With this year of Grade 12 looming in front of me, I've had to really bring a lot of things in front of His feet and sit and listen. I want to do well academically, although I don't want my competitive nature to be able to extinguish what I do have of a social life. I want to give myself time and yet fill it with fun and fulfilling things to do. Most of all, I don't want to look back at my Grade 12 year and wish that I had done things differently.
One of the biggest decisions that I had facing me was the decision of whether or not I should be involved in Bible Quizzing this year. For all of you who have never heard of it... learn about it! I first was involved in Grade six as a rookie and have now passed on to the senior divisions. And yet, it consumes a large amount of time. Time spent memorizing verses, going over questions, getting multiple answer chapter verse reference questions down pat (now, no one but quizzers can fully understand what that means) and going over key words. It fills up an evening a week, joining together as a team and practicing. There are weekend tournaments and review nights. You need to review verses, say them three weeks in a row. Oh, and not only that, but there are levels of memory. And me being me, I want to do and be the best at something that I try, not stay where it's easier, which means more time spent memorizing and reviewing.
But, at the end of this year of Bible Quizzing, at Nakamun, I was struggling with this issue. All around me, I could see people changed by simply memorizing 45 verses in a year. And yet, there were around 30 people in Alberta who memorized every single word in the book of John. Amazing! Being around those of a similar faith and of similar commitment to putting His words into their hearts does something to you. It makes you feel safe and accepted, as well as being able to prove yourself on grounds other than academics, looks or personality. There is a community...a family even.
During the summer, my fervor waned as I realized just how much I had stacked against me. I had filled my schedule with every single course possibility that I could take and now was thinking about the time commitment it would take to make it a fun (as opposed to stressful) year. Add to that other things, say a Bible Study, maybe a job, His Singers (I hope), Band practice hours, etc... I could just see my time wasting away and the first thing that I was eager to scrap was Bible Quizzing. Why? Because, honestly, I haven't been able to hold myself up to my standards of "if I'm doing this, I'm doing this so well that others will take notice of me".. in fact, I was doing normal... unnoticeably normal. Which, obviously, was my pride speaking.
Then, comes in this morning. I had prayed, going through the things that I needed wisdom for, trying to lay them at His feet, while at the same time keeping my pinky finger curled around the edge, ready to pull it back. Then, I went to my Bible. I had just finished my daily Bible reading plan a few days ago and was searching for a passage to read. Thinking about all the things that I had to make decisions about and soon, I turned to Proverbs, which, to my mind, was the place to go if I was looking for wisdom. Starting from the beginning, I started flipping through, and something caught my eye right away. It was the subtitle above Proverbs 3, which read Trusting in the Lord. Okay, I thought, I'll give this one a shot.
And then... oh, just then, I read verse 1:
"My child, never forget the things I have taught you. Store my commands in your heart."
Guess what hit me... really, really hard. Here I was, quibbling over what I would have time for, when really, what I should have worried about was where my priorities had gone. Was I really so far gone that I was considering cutting out what might be the thing through which He taught me the most important lessons that I need to learn, such as humility, grace, patience, mercy, and more? It made me shocked at what I had been thinking, and I immediately underlined this part of the verse.
Moving on to verse 2:
"If you do this, you will live many years, and your life will be satisfying."
What had I been looking for? For fun; for fulfillment. And what was He promising here? His satisfaction.. His peace.. what more do I need? I am so glad that He gives answers when I am still...
Showing posts with label still. Show all posts
Showing posts with label still. Show all posts
Sunday, August 7
Saturday, July 9
Provision
And yet...
When I face my fear one last time, determined to just feel nothing and get it done with... He provides in wondrous ways. It's as if He's been sitting there, going through my fear with me, but all the while knowing what's on the other side. And because of that knowledge, He smiles oh, so gently down at me and gives me enough courage to face it.
He provides in ways that are beyond my comprehension. As I received the thumbs up to go to Colombia, inside of me I was dancing with joy and excitement and my smile just wouldn't stop. But there was that corner of my mind, that niggling, annoying, responsible side, asking me where in the world I was going to get the money. I began to fear once again, even though I knew that He had pulled through many other times in the area of finances.
Then, out of the blue it seemed, I received a phone call. Asking if I would be willing to spend a few hours a week with one of those very close to His heart, all for a larger amount of money then I would have asked for. He provided, showing me that He could prepare me for the trip by testing my patience and creativity, all the while working with my skills and giving me something that I would enjoy. He provides.
Provision given by the chance to go and counsel at Camp for a few weeks this summer. The chance to put myself out there and to learn all that He wants me to. To learn that humility is the best and that I really don't have all the answers, although I think I do.
But, above all, provision because He loves. With a love that when shown has left me gasping, dancing, whirling, wanting to never stop because it's so full of everything that I long for that when I have it, I find it hard to comprehend. A love that He gives freely, and that I don't always want to receive. Sometimes I think I'm good enough, and then He just goes and shows me otherwise.
I don't know what I'm trying to say. Not really. Only that He's so good, it blows my mind! That I will never understand in this life why He chose me and why I go around thinking I have it made and all together. That He is an awesome God... who calls me to be still and come to know Him in all that He is.
When I face my fear one last time, determined to just feel nothing and get it done with... He provides in wondrous ways. It's as if He's been sitting there, going through my fear with me, but all the while knowing what's on the other side. And because of that knowledge, He smiles oh, so gently down at me and gives me enough courage to face it.
