Breaking

It was strange... as if being in that certain place with certain people made me change.

I entered the building, tired after working for a few hours, and was confronted by noisy children, one of those blow-up-jumpy-castles and food. But among all of these were interspersed people that I know. Schoolmates, friends' parents, kids I had babysat. And all of them surrounded me as I fought to find my family.

Coming near that row of bleachers where the others in my class were seated, it was strange to think that tomorrow, I enter back into that world... and then after it's done, I never have to face it again. Of course, I'll have some secondary education of some sort, but not with people who have known me for 6 years of my life.

It's the same way every year. Coming back from the summer, trying to impress others with your tan, or summer vacation, all the while gearing up for a load of school work. Who am I really trying to impress? Am I trying to make them like me? But don't they already? It's a commonly known, though not often exhibited, fact that most people think others are watching them more often then people actually are.

And that's what breaks me from this inward, self-centered, boasting circle that I go in. Everybody feels the same! We all want acceptance, acknowledgements of our gifts and pasts, love even when we don't meet up to others' standards, and being known for who we are inside. It'll be crazy to meet some of these people in heaven and to see the insides of them. If I know them well enough, I already see that, but for those who I don't know so well, it will be very cool.

Having learned so much this summer, having started thinking about how to make this year the most challenging, stretching, learning, applying, daring year that I have yet had, it was hard to enter that building to find that I was reverting.

Reverting to what I was. Or... what I set myself up as. When did that image ever get started? When did people attribute certain things to me? When did I make a box or category for myself? Did I or did others? Needless to say, there are certain things different people are known for. She's musical, he's a math genius, all he cares about is sports, they never really listen, don't do a group project with them... etc. Everybody knows these things. But the thing is... people change. Or... at least they want to.

I've found myself so often held back by others' interpretation of who I am and what I'm made up of. I constantly go back to what I am known for... refusing to grow or to think about doing the things that are not natural to me. But it's those things that aren't easily attainable and that don't show in my everyday life... those are the things that I'm seeking after this year.

So as I left that building, I had to think. How am I going to do this? This wall...this seemingly crystal clear cage that everybody sees through and I see out of, but still surrounds me... how is it to be broken? How is it to be shattered to never rise again? How am I going to prevent another crystal box to take its place? How am I going to make myself ever changing, ever learning, ever being... myself?

It takes energy, planning, initiative, talking to people, doing uncomfortable things. Things that leave me wondering if I'll fail... because I'm not strong. But He is... and I'm hoping (actually, knowing) that when I work together with Him (more like a little child "writing" the alphabet for the first time with the parent really doing all the work and contributing all the skill)... I will be able to break free... forever.

Ready

I waded through the Rubbermaid and boxes today. Pulling out binders, opening this package of paper, trying to find a set of dividers in the mis-matched pile. Testing my pens, getting new highlighters, unpacking what I packed at the end of last year.

Earlier this week, I went to the school to return something and as I walked down the second floor to the library, I could imagine what it would look like in a few days time. Three more days! That's all there is. People walking purposefully down the hallways, others meandering, Grade 7ers scared spitless, and new locker combos to figure out. Old teachers, new classes. More homework, more juggling.

I'm not ready. Well... not ready, ready. But getting there ready. A few weeks ago, the deadline of school coming made me panic as my bank account stood still. I was stressed... I wanted to postpone school until I was ready. Until I felt secure. Now that the amount is steadily rising, I'm ready in that area. But in others???

I'm ready to see my friends again. Ready for routine. Ready for the extra-curricular things that make me see my friends. Ready for playing music and singing.

I'm not ready. Not ready to have homework, not ready to have stress. Not ready to worry about deadlines or having to squeeze friend time in. Not ready for making sure my priorities are where they're supposed to be. Not ready for feeling scared, big 12th Grader that I am. Not ready for asking for help to figure out my locker combo (happens almost every year), not ready to fail to meet my expectations.

But most of all, I'm not ready to not be lazy. I want to make this year so GOOD. I want to have the most meaningful relationships, I want to keep my studies up, I want to learn what He has in store for me, I want to reach out to those who hide in corners, etc. But what I really want to do... is do all the things that I haven't done in the past for fear. Because really... this is the end. I'll never have another chance, I'll never be able to say "Oh, I'll do that next year." I'm leaving this bubble in a year, and I'm not ready to have regrets.

