Wasting Nothing

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I was talking to a dear friend of mine last night, who is going through some deep issues within their family. And tears seem to be the easiest response when life seems to go in the opposite direction than we thought it would.

So I shared with her a song that I heard first in another blogger's post.

Nothing is wasted.

And it's incredible for me to look back on that Thing That Took Me Away. It doesn't cause hurt or pain or bitterness when I recall it, though. Instead, I see the entire situation gilded with glory and creased with signs of care by One who knew exactly what He was doing.

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. (James 1:2-4, NLT)

Having a sister who was considered by some to be disabled for a time? Gave me a heart for those the world see as disabled, and enabled God to show me a passion I didn't know was there.

Not being able to go to the MK boarding school in the capital city that I was looking forward to? Being placed in a school that allowed me to learn how to play the flute and tour with a choir for three years, plus many other opportunities, eventually leading to going to Millar.

Having an interview yesterday and it immediately ending after hearing that I've committed to going to Bible Camp this summer? Provides a way for God to work in something that's building up to blow me away with His grace.

If I just allow myself to see it that way, instead of what the surface seems like. It's sometimes easy to forget that He still knows what He's doing.

Each day, when I come upon those small disappointments or hard conversations or burdens from a friend, He is the only One who can hold and gather each broken piece.

His Arms are big enough, and His heart is deep enough.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing that He does not use in my daily life. No incident comes into my life that He does not put there for a purpose, and He is faithful to use the most broken parts of us to bring the most glory to Himself.

What about you? Anything, absolutely anything you're going through, He knows. He's already in there, He's got it under control.

Nothing is wasted.

In A New Year

I struggle with what to write, trying to sum up the feeling of anticipation and yet the vacuous waiting for yet another day to come. It's just another day, and yet it's more.

Symbolism of freedom in His new mercies every morning. It shouldn't just be today that I feel an unblemished scroll laid out ahead of me, waiting to be filled with my thoughts, my actions, my dreams.

Everyday is new in His eyes.

And I can't do it... I just can't.

There is so much I aspire to be, so much that I wish I could change about myself in just the snapping of fingers or the twinkle of an eye. So many habits I wish that I could initiate and keep up. So many words that need to be tempered with a kind spirit that I find so lacking in myself. So many things that shouldn't enter my ears, my eyes, my thoughts. So much that I long to change, and yet I know from this past year that I. can't. do. it.

But you wanna know the biggest thing that I learned about God this past year?

He. is.

He is the great I AM. The One who can take every crummy, gross corner of my life, and somehow shape me in a truer form of His Son.

I can't make myself new. He can. And I'm still learning how to lay it all down at His feet and to come to the place of battle and yet stop and hand everything over to Him and say, "It's all yours."

He called me last year to seek after Him. And as I look over some of my past posts, it's crazy how He's revealed Himself more fully in my life.

And this year?

The seeking doesn't end:

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Matthew 6:33 (NLT)

But more than that, He calls me to delight myself in Him:

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires." Psalm 37:4 (NLT)

And as I look outside on this day like every other day and yet the first in this new year of 2013, I can't believe that He delights in me:

"The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand." Psalm 37:23-24 (NLT)

He, the Lord of all creation, delights in me. In me! In watching me go through every day, and seeing my little quirks, smiling at the way that He made me. And I long to learn what it means to delight in Him. The One who is the ultimate delight. To laugh because of His goodness and to just feel that overwhelming joy that can be found in being in His presence in complete brokenness and openness. To go throughout each day, longing to know more of Him and to be found fully in Him, to be in His presence and to never want to leave.

And I've never been a big fan of New Year's resolutions, maybe as a result of their oft-proclaimed tendency to fall flat on their faces. But as I start this year, there are things that I want to focus on, things that I feel I will be drawing myself back to constantly:

~let God define who I am. Too easily, I let society or even myself, tell me that, oh, you can't do that, because you're an introvert, or, who do you think you are? beloved, beautiful? psshh... no. or you've failed at that before, who are you to think that you can succeed this time, and so much more. Yes, I have been made with specific traits, and yet they are to be used for His glory and never as a shield for stepping out of my comfort zone.

