In These Moments

I've been so busy recently, fulfilling one thing after another, stretching myself thin.

The fog of half-awake hangs before my eyes and I find myself longing...

Longing to stop, look around.... to feel.

Life loves to make me think that I have to be the best at everything I do, and it really isn't true.

But I still believe it.

And as things to get done, people to see, schedules to coordinate, etc. whirl around my head,

I want to push it all aside for a moment, to stop, and just.... be.

Coming back from Colombia, one thing that I had purposed to do, was to do willingly that which is hard and tough.

To make my life disciplined in the small ways so that when He's ready to hand me something bigger, I'll be ready.

There are so many hard things, from getting in a shower early in the morning and waking up at the same time every morning in order to make devotions a habit, to reminding myself of what's really important in every day.

But I fail. I fall. Inevitably, I crumble.

And it's during these moments, that He has me reading Genesis12-26.

These chapters that speak of a man  who was counted as righteous because of his faith, and yet...

Yet, when he visits Egypt, his fear of the Egyptian's lust (and his doubt of God's power), causes him to pass his wife off as his sister.

8 chapters later, guess what?

He does the same thing to Abimelech, the king of Gerar.

Not only that, but guess what Isaac does when faced with the same man, and also having a beautiful wife?

THE SAME THING.

You would have thought that they would have learned their lessons, but apparently not.

And as I think these things, they roost in my heart.

Because I am just as guilty of doing easy things over and over and over and over and over and over and over (Ok, I think you get the idea)... again.

I do realize that He does call us to relax and to take a break,  but this is different.

This is turning away from what I know is right and deliberately doing what is wrong, just because it's easier.

It encourages me, though, to remember that Abraham, a man of faith, failed in similar ways to me.

What encourages me even more, though, is the God who was allowing these things, giving second chances, letting him learn a lesson, bringing him back to repentance each time.

The God who gives me second chances.

And I want to use them wisely.

The stress is pushing in, and I need to re-evaluate my priorities and more burdens are added to my shoulders.

I want to enjoy these moments, so savor them, to learn all that He has for me, to enjoy Him.

{all written when I really should've been in bed)

In the Past (Oldie Goldie's Post)

As I reflect over the past year (which includes all of my blog!), there are so many thoughts running through my head, but the one that remains is:

He is good.

He truly does work together for the good of those who love Him.

And since there's not much else to say, I thought I'd do an oldie goldie's post.

So here ya go, the silly, the cute, the funny, the sweet, the mischievious, the very Christy-ish.... little me:

 

Thanks for all of you who have contributed to make me who I am today!

In Their Gifts

The phone rang this morning, as we were about to sit down to eat breakfast.

I picked it up, still wearing my pajamas mid-morning, and saw that it was her number.

Thinking frantically, I don't think that I have to work today... do I?, I answered the phone and heard him speak.

"She just wanted to call you and to talk to you. I don't know if she'll say anything, because she often has the idea but won't talk when the time comes. Here you go!"

And I heard the shuffle of switching the phone into the hands of one who is physically uncoordinated and heard her breathing in and out.

"Hey, monkey!"

She giggles.

And then she starts off with the exchange that summarizes many of our walks together: "Ma-ma!"

To which I respond: "Ba-by!"

"Huuuu-ah"

I copy her and we both laugh.

This one that cannot speak as freely as I do, this one that cannot move as quickly as I can... this is her way of saying, "I love you."

And as this goes back and forth between us a few times, I am so thankful that I have her. That He gave me her.

Thankful that she needs her "Rose fix" some days, and that she feels so loved by me. And in return, I feel so loved by her.

Not a single worry in the world will refuse to fade when she hugs tight and we stand there, her head nestled close, and my chin on top of her head. 

She is such a gift.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It's the day before my birthday, today. 

And my parents took me out for tea and dessert as part of an early birthday present, to talk and to spend quality time together.

Then, in the middle of our discussions about next year, what my year has been like, and anything and everything, my father pulls this out of his pocket. 

 

And its velvet shone as I waited until they gave me the go-ahead to open it. 

And it sits there, all rosy and golden in the sunlight, and I hug tightly these parents that have guided me through almost-seventeen years of life. 

It isn't a purity ring... rather, it is an acknowledgement of how they have held my heart up until now and want to be involved in the process of choosing, when the time comes, when to give it away, and to whom.

And it speaks to me of the love that these two bestest-ever-people have showered into my life, of the regard that they have for who I have become, and their desire for the best to come my way. 

It's more than just a ring... it's a gift of the greatest kind, because it's more than just material.... it's an understanding and a trust.

And I'm so thankful for the gift of people that He continues to bring into my life... including you!

In the Letting Go

School is looming, and I keep chipping away at it block by block.

But as I scramble to catch up, my grades are anything but desirable, and I struggle with old habits.

Habits of letting my grades define me, because that is one area in which I can be someone... where I am known.

And it's hard to let go of that and say to Him, "If you want that...  You can have it. All of it. I'll let it go."

But there's a balance between letting go and trying my best.

For so long, school has been about excelling, about impressing others, about feeling self worth in something that I'm actually good at.

Now He calls me to seek out the people, to encourage those who need it, to reach out and start up friendships, to make a change in my attitude towards people.

And that means letting grades take the backburner.

It's hard to find my self worth in Him... although I know that I am created beautiful and gifted in His sight, but sometimes that sits in my head, but is never absorbed into my heart.

Even before heading off to Colombia, I knew that this was a problem for me.

But while there, I saw and met so many people who had followed God's passion for their lives, having given up everything that they thought was important just to find that God's plan was so much better.

Once again... I know this to be true, but it's so hard to put into practice.

I want to grab hold of what He has in my future with all of my strength and to let Him guide my every step.

It's so hard to let go.... even knowing the truth of who He is.

When I Don't Understand

We crouched there, on the broken tile courtyard, creating pretty pictures with sidewalk chalk.

Surrounded by clumps of kids, we talked, giggled, and played tic-tac-toe.

And in my peripheral vision, something caught my eye. Kids were starting to colour inbetween the broken tiles instead of on them, and the first though that came to my mind was: Why are they wasting this beautiful chalk?

I wanted to say something, but I didn't, and as time passed... something happened.

What I had seen as messy, unncessary, childish wastefulness earlier, turned into something so beautiful, unique, and out-of-the-box that I was astonished.

 
And as I'm back here and trying to apply the lessons that I learned while in Colombia about my everday mission, what my gifts, passions, and talents are, and what God can do through someone who lets go of everything.... these pictures keep on coming back.

Right now, life is messy. It doesn't always make sense, there's much on my plate and yet I procrastinate.

He's teaching me, and I resist. I try and do it all on my own, and He shows me how that really is impossible.

I feel overwhelmed and like nothing makes sense, and yet life goes on and He gives me strength to persevere and to do my best right here.

But I know that in the end, I'll look back on what I viewed as the unncessary and see how vital it really was. I'll look back on the messy and see what beauty it created later on.

He's working on the masterpiece of me... and it's messy.

But He knows what He's doing. And someday I'll stand before His throne and understand the whys, whens, and hows.

In brokenness... there is beauty.