In Their Gifts

The phone rang this morning, as we were about to sit down to eat breakfast.

I picked it up, still wearing my pajamas mid-morning, and saw that it was her number.

Thinking frantically, I don't think that I have to work today... do I?, I answered the phone and heard him speak.

"She just wanted to call you and to talk to you. I don't know if she'll say anything, because she often has the idea but won't talk when the time comes. Here you go!"

And I heard the shuffle of switching the phone into the hands of one who is physically uncoordinated and heard her breathing in and out.

"Hey, monkey!"

She giggles.

And then she starts off with the exchange that summarizes many of our walks together: "Ma-ma!"

To which I respond: "Ba-by!"

"Huuuu-ah"

I copy her and we both laugh.

This one that cannot speak as freely as I do, this one that cannot move as quickly as I can... this is her way of saying, "I love you."

And as this goes back and forth between us a few times, I am so thankful that I have her. That He gave me her.

Thankful that she needs her "Rose fix" some days, and that she feels so loved by me. And in return, I feel so loved by her.

Not a single worry in the world will refuse to fade when she hugs tight and we stand there, her head nestled close, and my chin on top of her head. 

She is such a gift.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It's the day before my birthday, today. 

And my parents took me out for tea and dessert as part of an early birthday present, to talk and to spend quality time together.

Then, in the middle of our discussions about next year, what my year has been like, and anything and everything, my father pulls this out of his pocket. 

 

And its velvet shone as I waited until they gave me the go-ahead to open it. 

And it sits there, all rosy and golden in the sunlight, and I hug tightly these parents that have guided me through almost-seventeen years of life. 

It isn't a purity ring... rather, it is an acknowledgement of how they have held my heart up until now and want to be involved in the process of choosing, when the time comes, when to give it away, and to whom.

And it speaks to me of the love that these two bestest-ever-people have showered into my life, of the regard that they have for who I have become, and their desire for the best to come my way. 

It's more than just a ring... it's a gift of the greatest kind, because it's more than just material.... it's an understanding and a trust.

And I'm so thankful for the gift of people that He continues to bring into my life... including you!

Faithful

Although this new phrase came into my attention more than a week ago, I've simply been either too swamped or lazy to have written anything about it.

Once again, I was flipping through my Bible, looking at all the things that He had shown me while I had read through it (I finished reading through it for the second time this past year). Finding underlined commandments, promises, challenges and everything else that is found in this amazing book.

Somehow the Old Testament has always held a big fascination to me. Looking at my Bible, there is considerably more gilt rubbed off the pages at the top of the first half than in the latter half.

I think it has something to do with promises. 

They're always there, and in times when I feel as if everything else is going downhill, I know that I can claim them and that everything else is under His control. 

And I reached the famous passage of Jeremiah 29:11, and read all three of the verses I had underlined there: 

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NLT)

And as much as the first verse has hit me hard in the past, it was the last one that caught my attention. 

Because there are no ands... no buts... no what ifs. 

If I pursue him wholeheartedly, letting go of all distractions, and search for Him in the brokenness, in the joy, in the pain, in the delight, in the everyday and the ordinary.... I will find Him.

The Creator, Father, Son, Holy Spirit, Lover, Provider, my All in All, and everything else that He is. 

And that's my pursuit this year. 

To seek Him with nothing held back. 

Knowing that I will find Him in the fullness of all that He is. 

Knowing... that He is faithful. 

One Month

It's month since I've met you, beautiful girl. You have a smile that could light up a ballroom and eyes that twinkle with mischief. You have an unbreakable spirit, but you get easily down. You love to have fun and joke around.

I'm so glad that I took that *leap* not so long ago. It's been a wonderful adventure and as the leaves turn crisp and shrivel up, I look forward to it continuing. You're not always easy to be around, you must realize. You throw fits, mess up my schedule and don't always make the best first impression. But I'm on your side.

Sometimes, when you have a one-track mind, I catch myself looking around and wondering Who's watching? Then I look back at you as you dip your head forward and look at the floor. I respond by turning my head upside down to meet your eyes, and you smile. And that smile is what it's all for.

Some may not understand you, but that's alright. I've been so privileged to know you beyond your actions. I'm so glad that I look forward to being with you, that it doesn't seem like a job at all.

I love that you love my family. From the very first, you hugged my mother and that meant a lot to me. It also means a lot, Mom, that you let her in that very first day with no if, ands or buts.

You are capable of so much more and I want to see you grow. I want to push you to where you feel uncomfortable. Never hide behind the title "disabilities," because it's not who you are. You're smile is not disabled and your laughter is most definitely not.

Some may see you as you walk down the street, thinking Wow, what's wrong with her? She's drooling and doesn't walk straight. She'll never be worth anything. Nothing could be less true.

When I see you walking down the street, do you know what I see? I see a heart that is so full of life and laughter. You give so much to your mother and father, I know that you are the apple of their eyes. You give so much to me in allowing me to find my gifts and work along with you to bring you to fuller independence.

You know what? I think God's using you in a mighty and powerful way in my life. Yup! You teach me about patience, *promises* and unconditional love. He is using you mightily as a "grace grower" in my life.

Who am I that I should be ashamed of God's creation? Sure, you don't always act the way I want you to, and I find myself explaining you and your actions more than I want to, but you are so worth it!

I would cover you in stamps and "kisses" if I could!