My biggest arch enemy in this is myself. Because of who I am, many things will slip by, many opportunities will be passed by, many people will not be touched. Because I AM LAZY. I like my comfort zone... I really, really do. I like knowing what comes next, and routine is my best friend. I like to be on top of things... on the inside of things. Not on the outside.. not in the unknown. Not in that position (oh, heavens, no) where I let Him tell me what to do.

I'm not ready to be strong. And yet, am I ever? I'm only human, I reason... but that's not a reason - that's an excuse. And yet as I struggle to prepare myself and set reasonable goals for this year, the passage about Paul and the thorn in his flesh is brought to my mind.

Paul was caught up to heaven and was given visions and revelations from the Lord, but to keep him from becoming proud and boastful, he was given a thorn in his flesh, a messenger from Satan. (Christy's Personal Paraphrase).

Then, words come that shoot straight to my heart:

"Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, NLT)

Did you hear that? "My power works best in weakness", "For when I am weak, then I am strong"? All these weeks leading up to school, I've wanted to be strong. I've wanted to conquer, succeed, and be lauded. But that's not what it's really about. It's about Him. If I accomplished all these things and got praised for it, I would be filled with pride and self-centeredness.

It seems weird and backwards to pray "Lord, please make me weak," but as the days tick off until my last-ever-first-day-of-high-school starts... that's what I'm doing to get ready.

Leap

I held the phone, studying the numbers on the screen. It was an easy link to something that excited me and yet scared me to my very depths. I dialed the first number and got an answering machine, which only served to dampen my spirits even more. Closing my eyes, I talked: Oh, Father.. is this of You? Do you want me to do this? I'm so, so, so incredibly scared. Of what, I'm not really sure. Failure? Hurt pride? Help me! Finally, encouraging myself with thoughts like All she can say is no, and It doesn't hurt to try... I leaped.

Immediately when she picked up, I was scared. But her breezy, "Hello... what can I do for you?" made opening the conversation easier.

"Umm... I was talking to a friend while helping out at Nursery and she said that you might have some aide work for me to do...", etc. And that's where it all came together. She was enthusiastic, she had needed someone badly, and now was just perfect. We arranged a meeting time and as soon as I put down the phone, I was doing a major happy dance along with the words "Hallelujah, grace like rain!"

The meeting was okay. Wasn't easy-breezy, but that's not the way I expected it to be (although I hoped). There were no complaints, just a totally new playing field that I had never had to deal with before. A new person to love, a new place to get to know. I find it incredibly special that I have gotten to work with some of the ones that He holds close to His heart. I see a constant reflection of Him, His ways, and all that He is, in them. They have hearts like a child, and I pray that I might become like them.

I am still scared. Scared to my core. Scared of what might happen; what will happen. Scared of not doing enough.. of not fulfilling all that I know I am capable of... of not giving and loving with all that I am. Scared of not letting Him work His way in me in this situation.

And yet, I am so ecstatic! The way that He has provided.. filling up this week with things to occupy, challenge and provide me. I love that He loves to surprise and delight me. He loves to finish off with a bang... especially when I trust Him (or attempt to).

P.S. Since she has other aides with similar names to mine, guess what I get called? Rose!!! :D

Resting In Hope

These last few days with school looming in the immediate, instead of the far, future, I have tried to rest. Because my automatic response to problems is to do something about it. One of my strongest pet peeves is when people sit around complaining about their problems but then do nothing to fix them, especially when action is the obvious thing to do.

So, it's not easy for me to rest. I was reading a book recently, and it talked about resting in hope. It wasn't used in quite the same context as I have been using it, but it appealed to me. It's not that I'm being lazy, and it's not that I'm being still... it's resting in hope; in expectation.

I've always heard that it's not enough to ask God to direct you... you have to be going somewhere. Your foot needs to be on the gas before the steering wheel can take you anywhere. I like maps... GPS's are good, too. They tell you how to get where you want to go. But waiting... uh-uh.

So, these last few days, with my bank account sitting at not nearly the sum I desire, it's hard to choose to rest.. to rest in hope above all things... to be still.

Hills

My shadowy feet move in circles. One.. two... one... two... I look up ahead of me, squinting as the sun hits my eyes. Halfway is behind me... I'm on my way home. The steady swish of bicycle tires against pavement sounds in my ears. The crickets start their song and the brown-eyed Susans nod to me from their roadside homes.

