My Rest

I struggle so hard with this concept.

Rest.

What is it?

It eludes me, slipping out of my grasp and I think of new ways to make my life simpler and then worry that I'm procrastinating at getting something done although there's nothing to do. I strive to rest.

And that's just it - I'm striving.

Only a few weeks ago at church, in Sunday School, we were discussing this concept of rest as a part of Charles Price's book Connect with God's Heart: Hebrews.

And it's penned in along the side of Hebrews chapter 4 in my Bible: rest = our position in Christ, not our circumstances

It's so hard. Maybe because I know that I can so easily hide myself away in the shell of myself, being a recluse in my room and reading books or being on-line and so I've tried to figure out a way to be involved with the family but keep finding myself retreating for rest.

I feel guilty when I rest. Honestly. I don't know what rest looks like for me, because I feel like such an anti-social introvert. What is the line between resting the way that my mind rests versus using it as an excuse and pushing away the opportunities that He has placed before me during this time when family is so near?

And I strive. I worry. I wrestle.

And I don't stop to hear. Don't stop to be still and to hear, "Rest, My child. Rest in all that I AM." Because penned beside chapter 4 just a little further up the page are the words "picture of sufficiency."

When I strive and worry, what am I really doing? I'm doubting all that He is. I'm doubting that He is everything that I need.

So often I do not simply strive in my day to day living, but in my spiritual life. I strive and try to conjure up peace in my heart or to stamp down boredom in routine in devotions or to try and put my mind in the right condition, or even to strive to be perfectly honest before Him.

And you know what? If I'm still, He calls, "Rest, My child. Rest in all that I AM."

He came as the Prince of Peace. He came to bring that rest between God and mankind, and He came to bring rest in humanity's frantic scrabbling for safety and assured footing.

Sometimes I'm so busy worrying that I don't rest in all that He's given me and all that He is.

And He speaks through the words of a friend who tells me to turn to His Words. Why is what I so desperately need what I so often seek last? You'd think that I'd learn... and she points me to Isaiah 58:11.

The LORD will guide you continually, giving  you water when  you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring. (NLT)

It brings to mind two of my favourite verses in Isaiah:

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength." (30:15)

So the LORD must wait for you to come to him so that he can show you his love and compassion. For the LORD is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help. (30:18)

The secret is purposely being still. Resting in all that He is, and that rest in my soul will spill out into my life. He has never failed me, so why do I keep thinking that maybe this time will be different? Silly me.

He's waiting. He has so much to give me if only I will be still and come before Him waiting to receive whatever it is that He would teach me.

Striving for rest is so useless, and He calls me to rest.

To rest in all that He is.

Arrogance

What? Did I just write that as the title? Me... arrogant? Pshaw... never!

But I am just that. My heart is full of the dark desires that cause me to act in ways to draw others to me. To me. To ME. To what I can do, what I can accomplish, what I can provide, to what I can give. To... oh, how horrible... how much of a "Christian" I am.

There was a Bible Quizzing Tournament this past weekend. We travelled for hours, tires spinning against white roads. We arrived, and I fell into that most-comfortable-of-all embrace of fellow believers. Others who, like me, had spent multiple hours memorizing verses, or even chapters. Learning questions, key words, and where they could jump and answer the questions without a doubt.

Now, I don't prepare for Quizzing as much as I would like to. When I'm excited about it, it becomes something that I latch onto and make into a huge undertaking. But, when life seems like a more exciting alternative, it hangs over my week like a dark shadow, reminding me that I better get those verses memorized, that chapter read, those questions filled in, those chapters reviewed, those verses gone over, etc. It could become all-consuming if I let it.

And this being my last year... Even now, it's hard to say that. I've been in the wonderful program for five years... FIVE years. Years of memorizing verses, going to tournaments, meeting new friends, becoming versed in the rules of a sport that many people never know about, learning how to jump on either clicky-seats or pads, accumulating bookies and workbooks, gathering a ribbon here and there. And all for what?

I wish that I could say that the biggest effect was on my spiritual life. But it hasn't been. Up until now. Sure, it's helped me be able to memorize like a whiz, and take Bio because, hey, why not? since memorizing is so easy and all. I've never realized how arrogant I was about being involved in this sport, about my abilities.

"I'm participating in a Bible Quizzing Tournament this weekend. What are you doing? Sleeping in?"

It's one of those things that you do at first because you know that you should, or your friends are involved, or just maybe because you are a MK and everyone already expects you to do something so strange and out of the ordinary that it would be in keeping with your "unique" ness and would be an involvement in something becuase you have no sporty skills.

Plus, this being my last year, it's the last year I have to excel. To make a name for myself. To go to Great West (top 25 quizzers from Alberta go). To show that I have worth.

And that's what it comes down to, isn't it? I don't feel like I have enough worth in other things. In... Him.

I don't realize how preciously He has made me to do everything that I can do. I don't fully grasp the importance of the VERY WORD OF GOD that I am memorizing. The nuggets of truth that I'm tucking away. The lasting friendships that I could make if I stopped making my focus on how well I do, but turn that focus on to meeting and getting to know others.

