In the Everyday

I have nothing inspiring to write. Nothing enlightening to say. But I should keep up with my resolution and since the audio for my testimony still doesn't want to load... grr... I'm just going to put up a compilation of my everyday. Have a look!

Take what I read this morning: {Warning and reward, hope and humbleness}
You adulterers! Don't you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God? Again, I say it again: If you want to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God. What do you think the Scriptures mean when they say that the spirit God has placed within us is filled with envy? But he gives us even more grace to stand against such evil desires. As the Scriptures say: "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands you sinners, purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up in honor.
~ (James 4:4-10 - NLT)

Add the fact that spring has, in fact, arrived! Although a few days this week seem to think otherwise...

Mix in a poem or two:

It's Dark In Here
by Shel Silverstein

I am writing these poems

From inside of a lion.

And it's rather dark in here.

So please excuse the handwriting

Which may not be too clear.

But this afternoon by the lion's cage

I'm afraid I got too near.

And I'm writing these lines

From inside a lion,

And it's rather dark in here

{Insert "Social 30" for "lion" and you'll see why the poem above is applicable}

True Story
by Shel Silverstein

This morning I jumped on my horse

And went out for a ride,

And some wild outlaws chased me

And they shot me in the side.

So I crawled into the wildcat's cave

To find a place to hide,

But some pirates found me sleeping there

And soon they had me tied

To a pole and built a fire

Under me -- I almost cried

Till a mermaid came and cut me loose

And begged to be my bride,

So I said I'd come back Wednesday

But I must admit I lied.

Then I ran into a jungle swamp

But I forgot my guide

And I stepped into some quicksand

And no matter how I tried

I couldn't get out, until I met

A water snake named Clyde,

Who pulled me to some cannibals

Who planned to have me fried

But an eagle came and swooped me up

And through the air we flied,

But he dropped me in a boiling lake

A thousand miles wide.

And you'll never guess what I did then --

I DIED.

{That one was for sheer hilarious value. I love his poems. Both are from his book "Where the Sidewalk Ends"}

Throw in a craft (last weekend with the cousins - mine is the black shirt):

A few songs:

Jamie Grace's "Come To Me"

The City Harmonic's "Holy (Wedding Day)"

And you get the recordable bits of my life. Life truly is a blessing!

In Freedom

As I've been contemplating things to base my Senior Testimony around, and while I've been trying to include Him more and more in my everyday life, examining the motives that I have for doing things and trying to break old habits, I've realized something.

I have a unique history, some that people may not relate to. But I have gone through something that people hopefully will relate to... bondage.

For the longest time, I didn't see it for what it truly was, but it was there.

Coming back from Cameroon, with J sick and my life in upheaval, I clung to the things that I could define myself by.

They were: schoolwork, music in some ways, and God.

But schoolwork took the top. I was new at school, I was a nobody. The only thing that made school a little better was the fact that I was in the same class of people that I had been with in Grades 2 + 6, although there only a few that were still there from those grades.

The only way that I thought that I could be distinct, could be noticed, could be labelled, was by my academic marks. I could do those. Because my family was concentrating on getting J better and on the up and up, I decided not to get into any extracurricular activities and to stay around to help... and study.

And for awhile, that worked. I churned out pretty decent grades, and got labelled as the semi-smart kid, because I wasn't a genius at anything, but wasn't horrible at anything either.

And that went on for years. Until this year. It's so much easier to have an inanimate thing define who you are instead of you defining yourself.

I didn't have the courage to express all that I was, to live outside of the box I had created for myself... because, then I wouldn't feel safe.

I had defined myself by my grades for so long, that I almost didn't know what to do without it.

Grades are still important to me, but it's so easy to slip back into the being super angry and determined about getting the best marks.

They don't matter. I have to tell myself over and over. And I haven't found the balance.

But I have found freedom. Freedom to be myself, in Christ. To see myself as worthy, unique, special... important. To let myself be defined by my whole, instead of just a part.

What are you facing today? He can, and will be your all in all.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9 - NIV)


It's a promise.... you can be free. He's waiting.

In a Resolution

Although this blog is about sharing tidbits of my journey with you it's amazing how often I think of something to write that hits me as I write, and hits me again when I look back. So often, the whole process of putting things down on "paper" helps me see how He's truly working in my life.