~live with purposeful relationships and actions. Once again, it is so easy to let the everyday slip by, and sometimes I find myself with my head on my pillow at the end of the day wondering what I really accomplished in the light of eternity. And this is linked to the statement up above, and 2 Timothy 1:7 comes to mind. For God has not given [me] a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. In His power, I can answer those divine appointments He puts in my path, I can say good morning to that person I never talk to, I can increase my circle of friends, I can keep up with people from home and be willing to make things awkward for a time if that means fruit later on.

In all of this, I'll fail. I know it. It's kind of disappointing sometimes to realize that we'll never be perfect until heaven, but at the same time, it's comforting. He's not done working in my life... He's not done showing me how imperfect I am, and how perfect He is.

He's still showing me that I can't... but He can.

Worthy

So often I find myself caught up in the mundane.

I go day by day, not realizing that He has so much more waiting for me, feeling almost as if I’m intruding when I ask to feel His presence and that He’ll come near when He feels like it. Other times, it feels as if I’m chipping away at a rock wall and after a while it gets tiring so I stop and go about my normal day until it’s time for devotions again.

It’s as if I’m so focused on my own little world that I cease to realize that He stands before me simply wanting me to rest and come into His presence and be.

We had a worship night the other night and as the worship set started, I felt dead. I felt like I didn’t know whether I was going to meet with God or not. But as the songs kept on coming, it hit me that I was the only one keeping me from coming near Him. I needed to come with expectation and realize that He longs to work in the lives of His children.

Sometimes I get caught up in the mundane, and my relationship with Him becomes a task instead of the thing that the rest of my day rides on. He is worthy. SO worthy. Of every moment, every thought, every action. It is not a task or burden to give all of my life over to Him, rather it is a pleasure.  And I can’t do it on my own, I need to let Him give me new eyes for every day and every situation.

He is the one who has called me to a life that may not be easy by the world's standards, and yet is easy because I do not need to doubt or worry about anything, for I am held in the hands of the ultimate Provider. He is the one who calls me to dance with Him as a daughter dances with her father. He is the one who dries my tears and hears my heart's every cry, He is the one who laughs at my joys and knows my pains. He is the one who has formed my every part, He is the one who has redeemed me from a life of overwhelming sin and brought me to a life of light. 

My life is not my own, and I will not begrudge the King of Kings every aspect of my every day, for He IS worthy.

"You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being." (Revelation 4:11, NIV)

In Their Gifts

The phone rang this morning, as we were about to sit down to eat breakfast.

I picked it up, still wearing my pajamas mid-morning, and saw that it was her number.

Thinking frantically, I don't think that I have to work today... do I?, I answered the phone and heard him speak.

"She just wanted to call you and to talk to you. I don't know if she'll say anything, because she often has the idea but won't talk when the time comes. Here you go!"

And I heard the shuffle of switching the phone into the hands of one who is physically uncoordinated and heard her breathing in and out.

"Hey, monkey!"

She giggles.

And then she starts off with the exchange that summarizes many of our walks together: "Ma-ma!"

To which I respond: "Ba-by!"

"Huuuu-ah"

I copy her and we both laugh.

This one that cannot speak as freely as I do, this one that cannot move as quickly as I can... this is her way of saying, "I love you."

And as this goes back and forth between us a few times, I am so thankful that I have her. That He gave me her.

Thankful that she needs her "Rose fix" some days, and that she feels so loved by me. And in return, I feel so loved by her.

Not a single worry in the world will refuse to fade when she hugs tight and we stand there, her head nestled close, and my chin on top of her head. 

She is such a gift.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It's the day before my birthday, today. 