I look up ahead and groan as I see them. Four stair-cased hills, each one higher than the last. My leg muscles burn, my breath is not as deep as it was when I started out and now I face what seem to me to be mountains.

I bike over the smooth, straight road, dreading the hills up above. As I come closer, they loom even bigger and I start to pedal harder. Steadily, smoothly, watching the shadows underneath my bike tire move... keeping that white line at the side of my vision, like a living, moving, white snake that is racing along with me.

Keep your eyes on your feet,I say to myself, wondering how one hill can cause so much pain. I shift down a few gears and can't help glancing up. Ugh! I'm not even close! I bend my head down and concentrate on my feet, hoping that if I don't look, I can convince my legs that they're zooming across a level, flat plain of road with no hill in sight. It works for a little while, until I have to shift down another gear.

Looking up again, the top seems closer, and yet I steadily pedal on, just wanting it to be over... but also knowing that beyond this hill, there is another... and another...and another.

Somehow, I crest all four hills. The sign that signals 4.5 kilometers comes into sight, and there is flat road again. I try and maintain a steady pace while glancing at the watch that is timing my efforts, wanting to beat my time. There is only one hill before me, and I laugh inside of myself as I approach it, remembering how it used to daunt me.

I rise over the top and see the water tower ahead of me. Now, to most of you, our little town isn't much, but at those moments, it's like the Celestial City itself.

As I finished up my race with myself and calmed my breathing, and put away my bike, it struck me. While I was looking at my feet, the hills didn't seem so big... in fact, if I never looked up, I wouldn't have known how big they were. Isn't that the same with Him?

I see big hills ahead. It's Grade 12, everyone's asking the dreaded question, "So... what do you want to do after you graduate?" Smaller bumps are in between.. academics, a job, the Colombia trip.

Somewhere, from someone, sometime... I have no clue, I heard a new perspective on Psalm 119:105.

"Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path." (NIV)

It says that His Word is a lamp. What is a lamp? A small light. What does it show? Just my feet. JUST my feet. Nothing else. He doesn't illuminate the whole path. He doesn't highlight the hills. He shows me JUST enough for right now. JUST enough for the next step.


As I run this race... keeping it steady and strong, focusing on my feet is hard. Because I like to worry, honestly. I like to complain to Him about how big my hills are and how little others' look in comparison. His response is: "Look at your feet. I can take care of the hills. Look at your feet."


Someday, I'll crest into the Celestial City (the real one this time), and there will be no more hills. There will be no more race. I will slow down, I will stop, I will surrender my earthly "bike."


But for right now... I look at my feet.

Pleasure

I opened up the book yesterday, and turned to my chapter. The title hit me hard - Planned for God's Pleasure. I struggle with this... a lot, in both simple and complex ways. Simple, because I find it hard to take my eyes off of me and what I want to do, and complex, because... I can't understand that kind of love.

To think that He smiled at my birth.. that He made me the way I am because He simply wanted to. It blows my mind! Too often I see myself as normal... which, in and of itself, isn't that bad. I shouldn't think too highly of myself, and yet to give myself the proper place to which He has assigned me... as His personal pleasure... is a huge balance beam. But, here again, comes in the fact that it's not about me, but Him.

If I simply live my life, working to please Him, in every way I can. To offer my life as a worship of who and what He is. That is my goal... my ultimate aim.

Leaving my devotions, I felt refreshed and new. I felt like I had discovered an oasis. That same day, the lessons I had learned earlier that morning came into play. We were strolling through Ikea.. through that endless serpentine maze of bedrooms, kitchens, dining rooms, bathrooms, and everything else that could make you drool, when I realized that I was doing just that. Drooling... The pleasure that the world offers, the shiny new things, the attention they bring, the space that the craving for new things creates...all leave me empty. It's as if this world is a desert, and these mirages are luring me from the real thing.. the real oasis.

I wonder what the balance is. The difference between having new things and pleasing Him. But for right now, I strive to give Him pleasure, while not falling for the world's.

Gifts

-Warm, soft, baby girl arms wrapped around my neck in the dark. The moments before she realized that I am not her mother, and then the fact that she just looks at me unblinkingly and puts her head back on my chest.

-The "Bee-bo" song, how long it took me to find the CD, and little boy dancing once it was in.