So, I want to start making this a little more regular. For right now, I'm going to make it a window of every 3-4 days, but hopefully more often, especially as I get used to it.

As I've been contemplating the Holy Spirit's role in my life and beginning to learn how to listen to God's voice, I'm beginning to hear things right away.

Yesterday, as I was leaving Chapel, the Dr. stopped and asked me if everything was alright, as I had been sitting and praying for quite awhile. Answering with a simple, "Yes," I walked on.

Then I heard it: "Do it now." And to my mind came the picture of the announcements that scroll through the TV in our school lobby, and one announcement in particular. There was a slide about Senior Testimony's and every time I had seen it, I remembered I needed to actually talk to him about doing it, but so far had never really gotten around to it.

Turning around, I called to him and we talked for a few minutes about scheduling. As I left, the happiness settled... not a flighty exuberance, but a joyful peace. So, nothing settled yet, but when it is, I'll let you know so that anyone of you who wants to can come on out and hear a synopsis of what God's done in my life. There's so much to say, I don't even know exactly what I'll be saying yet.

And then there's these:

Yummy looking, yes?

My sister, her love language is quality time. And it's so easy to brush off her requests to play soccer or make cookies with her. Because, my love language isn't quality time.

But again, last night, I could hear it. Or, rather, feel it. The feeling that I don't have many of these times left, that I'd better take all the chances that I could, and that this was an act of service, of love, of-getting-off-the-computer-where-I-was-doing-mindless-things.

So, we made cookies. And I snitched. And they were, in fact, yummy. And gooey. And good.

So, I leave you with a picture of delicious white-and-pink polka-dotted toes (whose owner is a very special Monkey), and the hopes of seeing you here within the next 3-4 days.

God is good.

Near

Life's been getting the best of me. Like always.

But today, the prayer that I've been praying for awhile now was answered in a way that took my breathe away and left me literally rocking and in tears.

Chapel today was indescribable. Someone who graduated just 5 years ago came and spoke about the reality of God that he had learned from his time in New Zealand with YWAM.

But he also came with a word whispered by the Holy Spirit in the midst of a morning shower... a word about the truth of the Holy Spirit.

Sometimes I think that the Holy Spirit is hush-hushed in our society, pushed to the back because "those crazies" scare people.

Those crazies who not only believe but act on the power of the Holy Spirit. Those who believe that the gifts given by Him are real and alive today.

But this same Holy Spirit is our guarantor of our change in Christ, our seal and promise of a second coming. He is the one who brings insight, who opens up our ears to the small whisper of God's voice speaking truth into our hearts.

And I used to be scared of "those crazies".

It was two summers ago, in a cabin in the middle of summer camp when one night's devotional hit home and we had all formed a circle and one at a time went into the middle to be prayed for, to be held.

And as each brought their requests to the group, as we prayed fervently for wisdom, peace, joy, answers, and even healings, something happened.

The room seemed heavy with a cloaked warmness, as if we were all inside of a big warm blanket. I was sitting down, rocking slightly back and forth, overcome by the euphoria of who God truly is.

Have you ever felt it?

The pure joy of feeling God? The glimpse of His joy, His purpose, His love?

It's happened more than once. But that one night, I realized that I wanted to be one of "those crazies", to realize that there is a truly supernatural realm out there, far beyond what we can see, and that there is a powerful God who is willing to work amazing things and a Spirit that longs to work in each of our lives.

And today, after having survived this week, I was reminded of this.

Of the truth, the power, the need for the Holy Spirit.

And I was overcome. He's so very big and powerful and I'm so very unworthy. He's waiting to do so many spectacular things in, through, and in spite of, me. Me! Little, tiny, insignificant, used-to-be-sinner, me...

Through this, He opened my eyes to see how much influence I truly have on those around me, and how much more I need to use it for His glory and to make an impact.

I can truly say that this year is the first year that I have felt totally comfortable in my own skin. In some ways, I wish that I could relive some former years of school with the confidence that I have now. But it was through those very years of learning that I've come to the place that I am now.

But I have a huge realm of influence, and I need to be more open about the every-day-ness of God. To realize that He calls me to step out and do things that may seem crazy, to pray in the middle of a hallway, or to encourage everyone I see, to step out in faith.

