Fear

Fear...

The word that embodies everything I feel when I am exposed to be insecure and weak. It's at these times that I wonder what I'm made of. After all, if I can so easily fear, what have I learned in life? It's not as if I've conquered much if the same fear can come back time and time again to make me shrivel up and hide in a corner.

Fear. Fear of being misunderstood, of being seen as incapable, of being untalented, ungodly, a bad example, and everything else that comes with being alive. The fear that sometimes rules my thoughts, actions and words, although it shouldn't. Afraid of what might come, and yet afraid to stay the same.

And yet... what is the antithesis of fear? Most things have an immediate equal and opposite reaction word inside of our heads, and yet.. fear? Is it... could it... maybe be trust? At first glance, it makes me turn away, afraid once again. What is trust after all but the letting down of barriers, of risking all, especially to be disappointed and hurt, but to never fear again?

Because, in some ways, perfect trust casts out all fear, as the saying goes for love. To trust someone is to place in their possession the very things that I am afraid the world might see, the weaknesses, the imperfections, the mistakes. To give them the ability to hurt me in the ways that I am afraid of.

These fears that I hold, these inconsistencies that I hide, these showings of who I really am, a base, evil, sinful human being... aren't easy to share with just anyone. But who is He, but Someone? As I have been struggling to let this thing go, I think back to what has happened in the past with trust issues and find it all the same. I never give up easily, and I never turn right to Him when something comes up. It's discouraging to think that I have never once, really and truly, trusted Him to the completion of a problem.

Oh, sure, I put it into His hands, and was still for awhile, going along with life. But then, I began to murmur, complain, worry, and the stillness was broken. That solid foundation of being still and trusting all the He was and is and has done and will do was being shaken. And I was the one doing it! I grabbed the problem out of His hands, and set to trying to fix it myself, worrying when things wouldn't turn out right.

But time and time again, He's proved me wrong. As I knew He would at the very beginning. It seems that I am destined to repeat the same mistake over and over with no experience gleaned or lessons applied. For this is what life is for. It's so discouraging to think that He's working a work in me and that I'm standing in the way. What would it take for me to be completely still... to be silent... to trust? I fear too much...