-Playing with bumpy foam letters, reminders of a childhood in Africa.

-A wooden snake found at home in my bag, wanting to return to its Noah's Ark and their home.

-Joining together, in one Spirit, to listen, to learn, to sing, to praise, to laugh, to share, to shake hands, to love.

-Time spent with a Down Syndrome boy. The joy that he finds in everything and the way that he mirrors his Maker.

-Playing chess with my siblings. Learning that they have something to teach me, and that it's okay to lose.

-Picking up my flute, playing along with my Mom on piano. Wondering what others thought when they heard down the street.

-Driving with my father, learning from his wisdom, and laughing together.

-The One who it's all about.

Laughter

We roll on the ground, my friend and I. Doing ridiculous things on her computer, posing for pictures, for which she ducks away. And it's while I fall asleep and listen to her talk, that I thank Him for giving me friends with whom I feel safe.

They're the ones with whom I can share anything and not feel ashamed. To be told their own worries and to see that we're all human. That nothing changes, except that we can choose to judge or to forgive and look beyond. He has blessed me in an overabundance with friends who are willing to draw me close, to forgive my lack of spontaneous calling and excursion planning. To allow me to be me, in all my originality. I only hope that I, in turn, can do the same for them.

To reach out to those whom some may say are unreachable. To push myself beyond the boundaries of my comfort zone to offer the comfort that I've been given. To see their lives changed by simply sharing what I've been given.

One of the greatest gifts that I've been given is laughter. Everyone has it... although, some need it to be unearthed. Sometimes it hides the pain, and sometimes it comes through tears, but laughter is what binds friends.

Waiting

I tacked it up there just a few days ago... that paper torn out of a coloring book. The edge ragged, the colors pre-painted on so that even the most unskilled child could create a masterpiece. Belle and the newly changed Beast-to-prince dancing with a rose above their heads. Their smiles, the evident "ever-after" feeling of the picture always makes me smile. It hangs there on the wall... right beside the little card that is headed "True Love Waits." I couldn't think of anywhere else to put it... but after awhile, there seemed a home for it right there.

I find it hard. My heart goes to so many over the course of time. Attaching to some hope and feelings, others a pedestal that was never there. My heart gets bruised, but it's only my own fault, I know. And yet, as I look in the mirror every morning, my eyes are drawn to that card and to that picture. True love not only waits to share itself physically, but mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and that is something I have to work on.

Waiting is not something I like to do. I want the answers now, and I want them to be what I expected. But what I find my eyes drawn to the most is the rose. Some know, others don't, the importance of a rose to me. A rose means the very deepest, most romantic, most intimate part of me. It's my middle name. Although I love the flower because I am associated with it, I love it for other things. The way that it smells, for one. The deep, lingering, sweetness that is evident to anyone even anywhere near a rose. The way the color shifts in different parts of the flower, going from deep to light, to deep again. The variety in the flower... one to suit every mood.

Someday, he'll come. Hopefully sweep me off my feet... the shy romantic that I am. He'll pursue and woo. Show himself to be a man of godly character who loves kids and missions. He'll take the time to uncover all that I am.. every shifting shade, every color, every scent.

But until that day... I wait.

Storms

Cuddled up, wrapped in a blanket cocoon. A purring cat by my side and darkness all around me. Outside, silence is rent by the sharp darts of lightning and the booming answer of thunder. I was always told that when storms happened, He was rearranging His furniture. Wow, I thought. That last one must have been the couch!

And yet, oddly enough, I feel peace. I love storms. The rain and the fresh smell that it brings. The cleansing that it symbolizes. But most of all.. I love knowing that I'm safe. That inside these walls, none of what's outside can touch me. So, all I have to do is to enjoy it.

What I fail to realize sometimes, though, is the comparison this brings to my own life. Too often when storms come, I run and hide, just as a little child does, to His bed. There He comforts me, but when the biggest crash of all comes, I still huddle closer. What I should know, above all, is that I am safe, even when not "next" to Him. Within His walls, nothing can touch me. Absolutely nothing! He has built His hedge of protection around me, and even though the prospects of certain situations may make me afraid, all I have to do is snuggle down and enjoy. Because, I have nothing to worry about.. after all, I'm in His house.

