Breaking

It was strange... as if being in that certain place with certain people made me change.

I entered the building, tired after working for a few hours, and was confronted by noisy children, one of those blow-up-jumpy-castles and food. But among all of these were interspersed people that I know. Schoolmates, friends' parents, kids I had babysat. And all of them surrounded me as I fought to find my family.

Coming near that row of bleachers where the others in my class were seated, it was strange to think that tomorrow, I enter back into that world... and then after it's done, I never have to face it again. Of course, I'll have some secondary education of some sort, but not with people who have known me for 6 years of my life.

It's the same way every year. Coming back from the summer, trying to impress others with your tan, or summer vacation, all the while gearing up for a load of school work. Who am I really trying to impress? Am I trying to make them like me? But don't they already? It's a commonly known, though not often exhibited, fact that most people think others are watching them more often then people actually are.

And that's what breaks me from this inward, self-centered, boasting circle that I go in. Everybody feels the same! We all want acceptance, acknowledgements of our gifts and pasts, love even when we don't meet up to others' standards, and being known for who we are inside. It'll be crazy to meet some of these people in heaven and to see the insides of them. If I know them well enough, I already see that, but for those who I don't know so well, it will be very cool.

Having learned so much this summer, having started thinking about how to make this year the most challenging, stretching, learning, applying, daring year that I have yet had, it was hard to enter that building to find that I was reverting.

Reverting to what I was. Or... what I set myself up as. When did that image ever get started? When did people attribute certain things to me? When did I make a box or category for myself? Did I or did others? Needless to say, there are certain things different people are known for. She's musical, he's a math genius, all he cares about is sports, they never really listen, don't do a group project with them... etc. Everybody knows these things. But the thing is... people change. Or... at least they want to.

I've found myself so often held back by others' interpretation of who I am and what I'm made up of. I constantly go back to what I am known for... refusing to grow or to think about doing the things that are not natural to me. But it's those things that aren't easily attainable and that don't show in my everyday life... those are the things that I'm seeking after this year.

So as I left that building, I had to think. How am I going to do this? This wall...this seemingly crystal clear cage that everybody sees through and I see out of, but still surrounds me... how is it to be broken? How is it to be shattered to never rise again? How am I going to prevent another crystal box to take its place? How am I going to make myself ever changing, ever learning, ever being... myself?

It takes energy, planning, initiative, talking to people, doing uncomfortable things. Things that leave me wondering if I'll fail... because I'm not strong. But He is... and I'm hoping (actually, knowing) that when I work together with Him (more like a little child "writing" the alphabet for the first time with the parent really doing all the work and contributing all the skill)... I will be able to break free... forever.