And my parents took me out for tea and dessert as part of an early birthday present, to talk and to spend quality time together.

Then, in the middle of our discussions about next year, what my year has been like, and anything and everything, my father pulls this out of his pocket. 

 

And its velvet shone as I waited until they gave me the go-ahead to open it. 

And it sits there, all rosy and golden in the sunlight, and I hug tightly these parents that have guided me through almost-seventeen years of life. 

It isn't a purity ring... rather, it is an acknowledgement of how they have held my heart up until now and want to be involved in the process of choosing, when the time comes, when to give it away, and to whom.

And it speaks to me of the love that these two bestest-ever-people have showered into my life, of the regard that they have for who I have become, and their desire for the best to come my way. 

It's more than just a ring... it's a gift of the greatest kind, because it's more than just material.... it's an understanding and a trust.

And I'm so thankful for the gift of people that He continues to bring into my life... including you!

In Feeling Lost

I was heading out the door the other day when I heard their voices.

Voices speaking what may seem like gibberish until placed into the right context.

"J 10"
"Miss! How about I 5"
"Hit! No fair!"

And as I closed the door behind me and began walking through the semi-wintry world to a friend's house, I felt a common bond with that game of Battleship being played.

You know that feeling when you hit one of your opponent's ships and then spend the next few turns destroying it?

Well, that's what it felt like to be in Colombia. Not the destroying part, but the sense of purpose, of having your next turn planned out.

You know that feeling when you just finished destroying someone's ship and then you spend the next few turns floundering around the board, trying to find another one to destroy?

Well, that's what I feel like right now. As if I don't have a solid purpose or reason to fulfill each day and that I'm just floating about doing whatever needs to be done, but not accomplishing anything concrete.

And as I was feeling this way, I flipped open my Bible, and it opened to Isaiah 56:1-2:

"Be just and fair to all. Do what is right and good, for I am coming soon to rescue you and to display my righteousness among you. Blessed are all those who are careful to do this. Blessed are those who honor my Sabbath days of rest and keep themselves from doing wrong."

It was if He was saying: "Do the little things. Lay a firm foundation. I will reward your faithfulness with bigger things. Right now, be strong and faithful in whatever I place in your way."

I may not have a big project or "mission", but I do have the words and commandments that He has given me through His Word.

So, right now, even when I am feeling lost, I find myself on the firm foundation of obeying what He has given me.... and waiting for more.

Leap

I held the phone, studying the numbers on the screen. It was an easy link to something that excited me and yet scared me to my very depths. I dialed the first number and got an answering machine, which only served to dampen my spirits even more. Closing my eyes, I talked: Oh, Father.. is this of You? Do you want me to do this? I'm so, so, so incredibly scared. Of what, I'm not really sure. Failure? Hurt pride? Help me! Finally, encouraging myself with thoughts like All she can say is no, and It doesn't hurt to try... I leaped.

Immediately when she picked up, I was scared. But her breezy, "Hello... what can I do for you?" made opening the conversation easier.

"Umm... I was talking to a friend while helping out at Nursery and she said that you might have some aide work for me to do...", etc. And that's where it all came together. She was enthusiastic, she had needed someone badly, and now was just perfect. We arranged a meeting time and as soon as I put down the phone, I was doing a major happy dance along with the words "Hallelujah, grace like rain!"

The meeting was okay. Wasn't easy-breezy, but that's not the way I expected it to be (although I hoped). There were no complaints, just a totally new playing field that I had never had to deal with before. A new person to love, a new place to get to know. I find it incredibly special that I have gotten to work with some of the ones that He holds close to His heart. I see a constant reflection of Him, His ways, and all that He is, in them. They have hearts like a child, and I pray that I might become like them.

I am still scared. Scared to my core. Scared of what might happen; what will happen. Scared of not doing enough.. of not fulfilling all that I know I am capable of... of not giving and loving with all that I am. Scared of not letting Him work His way in me in this situation.

