Holy

This song has been running through my head these last couple of days, bringing truth that is hard to hold.

He is Holy.

Perfect.

But He also says:

"I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn't confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me." John 15:15 (NLT)

He is still Holy... but He's also my Friend.

In Sunshine

It wraps around the trees, gilding them with a golden shimmer.

Half dark, half light, they stand as sentinels as I walk home.

Light dying away but giving one last glorious breath of life.

Life that seems to be missing from my days.

I wonder back and forth, completing tasks, procrastinating on others.

Simply surviving, instead of thriving as I wish to do.

I think that it has to do with the loss of schedule. School restarts in just a few days, but I am unprepared even for that.

I am tired, my hours wasted and my sleep hours not filled.

I know that if I tried, I could break through this mask of drudgery that seems sit over me, but I like the limbo.

It seems nice after so much business.

But I see the light steal across those trees, and catch a glimpse at the end of the branches laden down with buds,

I find that there is life even among the dark.

Then it is revealed by the light, and those buds bursting with life are thrust into the glimmering golden light.

He is waiting for me to step outside of my darkness... to accept His light.

To understand that He is waiting with hands stretched open wide, and if I only accept it, my days could be filled with so much more meaning.

To realize that this darkness is only a self-imposed prison,

And that His sunshine is so much better than my limbo.

In Fantasy

They pull me in a way that other books don't.

Worlds that offer such sweet reprieve when I find that my own is either boring or cresting in a wave that longs to destroy me.

Books that offer me a look at another time and place... one that is not real.

Of future technologies, of characters that climb from the ordinary to the extraordinary.

Of being different... special.

These heroines draw me.... Vin (from Brandon Sanderson's Mistborn trilogy) and Katniss (from Suzanne Collins' Hunger Games trilogy) as well as many others.

Their very indistinctness forged into great strength from pressing circumstances. And yet... that ability was theirs before they knew it.

And as I surface from those worlds and find myself breathing in and out the normal everyday air of normal life, I sometimes regret who I am.

That I do not have those powers. That I do not seem as special as they were. That.... sad as it is to say... I do not suffer as they did, which led to prevailing.

And I wonder what my purpose is... what my divine gifting is that I am specialized to use. What good things He has placed in my life to do.

But as much as I want to seem like the heroine day in and day out... I cannot be.

I am weak, not strong. I am lazy, not purposeful. 

And it doesn't always work, but my mind is drawn to those words that He says.

The ones He whispered to another who felt a need to be perfect in everything, but who needed weakness to keep him humble. 

"Each time he said, 'My grace is all that you need. My power works best in weakness.'" 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NLT)

Yes, I still wish, at times, that I lived in one of the worlds encased by the covers of a book. I still wish to be "special" in that way. But I know that He has made me just the way that He wanted me to be... weaknesses and all.

 And I also know that I have the power within me to be great.

Great not because of what I have done... but because of who He is.

  

In Failure

I sat on those springy chairs covered with rough blue cloth, surrounded by walls painted dark blue and scattered with stars.

Sitting on the stage was my father and in other seats were college students.

And he started speaking about failure. About failure in missions and as a missionary himself.

He spoke of the time that he laid on that concrete floor with a gun pressed to his back, while my mother and J and I huddled in the bed as men took the things that we had just had shipped to us.

Car, computers, watches, money, anything valuable.... my mother's wedding ring.

And I remembered my bleary-eyed fear. Fear that something was so wrong that my own Daddy was afraid. Fear for him.

He spoke of his loss of security for years after that, jumping awake at any sound in the night because he never knew what it might be.

He spoke about the lessons taught of God's sovereignty and power. Of protection and of a mission so strong that God would keep us there, and bring us to a place beyond fear.

He spoke of J's sickness. Of leaving when translation was at its peak. Villagers were getting excited about the Word in their own language, and everything was moving along so well.

Of thinking that the success was turning into a failure. Of how it's all about Him and never about us.

It's never about our success stories. But it's also never about our failures.

But it's all about how He works through us for His good and glory.

And if what it takes is for me to fail, to fall, to be disgraced, to suffer, to be beaten, to be filled with shame.... that's when He gets all the glory.

As I read the Word for this morning, it was there, waiting:

"Then he said to the crowd, 'If any of you wants to be my followers, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross dialy, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.' " Luke 9:23-24 (NLT)

Do I shoulder my cross daily?

Not always.

But He works wonderous things through failures, if only given to Him.

In Others

I watched your face that Friday night, as you echoed the conductor's movements. The jerks with your arms, the moving up and down with your head, the wide grin that spread across your face.

I watched you, as you watched them.

Musicians creating a masterpiece of beauty. Reconstructing music that you listened to when young. Bringing to life composers long dead.

