In Brokenness

Life has been very busy the last few weeks with fine arts events like no one's business. Having them all stacked up together makes for a very tired and sick existence that wants to settle around its own misfortunes.

And having all of these things happening: waking up, eating breakfast, heading out, not seeing family all day, going to bed late, getting tired of the same licks of music and chromatic runs, and being stressed...

It all culminates into a mindset of "I just want to get through today, just want to not be sick, I want to do my best but not give my absolute best effort, I just. want. to. sleep."

Through it all, He's been pushed to the side, and the very fact that this has happened has got me wondering. If He's pushed to the side when my life is the hardest, then I'm treating Him more as a hobby/when-I-have-time-to-concentrate event.

He doesn't demand perfection, although He helps me pursue it, because He knows how sinful and weak I am.  But I feel as if only when I'm clean, caught up, confessed, and other-wise confident in myself that I am able to draw near to Him.

It should be the very opposite. I should find my closest moments to Him when any facade that I was perpetrating cracks and comes raining down , letting Him seep into the parts of me that are broken, bruised, and wounded.

In summary: I still think that I can do it alone.

And I know that I can't, but it's so easy to slip into the routine of doing devotions in the morning, praying before meals, even praising Him for His creation as I bike and walk around town during the day. The thing is, He's something that I can turn on and off.

But at the same time, He isn't.

And a couple of days ago, I broke. I had been sitting at my computer for over three hours, doing absolutely nothing. Sure, there was homework that was due in the future, so there was nothing that I really had to do, but this has happened so often.

And I have taken steps to prevent it from happening, because I know that it is a trap that I so easily fall into, misusing the precious time that He has granted me.

I have often prided myself in the ability that I have to shake things. To say "I need to do this, so I will, no matter how much I don't want to" as if I have an overdrive function inside of me.

But these last few months, that work ethic has gone down the drain and I have succumbed to mediocrity in a lot of areas of my life. I have procrastinated to the extreme in homework, I have ceased to actively catch up on things that I am behind on, I have made my feelings and wants more important than what needs to get done.

All that to say, I was furious at myself for wasting that much time on the computer. An unreasonable fury, perhaps, but fury none the less. And the thing that I hated the most was that He was there, not gloating, but waiting until I realized that I couldn't do it on my own.

I like independence so much! My pride comes back to bite me as He opens up arms wide and I hesitate because I don't want to give up control of my life.

That's what it's all about: who is going to rule in my life? Who is going to rule in yours?

It's so easy to make a commitment, but so hard to stick to it.

And as I hesitated, I realized just how stupid I was being, how dumb it was to hesitate before the love of one who died on a cross so that this very hatred of myself, and guilt at my sin could be erased.

So I ran. Straight into arms that can not, and never will, fail, who held me tight as I sat on my bed and wept, as I realized that my search for Him is far from over and there's so much more to be seen.

I haven't been seeking very well. Most definitely not wholeheartedly. And I haven't been finding. But I want to start doing so, more actively than ever, right now. Not tomorrow, not the day after, not even in another hour. Right now.

And He cheers me on, and I begin, knowing that I will fall, that I am not perfect, but that I am loved, and that He knows me for who He created me to be.

And words inspired eons ago give encouragement:

indeed, if you call out for insight
   and cry aloud for understanding,
and if you look for it as for silver
   and if you look for it as for hidden treasure
then you will understand the fear of the LORD
   and find the knowledge of God
For the LORD gives wisdom;
  from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. 

~Proverbs 2:3-6 (NIV)


I will find Him... not by my own strength or will, but because He desires to be found and because of the fact that we're on a journey together.


A journey of dependence, of weakness..... and of brokenness.