It struck me as so weird to be going home for a "visit". To be packing with the knowledge that home wouldn't have everything that I needed if I forgot some things.
To knock on my door and get bowled over by family, to feel safe, and yet foreign all at the same time.
To balance homework with meeting with friends and getting back into the routine of home.
But one of the biggest things that hit me about being home was the differences that I've made in my life and that really hit me when I read Philippians 2:12-13 for devos one day.
Dear friends, you always followed my instructions when I was with you. And now that I am away, it is even more important. Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him. (Philippians 2:12-13, NLT)
The biggest difference was in regard to the maturing that I have done and the differing mindset with which I face problems or situations. He has truly been fostering in me, these past few months, a growing craving to understand what life lived with Him at the center looks like. Learning how to long and desire to be in His presence and through this process He truly has been giving me the desire and power to do what pleases Him.
Not that I have it down by any stretch of the imagination, but coming home and wrestling with the temptations that I have here, the ruts that I used to fall into, and falling into some of them once more and learning how to apply what I've been learning in class to my every day life has been a really good experience.
Although I do apply it while I'm at Millar, even being at home is more "out in the world" and so seems like another step in growing.
Another thing that really hit me this week was the blessing that I realize Millar has been as I talk to people and have that oft-asked question put to me: "So, how's school going?" And as I answer with short expressions of awesomeness, or expand depending on the amount of care they actually give towards my life, about the amazing blessing these past few months have been. The community, the opportunities, the musical atmosphere, and the way that God's been moving in my life.
It's only as I'm away from that amazing place that I realize how He's been working in my life and it blows my mind. Who knows where else I could have ended up?
But because of who He is. Not because of what I've done. Because of what He's done, not because of who I am, He's placed me at Millar. And I'm so excited to see what He's got in store for me.
Showing posts with label homework. Show all posts
Showing posts with label homework. Show all posts
Saturday, November 10
Wednesday, September 14
Something in the Air
I biked home from school today, pushed ever onward by the twirl of wind around me. Leaves raced along the tires, tumbling and swirling. I breathed deep and took a quick second breath. There was something different in the air. Something....
It's fallen into autumn now. I wore my sweater all day at school, and for the first time since the beginning of school I wore tennis shoes. The air was chilly, and I rode to school wishing for gloves. But it was overcast... not a sign of this bright glory to come. But on my way back it reminded me of something...
I feel so busy these days. So full of things to do, meetings to make and to maintain, things to prepare for, not to mention my "normal" life. But the "something" in the air today reminded me of days past. Days in which I could take my leisurely time and would feel like spinning among the leaves and joining their autumn dance. Days when I was young, when homework was only something rumored about by highschoolers. Days when there was a crisp, lively, vitality to life.
Memories of school days past. First day impressions, making friends you hope will last. Bringing out the winter clothes, putting summer things away. Why don't I feel that "something" every day?
Okay, enough with the rhyming, but seriously... I've kind of lost sight of the spark that is living and imagining in this downpour of homework... and I want to recapture that "something." To stop and smell the roses once in awhile... to be vibrantly alive.
It's fallen into autumn now. I wore my sweater all day at school, and for the first time since the beginning of school I wore tennis shoes. The air was chilly, and I rode to school wishing for gloves. But it was overcast... not a sign of this bright glory to come. But on my way back it reminded me of something...
I feel so busy these days. So full of things to do, meetings to make and to maintain, things to prepare for, not to mention my "normal" life. But the "something" in the air today reminded me of days past. Days in which I could take my leisurely time and would feel like spinning among the leaves and joining their autumn dance. Days when I was young, when homework was only something rumored about by highschoolers. Days when there was a crisp, lively, vitality to life.
Memories of school days past. First day impressions, making friends you hope will last. Bringing out the winter clothes, putting summer things away. Why don't I feel that "something" every day?
Okay, enough with the rhyming, but seriously... I've kind of lost sight of the spark that is living and imagining in this downpour of homework... and I want to recapture that "something." To stop and smell the roses once in awhile... to be vibrantly alive.
Monday, September 12
Attitude
It was the weirdest sensation to work after school today. It was the first day of my life in which I so totally switched sides. Instead of being taught, I taught... and I even had to leave ten minutes early to do it! *gasp!* The problem is that after a long hard day of absorbing information (I know... tedious), I tend to crave a little "me-time." In which there is nothing inherently wrong except when I'm supposed to be serving.
