Arrogance

What? Did I just write that as the title? Me... arrogant? Pshaw... never!

But I am just that. My heart is full of the dark desires that cause me to act in ways to draw others to me. To me. To ME. To what I can do, what I can accomplish, what I can provide, to what I can give. To... oh, how horrible... how much of a "Christian" I am.

There was a Bible Quizzing Tournament this past weekend. We travelled for hours, tires spinning against white roads. We arrived, and I fell into that most-comfortable-of-all embrace of fellow believers. Others who, like me, had spent multiple hours memorizing verses, or even chapters. Learning questions, key words, and where they could jump and answer the questions without a doubt.

Now, I don't prepare for Quizzing as much as I would like to. When I'm excited about it, it becomes something that I latch onto and make into a huge undertaking. But, when life seems like a more exciting alternative, it hangs over my week like a dark shadow, reminding me that I better get those verses memorized, that chapter read, those questions filled in, those chapters reviewed, those verses gone over, etc. It could become all-consuming if I let it.

And this being my last year... Even now, it's hard to say that. I've been in the wonderful program for five years... FIVE years. Years of memorizing verses, going to tournaments, meeting new friends, becoming versed in the rules of a sport that many people never know about, learning how to jump on either clicky-seats or pads, accumulating bookies and workbooks, gathering a ribbon here and there. And all for what?

I wish that I could say that the biggest effect was on my spiritual life. But it hasn't been. Up until now. Sure, it's helped me be able to memorize like a whiz, and take Bio because, hey, why not? since memorizing is so easy and all. I've never realized how arrogant I was about being involved in this sport, about my abilities.

"I'm participating in a Bible Quizzing Tournament this weekend. What are you doing? Sleeping in?"

It's one of those things that you do at first because you know that you should, or your friends are involved, or just maybe because you are a MK and everyone already expects you to do something so strange and out of the ordinary that it would be in keeping with your "unique" ness and would be an involvement in something becuase you have no sporty skills.

Plus, this being my last year, it's the last year I have to excel. To make a name for myself. To go to Great West (top 25 quizzers from Alberta go). To show that I have worth.

And that's what it comes down to, isn't it? I don't feel like I have enough worth in other things. In... Him.

I don't realize how preciously He has made me to do everything that I can do. I don't fully grasp the importance of the VERY WORD OF GOD that I am memorizing. The nuggets of truth that I'm tucking away. The lasting friendships that I could make if I stopped making my focus on how well I do, but turn that focus on to meeting and getting to know others.

And it brings me to the question: how can I do well without being arrogant? How can I excel and bring Him every single shred of glory?

I've been given such a unique opportunity, and it's sad to me now, to look back on years past and to realize all that I have failed to do in this area. I could've done so much.

And yet... I use the word "I." That word that pervades my actions, thoughts, and words. Instead of "Him."

He could've done so much. And now with realizing this, I also realize... He can still do much. Through my arrogance, through my weakness, through my failings, through  my sinful human nature, He is strong.

As I write these things, these verses that I have stored away in the past few weeks jump out at me. Words that I have spoken time and time again, but never taken to heart, sadly enough.

"Young men, in the same way, be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because 'God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time." (1 Peter 5:5+6, NIV)

And as I struggle to bring these words to fruition in my life, I'm ever so grateful for another verse.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (2 Peter 3:9, NIV)