And yet, I am so ecstatic! The way that He has provided.. filling up this week with things to occupy, challenge and provide me. I love that He loves to surprise and delight me. He loves to finish off with a bang... especially when I trust Him (or attempt to).

P.S. Since she has other aides with similar names to mine, guess what I get called? Rose!!! :D

Struggling

I have so many doubts... so many fears. I wish I lived in a bubble sometimes, not having to care about anything but what to do next. But what is life but the adventure of living, surviving, getting through? With only a few weeks left until school starts, I'm struggling with how He provides. I knew that He wanted to me go to Colombia.. but now? It seems like money is trickling in. Where's the line between trusting and trying? For putting myself out there?

And yet, another struggle. One that will last just as long. How important is He to me? How much do I value His holiness? A few friends asked me the other day to participate in an event with them, and I was surprised, but very happy. And then comes the news... it takes place on a Sunday. Questions immediately fill my mind. Why is the Sabbath holy anyway? What is it about it that I shouldn't do a race on it? Talking to my parents, getting their views.. it's all so confusing but something that I need to determine for myself. What is my stance on Sundays? As a family, we try to not go out to places to eat, and instead stay home and rest, maybe do some family things. As kids, we're not "allowed" to do homework. It's not a law, but something that we try and do to honor Him and to give ourselves a rest.

But what about me? Personally? It's so much easier when it's someone else holding a law or line above your head instead of yourself. Because then you start to wiggle, question, try to squirm around it, put it off until next time, so that eventually, it's not effective at all anymore. This issue about Sunday and what my views about how I personally am going to respect it .... is causing me to struggle. Because I want to be with my friends sooo badly. And yet I recognize that He may want something different from me. Would I be willing to give up spending time with my friends if it means keeping the Sabbath holy? How important is He to me?

As I start to do a topical study on it, just with the small concordance my Bible has in the back, certain words are brought up again and again. Holy... honor... rest... Where do they all come together? Ultimately, it's a fight between me doing what I want, or the possibility of Him asking me to do what I don't want. This is what it means to follow Him: laying down myself, knowing that He is better.

And yet, to find peace in whatever decision that He brings. To stand firm and to not sway. To find the line between "if I do this... but, this..." and working something out. I sit here, struggling... knowing that He knows.

Answers

With this year of Grade 12 looming in front of me, I've had to really bring a lot of things in front of His feet and sit and listen. I want to do well academically, although I don't want my competitive nature to be able to extinguish what I do have of a social life. I want to give myself time and yet fill it with fun and fulfilling things to do. Most of all, I don't want to look back at my Grade 12 year and wish that I had done things differently.

One of the biggest decisions that I had facing me was the decision of whether or not I should be involved in Bible Quizzing this year. For all of you who have never heard of it... learn about it! I first was involved in Grade six as a rookie and have now passed on to the senior divisions. And yet, it consumes a large amount of time. Time spent memorizing verses, going over questions, getting multiple answer chapter verse reference questions down pat (now, no one but quizzers can fully understand what that means) and going over key words. It fills up an evening a week, joining together as a team and practicing. There are weekend tournaments and review nights. You need to review verses, say them three weeks in a row. Oh, and not only that, but there are levels of memory. And me being me, I want to do and be the best at something that I try, not stay where it's easier, which means more time spent memorizing and reviewing.

But, at the end of this year of Bible Quizzing, at Nakamun, I was struggling with this issue. All around me, I could see people changed by simply memorizing 45 verses in a year. And yet, there were around 30 people in Alberta who memorized every single word in the book of John. Amazing! Being around those of a similar faith and of similar commitment to putting His words into their hearts does something to you. It makes you feel safe and accepted, as well as being able to prove yourself on grounds other than academics, looks or personality. There is a community...a family even.