I watched your face, one that has watched over me for over sixteen years now. Those brown eyes that crinkle when you laugh, that smile when I read excerpts of stories that made me laugh.

Those laugh lines that are well creased every day. The dark hair now glistening with gray.

Those arms that have held me close so often, when I've cried, when I've laughed, when I wake up in the morning and we're both in our pjs, and say good morning.

Those arms that make me feel oh, so *safe*. Those arms that are liberally sprinkled with freckles, ones that I've inherited, ones that you use to answer my question about time with, "Three freckles past a hair."

A face that I've come to respect and love so much.

A face that helps me see my heavenly Father so much clearer.

It was your Christmas gift, but it was also mine.

*****

We perched on desks, that Monday morning, brainstorming, creating, improvising, laughing. 

That group that has drawn me so close these past few months. That group that gives me the freedom to be myself. 

None of us know what we're getting ourselves into, but we all know that we are weak. 

And when we arrive in Colombia, we'll draw even closer together, forming a team that will give community a new meaning.

I'm so thankful for the camaraderie, of the letting go of stereotypes and former conclusions, for the willingness to see beyond the outside to what each individual is trying to keep hidden.

And I see Him... in every single one of you. 

*****

I walked into the store, causing a beeping to sound. And your helpers told me that you were coming. 

You appeared, decked out with jacket, scarf, hat, backpack, swimming bag, lunch bag and purse.

And you hugged me. 

Those hugs that seem to tell me that everything is alright, because there is such a thing as unconditional love.

We walk to your house, discussing what we're going to do next.

And I find it amazing that although I'm the only one that can speak, our conversations thrive. Your hands move quickly in repeated patterns, emphasizing what you want, and I reassure you that we can do what you desire. 

You finish eating and we set out, bundled up and shuffling down the sidewalk, heading out to meet people and get around.

And the frustration of former days comes to my mind and I softly ask you if you will make a promise to me, to not dawdle, but to do things succinctly and well.

You comply. It happens, and I am left amazed at the capacity your brain, that some call "disabled", has. 

The capacity to understand how to help those who hurt, to smile when I need a perk in my day, to stop for hugs at any time, even when in the middle of the street.

Sometimes I wonder what others think, but you show me that it doesn't matter. Because life is amazing, and hugs is your way of living.

It doesn't go perfectly, we struggle and argue. There are misunderstandings, but you say sorry and immediately come round with a hug again. 

It's that unconditional love that He's been teaching me through you. Love beyond what the promises you break, the days that go downhill, the times when I am tempted to give up. 

Love because of who you are. 

Love that you continually give to me.

*****

I pulled on my jacket as she pulled up. A friend transporting me to a place filled with friends. 

And even though there was studying to be done, a Diploma the next day, I needed those hours.

Hours spent stuffing myself with double-stuffed Oreos, Taco chips and salsa. Hours spent playing Dutch Blitz and Apples to Apples.

Hours spent surrounded by those who have meant so much to me these last three years. You guys have seen me grow spiritually in so many ways. 

To be surrounded by the leaders and girls of our Monday night Bible Study and the joy that was found in talking, shrieking in indignation, laughing about mistakes, sharing needs, and praying before we left.

And I feel so free, so safe, to able to express myself in ways often hidden, among that group. 

Free to make mistakes, admit my weakness, knowing that others understand and that when brought before Him in a group, my problems don't seem so big anymore. 

*****

And I am so thankful. 

Thankful for the way that He surrounds me with people like you.

Unbelievable people who grant me the freedom to make mistakes, to learn, and to be myself.

Thank you.

Rewiring

These last few days, I have found myself echoing the words of Paul over and over again:

"I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate." Romans 7:15 (NLT)

Although my life is hectic, I often spend my downtime vegging out while surfing Youtube or some other mindless thing.

And time after time, I look back on the time I spent doing nothing when all the things that are piling up on me take the backburner.

So I try and change my ways, but the lure of mindlessness pulls me and I fall again.

Last night was yet another time when I had hours to do things in, and yet I spent it listening to, watching, and doing useless things.

And as I prepared to go to bed, I picked up the stack of memory verses that I have memorized so far through Bible Quizzing this year and turned to the first one.

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness." 2 Peter 1:3 (NIV)

It strikes me as funny that although this was one of the verses used in choir only last year, and I memorized it this year through Bible Quizzing, that it has only struck me now.

Now that I have gotten used to it, now that I know that I need that strength.

For so long I have been running on my own power, trusting myself to change my ways because that has occasionally worked in the past. Yet I continue to make the same mistakes again, continue to follow a cycle that I want to stop.

And only He has the strength that I need.

Sometimes I wonder if giving up all that I want is worth it. And even as I think it, I think back to all that He has worked through in my life and know that the question is utterly redundant.

