Carrying

We performed fourteen times in less than two weeks. Truth heaped upon truth, revealing itself little by little to the stubborn heart that I own. And I heard this song every single time, and every time I had to be reminded.

I am carried.

It was mentioned at the beginning of the year, during our first module course, that the only thing that we contribute to our salvation is our sin.

Think about it.

The only thing we bring is our inadequacy, our brokenness, our inability.

And in our shattered state, He lifts and carries us to that banquet that He's promised.

On the road with tour, it was so easy to slip into letting those prayer times before performances being the only times that I purposely talked to Him. To let the message that we were sharing be the time I spent with Him instead of letting that message flow from a heart that was resting in Him.

I tried to do it all by myself. As if I was trying to be something that I wasn't, trying to conjure up something that didn't exist.

I was stumbling, crawling desperately up that hill when there were Arms ready to hold me if I just stopped so desperately trying to do it on my own.

And it was when I simply talked to Him, told Him everything, invited Him into the everyday moments, acknowledged the way that He wasn't the middle of everything like He should be that I realized, once again, that in the every day, I need to be carried.

Over the last month or so, I have  been reading through Psalms and Proverbs and He has really been underlining his unfailing love.

Return, O LORD, and rescue me. Save me because of your unfailing love. (Psalm 6:4)

But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing because the LORD is good to me. (Psalm 13:5-6)

I cried out, "I am slipping!" but your unfailing love, O LORD, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer. (Psalm 94:18-19)

Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to your name goes all the glory for your unfailing love and faithfulness. (Psalm 115:1)

And it's everywhere. There are many, many more references.

His unfailing love, His carrying, that's why I can keep going on. Because it's not about me. That moment when our walk began? That was when I first allowed Him to carry me and said, "I cannot do this." And the everyday requires repeating that same surrendering of will, that same laying down of self.

It's only when He carries me that I find that He is strong because I am weak.

He longs to carry you. Will you let Him?

A Paradox

It's one of those things that I've always struggled with and a friend showed me something she had written that really made me stop and smile and ponder the paradox once again...

The little girl peeked into the room - eyes wide. And she was right to be amazed, for she was looking into the very throne room of God Almighty! All around she saw angels, cherubim, seraphim and other beings whose only task was to glorify God. They were fantastic to behold and so totally foreign to the little girl that she shrunk back. Then she saw what they were doing. All of the array of angels and creatures in the little girl's view were doing exactly the same thing - they were bowing down and crying out, "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty!" 

Finally the little girl's attention was caught by the one she'd come looking for. On His throne that I looked as if it were made of sapphire was God Almighty, the Creator of heaven and earth, and He was beckoning to her. The little girl squealed and ran to Him - heedless of the countless others in the room. The Lord laughed as He called her name and scooped her up in His arms. His voice - like the sound of rushing water - and her little bell-like laugh blended into each other to create one of His favourite sounds - Joy and Love. "I love you, my little princess," He said as He sat back down, still holding her in His arms. His attention was all hers as she smiled up into His face. "I love you too," she replied as she snuggled into His lap - completely content.

{by Bethany Unrau}

Come in awe and yet with confidence... what a mystery.

One that we're called to revel in. 

In Easter

Just as I wrote about in my last post, recently I've been learning a lot about what it means to be not enough.

And as I headed home for Easter weekend, I fell under the illusion (as I have a tendency to do) that God is chained to the places that I've encountered Him.

So often I can come into His presence with greater ease when it's a familiar place that when entered brings back memories of lessons in the past that He's taught me.

As a result, when I switch places, I have to go through the whole mental game of reminding myself that He is with me everywhere I go.

The weekend was great. But as I entered church on Easter Sunday morning, I was feeling dimly lit, as if I hadn't encountered God the way that I wanted to during this season. As if I couldn't feel Him.

But as the service went by, it was if the common thread of His lessons to me recently was whispered in my head over and over again.

Easter is all about not being enough. 

The reason He came? The reason He died?

I am not enough. But He is.

There is no way that I can face a holy God with anything in my hands that would convince Him to let me near His perfectness.

I am filth from the inside out, coated in the molasses texture of sins that I have deluded myself are not really that bad.

Coming into His presence while those drip off of me and pollute the white halls of His holiness?

Not going to happen.

And so He sent His Son. The only One who was enough.

That One who is everything, became nothing so that I might become whole.

And as we dyed Easter eggs, turning them from white to scribbled with hope,

I realized afresh how He takes one life and not only justifies (declares not guilty),

but in His good will, chooses to sanctify that life.

Taking the little moments of each day, the trials and the heartache, the joys and delights,

And crafts each on of us into something that He delights in.

Something that brings Him glory.

I am not enough. I could never do this on my own.

But He can. And He does.

And that's why there's Easter.

All

It seems as if it's only on my Eeyore days that I blog... either that or days when there is quiet.

Or maybe it's simply because it seems like in every moment, I am being taught new things and if I kept a list to blog about, I would never get around to it.

Anywhos...

Recently, I was approached with a position for next year that requires leadership on my knees... and as I was contemplating the delightful burden that will be laid upon me next year, there was one devotional time where I was thinking about all that could happen and all that could fail and I reached a point.

A point where I had to say, "There is absolutely nothing in me that can inspire a dorm full of girls towards passionate prayer."

And a moment later, I whispered the words that He showed me. I whispered, "But that's the whole point, isn't it? That I can't. I am utterly unable. But you are totally capable. You can."

All He's looking for is a vessel. A person who is willing to be used even in ways that may seem ridiculous. Someone willing to hang on His every word and to move in His ways.

In leadership, I am called to be lead by a greater Leader. I am called to humility.

Over the last few days as I've been praying more and mulling things over, there was a time when He seemed to bop me over the head and say, "Umm.. excuse me? Isn't that what I've called you to do in every part of your life?"

Somehow I fall into the disillusion that I can do it all. That somehow I take what He teaches me and apply it to my life and get wisdom from Him and apply it in my life, and that's a part of it, but I've forgotten the part of letting go.

Of drawing near, so that I disappear and He appears in every action, thought and word. All I'm supposed to be is a human skin willing to be moved by His voice.

I used to think those people who were so attuned to Him were taking it a little too seriously and leaving fun behind, but there is no way that someone can claim to be consumed with God if they're not willing to lay down everything.

And you know what? There is so much joy, so much foundation, so much rightness when He's the center of everything.

There's no way that I've got things figured out - and there's such a paradox between me carrying out the work that He has laid before me and letting His Spirit move, but when I'm in His presence, it all sorts itself out.

I'm called to transparency, so that He may become apparent.

I'm called to nothingness, so that He may be all.

"Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now i am glad to boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me." {2 Corinthians 12:9}

{Just found this song today and thought that it's so often what I miss when coming into His presence - to be a little child in my Father's arms}

In A Milestone

Another year gone and past, and I sit here in amazement, shaking my head at all that He's brought me through.

Read this verse this morning:
"But whatever I am now, it is all because God poured out his special favor on me -- and not without results. For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles; yet it was not I but God who was working through me by his grace." (1 Cor. 15:10, NLT)

And wrote this:
Looking back, there is no way that I can take credit for the place I am spiritually. I would've never chosen of myself to go through suffering or hardships and yet it's all because of them that I'm in the place I am today. Good thing it's in His hands and not mine! 

And I could be all verbose and wonderfully descriptive, and bring tears to your eyes because of His goodness (okay, I could only attempt and hope, but still...), but there's nothing more to say.

He is good.

And He is faithful.