And it brings me to the question: how can I do well without being arrogant? How can I excel and bring Him every single shred of glory?

I've been given such a unique opportunity, and it's sad to me now, to look back on years past and to realize all that I have failed to do in this area. I could've done so much.

And yet... I use the word "I." That word that pervades my actions, thoughts, and words. Instead of "Him."

He could've done so much. And now with realizing this, I also realize... He can still do much. Through my arrogance, through my weakness, through my failings, through  my sinful human nature, He is strong.

As I write these things, these verses that I have stored away in the past few weeks jump out at me. Words that I have spoken time and time again, but never taken to heart, sadly enough.

"Young men, in the same way, be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because 'God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time." (1 Peter 5:5+6, NIV)

And as I struggle to bring these words to fruition in my life, I'm ever so grateful for another verse.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (2 Peter 3:9, NIV)

Struggling

I have so many doubts... so many fears. I wish I lived in a bubble sometimes, not having to care about anything but what to do next. But what is life but the adventure of living, surviving, getting through? With only a few weeks left until school starts, I'm struggling with how He provides. I knew that He wanted to me go to Colombia.. but now? It seems like money is trickling in. Where's the line between trusting and trying? For putting myself out there?

And yet, another struggle. One that will last just as long. How important is He to me? How much do I value His holiness? A few friends asked me the other day to participate in an event with them, and I was surprised, but very happy. And then comes the news... it takes place on a Sunday. Questions immediately fill my mind. Why is the Sabbath holy anyway? What is it about it that I shouldn't do a race on it? Talking to my parents, getting their views.. it's all so confusing but something that I need to determine for myself. What is my stance on Sundays? As a family, we try to not go out to places to eat, and instead stay home and rest, maybe do some family things. As kids, we're not "allowed" to do homework. It's not a law, but something that we try and do to honor Him and to give ourselves a rest.

But what about me? Personally? It's so much easier when it's someone else holding a law or line above your head instead of yourself. Because then you start to wiggle, question, try to squirm around it, put it off until next time, so that eventually, it's not effective at all anymore. This issue about Sunday and what my views about how I personally am going to respect it .... is causing me to struggle. Because I want to be with my friends sooo badly. And yet I recognize that He may want something different from me. Would I be willing to give up spending time with my friends if it means keeping the Sabbath holy? How important is He to me?

As I start to do a topical study on it, just with the small concordance my Bible has in the back, certain words are brought up again and again. Holy... honor... rest... Where do they all come together? Ultimately, it's a fight between me doing what I want, or the possibility of Him asking me to do what I don't want. This is what it means to follow Him: laying down myself, knowing that He is better.

And yet, to find peace in whatever decision that He brings. To stand firm and to not sway. To find the line between "if I do this... but, this..." and working something out. I sit here, struggling... knowing that He knows.

Answers

With this year of Grade 12 looming in front of me, I've had to really bring a lot of things in front of His feet and sit and listen. I want to do well academically, although I don't want my competitive nature to be able to extinguish what I do have of a social life. I want to give myself time and yet fill it with fun and fulfilling things to do. Most of all, I don't want to look back at my Grade 12 year and wish that I had done things differently.

One of the biggest decisions that I had facing me was the decision of whether or not I should be involved in Bible Quizzing this year. For all of you who have never heard of it... learn about it! I first was involved in Grade six as a rookie and have now passed on to the senior divisions. And yet, it consumes a large amount of time. Time spent memorizing verses, going over questions, getting multiple answer chapter verse reference questions down pat (now, no one but quizzers can fully understand what that means) and going over key words. It fills up an evening a week, joining together as a team and practicing. There are weekend tournaments and review nights. You need to review verses, say them three weeks in a row. Oh, and not only that, but there are levels of memory. And me being me, I want to do and be the best at something that I try, not stay where it's easier, which means more time spent memorizing and reviewing.

But, at the end of this year of Bible Quizzing, at Nakamun, I was struggling with this issue. All around me, I could see people changed by simply memorizing 45 verses in a year. And yet, there were around 30 people in Alberta who memorized every single word in the book of John. Amazing! Being around those of a similar faith and of similar commitment to putting His words into their hearts does something to you. It makes you feel safe and accepted, as well as being able to prove yourself on grounds other than academics, looks or personality. There is a community...a family even.

During the summer, my fervor waned as I realized just how much I had stacked against me. I had filled my schedule with every single course possibility that I could take and now was thinking about the time commitment it would take to make it a fun (as opposed to stressful) year. Add to that other things, say a Bible Study, maybe a job, His Singers (I hope), Band practice hours, etc... I could just see my time wasting away and the first thing that I was eager to scrap was Bible Quizzing. Why? Because, honestly, I haven't been able to hold myself up to my standards of "if I'm doing this, I'm doing this so well that others will take notice of me".. in fact, I was doing normal... unnoticeably normal. Which, obviously, was my pride speaking.