But even then, He wasn't done showing me the things that He wanted me to see. This morning at church, the sermon was on "Transformational Discipleship" and was all about allowing others to see our weaknesses and working wholeheartedly towards change by throwing off the sin and then replacing it with a new mindset.

And it centered around Romans 12:1-2:

"And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice -- the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don't copy the behaviour and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." (NLT)

Because, as humans, we have a sinful pattern built in. We resort to the same maneuvers again and again when places with tempting situations... we succumb.

What it is required to daily act out His commands is a rewiring. A rewiring of our brains, our habits, our systems of response, of the way that we think.

A rewiring until He is first and we are last.

And it comes with laying down of our personal plans, our personal ambitions, our hopes and dreams of self glorification.

It's all about Him.

And He is so able. So able to keep us from falling.

"Now all glory to God, who is able to keep you from falling away and will bring you with great joy into his glorious presence without a single fault." Jude 1:24 (NLT)

He's working on me.

Willing

As school crushes in, Diplomas loom, studying seems like a nightmare and other responsibilities beg for my undivided attention... I attempt to close myself in something telephone-booth-like and emerge Superwoman. Able to do anything and everything with perfection, never getting tired, always paying attention... never procrastinating.

Instead, I find myself more often remaining inside that thing-resembling-a-telephone-booth and hiding. Hiding from all the things that I have entangled myself in and enjoy equally.

So when I read from Luke 5 and thought on it, I was hit hard.

To summarize:

"In one of the villages, Jesus met a man with an advanced case of leprosy. When the man saw Jesus,  he bowed with his face to the ground, begging to be healed. 'Lord,' he said, 'if you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean.' Jesus reached out and touched him. 'I am willing, ' he said. 'Be healed!' And instantly the leprosy disappeared."
Luke 5:12-13 (NLT)

"Some men came carrying a paralyzed man on a sleeping mat. They tried to take him inside to Jesus, but they couldn't reach him because of the crowd. So they went up tot he roof and took off some tiles. Then they lowered the sick man on his mat down into the crowd, right in front of Jesus. Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the man, 'Young man, your sins are forgiven.'"
Luke 5:18-20 (NLT)

The very first question for that day (in this book that I started working through since the changing of calendars) was this:

Compare the faith of the leper with that of the friends of the paralytic. Of what was the former uncertain? And how did the latter display their faith? What can we learn from these miracles about prayer?

Do you see?

It was all about willingness.

Those who came to Him had  to believe that He was willing. Willing to heal the hurts and forgive sins.

And I have to believe the same today.

Believe that He is willing to take my load and lighten it for me, to show me what deserves attention and when. To be my all in all. To be my Superman.

Because I am so weak.

And He is so willing.

If only I ask, coming before Him knowing that He longs to be involved in every part of my life, to take my every burden.

And this changes how I pray... I pray knowing that He is willing to do what I ask, if it is within His will, willing to heal, to answer prayers, to there.

Not that He is a vending machine, but because He is who He is and for the glory of His Name.

He has been waiting so long, so patiently, so lovingly... to help you.

Will you let Him?

True

As I read my reading that day, I found myself zoning. Zoning because I had read this story so often, and so recently.

You'll all know what I'm talking about once I mention the word "birth."

It's a lovely story, but just as the saying says: "Familiarity breeds contempt," sometimes the story loses a bit of its shine when it's repeated so often. 

I read about Jesus' birth foretold, about Mary visiting Elizabeth and the song that she sang. Then I went back to read through the asterisks and some cross-references. 

And a certain one snagged my eye and made me take another look at the story:

"What's more, your relative Elizabeth has become pregnant in her old age! People used to say she was barren, but she has conceived a son and is now in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:36-37 (NLT)

The bolded part had an asterisk by it, and when I looked down, I found myself taken by surprise:

For the word of God will never fail.

At first, the two seemed incongruous to me. 

And then it hit me. 

Does it hit you?

It's not that nothing is impossible with God (although it is)... it's that if He says it, it will happen, no matter how far-fetched and crazy it seems at times. 

Mary probably understood that. I can imagine how reassuring she would've found that.  

And it's now, when I find myself surrounded by doubts about futures, money, academics, and life in general, that I need those words. 

Words of being unfailing, of being faithful... of being true. 

I will hear His voice, telling me which way to go (whether through His word or in another form), and I will find Him, if I seek faithfully. 

He has promised.

He is just as true in whatever promise you are clinging to today. 

His word never fails.




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Worthy

These last days have been hard.

Diploma exams, friends, test, assignments, conversations, appointments, sleep... they all swirl around this head that is tired of hearing it all.

And I find myself stressing. Stressing over the tiniest mistakes I make, regretting those moments during tests when I changed answers, thinking about what I could've done differently.

Becoming overly competitive and slightly hostile towards those who are trying to pursue the same thing as me... excellence.

