Highlights

Excerpts from my journal while at Camp:

July 10th - First Day
Knower,
You knew how I'd feel, didn't You? The joy that welled in me and how I would close my eyes, cease to sing and just listen. As we began to sing, the voices of everyone gathered together in a single building singing the praises of One God - You. To think that someday we will all join - all the world that has been and is now. That someday we will sing Your praises forever... and ever..and ever!

July 13th -Salvation
Abba,
It was such a great privilege to lead Sarah to You and yet nothing changed inside of me. Even as the speaker talked about how to be saved, it struck me again how huge a sacrifice You made. And yet it doesn't seem like the person that I meet day by day is the same as the one who saved my life. I know that my relationship and connection to You doesn't depend on feelings, but I want to feel close to You. Please guide me.

July 16th - Rachel
Knower,
You knew. You knew all along how awesome yesterday was going to be. To see Rachel and to hug her hello instead of good-bye as I did three years ago was bliss. To be able to show her a sliver of my life and to receive news in return, just as dear to me, was fantastic. But I just glory in the fact that through all my pain and tears and longing, You knew that moment would come and it was precious beyond belief. Thank You so much for the joy that You generously lavish on Your children. :)

July 17th - Rest
Abba,
As I sit here, soaking in the sun and sweating with the temperature, I revel in the silence. In just a couple hours, kids will once gain fill this place and quietness will be shattered. But now is the time that You've given me for rejuvenation and I realize that these weeks at Camp (quiet or not) are a rejuvenation for my spirit. A time to soak and to absorb everything that's being taught. I look forward to this next week, eager to know how You will use me and what you will teach me.

July 26th - Sight
Abba,
The question that Jeremiah [the speaker] asked us this morning hit me hard. Where does my identity come from? It should come from You but so often it doesn't. It comes from other people's thoughts and ratings of me, academics, my knowledge, etc. I wish I was perfect, but don't I always? Then, there comes the question of is ignorance really bliss? Is it better to know much about You or to trust as a little child does? Where is the line? So often, theological debates leave my head spinning and me wondering who and what You really are. And yet, aren't You what You've revealed Yourself to be, or have I made up a mental picture of you and put Your powers and attributes in a box? It's all so confusing and yet somehow I know that You are love and You are good.

July 28th - Tears
Abba,
Last night was amazing! To be able to cry and to open up to girls that I felt so defenseful towards just a few days earlier. To be able to finally be able to grieve about losing such an amazing woman as Jan. To feel safe, to get out my mistrust about You providing and to receive assurance that You will bless my sacrifice. I love You and how my weaknesses produce the greatest fruit. Help me to lay down and let go. Humble me!

And then, to get home and write this:
July 30th - Confusion
Father,
I feel so weird. So jumbled up inside. I want to be back at Camp, I really do. I feel so safe and loved and fulfilled that I want to stay in my bubble forever. Camp was the mission field that You called me to and now my mission field is back here. To take all the lessons that I've learned and apply them so that they can change my everyday life. I am surrounded by the remnants of the old, but I am something new. I'm so scared that I will slip back and lose all that I learned. To stop being a slightly extraverted, initiating person who encourages and looks for opportunities to serve. Someone who values people above all; one who will not stay still. Someone who wants to be with You.