Eeyore

I sat there as she handed out the papers, filled with words that did not yet mean anything to me. Trying to fill them out spontaneously, all the while trying to do it from the real me (as separated from the me that I aspire to be, the person that I want others to see, and the me I expect others actually see). It's hard! How much of a person's personality is made up from their inner character, versus made up of what's reflected back to them from others?

The results came in, and there was a sweeping win... for Eeyore.

Now I watched Winnie the Pooh a little bit when I was little, but Eeyore was definitely not up there on my list of favorite characters. I remembered him as gloomy, sad, depressed, anti-social and a damper on any party inclinations.

As we went around and told what the results were, it came around to me and as the last person to answer, I spoke a word that had not yet been said: "Eeyore." I wonder if Eeyores are scarce... or what?

I felt a little bit better when the explanation sheets came around. Other titles, such as "Beaver", "Compliance/Cautious", and "Analytical", made me feel a little bit better. Reading through the description was cool, as it is with any personality test, because it kind of laid out how I ticked. Not all the way, but a large part of it.

I like organization, high standards, and analyzing. I get easily depressed, and remember negatives for a long, long, long, long, long...did I say long?... time. I need affirmation from those around me about my feelings and actions. I get down when I am not organized and life is not on a time-oriented schedule. I am afraid of making mistakes and having no one understand me or the motives for my actions.

I get along well with those who are serious, intellectual and can actually carry on a decent conversation. On the other hand, flibbertigibbets are one of my worst pet peeves. I react to stress by withdrawing and getting unusually silent (that is... unusually silent for me), or else getting lost in a project or book (that I can do alone!).

There are lots of other characteristics, but some are more of a flattery form, so I'm not going to write about them... it's kind of cool to be unique, though. I admit that it will be hard with so many Tiggers around to get my own space and fill up my "quiet quotient" every once in awhile.

And yet... it's just another box... and I can't allow myself to be shoved into that. I am definitely an Eeyore, but occasionally can very outgoing and energetic, especially around kids. Which (I'm hoping) will especially come out this trip.

Who knows? At least Eeyore is good at getting rid of other people's prickles!

Attitude

It was the weirdest sensation to work after school today. It was the first day of my life in which I so totally switched sides. Instead of being taught, I taught... and I even had to leave ten minutes early to do it! *gasp!* The problem is that after a long hard day of absorbing information (I know... tedious), I tend to crave a little "me-time." In which there is nothing inherently wrong except when I'm supposed to be serving.

It's then that my self-serving attitude turns from a though to action to sin. Because when it's all about someone else, making them feel happy and enabling them to do what they wouldn't otherwise be able to do (not to talk about God), simply put... it's not about me. I was tired, I was cranky, I twisted the day plan to fit my needs, my laziness, my unwillingness to drag her from store to store to get "kisses" on her hands. She's definitely an extrovert... and me... well, just let's just say that it depends on the *day*. And this was most assuredly not my best one.

How do I change that? How do I push beyond myself, my very core of tired, overworked, not wanting to serve... ness? I physically can't. I tried today... well, once again, here comes the lazy part applying to my initiative... but it still didn't work.

There's lots of things coming up this week. Things filling my days, requiring hours ahead of time to prepare,  homework, meetings, work, and everything else that constitutes my life at this present moment. But I need to dance in the craziness... and I find that hard when I'm caught in the sludge of selfishness. There's only One who can break me free... I'm still trying to figure out and apply exactly how that works though.

Shown

I've been wondering the last few days about all that I am. About how I am made, but more specifically what gifts and talents I have been given.

Written in my journal last night:
"I want to be accepted so much by those I esteem. I want to be given the nod of approval, to have kinship, to understand. But above all, I know that I have not given my 100% . I care, I try hard, but I'm too afraid of failing and discouragement - I just want to naturally understand. I want to be gifted and special."

It goes on to reconcile all the above complaining and wondering with pleasing Him utmost, but I wanted to highlight some things. One, my schooling. I want to do my best, but I easily float by and let my standards lower to those that others achieve to. But should my level of trying be decided by others and what they do? No! But it is. If I was put in a private, esteemed academy with a higher level of competition, I would try immensely harder. So why don't I? It all comes back to me being lazy. Okay, so that's established... on to number two!

I want to know what my gifts are. I want to be established and rooted and to feel fulfilled with what I do.

From this morning's journal entry:
"I want to be all that I can be, but it strikes me that yesterday's and today's writings start with the words 'I want.' And that's no way to approach any problem... You have made me with a slightly different personality than those that I love to hang out with and I'm finding the balance betwen developing that fully and not letting that be my boundaries, very hard to achieve. How do I stretch myself but still use my gifts to the fullest? How do I give 100% and give it all for you and not for me?"

I've been reading through the Purpose Driven Life recently and the chapters that I'm going through right now are about my SHAPE (an acronym for the way that I am created: Spiritual gifts, Heart, Abilities, Personality, Experience).

Put all of this together and thus starts this morning. It was Sunday, and I had gotten an e-mail earlier about some sort of youth meeting to help out with Sunday School, so I attended that. Turns out, I got to teach. Not only teach, but tell a story. And you know what? I did it well. I loved it and it came easily. It was enjoyable and stretching. See the applicability?

Other things happened too:
Helping out a little boy that didn't want to go to Sunday School. Persuading him to give it a try and then creeping out with another little boy who didn't want to go to his Sunday School. Standing next to him and introducing him to his group leader. Acting out the father in the prodigal son skit. Improvising and being an extrovert. An extrovert!

Amazing how all my fear and anxiety, my wonderings and confusions can result in this! He has clearly shown me some of the way He has before me...