Memories

I sorted through that box today.. well, make that boxes. Those fragile, cardboard containers that held the remnants of my memories. For what is a picture, a scrap of paper? Nothing! Unless it leads you to the story behind it. That's where the memories lie. I sorted through them, taking out the unnecessary bits, that section that will grow larger as I grow older and don't really need to remember everything. It was strange to see my whole life laid out before me. Journals, pictures, baby books, school report cards, etc. So much of who I am... and yet not really. What I am is what these memories have caused me to become.. how they've shaped me... not exactly the memory themselves

Which led me to think: what memories am I making today? Am I setting aside time from my "normal" life to either document it or make it exciting? I went to see a play today.. laughed.. and made a memory. Smiled as the real (yay!) rose petals came down. Sniffed them and brought home seven of them to keep. So that I can keep on smiling as I smell them. I hope that some of the memories that others have of me are pleasant and sweet smelling. That I may be spreading His sweet fragrance wherever I go. That when I look back, my life would smile back at me and I would be left with no regrets, just with memories.

Idyllic

Summer sun, summer breeze. Best friends, babies to hold, horses to pet, water to play with. Mowing the lawn, playing my flute, reading, watching the news, listening to Odyssey and crosstiching. Dentist appointments, the library. Chores to do and siblings to relax with. Games to play, books being read out loud. Apples fallen to the ground, sweat.

All add up to a pretty relaxing day. It's nice being in charge for a few days, and yet I'm glad that it won't last for long. I miss the other half of my family! And yet, to have the mantle of responsibility lain on my shoulders for just a few days makes me realize that someday I will be independent. They'll drag me out, kicking and screaming, but someday, I won't be this involved in my family. I'll pursue my own dreams, do my own chores, make my own rules. It's nice to have a reminder to savor today.

Struggling

I have so many doubts... so many fears. I wish I lived in a bubble sometimes, not having to care about anything but what to do next. But what is life but the adventure of living, surviving, getting through? With only a few weeks left until school starts, I'm struggling with how He provides. I knew that He wanted to me go to Colombia.. but now? It seems like money is trickling in. Where's the line between trusting and trying? For putting myself out there?

And yet, another struggle. One that will last just as long. How important is He to me? How much do I value His holiness? A few friends asked me the other day to participate in an event with them, and I was surprised, but very happy. And then comes the news... it takes place on a Sunday. Questions immediately fill my mind. Why is the Sabbath holy anyway? What is it about it that I shouldn't do a race on it? Talking to my parents, getting their views.. it's all so confusing but something that I need to determine for myself. What is my stance on Sundays? As a family, we try to not go out to places to eat, and instead stay home and rest, maybe do some family things. As kids, we're not "allowed" to do homework. It's not a law, but something that we try and do to honor Him and to give ourselves a rest.

But what about me? Personally? It's so much easier when it's someone else holding a law or line above your head instead of yourself. Because then you start to wiggle, question, try to squirm around it, put it off until next time, so that eventually, it's not effective at all anymore. This issue about Sunday and what my views about how I personally am going to respect it .... is causing me to struggle. Because I want to be with my friends sooo badly. And yet I recognize that He may want something different from me. Would I be willing to give up spending time with my friends if it means keeping the Sabbath holy? How important is He to me?

As I start to do a topical study on it, just with the small concordance my Bible has in the back, certain words are brought up again and again. Holy... honor... rest... Where do they all come together? Ultimately, it's a fight between me doing what I want, or the possibility of Him asking me to do what I don't want. This is what it means to follow Him: laying down myself, knowing that He is better.

And yet, to find peace in whatever decision that He brings. To stand firm and to not sway. To find the line between "if I do this... but, this..." and working something out. I sit here, struggling... knowing that He knows.

Answers

With this year of Grade 12 looming in front of me, I've had to really bring a lot of things in front of His feet and sit and listen. I want to do well academically, although I don't want my competitive nature to be able to extinguish what I do have of a social life. I want to give myself time and yet fill it with fun and fulfilling things to do. Most of all, I don't want to look back at my Grade 12 year and wish that I had done things differently.

One of the biggest decisions that I had facing me was the decision of whether or not I should be involved in Bible Quizzing this year. For all of you who have never heard of it... learn about it! I first was involved in Grade six as a rookie and have now passed on to the senior divisions. And yet, it consumes a large amount of time. Time spent memorizing verses, going over questions, getting multiple answer chapter verse reference questions down pat (now, no one but quizzers can fully understand what that means) and going over key words. It fills up an evening a week, joining together as a team and practicing. There are weekend tournaments and review nights. You need to review verses, say them three weeks in a row. Oh, and not only that, but there are levels of memory. And me being me, I want to do and be the best at something that I try, not stay where it's easier, which means more time spent memorizing and reviewing.

