Through a Blessing

I opened up my e-mail this morning and found it sitting there.

A small note from my earthly father who is in Europe right now.

And as only one who has been with me from my very beginnings can write, he wrote:

To my own Christa-belle,


Just wanted to bless you with this blessing as you head out to Colombia tomorrow!


May God's love shine brightly through you
 may you take risks
  may you be pushed out of your comfort zone to find your strength in Him and not in the amazing talents you already possess
    and may your choose love over safety, service over comfort, and
      may your heart be broken by the things that break His heart.


I love you very much!


Dad

And these words speak to my heart, so much so that I find tears welling up in my eyes.

Because that's what I've been afraid of these past few days with the time ticking and my heart feeling so unprepared.

I've been scared that I would not let myself be hurt, because of how my heart still hurts for another country that is dear to my heart.

I've been scared that I wouldn't knowlingly let my heart get attached because of the ripping-away that comes later.

But as I read those words, I recognize that it isn't about me in the least.

It's about Him.

It's about how He can take this crumbling mess of doubts and confusions and transform it into a creation that glorifies Him in every action every day.

It's about how He works through  my weaknesses to showcase His strength.

And since it's all about Him, I have nothing to fear.

Absolutely nothing.

Because He will not change, and He will not fail.

And it's all about Him.

Stretch

I've been stretched a lot recently, in many varying ways. I feel like a ball of tortilla dough being rolled to different corners in the hope that I will eventually round out.

Thursday was nerve-racking. Mix together one unprepared Band and choir, a flute that stopped functioning, a band director who was always forgetting to get me another one, having a Colombia meeting that morning and therefore feeling a little scrambled, and walaah... you have my Thursday.

Thankfully, a new flute arrived in time for me to put it together, play a few scales and perform. Yikes. There were also mistakes and glitches in performances, a crowd that giggled at the bumps and people who were new to each program.

But it happened, and getting used to having a new Band and Choir director is easier every day.

Then, English class. Mix together Hamlet, me and my friend M, a group assignment, and her choice of the operatic duet (picture: "Please?? Christy, please!!!" "Fine...."), minor preparation, a CD that was burned with the theme song to the Phantom of the Opera only minutes prior to class, dressing up, and not being able to hear the music and therefore turning it into a gong show. Yes.

Next, this last Saturday. Now, I love my job, don't get me wrong. But expecting to work five hours (the most I had every worked in one stretch with her - normally it's around 3), and then getting it changed to around eight hours? A lot of learning. Huge learning curves, having to work through frustrations with sign languages, having a messed up nap time and bed time (my own fault) and having to detail all the mistakes I had made at the end to her parents (so they would know what was going on... she still wasn't asleep).

Humbling... all of it.

I like my plans, my agenda, my spic and span life, and the way that I think things should go. Perfectly rational, I tell myself. Until He shows up. Ohh.... that sometimes brings me to a screeching halt.

He doesn't want me to be comfortable. Never. Ever.

And I constantly fight that. At every corner, He's dragging me, fighting tooth and nail to stay where I am. But He loves me too much to let me stay where I am. I'm thankful. It hurts. I learn. I grow.

And as soon as I think it's getting easier, He throws something else on my plate. Loverly...

But I wouldn't want it any other way.

Leadership

Starting early tomorrow morning, I am departing to a totally new experience for me. I've always been told that I have the gift of leadership. Hearing this, I turn around and say, "Umm... what???" In the past, I've always thought of myself as a quiet, behind the scenes kind of person. But, recently, I've been learning about a different strain of leadership. A kind of leadership that pulls the strings behind the scenes, uplifts others to do things that they never thought themselves possible of, and in doing so, delegating the tasks so that they're not in front.

Now, I'm not quite capable of either kind of leadership. But I think that I definitely feel more comfortable with the second kind. With this different view on the issue, I'm really looking forward to what these next two days hold. It's only now as I'm getting ready to leave this bubble that I realize how much I have not invested in it. How many opportunities I let slip by when they were so easily at hand, although in my mind they were far above.