It's then that my self-serving attitude turns from a though to action to sin. Because when it's all about someone else, making them feel happy and enabling them to do what they wouldn't otherwise be able to do (not to talk about God), simply put... it's not about me. I was tired, I was cranky, I twisted the day plan to fit my needs, my laziness, my unwillingness to drag her from store to store to get "kisses" on her hands. She's definitely an extrovert... and me... well, just let's just say that it depends on the *day*. And this was most assuredly not my best one.
How do I change that? How do I push beyond myself, my very core of tired, overworked, not wanting to serve... ness? I physically can't. I tried today... well, once again, here comes the lazy part applying to my initiative... but it still didn't work.
There's lots of things coming up this week. Things filling my days, requiring hours ahead of time to prepare, homework, meetings, work, and everything else that constitutes my life at this present moment. But I need to dance in the craziness... and I find that hard when I'm caught in the sludge of selfishness. There's only One who can break me free... I'm still trying to figure out and apply exactly how that works though.
It's then that my self-serving attitude turns from a though to action to sin. Because when it's all about someone else, making them feel happy and enabling them to do what they wouldn't otherwise be able to do (not to talk about God), simply put... it's not about me. I was tired, I was cranky, I twisted the day plan to fit my needs, my laziness, my unwillingness to drag her from store to store to get "kisses" on her hands. She's definitely an extrovert... and me... well, just let's just say that it depends on the *day*. And this was most assuredly not my best one.
How do I change that? How do I push beyond myself, my very core of tired, overworked, not wanting to serve... ness? I physically can't. I tried today... well, once again, here comes the lazy part applying to my initiative... but it still didn't work.
There's lots of things coming up this week. Things filling my days, requiring hours ahead of time to prepare, homework, meetings, work, and everything else that constitutes my life at this present moment. But I need to dance in the craziness... and I find that hard when I'm caught in the sludge of selfishness. There's only One who can break me free... I'm still trying to figure out and apply exactly how that works though.
Friday, September 9
Bliss
These past few days have been filled with friends. Other things, too, but friends above all things. It's in this year that I've purposed to spend time with friends and developing relationships more than homework, even though this year is the only one when homework has taken a serious hold of my life.
We met together, us, the three musketeers, dressed up all pretty and eating pizza and doing Chem homework. We sat around that kitchen table, scratching our heads, all the while celebrating the beautiful passing on of another year for one of us. We drove into C-city and went through Bio notes on the way. I think that one of the marks of true friendship is being able to laugh while doing the most boring things in the world, just enjoying being with each other. Stopping and walking above a street in a tunnel of rainbow, heels that hurt, tickets gotten, escalators (escalators!!) {what do you do with escalators? walk? ride?} done with, and sitting in seats, excitement tinging our voices. Pointing out this violin, and that flute. The massive choir that walked in. And then, the joyful sounds of Beethoven's Ode to Joy.
We laughed, we smiled, we absorbed, we mocked, we stifled giggles at the opportune (or should I say inopportune?) sneeze that made the whole performance memorable. Stopping at Timmy's on the way back and being the only customers in the entire store. Being dropped off and falling into bed, content to sleep and sleep. Waking up to a clock that reads an hour later than what I wish it did, scrambling to get to school, still doing well on a Bio quiz. Talking to people, making amigo 1 jump every time I mentioned the choir list being posted, trying not to fall asleep.
And then the moments of uncertainty... of a dear friend that stepped up and helped out in one of the moments when I feel the weakest. I don't like not knowing... at all. I start freaking out and feeling awkward and uncertain. Yay for people with cell phones! Driving in a pick up truck, wind going through my hair, the smell of harvest, blasting country songs accompanied by laughter. Picking camomile by the hour, spending time in a heart to heart with another dear friend. Sharing garbage bags, completing swaths, joking around with the hockey guys, laughing, finding ladybugs. Grass stained hands and shoes, water that tasted wonderful, and driving home.
The suggestion for Subway, the friends we met when we went there. The joy and the laughter, my disheveled appearance and the chocolate milk that followed. The sweet knowing that nothing can stop this moment. That is why I'm alive. That He placed me here for this moment. These moments.
It's been my very own Ode to Joy, really. It's been crazy. I'm half asleep, my clothes are all dusty with walking through fields, my homework is in my backpack, there are things to be done, sleep to be pursued, tomorrow to look forward to. But it's bliss.... pure, clear, ethereal bliss! And it's in these moments that life comes alive. Life is not made in the quiet mundane days that occupy the span of my years, but the bright, the crazy, the happiness that friends bring.