But, at the end of this year of Bible Quizzing, at Nakamun, I was struggling with this issue. All around me, I could see people changed by simply memorizing 45 verses in a year. And yet, there were around 30 people in Alberta who memorized every single word in the book of John. Amazing! Being around those of a similar faith and of similar commitment to putting His words into their hearts does something to you. It makes you feel safe and accepted, as well as being able to prove yourself on grounds other than academics, looks or personality. There is a community...a family even.

During the summer, my fervor waned as I realized just how much I had stacked against me. I had filled my schedule with every single course possibility that I could take and now was thinking about the time commitment it would take to make it a fun (as opposed to stressful) year. Add to that other things, say a Bible Study, maybe a job, His Singers (I hope), Band practice hours, etc... I could just see my time wasting away and the first thing that I was eager to scrap was Bible Quizzing. Why? Because, honestly, I haven't been able to hold myself up to my standards of "if I'm doing this, I'm doing this so well that others will take notice of me".. in fact, I was doing normal... unnoticeably normal. Which, obviously, was my pride speaking.

Then, comes in this morning. I had prayed, going through the things that I needed wisdom for, trying to lay them at His feet, while at the same time keeping my pinky finger curled around the edge, ready to pull it back. Then, I went to my Bible. I had just finished my daily Bible reading plan a few days ago and was searching for a passage to read. Thinking about all the things that I had to make decisions about and soon, I turned to Proverbs, which, to my mind, was the place to go if I was looking for wisdom. Starting from the beginning, I started flipping through, and something caught my eye right away. It was the subtitle above Proverbs 3, which read Trusting in the Lord. Okay, I thought, I'll give this one a shot.

And then... oh, just then, I read verse 1:

"My child, never forget the things I have taught you. Store my commands in your heart."

Guess what hit me... really, really hard. Here I was, quibbling over what I would have time for, when really, what I should have worried about was where my priorities had gone. Was I really so far gone that I was considering cutting out what might be the thing through which He taught me the most important lessons that I need to learn, such as humility, grace, patience, mercy, and more? It made me shocked at what I had been thinking, and I immediately underlined this part of the verse.

Moving on to verse 2:

"If you do this, you will live many years, and your life will be satisfying."

What had I been looking for? For fun; for fulfillment. And what was He promising here? His satisfaction.. His peace.. what more do I need? I am so glad that He gives answers when I am still...

Would I?

On the last night of camp, one of the senior guy counselors got up to share during the fireside and what he said hit me hard. He had been struggling with the question: "If I had the choice right now to go to heaven or not, would I?" It hit me hard because I've struggled a lot with this in the past. I have so many dreams and yet I know that what He's got in store is so much better.

I went to a wedding today, saw all that happened, closed my eyes during the music and dreamed. Someday... I want these things. I want to fall in love, deeply, madly, wholly. I want to smile and feel accepted by the one that He will give me. I want to hold hands and walk down streets talking about anything and everything. I want to get married, join in a union before Him and my family and friends. I want to celebrate. To be known and to know fully of that one. To travel the world.
To swell with the gift of children. To have sticky fingers holding my own. To gather my arms full of those that He has blessed me with. To see them off to school, to make their lunches. To someday see them graduated, to be proud of everything that I have done, even though at times I will feel as though I have failed. To present to the world children who are not ashamed of who they are in Him, but will share it in the way that they live.  To grow old and gray. To visit my grandchildren. To someday say goodbye and go home to be with Him.

All this talk of going home yesterday made me question where my home really is. Am I so attached to the earth that I truly and really think of it as my one and only home? Or do I give it only the importance that it is due as a temporary resting place before I pass on? I have so many dreams. And yet, do I envy those who are already in His presence? Do I long to be held in His embrace. I came home today to a father back from a long trip. Do I long to hug Him as tightly as I hugged my earthly father? Sometimes that answer changes. Sometimes it's yes... and sometimes it's no. But what should it be? I know the right answer. Yet, my vision is so often skewed. We're brought up to think that this life is what we're living for, instead of only a mere training phase before the real thing happens. We're taught to think of life as a good thing and death as a bad thing, when really it only opens up the doors to even more. Sure, we mourn those who are gone, and yet, if they are passing on to joy, we will see them again. It's not really passing on.. more like passing forward, while we are left behind. Do I feel left behind? Or do I feel ahead? The question remains... would I?

