A Paradox

It's one of those things that I've always struggled with and a friend showed me something she had written that really made me stop and smile and ponder the paradox once again...

The little girl peeked into the room - eyes wide. And she was right to be amazed, for she was looking into the very throne room of God Almighty! All around she saw angels, cherubim, seraphim and other beings whose only task was to glorify God. They were fantastic to behold and so totally foreign to the little girl that she shrunk back. Then she saw what they were doing. All of the array of angels and creatures in the little girl's view were doing exactly the same thing - they were bowing down and crying out, "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty!" 

Finally the little girl's attention was caught by the one she'd come looking for. On His throne that I looked as if it were made of sapphire was God Almighty, the Creator of heaven and earth, and He was beckoning to her. The little girl squealed and ran to Him - heedless of the countless others in the room. The Lord laughed as He called her name and scooped her up in His arms. His voice - like the sound of rushing water - and her little bell-like laugh blended into each other to create one of His favourite sounds - Joy and Love. "I love you, my little princess," He said as He sat back down, still holding her in His arms. His attention was all hers as she smiled up into His face. "I love you too," she replied as she snuggled into His lap - completely content.

{by Bethany Unrau}

Come in awe and yet with confidence... what a mystery.

One that we're called to revel in. 

In Her Eyes

To my Munchkin:

You sat there on the bed, head bent down, resting. Your normally rambunctious spirit is growing up into a joyful, somewhat more subdued one. And I settle myself on the floor and look up into your eyes.

And I see need.

And so I fulfill it. "God loves you SOO much. Did you know that? And Rose loves you SOO much too." Your smile begins to creep across your face and your eyes change.
"Your Mum and Dad also love you. Your sister too, your helpers at work, the people you talk to in the middle of the street."
"They love you because of your smile..." You grin. "Because of your joy, because of your hugs, and because of who you are."

"You're growing up into a beautiful young lady." You points to herself, and I nod. "Yes, you."

And it's your eyes that have me captivated. Those eyes that can be green or blue depending on when and how I see them. They can be mischievous, sorry, joyful, sad, happy, angry, pouting, or needful.

And they tell me of a longing that some may see as unnecessary given your "disabilities."

They tell me of the longing to be loved for who you are inside. For who you are honestly, when everything that stands in the way is stripped away and your personality stands quivering under examination.

And I have come to know you for who you really are. I still find if funny how we can walk down a street hand in hand, honest-to-goodness having a conversation without you saying a word.

Your hands, your communication to the outside world... they are beautiful. People stare and I just smile back. Having known you, I wouldn't trade any of the misunderstandings, embarrassments, or frustrations for any of the hugs, tears of joy, laughs, conversations, walks, and moments that we have had together.

How little I knew when I first walked into your home so many months ago.

And how much I still have to learn about you.

How often have you had someone tell you what a beautiful person you are inside and out?

I don't think you realize how much of a gift you are to me. How much you've taught me in the eight or so months that we've known each other.

And I hope that I can give a little bit of that gift back to you. Affirming instead of reprimanding you. Giving you tough love when you need it, but also giving you new challenges to overcome.

To encourage you to grow and to not hold you back in the little box of what you are now when your potential is huge.

It's such a privilege to get to know you. When I spend time with you, the outside world stops. Number one, because you never hold to anyone's schedule but your own, so I've given up trying. But, number two, because being with you teaches me again and again what is important in the world.

I hope that I never lose your friendship, your trust, or your laughter.

But most of all, I hope that I never lose being able to see your eyes.... and through them.

~ Your Rose

As He Answers

I stood there at the foosball table, eyes roaming over the building scattered about with children playing, laughing... being engaged in activities. And as I waited for the next person to come along who would claim my attention, I prayed.

Leading up to this day, we had been told to pray constantly for these kids who were coming for the first time to this ministry.

So I sat there, bathing each precious face in prayer and begging Him to act on His promise of a future and a hope, of good and not evil.

And as I stood there, I heard the words.

Words mingled with music, laughter, shouting, words of instruction.... words that meant so much.

"I called, You answered. And You came to my rescue and I wanna be where You are..."

Repeated over and over and over.

