Central

It’s so easy to get lost.

To get surrounded and tumbled around by the everyday petty things that cause me to worry and stress about what comes next. To take my eyes off of the One who controls the sea and instead to look at the depths that lie beneath me and to feel myself sinking, with my eyes on myself instead of on Him.

I scrabble around, looking for something to hold onto and come up empty-handed.

And I come to the disheartening conclusion that there will always be someone better at something than I am, and I will always miss out on something.

But I will gain something either way, and they spoke at church this week of rest.

Of resting in confidence of God’s sufficiency, knowing that the victory is already won.

It’s not an inactive rest, rather one that acts in the confidence that God will work. I am called to follow Him, knowing that He will provide and that I have nothing to worry about.

But so often, I make my future and my talents about my own desires instead of about His desires.

I get caught up in my life and when I come before Him, I spend my time focusing on myself and all that’s going wrong, instead of all that He’s blessed me with.

I forget to come with expectation and with eagerness to sit at His feet.

I come, wanting rest through immediate answers or a sense of peace instead of simply letting all things go and learning more of who He is and knowing that He is worthy of trust.

I forget to seek His kingdom first, although when I do so, all my needs will be supplied.

Not that I am to spend time *not* thinking about other things, but rather that every moment would have a focus on Him. 

Finals come up and it's easy to give way to rote memorization instead of heart internalization, Christmas comes and it can be turned into a family-centered holiday instead of a Christ centered one, and my identity and heart can be centered on others' expectations and thoughts instead of on the One who crafted each part.

So it's a conscious choice, and not always an easy one. It's hard to tear close of the headway that the world makes into my soul, but when I do, I find rest. 

Rest, through making Him the center of my every day, hour, moment, action, thought, word, and motive.

Worthy

So often I find myself caught up in the mundane.

I go day by day, not realizing that He has so much more waiting for me, feeling almost as if I’m intruding when I ask to feel His presence and that He’ll come near when He feels like it. Other times, it feels as if I’m chipping away at a rock wall and after a while it gets tiring so I stop and go about my normal day until it’s time for devotions again.

It’s as if I’m so focused on my own little world that I cease to realize that He stands before me simply wanting me to rest and come into His presence and be.

We had a worship night the other night and as the worship set started, I felt dead. I felt like I didn’t know whether I was going to meet with God or not. But as the songs kept on coming, it hit me that I was the only one keeping me from coming near Him. I needed to come with expectation and realize that He longs to work in the lives of His children.

Sometimes I get caught up in the mundane, and my relationship with Him becomes a task instead of the thing that the rest of my day rides on. He is worthy. SO worthy. Of every moment, every thought, every action. It is not a task or burden to give all of my life over to Him, rather it is a pleasure.  And I can’t do it on my own, I need to let Him give me new eyes for every day and every situation.

He is the one who has called me to a life that may not be easy by the world's standards, and yet is easy because I do not need to doubt or worry about anything, for I am held in the hands of the ultimate Provider. He is the one who calls me to dance with Him as a daughter dances with her father. He is the one who dries my tears and hears my heart's every cry, He is the one who laughs at my joys and knows my pains. He is the one who has formed my every part, He is the one who has redeemed me from a life of overwhelming sin and brought me to a life of light. 

My life is not my own, and I will not begrudge the King of Kings every aspect of my every day, for He IS worthy.

"You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being." (Revelation 4:11, NIV)

Tearing

Getting back into routine yesterday was such a good feeling. It felt as if I had finally slipped back into the groove that I left when I went home for semester break.

More than that, God hit me hard with something that I have often struggled with.

Who am I?

As the mid-terms were handed back and my mark was lower than those around me and yet by no means anything to be ashamed of, I felt myself sliding into my oft-visited pit of comparison (synonymous with the pit of despair, if you would).

There are so many expectations that I place upon myself. Expectations of what marks I am to get, how organized I should be, how responsible I should be, how I should look, what my friends should think of me, even how I should come across in my blog. Not that I spend *forever* preparing it, but I read it through a good three or four times to make sure that everything makes sense, that my words are crafted well, and even pat myself on the shoulder for some good alliteration or some attention grabbing stories. Then, I anxiously check the number of times that post has been read after a few days of being posted on FB. How sad am I?

And when one of those personal expectations I hold for myself is torn down, it hurts a lot. And although I’ve placed my academic life at His feet over and over and over and over and over again, every time I keep one fingernail hooked in it and drag it towards myself again.

As I stared at my mark and flipped through the test to see what I had gotten wrong, He held me from slipping into that pit of despair and made me think.

Who am I?

Who am I when all of my pre-conceived notions of what I should be are stripped away? Who am I when all my talents are incomparable to others or are not receiving notice? Who am I when I roll out of bed with greasy hair and acne and humongous pjs?