During the summer, my fervor waned as I realized just how much I had stacked against me. I had filled my schedule with every single course possibility that I could take and now was thinking about the time commitment it would take to make it a fun (as opposed to stressful) year. Add to that other things, say a Bible Study, maybe a job, His Singers (I hope), Band practice hours, etc... I could just see my time wasting away and the first thing that I was eager to scrap was Bible Quizzing. Why? Because, honestly, I haven't been able to hold myself up to my standards of "if I'm doing this, I'm doing this so well that others will take notice of me".. in fact, I was doing normal... unnoticeably normal. Which, obviously, was my pride speaking.

Then, comes in this morning. I had prayed, going through the things that I needed wisdom for, trying to lay them at His feet, while at the same time keeping my pinky finger curled around the edge, ready to pull it back. Then, I went to my Bible. I had just finished my daily Bible reading plan a few days ago and was searching for a passage to read. Thinking about all the things that I had to make decisions about and soon, I turned to Proverbs, which, to my mind, was the place to go if I was looking for wisdom. Starting from the beginning, I started flipping through, and something caught my eye right away. It was the subtitle above Proverbs 3, which read Trusting in the Lord. Okay, I thought, I'll give this one a shot.

And then... oh, just then, I read verse 1:

"My child, never forget the things I have taught you. Store my commands in your heart."

Guess what hit me... really, really hard. Here I was, quibbling over what I would have time for, when really, what I should have worried about was where my priorities had gone. Was I really so far gone that I was considering cutting out what might be the thing through which He taught me the most important lessons that I need to learn, such as humility, grace, patience, mercy, and more? It made me shocked at what I had been thinking, and I immediately underlined this part of the verse.

Moving on to verse 2:

"If you do this, you will live many years, and your life will be satisfying."

What had I been looking for? For fun; for fulfillment. And what was He promising here? His satisfaction.. His peace.. what more do I need? I am so glad that He gives answers when I am still...

Fear

Fear...

The word that embodies everything I feel when I am exposed to be insecure and weak. It's at these times that I wonder what I'm made of. After all, if I can so easily fear, what have I learned in life? It's not as if I've conquered much if the same fear can come back time and time again to make me shrivel up and hide in a corner.

Fear. Fear of being misunderstood, of being seen as incapable, of being untalented, ungodly, a bad example, and everything else that comes with being alive. The fear that sometimes rules my thoughts, actions and words, although it shouldn't. Afraid of what might come, and yet afraid to stay the same.

And yet... what is the antithesis of fear? Most things have an immediate equal and opposite reaction word inside of our heads, and yet.. fear? Is it... could it... maybe be trust? At first glance, it makes me turn away, afraid once again. What is trust after all but the letting down of barriers, of risking all, especially to be disappointed and hurt, but to never fear again?

Because, in some ways, perfect trust casts out all fear, as the saying goes for love. To trust someone is to place in their possession the very things that I am afraid the world might see, the weaknesses, the imperfections, the mistakes. To give them the ability to hurt me in the ways that I am afraid of.

These fears that I hold, these inconsistencies that I hide, these showings of who I really am, a base, evil, sinful human being... aren't easy to share with just anyone. But who is He, but Someone? As I have been struggling to let this thing go, I think back to what has happened in the past with trust issues and find it all the same. I never give up easily, and I never turn right to Him when something comes up. It's discouraging to think that I have never once, really and truly, trusted Him to the completion of a problem.

Oh, sure, I put it into His hands, and was still for awhile, going along with life. But then, I began to murmur, complain, worry, and the stillness was broken. That solid foundation of being still and trusting all the He was and is and has done and will do was being shaken. And I was the one doing it! I grabbed the problem out of His hands, and set to trying to fix it myself, worrying when things wouldn't turn out right.

But time and time again, He's proved me wrong. As I knew He would at the very beginning. It seems that I am destined to repeat the same mistake over and over with no experience gleaned or lessons applied. For this is what life is for. It's so discouraging to think that He's working a work in me and that I'm standing in the way. What would it take for me to be completely still... to be silent... to trust? I fear too much...