with your "unique" ness and would be an involvement in something becuase you have no sporty skills.

Plus, this being my last year, it's the last year I have to excel. To make a name for myself. To go to Great West (top 25 quizzers from Alberta go). To show that I have worth.

And that's what it comes down to, isn't it? I don't feel like I have enough worth in other things. In... Him.

I don't realize how preciously He has made me to do everything that I can do. I don't fully grasp the importance of the VERY WORD OF GOD that I am memorizing. The nuggets of truth that I'm tucking away. The lasting friendships that I could make if I stopped making my focus on how well I do, but turn that focus on to meeting and getting to know others.

And it brings me to the question: how can I do well without being arrogant? How can I excel and bring Him every single shred of glory?

I've been given such a unique opportunity, and it's sad to me now, to look back on years past and to realize all that I have failed to do in this area. I could've done so much.

And yet... I use the word "I." That word that pervades my actions, thoughts, and words. Instead of "Him."

He could've done so much. And now with realizing this, I also realize... He can still do much. Through my arrogance, through my weakness, through my failings, through  my sinful human nature, He is strong.

As I write these things, these verses that I have stored away in the past few weeks jump out at me. Words that I have spoken time and time again, but never taken to heart, sadly enough.

"Young men, in the same way, be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because 'God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time." (1 Peter 5:5+6, NIV)

And as I struggle to bring these words to fruition in my life, I'm ever so grateful for another verse.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (2 Peter 3:9, NIV)

Quizzing and Surrender

It hurts...

It really does...

This weekend was the Quizzing Tournament that was held in T-Town. I anticipated much and was not disappointed.

Friday night was both the worst of times and the best of times. I started out the night with a self-glorifying attitude and it wasn't long until I fell flat on my face. I wanted to jump fast, get the answers correct and do it so that everyone could see how good I was.

But I didn't... and I wasn't.

That night though, we lead worship with a team that had first practiced only a few hours before. New people, new cohesiveness... things weren't looking pretty. But when we stood up there, it came together. Not perfectly, not seamlessly. Stitches were hanging out here and there. But when you're leading a group of kids and adults who have devoted their weekend to reciting His Word, it doesn't matter how good or bad the musicians are. You still praise.

So with a cleaner heart, I lifted hands toward heaven and just sang. I let it go and something happened.

You know those times when everything's going good and then it just gets better? Like there was a film and now it's evaporated and everything seems clearer and brighter and just plain better?

Yeah.

Then they all had fun getting to figure out what Quizzing was like. It made my day to see my friends and classmates taking an interest in what consumes a few weekends of my year and hours throughout the week. To see them jump with anticipation and answer silly questions. To laugh and to know that I am loved.

Saturday morning was even better. Things had started coming back and my new perspective was really helping things. I found myself giving more to others, encouraging and lifting up instead of figuring out how I could answer more questions correctly.

And it lead us to the Finals. Consolations, yes, but Finals no doubt. I was SO happy...

And then winning!

And then getting a prize for being 3rd top quizzer in Consolation. It's never happened before in all my five years of quizzing. EEEEKKK!!

Then to go home and to see that life is still the same... it's just me that's changed... although temporarily. Sooner or later, I will find myself falling and then clearing away the mist before my eyes to see what truly matters.

Because surrender can never really be complete here on this earth. Just as the trees are shedding their leaves in anticipation for winter, so I shed myself that I may become more like Him. And even as I am dying, He gives me life that may take time to blossom, as do the buds on the trees. And it's a cycle... like everything else. Yet, each time I will recognize my sin more readily, find it just as hard to give up and then breathe even deeper when I do.

It reminds me of Eustace and Aslan in the Dawn Treader of the Narnia Chronicles. Eustace is trying desperately to tear his dragon skin off, but each layer that comes off shows another fresh one underneath. Finally, Aslan steps to his side and says, "Only I can take it off."

From there, he proceeds to gouge his claws in deep and begin the agonizingly painful business of pulling the skin off from the inside.

And I can't do it. Nope. Not a chance...

But He can... if only I surrender.

Answers

With this year of Grade 12 looming in front of me, I've had to really bring a lot of things in front of His feet and sit and listen. I want to do well academically, although I don't want my competitive nature to be able to extinguish what I do have of a social life. I want to give myself time and yet fill it with fun and fulfilling things to do. Most of all, I don't want to look back at my Grade 12 year and wish that I had done things differently.

One of the biggest decisions that I had facing me was the decision of whether or not I should be involved in Bible Quizzing this year. For all of you who have never heard of it... learn about it! I first was involved in Grade six as a rookie and have now passed on to the senior divisions. And yet, it consumes a large amount of time. Time spent memorizing verses, going over questions, getting multiple answer chapter verse reference questions down pat (now, no one but quizzers can fully understand what that means) and going over key words. It fills up an evening a week, joining together as a team and practicing. There are weekend tournaments and review nights. You need to review verses, say them three weeks in a row. Oh, and not only that, but there are levels of memory. And me being me, I want to do and be the best at something that I try, not stay where it's easier, which means more time spent memorizing and reviewing.

But, at the end of this year of Bible Quizzing, at Nakamun, I was struggling with this issue. All around me, I could see people changed by simply memorizing 45 verses in a year. And yet, there were around 30 people in Alberta who memorized every single word in the book of John. Amazing! Being around those of a similar faith and of similar commitment to putting His words into their hearts does something to you. It makes you feel safe and accepted, as well as being able to prove yourself on grounds other than academics, looks or personality. There is a community...a family even.

During the summer, my fervor waned as I realized just how much I had stacked against me. I had filled my schedule with every single course possibility that I could take and now was thinking about the time commitment it would take to make it a fun (as opposed to stressful) year. Add to that other things, say a Bible Study, maybe a job, His Singers (I hope), Band practice hours, etc... I could just see my time wasting away and the first thing that I was eager to scrap was Bible Quizzing. Why? Because, honestly, I haven't been able to hold myself up to my standards of "if I'm doing this, I'm doing this so well that others will take notice of me".. in fact, I was doing normal... unnoticeably normal. Which, obviously, was my pride speaking.

Then, comes in this morning. I had prayed, going through the things that I needed wisdom for, trying to lay them at His feet, while at the same time keeping my pinky finger curled around the edge, ready to pull it back. Then, I went to my Bible. I had just finished my daily Bible reading plan a few days ago and was searching for a passage to read. Thinking about all the things that I had to make decisions about and soon, I turned to Proverbs, which, to my mind, was the place to go if I was looking for wisdom. Starting from the beginning, I started flipping through, and something caught my eye right away. It was the subtitle above Proverbs 3, which read Trusting in the Lord. Okay, I thought, I'll give this one a shot.

And then... oh, just then, I read verse 1:

"My child, never forget the things I have taught you. Store my commands in your heart."

Guess what hit me... really, really hard. Here I was, quibbling over what I would have time for, when really, what I should have worried about was where my priorities had gone. Was I really so far gone that I was considering cutting out what might be the thing through which He taught me the most important lessons that I need to learn, such as humility, grace, patience, mercy, and more? It made me shocked at what I had been thinking, and I immediately underlined this part of the verse.

Moving on to verse 2:

"If you do this, you will live many years, and your life will be satisfying."

What had I been looking for? For fun; for fulfillment. And what was He promising here? His satisfaction.. His peace.. what more do I need? I am so glad that He gives answers when I am still...