So, if you would.... would you pray for me? I know that it's so easy to say things when you're on a spiritual high, when it seems as if everything's clear. So would you pray that this determination would continue, and that I would begin to seek the Holy Spirit and have Him work in me and through me. To not be afraid.

Would you also pray for this summer: I'm counseling at a wonderful camp for 6 weeks as a Sr. Counselor. And I'm scared stiff. I have the ability to make a huge impact on some girl's lives this summer and I want to start preparing for that now. Correction: He has the ability to have a huge impact on their lives. I just want to be used.

A willing and faithful vessel to my God who is very, very near.

In Brokenness

Life has been very busy the last few weeks with fine arts events like no one's business. Having them all stacked up together makes for a very tired and sick existence that wants to settle around its own misfortunes.

And having all of these things happening: waking up, eating breakfast, heading out, not seeing family all day, going to bed late, getting tired of the same licks of music and chromatic runs, and being stressed...

It all culminates into a mindset of "I just want to get through today, just want to not be sick, I want to do my best but not give my absolute best effort, I just. want. to. sleep."

Through it all, He's been pushed to the side, and the very fact that this has happened has got me wondering. If He's pushed to the side when my life is the hardest, then I'm treating Him more as a hobby/when-I-have-time-to-concentrate event.

He doesn't demand perfection, although He helps me pursue it, because He knows how sinful and weak I am.  But I feel as if only when I'm clean, caught up, confessed, and other-wise confident in myself that I am able to draw near to Him.

It should be the very opposite. I should find my closest moments to Him when any facade that I was perpetrating cracks and comes raining down , letting Him seep into the parts of me that are broken, bruised, and wounded.

In summary: I still think that I can do it alone.

And I know that I can't, but it's so easy to slip into the routine of doing devotions in the morning, praying before meals, even praising Him for His creation as I bike and walk around town during the day. The thing is, He's something that I can turn on and off.

But at the same time, He isn't.

And a couple of days ago, I broke. I had been sitting at my computer for over three hours, doing absolutely nothing. Sure, there was homework that was due in the future, so there was nothing that I really had to do, but this has happened so often.

And I have taken steps to prevent it from happening, because I know that it is a trap that I so easily fall into, misusing the precious time that He has granted me.

I have often prided myself in the ability that I have to shake things. To say "I need to do this, so I will, no matter how much I don't want to" as if I have an overdrive function inside of me.

But these last few months, that work ethic has gone down the drain and I have succumbed to mediocrity in a lot of areas of my life. I have procrastinated to the extreme in homework, I have ceased to actively catch up on things that I am behind on, I have made my feelings and wants more important than what needs to get done.

All that to say, I was furious at myself for wasting that much time on the computer. An unreasonable fury, perhaps, but fury none the less. And the thing that I hated the most was that He was there, not gloating, but waiting until I realized that I couldn't do it on my own.

I like independence so much! My pride comes back to bite me as He opens up arms wide and I hesitate because I don't want to give up control of my life.

That's what it's all about: who is going to rule in my life? Who is going to rule in yours?

It's so easy to make a commitment, but so hard to stick to it.

And as I hesitated, I realized just how stupid I was being, how dumb it was to hesitate before the love of one who died on a cross so that this very hatred of myself, and guilt at my sin could be erased.

So I ran. Straight into arms that can not, and never will, fail, who held me tight as I sat on my bed and wept, as I realized that my search for Him is far from over and there's so much more to be seen.

I haven't been seeking very well. Most definitely not wholeheartedly. And I haven't been finding. But I want to start doing so, more actively than ever, right now. Not tomorrow, not the day after, not even in another hour. Right now.

And He cheers me on, and I begin, knowing that I will fall, that I am not perfect, but that I am loved, and that He knows me for who He created me to be.

And words inspired eons ago give encouragement:

indeed, if you call out for insight
   and cry aloud for understanding,
and if you look for it as for silver
   and if you look for it as for hidden treasure
then you will understand the fear of the LORD
   and find the knowledge of God
For the LORD gives wisdom;
  from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. 

~Proverbs 2:3-6 (NIV)


I will find Him... not by my own strength or will, but because He desires to be found and because of the fact that we're on a journey together.


A journey of dependence, of weakness..... and of brokenness.