Sweeter

There's always so much to running through my mind and processing going inside my heart, but so little time and so inadequate vocabulary to put down what I learn.

Missions Conference, a second day of prayer and all the little moments that come and go in between, plus my daily devotions.

But something that I've been finding more and more each day as I come before Him is how to seek. How to pursue while still being content with what I know.

Some really good insights came from one of my textbooks that I cracked open during day of prayer - The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer.

Often when I think of pursuing God, what comes to mind is not a finding, but rather a grasping that always brushes against a glimmer and then grabs hold of nothing.

When opening up this book, however, written in rich language and resonating a traditional feel, it called me to something that I had longed for before, but could never put into words.

"to seek God does not narrow one's life, but bring it, rather, to the level of highest possible fulfillment" (pg. 6) 

Have I been the only one during that one moment of wondering to ponder the question of whether it's all worth it? Whether denying self and seeking after God will all that I am instead of only part of me will really pay off in the end?

Then I look at all the goodness He's brought to my life and all the guilt and shame I feel when I purposely sin and I know the answer is yes. Indubitably yes.

We long for fulfillment. *I* long for fulfillment. And He promises it, to fully fulfill us in ways that we didn't even know we were lacking.

"To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love, scorned indeed by the too easily satisfied religionist, but justified in happy experience by the children of the burning heart." (pg. 15)

To have found God and still to pursue Him. What a paradox!

"and when they {holy men and women of the past} found Him the finding was all the sweeter for the long seeking." (pg. 15) 

Too often I find myself fixating on the goal of finding Him without enjoying the journey. He needs to become the ends and the means, instead of just one or the other. I need to learn to revel in the pursuit,in the learning, in the renewing, and in the finding.

"We have been snared in the coils of a spurious logic which insists that if we have found Him, we need no more seek Him." (pg. 16)

It's scary and yet wonderful to take my eyes off the life-long search of perfection in myself and instead to fixate my eyes on Him whom I will always be discovering more of (which will, incidentally, lead to me being made more and more like Christ).

"They want to taste, to touch with their hearts, to see with their inner eyes the wonder that is God." (pg. 17)

How often I have longed the same thing and have just not been able to express it. I want to know, inside and out, in that moment between being still myself and brushing against something so much bigger, who God is. To revel in His majesty, to rapture in His love, to be known and to know.

"The stiff and wooden quality about our religious lives is a result of our lack of holy desire. Complacency is a deadly foe of all spiritual growth. Acute desire must be present or there will be no manifestation of Christ to His people. He waits to be wanted. Too bad that with many of us He waits so long, so very long, in vain." (pg. 17)

And although I have no words to sum up what I have been learning recently, and although my "connected feelings" towards God change from day to day (and just as often I remind myself that it's not about feelings and then wonder about the balance of the two, etc.), I think that this desire to seek Him out more fully, to always be in pursuit and yet to revel in what I do know of Him and to realize that He wants to be wanted, is what I have been learning recently.

He is so sweet. And He longs to show me just how sweet He can be.

Sweeter than the world, sweeter than sin, sweeter than my own inclinations, sweet enough to be more than bread to me.

I long to constantly pursue, knowing I will find Him sweeter still.

* * * * *

O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both

satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am

painfully aware of my need of further grace. 

I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, 

I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing;

I thirst to be made more thirsty still.

Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may

know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work 

of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up, my

love, my fair one, and come away." then give me

grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty 

lowland where I have wandered for so long.

In Jesus' Name.

Amen.

{A.W. Tozer - The Pursuit of God}

Freeing

I once heard someone say that balance was the key to everything and it seems to be something that constantly eludes me.

Not only does it apply to various things to which I give my time during the day, but the very thing that my life is based around.

It seems as if I'm either doing very well, or not well at all in my spiritual walk and as I examine my life, there are so many things that I see that I need to work on, while at the same time I find pride in the things that I am somehow managing to keep up, but then I recognize that pride and think I'm not really doing that well, and then around and around it goes.

With the start of a new year, it's easy to sit down and to examine different things within my life and see how much I'm lacking.

Prayer life? Meh... could be better.

Devotions? They happen, but I need to learn how to come with expectation instead of with duty.

Living out my faith? Should really take more risks...

And on and on it goes. The more I look at my life, the more I realize that I will never be perfect and that can sometimes lead to a feeling of "Well, what's the use?"

And 1 Peter 1:16 answers me: "For the Scriptures say, 'You must be holy because I am holy.'"

It becomes about my works as I strive for this holiness... as I strive to seek out His kingdom.

There's only one thing wrong... I'm doing it on my own strength.