The thing is, this excellence isn't the good kind.

This excellence is the kind that gives me the glory, the ribbons, the admiring looks, the teacher's knowing nods, the feeling that I have a significant worth in others' eyes.

And as it's been piling up on me, little grievances one upon another, and my calendar stands packed and everything surrounds... He fades.

It was when I was washing dishes late at night, listening to music that makes the mundane a majestic moment, when I heard it.

Words of laying down... of crowns placed at His feet.

Of holiness.

And as my hands paused from their work, and my elbows rested on the edges of the sink, and my eyes closed... I saw.

Saw how my days had been worthless without placing Him at the forefront.

Saw how He is the only reason I live and breathe and if I do not glorify Him in my day... it had no purpose.

And I lay them down.

Those crowns that I have been hoarding, kept in a cupboard so that I could shine them and meditate on the greatness of... myself.

Bringing them out hurt. Their glimmer seems like dirt when placed next to His feet.

But that's where they belong.

And I belong bowed there. Seeking only Him.

Finding Him... worthy.

Worthy of all the opportunities I may have to let go, worthy of all my time, energy and talents, worthy of my money, worthy of... everything that I am.

Worthy of being seeked with all of my heart.

Faithful

Although this new phrase came into my attention more than a week ago, I've simply been either too swamped or lazy to have written anything about it.

Once again, I was flipping through my Bible, looking at all the things that He had shown me while I had read through it (I finished reading through it for the second time this past year). Finding underlined commandments, promises, challenges and everything else that is found in this amazing book.

Somehow the Old Testament has always held a big fascination to me. Looking at my Bible, there is considerably more gilt rubbed off the pages at the top of the first half than in the latter half.

I think it has something to do with promises. 

They're always there, and in times when I feel as if everything else is going downhill, I know that I can claim them and that everything else is under His control. 

And I reached the famous passage of Jeremiah 29:11, and read all three of the verses I had underlined there: 

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NLT)

And as much as the first verse has hit me hard in the past, it was the last one that caught my attention. 

Because there are no ands... no buts... no what ifs. 

If I pursue him wholeheartedly, letting go of all distractions, and search for Him in the brokenness, in the joy, in the pain, in the delight, in the everyday and the ordinary.... I will find Him.

The Creator, Father, Son, Holy Spirit, Lover, Provider, my All in All, and everything else that He is. 

And that's my pursuit this year. 

To seek Him with nothing held back. 

Knowing that I will find Him in the fullness of all that He is. 

Knowing... that He is faithful. 

Reminded

I was skimming through my Bible this morning, pausing as I turned the pages to read the words that I had underlined. Words that had hit me hard once, and often bring a fond smile as I look back on them as I remember what they taught me.

It's amazing how this one Book can teach so much, has taught so much, to so many people over such a long period of time.

It never grows old.

And as I flipped through Jeremiah, the words of the weeping prophet remind me of why things are the way they are, and why I have cause to be so thankful:

"I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself." Jeremiah 31:3 (NLT - bolded mine)

He loves you.

Every single inch was handmade with care, crafted with excellence and the knowledge of who you were going to become.

It's an unfailing love, this.

It sees past the sin smudges to the beauty that was created when He decided that you would be.

And as I looked outside, I was reminded once again, of how I need to be reminded of His love, which I have written about before.

The way that He mixes textures and colours leaves me with my head back and my eyes roaming the sky, smiling.
 

His name is truly written everywhere, isn't it?

He makes my day.

Newness

It seems strange that this day, as every other, has a morning, an evening, a night. It has snow on the ground, wind whistling through bare branches, and the sound of vehicles and people travelling. 

It's not that extraordinary.

But it is.

It's a new beginning... or as I saw someone put it: "New Year's Day is every man's birthday."

It's a chance to start over again, to go back to scratch, to breathe and try again. 

Yet, it's only a man-made holiday, and it reminds me of how everyday in the year is a Christian's New Year's Day:

"But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:21-23 (ESV)

Another thing it reminds me of is the beginnings of this blog, when I plunged into a different way of expressing myself that has morphed into something so satisfactorily freeing. 

I don't know what is coming up this year. Oh, I know what's scheduled to happen, but that's not most likely what I'll remember when this time come next year. Rather, it's the lessons, the experiences, the memories, and the friends that remain lodged in my mind even when the calendar is replaced. 

I don't know what He's wanting to teach me this year, but I do know that it will draw me closer to Him in ways that I don't anticipate this year. 

He's taught me so much about being still... 

- to "be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act"

- to rest in hope when things don't look so good

- to be blessed when He shows reward for waiting

 

and so much more...

There might be a new word/phrase that He will give to me in these next few days, but He may just as well have more to teach me about being still. 

We'll just have to wait and see...