He provides in ways that are beyond my comprehension. As I received the thumbs up to go to Colombia, inside of me I was dancing with joy and excitement and my smile just wouldn't stop. But there was that corner of my mind, that niggling, annoying, responsible side, asking me where in the world I was going to get the money. I began to fear once again, even though I knew that He had pulled through many other times in the area of finances.
Then, out of the blue it seemed, I received a phone call. Asking if I would be willing to spend a few hours a week with one of those very close to His heart, all for a larger amount of money then I would have asked for. He provided, showing me that He could prepare me for the trip by testing my patience and creativity, all the while working with my skills and giving me something that I would enjoy. He provides.
Provision given by the chance to go and counsel at Camp for a few weeks this summer. The chance to put myself out there and to learn all that He wants me to. To learn that humility is the best and that I really don't have all the answers, although I think I do.
But, above all, provision because He loves. With a love that when shown has left me gasping, dancing, whirling, wanting to never stop because it's so full of everything that I long for that when I have it, I find it hard to comprehend. A love that He gives freely, and that I don't always want to receive. Sometimes I think I'm good enough, and then He just goes and shows me otherwise.
I don't know what I'm trying to say. Not really. Only that He's so good, it blows my mind! That I will never understand in this life why He chose me and why I go around thinking I have it made and all together. That He is an awesome God... who calls me to be still and come to know Him in all that He is.
Friday, July 8
Fear
Fear...
The word that embodies everything I feel when I am exposed to be insecure and weak. It's at these times that I wonder what I'm made of. After all, if I can so easily fear, what have I learned in life? It's not as if I've conquered much if the same fear can come back time and time again to make me shrivel up and hide in a corner.
Fear. Fear of being misunderstood, of being seen as incapable, of being untalented, ungodly, a bad example, and everything else that comes with being alive. The fear that sometimes rules my thoughts, actions and words, although it shouldn't. Afraid of what might come, and yet afraid to stay the same.
And yet... what is the antithesis of fear? Most things have an immediate equal and opposite reaction word inside of our heads, and yet.. fear? Is it... could it... maybe be trust? At first glance, it makes me turn away, afraid once again. What is trust after all but the letting down of barriers, of risking all, especially to be disappointed and hurt, but to never fear again?
Because, in some ways, perfect trust casts out all fear, as the saying goes for love. To trust someone is to place in their possession the very things that I am afraid the world might see, the weaknesses, the imperfections, the mistakes. To give them the ability to hurt me in the ways that I am afraid of.
These fears that I hold, these inconsistencies that I hide, these showings of who I really am, a base, evil, sinful human being... aren't easy to share with just anyone. But who is He, but Someone? As I have been struggling to let this thing go, I think back to what has happened in the past with trust issues and find it all the same. I never give up easily, and I never turn right to Him when something comes up. It's discouraging to think that I have never once, really and truly, trusted Him to the completion of a problem.
Oh, sure, I put it into His hands, and was still for awhile, going along with life. But then, I began to murmur, complain, worry, and the stillness was broken. That solid foundation of being still and trusting all the He was and is and has done and will do was being shaken. And I was the one doing it! I grabbed the problem out of His hands, and set to trying to fix it myself, worrying when things wouldn't turn out right.
But time and time again, He's proved me wrong. As I knew He would at the very beginning. It seems that I am destined to repeat the same mistake over and over with no experience gleaned or lessons applied. For this is what life is for. It's so discouraging to think that He's working a work in me and that I'm standing in the way. What would it take for me to be completely still... to be silent... to trust? I fear too much...
The word that embodies everything I feel when I am exposed to be insecure and weak. It's at these times that I wonder what I'm made of. After all, if I can so easily fear, what have I learned in life? It's not as if I've conquered much if the same fear can come back time and time again to make me shrivel up and hide in a corner.
Fear. Fear of being misunderstood, of being seen as incapable, of being untalented, ungodly, a bad example, and everything else that comes with being alive. The fear that sometimes rules my thoughts, actions and words, although it shouldn't. Afraid of what might come, and yet afraid to stay the same.
And yet... what is the antithesis of fear? Most things have an immediate equal and opposite reaction word inside of our heads, and yet.. fear? Is it... could it... maybe be trust? At first glance, it makes me turn away, afraid once again. What is trust after all but the letting down of barriers, of risking all, especially to be disappointed and hurt, but to never fear again?
Because, in some ways, perfect trust casts out all fear, as the saying goes for love. To trust someone is to place in their possession the very things that I am afraid the world might see, the weaknesses, the imperfections, the mistakes. To give them the ability to hurt me in the ways that I am afraid of.
These fears that I hold, these inconsistencies that I hide, these showings of who I really am, a base, evil, sinful human being... aren't easy to share with just anyone. But who is He, but Someone? As I have been struggling to let this thing go, I think back to what has happened in the past with trust issues and find it all the same. I never give up easily, and I never turn right to Him when something comes up. It's discouraging to think that I have never once, really and truly, trusted Him to the completion of a problem.
Oh, sure, I put it into His hands, and was still for awhile, going along with life. But then, I began to murmur, complain, worry, and the stillness was broken. That solid foundation of being still and trusting all the He was and is and has done and will do was being shaken. And I was the one doing it! I grabbed the problem out of His hands, and set to trying to fix it myself, worrying when things wouldn't turn out right.
But time and time again, He's proved me wrong. As I knew He would at the very beginning. It seems that I am destined to repeat the same mistake over and over with no experience gleaned or lessons applied. For this is what life is for. It's so discouraging to think that He's working a work in me and that I'm standing in the way. What would it take for me to be completely still... to be silent... to trust? I fear too much...
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