Through this all I can't help imagining how great heaven will be. Honestly, there were times today that I thought, This is as good as it gets! But then I had to stop myself, because it gets way better. He has so much in store for me, and I'm so excited!
We met together, us, the three musketeers, dressed up all pretty and eating pizza and doing Chem homework. We sat around that kitchen table, scratching our heads, all the while celebrating the beautiful passing on of another year for one of us. We drove into C-city and went through Bio notes on the way. I think that one of the marks of true friendship is being able to laugh while doing the most boring things in the world, just enjoying being with each other. Stopping and walking above a street in a tunnel of rainbow, heels that hurt, tickets gotten, escalators (escalators!!) {what do you do with escalators? walk? ride?} done with, and sitting in seats, excitement tinging our voices. Pointing out this violin, and that flute. The massive choir that walked in. And then, the joyful sounds of Beethoven's Ode to Joy.
We laughed, we smiled, we absorbed, we mocked, we stifled giggles at the opportune (or should I say inopportune?) sneeze that made the whole performance memorable. Stopping at Timmy's on the way back and being the only customers in the entire store. Being dropped off and falling into bed, content to sleep and sleep. Waking up to a clock that reads an hour later than what I wish it did, scrambling to get to school, still doing well on a Bio quiz. Talking to people, making amigo 1 jump every time I mentioned the choir list being posted, trying not to fall asleep.
And then the moments of uncertainty... of a dear friend that stepped up and helped out in one of the moments when I feel the weakest. I don't like not knowing... at all. I start freaking out and feeling awkward and uncertain. Yay for people with cell phones! Driving in a pick up truck, wind going through my hair, the smell of harvest, blasting country songs accompanied by laughter. Picking camomile by the hour, spending time in a heart to heart with another dear friend. Sharing garbage bags, completing swaths, joking around with the hockey guys, laughing, finding ladybugs. Grass stained hands and shoes, water that tasted wonderful, and driving home.
The suggestion for Subway, the friends we met when we went there. The joy and the laughter, my disheveled appearance and the chocolate milk that followed. The sweet knowing that nothing can stop this moment. That is why I'm alive. That He placed me here for this moment. These moments.
It's been my very own Ode to Joy, really. It's been crazy. I'm half asleep, my clothes are all dusty with walking through fields, my homework is in my backpack, there are things to be done, sleep to be pursued, tomorrow to look forward to. But it's bliss.... pure, clear, ethereal bliss! And it's in these moments that life comes alive. Life is not made in the quiet mundane days that occupy the span of my years, but the bright, the crazy, the happiness that friends bring.
Through this all I can't help imagining how great heaven will be. Honestly, there were times today that I thought, This is as good as it gets! But then I had to stop myself, because it gets way better. He has so much in store for me, and I'm so excited!
Saturday, August 27
Ready
I waded through the Rubbermaid and boxes today. Pulling out binders, opening this package of paper, trying to find a set of dividers in the mis-matched pile. Testing my pens, getting new highlighters, unpacking what I packed at the end of last year.
Earlier this week, I went to the school to return something and as I walked down the second floor to the library, I could imagine what it would look like in a few days time. Three more days! That's all there is. People walking purposefully down the hallways, others meandering, Grade 7ers scared spitless, and new locker combos to figure out. Old teachers, new classes. More homework, more juggling.
I'm not ready. Well... not ready, ready. But getting there ready. A few weeks ago, the deadline of school coming made me panic as my bank account stood still. I was stressed... I wanted to postpone school until I was ready. Until I felt secure. Now that the amount is steadily rising, I'm ready in that area. But in others???
I'm ready to see my friends again. Ready for routine. Ready for the extra-curricular things that make me see my friends. Ready for playing music and singing.
I'm not ready. Not ready to have homework, not ready to have stress. Not ready to worry about deadlines or having to squeeze friend time in. Not ready for making sure my priorities are where they're supposed to be. Not ready for feeling scared, big 12th Grader that I am. Not ready for asking for help to figure out my locker combo (happens almost every year), not ready to fail to meet my expectations.
But most of all, I'm not ready to not be lazy. I want to make this year so GOOD. I want to have the most meaningful relationships, I want to keep my studies up, I want to learn what He has in store for me, I want to reach out to those who hide in corners, etc. But what I really want to do... is do all the things that I haven't done in the past for fear. Because really... this is the end. I'll never have another chance, I'll never be able to say "Oh, I'll do that next year." I'm leaving this bubble in a year, and I'm not ready to have regrets.