Longing

We pulled up to the airport with its blue signs and white arrows. The hustle and bustle of people destined to move great spaces in a very short amount of time. The sound of that mechanical voice announcing flight arrivals and departures. And a wave swept over me. A wave of longing.
Longing that I had my suitcases with me, and a passport and ticket in hand.
Longing for watching airplanes, trying to figure out which one was mine.
Longing for perfume browsing with a father who delighted in making forever memories with his daughters.
Longing to load that plane, to see if maybe, oh, maybe.. there might be movies on this leg of the trip.
Longing to see if I got the window seat.
Longing for that snack tray.
Longing for trying to sleep on an upright airplane seat.
Longing, even, for hour long layovers in a foreign city.
Longing for my eyes to brighten with anticipation.
Longing to walk out and have that warm wave of humidity stifle me.
Longing, that now, even now, brings tears to my eyes.
Longing to go home...

Longing that has to wait. Too often, it hides in the back of my mind, those memories of before. It seems like all my past has been divided up into before, during and after. After the Thing That Took Me Away. But when it comes forward, with news of a family pet killed, with hugging Rachel and saying hello after three years, with telling others of my past and future dreams... it comes forward with force. My throat tightens, my eyes water, and I have to breathe deep. Because, buried deep under African soil... is my heart. It is content here, as long as I ignore the past. But inside of me, that longing is there and I miss it, so very, very much.
The safety that I feel in the embrace of the warm atmosphere and the wide sky. The palm trees, lush forests, banana plantations, rubber tree groves. People with dark skin willing to take me in. Traditional cloth that embodies so much history in its design. Celebrations with parades. Roasting corn over an open fire. Conferences with other missionary families. Homeschooling. Traveling to the black and white sanded beaches. Saying names and places that others would recognize.
Our white landcruiser. My bunkbed. Our house. My Anne of Green Gables series sitting on my shelf. My many stuffed animals. A bookshelf full of assorted books. Climbing trees. Eating fruit.. mangoes, bananas, guavas, oranges, and many more. Going to church for three hours on a Sunday. Matching as a family in traditional clothing. Open air markets. Shopping for Christmas presents when it's sweltering outside. Madly dancing to the Nutcracker. So much more that cannot be expressed...

I can hardly wait for two years to be over.

Counting

1) The endearing little boy that I get to work with. Him, with the big brown eyes, and little, cool hands that slip into mine. Who asks me to carry his Batman lunch kit, and tell him how to spell everything hockey. Who knows that there is more than one kind of race car. I always seem to fall for the little guys...

2) The aggravating, confusing boy that I get to work with. Him... my personal grace grower for the week. Who hides inside his anger and likes to be outside all alone. I struggled to understand, and finally just lowered myself to the ground and suggested we build a city out of the dirt he was playing in. Soon, that city evolved into an ocean, and he was narrating to me his own version of Jaws. That he would ask to hold my hand on the way to the park, that he would ask for me to come out and watch him, that he would be touched... is the greatest blessing of all.

3) Campfires and bannock with friends. To be taught and to learn. To listen and to laugh. To accept and to comfort. To realize that even though I may go far, that these will hold me close and love me truly for me.

4) Adventures with friends. A picnic on the third hill. For bike rides and sore muscles. For hamburgers and chips. For fields dotted with hay bales gleaming in the evening sun. For laughter and a checked table cloth to sit on.

5) Family. For a father away, for a mother at home. For siblings who laugh and play. Watching movies, playing Wii, chasing the cat, and doing chores.

6) The garden. For rows of lettuce, fresh peas in the pod, beans ready to be picked, and much more to come.

7) Life. The freedom that He gives. That He enjoys giving me good and perfect gifts. That creation is in His hands, and that He had the creativity to make it all.

8) Him. The bestest blessing of all. The One whom I struggle to know and yet see all around me.

9) You. For taking the time out of your day to read this. That you care about me and the random happenings in my life. Thank you!

10) Counting my blessings. Truly, I can see what He has done. And this is only from one week!