Your Rose

Promise

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, calming myself as her eyes strayed to the house. The house... the one that has instigated so very many battles between me and her. All because of her longing for "kisses", little pen marks on her hands given by those she loves. Now, the very first time she approached this house, I had no clue was what going on. She wandered purposefully up the porch and knocked in her own way on the front door. After awhile, she started pulling at the screen door and started entering. Now, even I, who knew nothing about her connection to this house, knew that that was not appropriate. I gently nudged her back outside as her eyes wandered, searching for something.

And that something came. In the shape of an elderly man, one who actually goes to my church. He spoke easily with her and had already brought a pen, showing just how well he knew her. She got her mark, gave a few hugs, and several minutes later, we were back walking down the sidewalk. The one aspect of this job that has really challenged me has been the open in-your-face attitude that I have to either explain/condone or attempt to get her to cease... neither of which necessarily always works.

So as her eyes wandered and she started making her sign for wanting more "kisses" or "stamps", I was already gearing up for battle. We had gone through it a few days before. I had followed her, always staying on the side of her that was closest to the house so as to create a physical barrier. Yes, it was partly selfish, and yet it was not. I didn't want the trouble of having to facilitate another meeting and dragging her away at the end, but I also didn't want to presume upon that sweet old man. But really, the defining thought in my mind was that she had to obey me as her authority and now was just as good a time to stress that as any other. So we fought... fought for what must've been almost half an hour or more.

She moved closer, I followed her, blocking her way, all the while talking and trying to dissuade her. Of course, all she could think about was getting that stamp and meeting someone she knew very well. So she constantly made the sign and then iced the performance off with a series of pleases, also signed. I was thankful that she was being polite and I acknowledged that, letting her know that I understood, but my answer was still no and it wasn't about to change. She sat down, pouting... then got back up and tried again. She walked down the sidewalk and then tried to deviate to get back again.

But at the end... I won. She was sullen, but eventually I lured her away with words of other people to be met on Main Street, or activities to be pursued in her own home. Is that fair? Yes, I know that she has a lower intelligence, is easily swayed, has to constantly reminded and thinks through things in a young and childish way. But, just like a child has to learn how to obey and also to understand why they don't get what they want, she had to understand, in whatever limited capacity, that not getting her way is sometimes for the greater good.

All of that leads to today. Wow.. I am long winded! Anyway... we had just exited the place of her employment, and her house was in sight down the sidewalk. But in between was the house and I dreaded another fight. Because I can be strong... but I don't want to be. I didn't want to injure the relationship for the rest of the day and do things that I would regret later on. So I spoke to her slowly and softly: "I know that you want to go get a stamp, but how about not today? Let's let him rest and come back some other time. What if  he's having a nap? Right now we're headed to your house to get you some nice snack. Then we can decide what to do then..." This lured her, but not quite enough... and then it led me into saying something... a promise. "Not today... but the next day that I come over, then we can go over to his house, okay? Next time.. not today, I promise that we will go over and get a stamp."

This seemed to satiate her and we headed to her house. Later on during the few hours I was with her, she tried to get us out of the house just so that she could go get that one stamp. Every time, I asked her,"Did you forget the promise I made? Do you remember?" It would take her awhile, but then her eyes would light up with understanding and she would sign an emphatic "yes" back to me, and continue on with whatever activity she was doing. I'm so glad that she is growing to trust me. And I hope that as I fulfill this promise, her trust will grow even greater.

As I sat there, reminding her constantly, another picture arose.... one of myself. Me.... and the Father. The one that I am to obey, even when I long for something that may be good, but just isn't on His agenda for me.I turn my eyes to this thing that seems overwhelmingly enticing, and as I walk toward it, He places a physical barrier that tells me "no." But I only try harder... I try and explain my way around it... I ask for it in the nicest way possible... I say, "Oh, but then I will do this and this and this for You..." But He doesn't buy it. He knows so much better and I am only a child.

Finally, I rest. I continue on in His plan, but then when I am in valleys, in rough spots, or filled with temptation... that thing comes back to me and I immediately start planning how to pursue it. It's then that He turns in His voice to me and says, "Are you forgetting My promise? Don't you remember?" It takes me awhile, but then I do remember. And when I do, I understand and go back to obeying.

It's been this way with multiple things in my life, but the biggest would probably be returning to Cameroon. My dad is there right now, and I honestly wish that I could've gone with him. Yes, I have a life here... but that place has the other half of my heart beating it there... calling me. And it's not a bad thing. Yet... at this time, it's not good... not yet, anyways. So I must wait, even when I am so thirsty for the sight of that place... wait until His promise comes. Because it will. For He is trustworthy... and in waiting for His promise, my trust grows even greater.

Expectation

As I leave in the slightly early morning hours of this beautiful Sunday, many emotions trample through my heart. Heading off to camp is an exciting prospect and one I look forward to with joy. But this year, I'm not only a camper...I'm a counselor. If only a Jr. the slight nervousness I feel is not all that unexpected. That God could be directing specific kids to me during the next two weeks and that I could have an impact if I try (whether bad or good) is scary.

Yet He is full of grace and He will guide. It's the resting in that promise that's the hard part. As I leave I want to make sure that my arsenal is full, that I'll know answers, and that I will put myself out there. But it's hard to break old habits. I want to hide behind the high, thick walls of my comfort zone and to stay warm and content back there. But He calls me to more. The life He has called me to means that I should never stay in my comfort zone, and that when I sense it coming, I need to take another big giant step out into the wild unknown.

So, it's with trepidation, fear, trembling.. and yet with a very high, joyful sense of expectation that I embark on this journey. I may not know all the answers, but that will draw some very near. I may not always say what He wants me to, or take the initiative. But it's almost impossible for me to have zero impact... so I go, trusting that resting in His promises will pull me through.