Then, comes in this morning. I had prayed, going through the things that I needed wisdom for, trying to lay them at His feet, while at the same time keeping my pinky finger curled around the edge, ready to pull it back. Then, I went to my Bible. I had just finished my daily Bible reading plan a few days ago and was searching for a passage to read. Thinking about all the things that I had to make decisions about and soon, I turned to Proverbs, which, to my mind, was the place to go if I was looking for wisdom. Starting from the beginning, I started flipping through, and something caught my eye right away. It was the subtitle above Proverbs 3, which read Trusting in the Lord. Okay, I thought, I'll give this one a shot.

And then... oh, just then, I read verse 1:

"My child, never forget the things I have taught you. Store my commands in your heart."

Guess what hit me... really, really hard. Here I was, quibbling over what I would have time for, when really, what I should have worried about was where my priorities had gone. Was I really so far gone that I was considering cutting out what might be the thing through which He taught me the most important lessons that I need to learn, such as humility, grace, patience, mercy, and more? It made me shocked at what I had been thinking, and I immediately underlined this part of the verse.

Moving on to verse 2:

"If you do this, you will live many years, and your life will be satisfying."

What had I been looking for? For fun; for fulfillment. And what was He promising here? His satisfaction.. His peace.. what more do I need? I am so glad that He gives answers when I am still...

Would I?

On the last night of camp, one of the senior guy counselors got up to share during the fireside and what he said hit me hard. He had been struggling with the question: "If I had the choice right now to go to heaven or not, would I?" It hit me hard because I've struggled a lot with this in the past. I have so many dreams and yet I know that what He's got in store is so much better.

I went to a wedding today, saw all that happened, closed my eyes during the music and dreamed. Someday... I want these things. I want to fall in love, deeply, madly, wholly. I want to smile and feel accepted by the one that He will give me. I want to hold hands and walk down streets talking about anything and everything. I want to get married, join in a union before Him and my family and friends. I want to celebrate. To be known and to know fully of that one. To travel the world.
To swell with the gift of children. To have sticky fingers holding my own. To gather my arms full of those that He has blessed me with. To see them off to school, to make their lunches. To someday see them graduated, to be proud of everything that I have done, even though at times I will feel as though I have failed. To present to the world children who are not ashamed of who they are in Him, but will share it in the way that they live.  To grow old and gray. To visit my grandchildren. To someday say goodbye and go home to be with Him.

All this talk of going home yesterday made me question where my home really is. Am I so attached to the earth that I truly and really think of it as my one and only home? Or do I give it only the importance that it is due as a temporary resting place before I pass on? I have so many dreams. And yet, do I envy those who are already in His presence? Do I long to be held in His embrace. I came home today to a father back from a long trip. Do I long to hug Him as tightly as I hugged my earthly father? Sometimes that answer changes. Sometimes it's yes... and sometimes it's no. But what should it be? I know the right answer. Yet, my vision is so often skewed. We're brought up to think that this life is what we're living for, instead of only a mere training phase before the real thing happens. We're taught to think of life as a good thing and death as a bad thing, when really it only opens up the doors to even more. Sure, we mourn those who are gone, and yet, if they are passing on to joy, we will see them again. It's not really passing on.. more like passing forward, while we are left behind. Do I feel left behind? Or do I feel ahead? The question remains... would I?

Counting

1) The endearing little boy that I get to work with. Him, with the big brown eyes, and little, cool hands that slip into mine. Who asks me to carry his Batman lunch kit, and tell him how to spell everything hockey. Who knows that there is more than one kind of race car. I always seem to fall for the little guys...

2) The aggravating, confusing boy that I get to work with. Him... my personal grace grower for the week. Who hides inside his anger and likes to be outside all alone. I struggled to understand, and finally just lowered myself to the ground and suggested we build a city out of the dirt he was playing in. Soon, that city evolved into an ocean, and he was narrating to me his own version of Jaws. That he would ask to hold my hand on the way to the park, that he would ask for me to come out and watch him, that he would be touched... is the greatest blessing of all.

3) Campfires and bannock with friends. To be taught and to learn. To listen and to laugh. To accept and to comfort. To realize that even though I may go far, that these will hold me close and love me truly for me.

4) Adventures with friends. A picnic on the third hill. For bike rides and sore muscles. For hamburgers and chips. For fields dotted with hay bales gleaming in the evening sun. For laughter and a checked table cloth to sit on.

5) Family. For a father away, for a mother at home. For siblings who laugh and play. Watching movies, playing Wii, chasing the cat, and doing chores.

6) The garden. For rows of lettuce, fresh peas in the pod, beans ready to be picked, and much more to come.

7) Life. The freedom that He gives. That He enjoys giving me good and perfect gifts. That creation is in His hands, and that He had the creativity to make it all.

8) Him. The bestest blessing of all. The One whom I struggle to know and yet see all around me.

9) You. For taking the time out of your day to read this. That you care about me and the random happenings in my life. Thank you!

10) Counting my blessings. Truly, I can see what He has done. And this is only from one week!