I want to learn, but I also want to teach. It's the meeting point of those two ideals that has me very, very excited.

Breaking

It was strange... as if being in that certain place with certain people made me change.

I entered the building, tired after working for a few hours, and was confronted by noisy children, one of those blow-up-jumpy-castles and food. But among all of these were interspersed people that I know. Schoolmates, friends' parents, kids I had babysat. And all of them surrounded me as I fought to find my family.

Coming near that row of bleachers where the others in my class were seated, it was strange to think that tomorrow, I enter back into that world... and then after it's done, I never have to face it again. Of course, I'll have some secondary education of some sort, but not with people who have known me for 6 years of my life.

It's the same way every year. Coming back from the summer, trying to impress others with your tan, or summer vacation, all the while gearing up for a load of school work. Who am I really trying to impress? Am I trying to make them like me? But don't they already? It's a commonly known, though not often exhibited, fact that most people think others are watching them more often then people actually are.

And that's what breaks me from this inward, self-centered, boasting circle that I go in. Everybody feels the same! We all want acceptance, acknowledgements of our gifts and pasts, love even when we don't meet up to others' standards, and being known for who we are inside. It'll be crazy to meet some of these people in heaven and to see the insides of them. If I know them well enough, I already see that, but for those who I don't know so well, it will be very cool.

Having learned so much this summer, having started thinking about how to make this year the most challenging, stretching, learning, applying, daring year that I have yet had, it was hard to enter that building to find that I was reverting.

Reverting to what I was. Or... what I set myself up as. When did that image ever get started? When did people attribute certain things to me? When did I make a box or category for myself? Did I or did others? Needless to say, there are certain things different people are known for. She's musical, he's a math genius, all he cares about is sports, they never really listen, don't do a group project with them... etc. Everybody knows these things. But the thing is... people change. Or... at least they want to.

I've found myself so often held back by others' interpretation of who I am and what I'm made up of. I constantly go back to what I am known for... refusing to grow or to think about doing the things that are not natural to me. But it's those things that aren't easily attainable and that don't show in my everyday life... those are the things that I'm seeking after this year.

So as I left that building, I had to think. How am I going to do this? This wall...this seemingly crystal clear cage that everybody sees through and I see out of, but still surrounds me... how is it to be broken? How is it to be shattered to never rise again? How am I going to prevent another crystal box to take its place? How am I going to make myself ever changing, ever learning, ever being... myself?

It takes energy, planning, initiative, talking to people, doing uncomfortable things. Things that leave me wondering if I'll fail... because I'm not strong. But He is... and I'm hoping (actually, knowing) that when I work together with Him (more like a little child "writing" the alphabet for the first time with the parent really doing all the work and contributing all the skill)... I will be able to break free... forever.

Leap

I held the phone, studying the numbers on the screen. It was an easy link to something that excited me and yet scared me to my very depths. I dialed the first number and got an answering machine, which only served to dampen my spirits even more. Closing my eyes, I talked: Oh, Father.. is this of You? Do you want me to do this? I'm so, so, so incredibly scared. Of what, I'm not really sure. Failure? Hurt pride? Help me! Finally, encouraging myself with thoughts like All she can say is no, and It doesn't hurt to try... I leaped.

Immediately when she picked up, I was scared. But her breezy, "Hello... what can I do for you?" made opening the conversation easier.

"Umm... I was talking to a friend while helping out at Nursery and she said that you might have some aide work for me to do...", etc. And that's where it all came together. She was enthusiastic, she had needed someone badly, and now was just perfect. We arranged a meeting time and as soon as I put down the phone, I was doing a major happy dance along with the words "Hallelujah, grace like rain!"

The meeting was okay. Wasn't easy-breezy, but that's not the way I expected it to be (although I hoped). There were no complaints, just a totally new playing field that I had never had to deal with before. A new person to love, a new place to get to know. I find it incredibly special that I have gotten to work with some of the ones that He holds close to His heart. I see a constant reflection of Him, His ways, and all that He is, in them. They have hearts like a child, and I pray that I might become like them.