My biggest arch enemy in this is myself. Because of who I am, many things will slip by, many opportunities will be passed by, many people will not be touched. Because I AM LAZY. I like my comfort zone... I really, really do. I like knowing what comes next, and routine is my best friend. I like to be on top of things... on the inside of things. Not on the outside.. not in the unknown. Not in that position (oh, heavens, no) where I let Him tell me what to do.
I'm not ready to be strong. And yet, am I ever? I'm only human, I reason... but that's not a reason - that's an excuse. And yet as I struggle to prepare myself and set reasonable goals for this year, the passage about Paul and the thorn in his flesh is brought to my mind.
Paul was caught up to heaven and was given visions and revelations from the Lord, but to keep him from becoming proud and boastful, he was given a thorn in his flesh, a messenger from Satan. (Christy's Personal Paraphrase).
Then, words come that shoot straight to my heart:
"Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, NLT)
Did you hear that? "My power works best in weakness", "For when I am weak, then I am strong"? All these weeks leading up to school, I've wanted to be strong. I've wanted to conquer, succeed, and be lauded. But that's not what it's really about. It's about Him. If I accomplished all these things and got praised for it, I would be filled with pride and self-centeredness.
It seems weird and backwards to pray "Lord, please make me weak," but as the days tick off until my last-ever-first-day-of-high-school starts... that's what I'm doing to get ready.
Earlier this week, I went to the school to return something and as I walked down the second floor to the library, I could imagine what it would look like in a few days time. Three more days! That's all there is. People walking purposefully down the hallways, others meandering, Grade 7ers scared spitless, and new locker combos to figure out. Old teachers, new classes. More homework, more juggling.
I'm not ready. Well... not ready, ready. But getting there ready. A few weeks ago, the deadline of school coming made me panic as my bank account stood still. I was stressed... I wanted to postpone school until I was ready. Until I felt secure. Now that the amount is steadily rising, I'm ready in that area. But in others???
I'm ready to see my friends again. Ready for routine. Ready for the extra-curricular things that make me see my friends. Ready for playing music and singing.
I'm not ready. Not ready to have homework, not ready to have stress. Not ready to worry about deadlines or having to squeeze friend time in. Not ready for making sure my priorities are where they're supposed to be. Not ready for feeling scared, big 12th Grader that I am. Not ready for asking for help to figure out my locker combo (happens almost every year), not ready to fail to meet my expectations.
But most of all, I'm not ready to not be lazy. I want to make this year so GOOD. I want to have the most meaningful relationships, I want to keep my studies up, I want to learn what He has in store for me, I want to reach out to those who hide in corners, etc. But what I really want to do... is do all the things that I haven't done in the past for fear. Because really... this is the end. I'll never have another chance, I'll never be able to say "Oh, I'll do that next year." I'm leaving this bubble in a year, and I'm not ready to have regrets.
My biggest arch enemy in this is myself. Because of who I am, many things will slip by, many opportunities will be passed by, many people will not be touched. Because I AM LAZY. I like my comfort zone... I really, really do. I like knowing what comes next, and routine is my best friend. I like to be on top of things... on the inside of things. Not on the outside.. not in the unknown. Not in that position (oh, heavens, no) where I let Him tell me what to do.
I'm not ready to be strong. And yet, am I ever? I'm only human, I reason... but that's not a reason - that's an excuse. And yet as I struggle to prepare myself and set reasonable goals for this year, the passage about Paul and the thorn in his flesh is brought to my mind.
Paul was caught up to heaven and was given visions and revelations from the Lord, but to keep him from becoming proud and boastful, he was given a thorn in his flesh, a messenger from Satan. (Christy's Personal Paraphrase).
Then, words come that shoot straight to my heart:
"Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, NLT)
Did you hear that? "My power works best in weakness", "For when I am weak, then I am strong"? All these weeks leading up to school, I've wanted to be strong. I've wanted to conquer, succeed, and be lauded. But that's not what it's really about. It's about Him. If I accomplished all these things and got praised for it, I would be filled with pride and self-centeredness.
It seems weird and backwards to pray "Lord, please make me weak," but as the days tick off until my last-ever-first-day-of-high-school starts... that's what I'm doing to get ready.
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