In the Panic

It was just hours after I had arrived home, and I had already unpacked a few souvenirs and momentos and was explaining them, when I got around to my bracelets.

One, with the colours of Colombia, a parting gift from Golden Rule, a school that we taught at for two days, and the other, of green leather, with stamps that resemble hearts.

And as I pulled up my sleeves to display them, my heart leaped.

One was there... the other was not.

The absence of the green bracelet instantly started a search through my suitcase and then through my backpack. Running through my mind was: I took it off at the hotel... in Toronto. What if it's still there? Please, please, please, please, PLEASE let it be here somewhere!

And the panic set in and I searched through my bags again, before my gem of a sister asked me if it might be in my pant's pocket. And it was!

The relief that poured through me as I pulled it out, put it on, and had it tied by someone else felt so sweet.

I had been so afraid that this memory of the trip, the person it represented, the things that it reminded me of, would be gone. Forever.

And I know that many of you are waiting for blog posts about Colombia, and I promise... they are coming.

But my first thoughts as I landed on Canadian soil were: I don't want to forget this... any of it. The amazing lessons God's taught me, the people I met, the places I went, the changes that I need to make personally, etc.

It's only been three days... but it's fading. And I want so much for it to be right here and real to me. I'm panicking that some parts will be lost forever... just like I thought that bracelet would be.

I want so desperately to have every aspect of the trip reflected in my life, but I'm scared that I will fail. Big time.

But at the same time that I feel like dreading, I know that He has accomplished some amazing things in my perspective and views through this trip... and His Word speaks to me, telling me, again and again, that it's not about me at all.

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

Through Him, my life will show changes (as long as I help out!).

Through my weakness, He is strong.

And there is no need to panic anymore.

Passion

It's been growing gradually. Taking over my heart. Moment by moment, smile by smile, incident by incident. It's only now, as I read a *blog post* that challenged my very core, that I was faced with something breathtaking. I have been given a passion.

I have always cared for others. I love to work in the background, surprising others by anticipating their needs and fulfilling them. But now a new kind of care has been placed on my heart. One that has snuck up on me, and yet is not a huge surprise.

A passion for the helpless.

They're all around.

Everywhere you look.

Helpless in different ways, but helpless none the less. I've gravitated to a certain brand, however. Those sometimes completely misunderstood because of their differences. Disabilities.

I say it again... disabilities.

I raked leaves at her house today, and it wasn't very long before she was knocking on the window, wanting to see me. She had seen my bike, it was revealed. Her arms opened wide, and she hugged. Oh, does she ever hug. She's the perfect height for it, too. She nestles right in and we just stand there, my head upon hers and my heart feeling oh, so happy.

Why? Because of a passion.

A passion to see the inside, that spark in her eyes, to dig it out and to hold it up proudly to everyone around. A passion to help others see what I see.

I read her *blog post*, having already heard it once. But this time it dug down deeper. Now having worked with someone that requires digging out and refining, I can only appreciate this program so much more. PLEASE read her post, because she puts it so much more eloquently than I could ever say. I will be contributing, if that's the least that I can do.

I logged onto FB, and the very first thing that met my eyes was the encouraging news that one of my classmate's younger sibling's adoption was coming along swiftly. I smiled and replied enthusiastically. But it wasn't just because one more kid was to be given a home to grow up and feel safe in.

It was because he has Down Syndrome. I can just imagine the love and safety that that family holds for one such as him, and I just want to wrap my arms around him, to watch him grow, to see him triumph, to see him LIVE.

A passion.

It scares me. To the VERY CORE. What might a passion do to me? I had it all planned out, little as the planning was. I was going to be normal, follow safe routines, not drop any surprises.

But this? This opens up a door to so much more. Where might this lead me?

I'm almost scared that He's answering my question of "What do you want me to do?" Scared and yet terrifically excited.

Leap

I held the phone, studying the numbers on the screen. It was an easy link to something that excited me and yet scared me to my very depths. I dialed the first number and got an answering machine, which only served to dampen my spirits even more. Closing my eyes, I talked: Oh, Father.. is this of You? Do you want me to do this? I'm so, so, so incredibly scared. Of what, I'm not really sure. Failure? Hurt pride? Help me! Finally, encouraging myself with thoughts like All she can say is no, and It doesn't hurt to try... I leaped.

Immediately when she picked up, I was scared. But her breezy, "Hello... what can I do for you?" made opening the conversation easier.

"Umm... I was talking to a friend while helping out at Nursery and she said that you might have some aide work for me to do...", etc. And that's where it all came together. She was enthusiastic, she had needed someone badly, and now was just perfect. We arranged a meeting time and as soon as I put down the phone, I was doing a major happy dance along with the words "Hallelujah, grace like rain!"

The meeting was okay. Wasn't easy-breezy, but that's not the way I expected it to be (although I hoped). There were no complaints, just a totally new playing field that I had never had to deal with before. A new person to love, a new place to get to know. I find it incredibly special that I have gotten to work with some of the ones that He holds close to His heart. I see a constant reflection of Him, His ways, and all that He is, in them. They have hearts like a child, and I pray that I might become like them.

I am still scared. Scared to my core. Scared of what might happen; what will happen. Scared of not doing enough.. of not fulfilling all that I know I am capable of... of not giving and loving with all that I am. Scared of not letting Him work His way in me in this situation.

And yet, I am so ecstatic! The way that He has provided.. filling up this week with things to occupy, challenge and provide me. I love that He loves to surprise and delight me. He loves to finish off with a bang... especially when I trust Him (or attempt to).

P.S. Since she has other aides with similar names to mine, guess what I get called? Rose!!! :D

Scared

As I come back to this life... what used to be my normal, I find it hard to shift gears and fit back into the mold. For I have been molded by a Hand strongly for three weeks, and now the mold doesn't fit just right any more. He's pushed me out of my comfort zone, so much so that I found myself being an extrovert some of the time. But He doesn't change who I am, instead, what I am capable of doing, and what He expects of me. I heard a saying on the last night of Camp at the fireside.
"He doesn't call the qualify; He qualifies the called." It hit me hard, right in the face of all that I had feared coming to Camp. Would I be compassionate enough? Would I reach out? Would I let Him work instead of me? All of these came to pass and I see glimpses of a Plan greater than anything that I am.
And yet, with all that has changed. With new sights, new vision, new presence, new nearness, comes that pivotal point when something needs to bend. Will it be me or the way that I used to live? Will I succumb, or will He overcome?
And that's why I'm scared. Scared that all these lessons will become useless.. that I will slip little by little back into what I used to be.
But, and thank Him for the buts, He will never leave his project unfinished. And so I search my soul, my views, my actions to see what needs to changed so that my life can be affected by all that has happened... that in the end, perfect love will cast out all that fear. Then, scared will be no more.