In A New Year

I struggle with what to write, trying to sum up the feeling of anticipation and yet the vacuous waiting for yet another day to come. It's just another day, and yet it's more.

Symbolism of freedom in His new mercies every morning. It shouldn't just be today that I feel an unblemished scroll laid out ahead of me, waiting to be filled with my thoughts, my actions, my dreams.

Everyday is new in His eyes.

And I can't do it... I just can't.

There is so much I aspire to be, so much that I wish I could change about myself in just the snapping of fingers or the twinkle of an eye. So many habits I wish that I could initiate and keep up. So many words that need to be tempered with a kind spirit that I find so lacking in myself. So many things that shouldn't enter my ears, my eyes, my thoughts. So much that I long to change, and yet I know from this past year that I. can't. do. it.

But you wanna know the biggest thing that I learned about God this past year?

He. is.

He is the great I AM. The One who can take every crummy, gross corner of my life, and somehow shape me in a truer form of His Son.

I can't make myself new. He can. And I'm still learning how to lay it all down at His feet and to come to the place of battle and yet stop and hand everything over to Him and say, "It's all yours."

He called me last year to seek after Him. And as I look over some of my past posts, it's crazy how He's revealed Himself more fully in my life.

And this year?

The seeking doesn't end:

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Matthew 6:33 (NLT)

But more than that, He calls me to delight myself in Him:

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires." Psalm 37:4 (NLT)

And as I look outside on this day like every other day and yet the first in this new year of 2013, I can't believe that He delights in me:

"The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand." Psalm 37:23-24 (NLT)

He, the Lord of all creation, delights in me. In me! In watching me go through every day, and seeing my little quirks, smiling at the way that He made me. And I long to learn what it means to delight in Him. The One who is the ultimate delight. To laugh because of His goodness and to just feel that overwhelming joy that can be found in being in His presence in complete brokenness and openness. To go throughout each day, longing to know more of Him and to be found fully in Him, to be in His presence and to never want to leave.

And I've never been a big fan of New Year's resolutions, maybe as a result of their oft-proclaimed tendency to fall flat on their faces. But as I start this year, there are things that I want to focus on, things that I feel I will be drawing myself back to constantly:

~let God define who I am. Too easily, I let society or even myself, tell me that, oh, you can't do that, because you're an introvert, or, who do you think you are? beloved, beautiful? psshh... no. or you've failed at that before, who are you to think that you can succeed this time, and so much more. Yes, I have been made with specific traits, and yet they are to be used for His glory and never as a shield for stepping out of my comfort zone.

~live with purposeful relationships and actions. Once again, it is so easy to let the everyday slip by, and sometimes I find myself with my head on my pillow at the end of the day wondering what I really accomplished in the light of eternity. And this is linked to the statement up above, and 2 Timothy 1:7 comes to mind. For God has not given [me] a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. In His power, I can answer those divine appointments He puts in my path, I can say good morning to that person I never talk to, I can increase my circle of friends, I can keep up with people from home and be willing to make things awkward for a time if that means fruit later on.

In all of this, I'll fail. I know it. It's kind of disappointing sometimes to realize that we'll never be perfect until heaven, but at the same time, it's comforting. He's not done working in my life... He's not done showing me how imperfect I am, and how perfect He is.

He's still showing me that I can't... but He can.