Speaking of the power of One who does listen to prayers, but, even more, answers them. And even though these kids have been placed in a situation that seems desperate.... He knows.

He cares.... He loves... He answers.

And as I'm gone, and am physically too far away to lift up each face and to see that smile, and to shiver with joy inside at the beauty that He's made... I'm never too far away to pray.

I sit here, remembering all that has gone on... thinking with incredulity that two weeks ago, I was there.

And as He answers prayer about this summer, about who He is, about people that are close to my heart... He also answers my prayer for these ministries, for those godly people, for those children still there.

I'm learning a little bit day by day, what "pray without ceasing" means.

What talking, conversing, sharing, laughing at quirks, rejoicing... every moment... means.

And I'm learning how much He loves to hear my voice.

He loves to hear yours, too.

I can just imagine the smile that comes to His face when we bring Him the beautiful, the ugly, the snarls, the sweet sorrows, the pain.... our lives.

And I can just imagine Him saying in a voice just above a whisper, "My precious one... I love to hear you speak. To hear you say that your heart rejoices in what I have made, to hear it break for others less fortunate than you. But know... I made them, too. So don't worry.... I've got it covered."

So, although I remember their faces, I also remember that they are even more ever-present in His mind.

And I can let go of any worries that I hold.

And pray... knowing that He will, He does, He is going to... answer.

Magical

Rewind six years. Picture a little ten-year old Christy running around, twirling in the front yard under the sprinkling snow. It had been four years since I had last seen this white, chilling stuff known as snow flakes. Mysterious little flakes that landed and then disappeared, but at other times piled up to become huge snow banks.

Christmas in Cameroon is so different than here. I grew up singing Jingle Bells in 30 degree weather, for goodness sake. It's still celebrated, but in a completely different fashion. The missionary families were the only ones with Christmas trees up and gifts under them.

Shopping for those gifts was half the excitement of the season. Piling into the Land Cruiser, we would travel to the nearest town (about 40-ish minutes away in dry season) and arrive at the outdoor market. As soon as you arrive, your ears are full of vendors' cries, the smell of frying food, the bright colors of plastics and people moving everywhere.

You squeeze among the congested pathways inbetween vendors selling everything from underwear to luggage. The tricky thing is to switch off parents at the right time, so nobody completely knows what you're buying. Plus, then you don't get ripped off because you're white.

But my best memories of Christmas was dancing madly to the Nutcracker and making up my own ballerina moves. I thought that I was so unbelievably cool.

Now, zoom back to present. I've lived here three years. If I was interview myself for each of those three years:

First year: "Magical! I mean, snow... what a concept! It really isn't coconut shavings after all!"

Second year: "Sweet... I get to wear a coat to school and walk/beg a ride (please read the sarcasm into this). It'll only last a whole six months of the year. Maybe I'll get to do a Winter Olympics Theme for my birthday (which is in March), like I did in Grade six!"

Third/this year: "Are you SERIOUS!?! Okay, snowflakes are cool and all... but really??? Flip-flops, runners, you are now condemned into the shed. Fuzzy sweaters and boots, your time has come..."

Once again, the old adage "Familiarity breeds contempt" comes into play. Even though I've only lived here for three years, the snow is starting to grate on my nerves.

I'm learning to take a step back and to realize how amazing it really is. I mean, seriously? Snow! What a cool concept, God!

This Christmas, I want my amazement and credulity to be not only at the snow and the changes in nature all around, but also to what the season focuses on.... Him. Now, that is truly magical.

One Month

It's month since I've met you, beautiful girl. You have a smile that could light up a ballroom and eyes that twinkle with mischief. You have an unbreakable spirit, but you get easily down. You love to have fun and joke around.

I'm so glad that I took that *leap* not so long ago. It's been a wonderful adventure and as the leaves turn crisp and shrivel up, I look forward to it continuing. You're not always easy to be around, you must realize. You throw fits, mess up my schedule and don't always make the best first impression. But I'm on your side.

Sometimes, when you have a one-track mind, I catch myself looking around and wondering Who's watching? Then I look back at you as you dip your head forward and look at the floor. I respond by turning my head upside down to meet your eyes, and you smile. And that smile is what it's all for.