Blessed

"Hey, Mom?"
"Yeah?"
"Did anyone ever call while I was gone to Camp for me to babysit?"
"No, not really. Maybe some the first week, but after that, none."
Few hours later...
*phone rings*
"Hello?"
"Hey, is this Christy?"
"Sure is!"
"We need someone to babysit tonight for about an hour to an hour and a half, you available?"
"For sure!"

I'm so incredibly blessed! Beyond words and explanation, He works His wonderful way. They hadn't even known that I was gone for three weeks! To have them call a day after I arrived home was a miracle! You must realize that I have no income this summer aside from babysitting and random odd jobs that I've picked up here and there. But nothing extremely steady.
Which is making me worry. I need money... like.. need, NEED money. Money of my own... that can't be given to me. And yet, as I wrote yesterday, I feel that He is honoring my sacrifice of three weeks at Camp totally as a volunteer (unless a Staff T-shirt and $10 tuck per week count). He knows that I need money in order to go on this missions trip to Colombia. And through my doubt, through my worry... He is showing me how much He can truly provide. I have only to be still... and He is here.

Highlights

Excerpts from my journal while at Camp:

July 10th - First Day
Knower,
You knew how I'd feel, didn't You? The joy that welled in me and how I would close my eyes, cease to sing and just listen. As we began to sing, the voices of everyone gathered together in a single building singing the praises of One God - You. To think that someday we will all join - all the world that has been and is now. That someday we will sing Your praises forever... and ever..and ever!

July 13th -Salvation
Abba,
It was such a great privilege to lead Sarah to You and yet nothing changed inside of me. Even as the speaker talked about how to be saved, it struck me again how huge a sacrifice You made. And yet it doesn't seem like the person that I meet day by day is the same as the one who saved my life. I know that my relationship and connection to You doesn't depend on feelings, but I want to feel close to You. Please guide me.

July 16th - Rachel
Knower,
You knew. You knew all along how awesome yesterday was going to be. To see Rachel and to hug her hello instead of good-bye as I did three years ago was bliss. To be able to show her a sliver of my life and to receive news in return, just as dear to me, was fantastic. But I just glory in the fact that through all my pain and tears and longing, You knew that moment would come and it was precious beyond belief. Thank You so much for the joy that You generously lavish on Your children. :)

July 17th - Rest
Abba,
As I sit here, soaking in the sun and sweating with the temperature, I revel in the silence. In just a couple hours, kids will once gain fill this place and quietness will be shattered. But now is the time that You've given me for rejuvenation and I realize that these weeks at Camp (quiet or not) are a rejuvenation for my spirit. A time to soak and to absorb everything that's being taught. I look forward to this next week, eager to know how You will use me and what you will teach me.

July 26th - Sight
Abba,
The question that Jeremiah [the speaker] asked us this morning hit me hard. Where does my identity come from? It should come from You but so often it doesn't. It comes from other people's thoughts and ratings of me, academics, my knowledge, etc. I wish I was perfect, but don't I always? Then, there comes the question of is ignorance really bliss? Is it better to know much about You or to trust as a little child does? Where is the line? So often, theological debates leave my head spinning and me wondering who and what You really are. And yet, aren't You what You've revealed Yourself to be, or have I made up a mental picture of you and put Your powers and attributes in a box? It's all so confusing and yet somehow I know that You are love and You are good.

July 28th - Tears
Abba,
Last night was amazing! To be able to cry and to open up to girls that I felt so defenseful towards just a few days earlier. To be able to finally be able to grieve about losing such an amazing woman as Jan. To feel safe, to get out my mistrust about You providing and to receive assurance that You will bless my sacrifice. I love You and how my weaknesses produce the greatest fruit. Help me to lay down and let go. Humble me!

And then, to get home and write this:
July 30th - Confusion
Father,
I feel so weird. So jumbled up inside. I want to be back at Camp, I really do. I feel so safe and loved and fulfilled that I want to stay in my bubble forever. Camp was the mission field that You called me to and now my mission field is back here. To take all the lessons that I've learned and apply them so that they can change my everyday life. I am surrounded by the remnants of the old, but I am something new. I'm so scared that I will slip back and lose all that I learned. To stop being a slightly extraverted, initiating person who encourages and looks for opportunities to serve. Someone who values people above all; one who will not stay still. Someone who wants to be with You.