Am I fully His? Are my days consumed with making Him look better than me?

Not, as the saying goes, thinking less of myself, but thinking of myself less.

What does a heart after God’s own heart look like? Am I living every moment in a true conviction of who God has made me to be? Am I secure in the way that He has created me? Are the various facets of my life reflecting Him?

That test hurt. And the conviction about so many areas in my life where I fail to honour Him left me feeling flaky and like a pretty empty-shell.

He is all I need, and so often I find myself creating my identity apart from Him. It’s not that He’s only sufficient for all that I could ever need, He’s overflowing with all that I could ever want.

He is the perfect bridegroom waiting for me to realize that He has crafted me to be His perfect bride.

And I let the world define me, instead of Him. I tell myself that I have to appear a certain way, act a certain way, seem a certain way.

But I want a heart that is after His own. I don’t know if earthy is the word that I’m looking for, but I long to be someone who is down-to-earth, who has no façade, who is pure in the way that I represent His Son in my actions and in the way that I speak. To speak with honesty and wisdom, to be thoughtful and kind, cheerful and reasonable, and yet completely head over heels in love with a God who delights to dance with his daughter.

And I feel as if my pretty rainbow-coloured fluffy illusions are being torn into pieces by His Word, and I feel devastated and empty and not enough.

But He takes those pieces and places each one, by His wisdom, into the frame of His will, and purely by His grace, the Son shines through the stained glass window art that He is making.

May I be willing to be torn, to not be enough, that I may be healed in His image, to testify that He is more than enough.

Apparent

It is perhaps one of the most incongruous pictures of Jesus that we see in the New Testament. Tables and coins flying as Jesus pushes sellers out of the temple, righteous wrath in His actions to clean out His Father's holy place of worship.

They belonged there. These were those who provided the sacrifices necessary for the Israelites to atone for their sins. Yet they were perverting the system by tipping the scales, adding money to their own pockets and raising prices when unnecessary.

What did Jesus say? He said in the face of their arrogance and defamation of the temple, "My Father's house shall be called a house of prayer."

A house of prayer?

Not a house of worship, of praise, of sermons, of anything else?

No. A house of prayer.

And this point was brought up in chapel a few weeks ago, and it struck a chord within me.

Prayer. It's the foundation of anything and everything we do. It's talking to God, bringing everything before Him, acknowledging His presence in situations, etc.

Our actions are useless if they do not bring others to a state of prayer and glorification of God.

Too often my talents are used for my own glorification. My actions, my words, the way that I dress, the expressions I use, are all so that others think better of me.

But really? Do they bring others to a fuller understanding of who God is by my presence? Am I working on day by day becoming more transparent so that He may become more apparent?

Am I, as His holy temple, a house of prayer?

A house not of rules or large words or actions with no substance, but simple, glowing, purposely life-giving, encouraging, grounded, easy to talk to, worthy to be trusted in, speaking honestly and with words of truth, and most of all... prayerful.

Affirming

It struck me as so weird to be going home for a "visit". To be packing with the knowledge that home wouldn't have everything that I needed if I forgot some things.

To knock on my door and get bowled over by family, to feel safe, and yet foreign all at the same time.

To balance homework with meeting with friends and getting back into the routine of  home.

But one of the biggest things that hit me about being home was the differences that I've made in my life and that really hit me when I read Philippians 2:12-13 for devos one day.

Dear friends, you always followed my instructions when I was with you. And now that I am away, it is even more important. Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him. (Philippians 2:12-13, NLT)

The biggest difference was in regard to the maturing that I have done and the differing mindset with which I face problems or situations. He has truly been fostering in me, these past few months, a growing craving to understand what life lived with Him at the center looks like. Learning how to long and desire to be in His presence and through this process He truly has been giving me the desire and power to do what pleases Him.

Not that I have it down by any stretch of the imagination, but coming home and wrestling with the temptations that I have here, the ruts that I used to fall into, and falling into some of them once more and learning how to apply what I've been learning in class to my every day life has been a really good experience.

Although I do apply it while I'm at Millar, even being at home is more "out in the world" and so seems like another step in growing.

Another thing that really hit me this week was the blessing that I realize Millar has been as I talk to people and have that oft-asked question put to me: "So, how's school going?" And as I answer with short expressions of awesomeness, or expand depending on the amount of care they actually give towards my life, about the amazing blessing these past few months have been. The community, the opportunities, the musical atmosphere, and the way that God's been moving in my life.

It's only as I'm away from that amazing place that I realize how He's been working in my life and it blows my mind. Who knows where else I could have ended up?

But because of who He is. Not because of what I've done. Because of what He's done, not because of who I am, He's placed me at Millar. And I'm so excited to see what He's got in store for me.