Some may not understand you, but that's alright. I've been so privileged to know you beyond your actions. I'm so glad that I look forward to being with you, that it doesn't seem like a job at all.

I love that you love my family. From the very first, you hugged my mother and that meant a lot to me. It also means a lot, Mom, that you let her in that very first day with no if, ands or buts.

You are capable of so much more and I want to see you grow. I want to push you to where you feel uncomfortable. Never hide behind the title "disabilities," because it's not who you are. You're smile is not disabled and your laughter is most definitely not.

Some may see you as you walk down the street, thinking Wow, what's wrong with her? She's drooling and doesn't walk straight. She'll never be worth anything. Nothing could be less true.

When I see you walking down the street, do you know what I see? I see a heart that is so full of life and laughter. You give so much to your mother and father, I know that you are the apple of their eyes. You give so much to me in allowing me to find my gifts and work along with you to bring you to fuller independence.

You know what? I think God's using you in a mighty and powerful way in my life. Yup! You teach me about patience, *promises* and unconditional love. He is using you mightily as a "grace grower" in my life.

Who am I that I should be ashamed of God's creation? Sure, you don't always act the way I want you to, and I find myself explaining you and your actions more than I want to, but you are so worth it!

I would cover you in stamps and "kisses" if I could!

Your Rose

Bliss

These past few days have been filled with friends. Other things, too, but friends above all things. It's in this year that I've purposed to spend time with friends and developing relationships more than homework, even though this year is the only one when homework has taken a serious hold of my life.

We met together, us, the three musketeers, dressed up all pretty and eating pizza and doing Chem homework. We sat around that kitchen table, scratching our heads, all the while celebrating the beautiful passing on of another year for one of us. We drove into C-city and went through Bio notes on the way. I think that one of the marks of true friendship is being able to laugh while doing the most boring things in the world, just enjoying being with each other. Stopping and walking above a street in a tunnel of rainbow, heels that hurt, tickets gotten, escalators (escalators!!) {what do you do with escalators? walk? ride?} done with, and sitting in seats, excitement tinging our voices. Pointing out this violin, and that flute. The massive choir that walked in. And then, the joyful sounds of Beethoven's Ode to Joy.

We laughed, we smiled, we absorbed, we mocked, we stifled giggles at the opportune (or should I say inopportune?) sneeze that made the whole performance memorable. Stopping at Timmy's on the way back and being the only customers in the entire store. Being dropped off and falling into bed, content to sleep and sleep. Waking up to a clock that reads an hour later than what I wish it did, scrambling to get to school, still doing well on a Bio quiz. Talking to people, making amigo 1 jump every time I mentioned the choir list being posted, trying not to fall asleep.

And then the moments of uncertainty... of a dear friend that stepped up and helped out in one of the moments when I feel the weakest. I don't like not knowing... at all. I start freaking out and feeling awkward and uncertain. Yay for people with cell phones! Driving in a pick up truck, wind going through my hair, the smell of harvest, blasting country songs accompanied by laughter. Picking camomile by the hour, spending time in a heart to heart with another dear friend. Sharing garbage bags, completing swaths, joking around with the hockey guys, laughing, finding ladybugs. Grass stained hands and shoes, water that tasted wonderful, and driving home.

The suggestion for Subway, the friends we met when we went there. The joy and the laughter, my disheveled appearance and the chocolate milk that followed. The sweet knowing that nothing can stop this moment. That is why I'm alive. That He placed me here for this moment. These moments.

It's been my very own Ode to Joy, really. It's been crazy. I'm half asleep, my clothes are all dusty with walking through fields, my homework is in my backpack, there are things to be done, sleep to be pursued, tomorrow to look forward to. But it's bliss.... pure, clear, ethereal bliss! And it's in these moments that life comes alive. Life is not made in the quiet mundane days that occupy the span of my years, but the bright, the crazy, the happiness that friends bring.

Through this all I can't help imagining how great heaven will be. Honestly, there were times today that I thought, This is as good as it gets! But then I had to stop myself, because it gets way better. He has so much in store for me, and I'm so excited!