I am still scared. Scared to my core. Scared of what might happen; what will happen. Scared of not doing enough.. of not fulfilling all that I know I am capable of... of not giving and loving with all that I am. Scared of not letting Him work His way in me in this situation.

And yet, I am so ecstatic! The way that He has provided.. filling up this week with things to occupy, challenge and provide me. I love that He loves to surprise and delight me. He loves to finish off with a bang... especially when I trust Him (or attempt to).

P.S. Since she has other aides with similar names to mine, guess what I get called? Rose!!! :D

Laughter

We roll on the ground, my friend and I. Doing ridiculous things on her computer, posing for pictures, for which she ducks away. And it's while I fall asleep and listen to her talk, that I thank Him for giving me friends with whom I feel safe.

They're the ones with whom I can share anything and not feel ashamed. To be told their own worries and to see that we're all human. That nothing changes, except that we can choose to judge or to forgive and look beyond. He has blessed me in an overabundance with friends who are willing to draw me close, to forgive my lack of spontaneous calling and excursion planning. To allow me to be me, in all my originality. I only hope that I, in turn, can do the same for them.

To reach out to those whom some may say are unreachable. To push myself beyond the boundaries of my comfort zone to offer the comfort that I've been given. To see their lives changed by simply sharing what I've been given.

One of the greatest gifts that I've been given is laughter. Everyone has it... although, some need it to be unearthed. Sometimes it hides the pain, and sometimes it comes through tears, but laughter is what binds friends.

Scared

As I come back to this life... what used to be my normal, I find it hard to shift gears and fit back into the mold. For I have been molded by a Hand strongly for three weeks, and now the mold doesn't fit just right any more. He's pushed me out of my comfort zone, so much so that I found myself being an extrovert some of the time. But He doesn't change who I am, instead, what I am capable of doing, and what He expects of me. I heard a saying on the last night of Camp at the fireside.
"He doesn't call the qualify; He qualifies the called." It hit me hard, right in the face of all that I had feared coming to Camp. Would I be compassionate enough? Would I reach out? Would I let Him work instead of me? All of these came to pass and I see glimpses of a Plan greater than anything that I am.
And yet, with all that has changed. With new sights, new vision, new presence, new nearness, comes that pivotal point when something needs to bend. Will it be me or the way that I used to live? Will I succumb, or will He overcome?
And that's why I'm scared. Scared that all these lessons will become useless.. that I will slip little by little back into what I used to be.
But, and thank Him for the buts, He will never leave his project unfinished. And so I search my soul, my views, my actions to see what needs to changed so that my life can be affected by all that has happened... that in the end, perfect love will cast out all that fear. Then, scared will be no more.

Expectation

As I leave in the slightly early morning hours of this beautiful Sunday, many emotions trample through my heart. Heading off to camp is an exciting prospect and one I look forward to with joy. But this year, I'm not only a camper...I'm a counselor. If only a Jr. the slight nervousness I feel is not all that unexpected. That God could be directing specific kids to me during the next two weeks and that I could have an impact if I try (whether bad or good) is scary.

Yet He is full of grace and He will guide. It's the resting in that promise that's the hard part. As I leave I want to make sure that my arsenal is full, that I'll know answers, and that I will put myself out there. But it's hard to break old habits. I want to hide behind the high, thick walls of my comfort zone and to stay warm and content back there. But He calls me to more. The life He has called me to means that I should never stay in my comfort zone, and that when I sense it coming, I need to take another big giant step out into the wild unknown.

So, it's with trepidation, fear, trembling.. and yet with a very high, joyful sense of expectation that I embark on this journey. I may not know all the answers, but that will draw some very near. I may not always say what He wants me to, or take the initiative. But it's almost impossible for me to have zero impact... so I go, trusting that resting in His promises will pull me through.