I was drawn to the book of Galatians a little while ago by the summary offered by my Bible at the beginning, which focused around the intent of the letter being to show the Galatians that since they had been set free by Christ's sacrifice, they were no longer required to follow the law.

And as I've been reading and have now reached the end of chapter 4 today, I have been struck by the message that Paul is trying to get through the Galatians' (and my) thick skull: We can do nothing. He does everything.

I once had someone tell me that sin is the only thing we contribute to our salvation and it rings true.

Chapter 3: 3 brings it to a head: "How foolish can you be? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort?"

Ouch.

"So it is clear that no one can be made right with God by trying to keep the law. For the Scriptures say, 'It is through faith that a righteous person has life.' This way of faith is very different from the way of the law, which says, 'It is through obeying the law that a person has life.'" (3:11-12)

Faith.

Faith that I cannot accomplish perfection, but that Christ can and has. Faith that that freedom extends to me today, breaking me free from trying to do it on my own.

Free.

I have always struggled with the conundrum of how to allow God to be the One working in my life and how to uphold my part of the deal so that I'm not just saying, "Oh, if God wants to do any work in my life, it's up to Him."

Yes, it's up to Him and yet I have to be willing to be freed. Willing to let go of this illusion that somehow I can do it on my own.

Letting go of the illusion of freedom and falling into the arms of the true Freedom.

In A New Year

I struggle with what to write, trying to sum up the feeling of anticipation and yet the vacuous waiting for yet another day to come. It's just another day, and yet it's more.

Symbolism of freedom in His new mercies every morning. It shouldn't just be today that I feel an unblemished scroll laid out ahead of me, waiting to be filled with my thoughts, my actions, my dreams.

Everyday is new in His eyes.

And I can't do it... I just can't.

There is so much I aspire to be, so much that I wish I could change about myself in just the snapping of fingers or the twinkle of an eye. So many habits I wish that I could initiate and keep up. So many words that need to be tempered with a kind spirit that I find so lacking in myself. So many things that shouldn't enter my ears, my eyes, my thoughts. So much that I long to change, and yet I know from this past year that I. can't. do. it.

But you wanna know the biggest thing that I learned about God this past year?

He. is.

He is the great I AM. The One who can take every crummy, gross corner of my life, and somehow shape me in a truer form of His Son.

I can't make myself new. He can. And I'm still learning how to lay it all down at His feet and to come to the place of battle and yet stop and hand everything over to Him and say, "It's all yours."

He called me last year to seek after Him. And as I look over some of my past posts, it's crazy how He's revealed Himself more fully in my life.

And this year?

The seeking doesn't end:

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Matthew 6:33 (NLT)

But more than that, He calls me to delight myself in Him:

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires." Psalm 37:4 (NLT)

And as I look outside on this day like every other day and yet the first in this new year of 2013, I can't believe that He delights in me:

"The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand." Psalm 37:23-24 (NLT)

He, the Lord of all creation, delights in me. In me! In watching me go through every day, and seeing my little quirks, smiling at the way that He made me. And I long to learn what it means to delight in Him. The One who is the ultimate delight. To laugh because of His goodness and to just feel that overwhelming joy that can be found in being in His presence in complete brokenness and openness. To go throughout each day, longing to know more of Him and to be found fully in Him, to be in His presence and to never want to leave.

And I've never been a big fan of New Year's resolutions, maybe as a result of their oft-proclaimed tendency to fall flat on their faces. But as I start this year, there are things that I want to focus on, things that I feel I will be drawing myself back to constantly:

~let God define who I am. Too easily, I let society or even myself, tell me that, oh, you can't do that, because you're an introvert, or, who do you think you are? beloved, beautiful? psshh... no. or you've failed at that before, who are you to think that you can succeed this time, and so much more. Yes, I have been made with specific traits, and yet they are to be used for His glory and never as a shield for stepping out of my comfort zone.

~live with purposeful relationships and actions. Once again, it is so easy to let the everyday slip by, and sometimes I find myself with my head on my pillow at the end of the day wondering what I really accomplished in the light of eternity. And this is linked to the statement up above, and 2 Timothy 1:7 comes to mind. For God has not given [me] a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. In His power, I can answer those divine appointments He puts in my path, I can say good morning to that person I never talk to, I can increase my circle of friends, I can keep up with people from home and be willing to make things awkward for a time if that means fruit later on.

In all of this, I'll fail. I know it. It's kind of disappointing sometimes to realize that we'll never be perfect until heaven, but at the same time, it's comforting. He's not done working in my life... He's not done showing me how imperfect I am, and how perfect He is.

He's still showing me that I can't... but He can.