Grace Full

I surrender all I am for who You are.

Read that again.

And again.

What does this mean?

I deal with my insufficiency day by day, although I often pat myself on my back for my ability to control myself.

But this morning as I rolled over in bed when my alarm went off at 6:30, waking me up for a run and starting to get me back into Millar schedule, I rebelled.

I'm tired. I'm achy. I AM NOT GETTING UP. I know what I said I would do. I know what's right, even if it's simply a standard I set for myself, but I refuse. 

And so I slept on, tossing and turning, retreating from the encroaching morning sunlight.

Eventually I crawled out of bed, and sat there, despaired.

I love control. I love knowing that I can control myself, that I can conquer any bad habit or tendency if I simply try. But there are days when I fail (I mean, this should come as a taken, right, Christy? Along with the whole fallen humanity dealio? You didn't realize that.... oh.... awkward moment). I beat myself up, although I know given the chance to rewind the hours, I would do exactly the same thing.

It's not that I sinned by sleeping in, but rather that I was faced again with how much of a failure I am to even control my sleeping habits. And if I'm a failure at controlling my sleeping habits, why do I even pretend that I've got this whole righteousness thing down pat?

Although it's been a continual lesson over the past year at Millar, it was just impressed anew to me this morning - salvation is all about insufficiency.

We are not enough.

Not enough to be able to come into the presence of a holy God.

Who may worship in your sanctuary, LORD? Who may enter your presence on your holy hill? Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right, speaking the truth from sincere hearts. (Psalm 15:1-2)

This Psalm goes on to list the qualities of the person who can approach the Lord, but that first one catches me right off guard. I mean, why not go up from smaller to greater qualities, but, ok, then, hit me with the biggest one first, why don'tcha?

Those who lead blameless lives.

I'm pretty sure that phrase finds no place in the definition of Christy Scott.

Nuh-uh. No blamess life being lived over here.

And it's not for lack of effort. Not in the least. I try, and I try, and sometimes I purpose to fail simply because I feel the weight of never being enough.

Then there's the one point. The one time when truth was spoken and I saw, even as a little three year old, that I needed Something else...  I needed Someone else.

And as much as I recognize that He is the only One who saves, I guess I forget that He continues to be the only One who can save, every. single. day.

As I wake up, is my first prayer, "I cannot live this day alone. I ask you to shred away another layer of my selfish hold and instead interpose Yourself into every situation."?

No.

And I lifted myself up from my bed and got ready to shower, and then got my computer, and for the first time in a long time, listened to music while I showered. And the words of simple Amazing Grace hit home again.

How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

Grace. Amazing Grace.

He's full of it.

Will you take it?

Every day, will it be your companion, the assurance that you are not doing this thing alone? That you are no longer yourself, for you have been crucified, you have died, you have risen again... with Christ?

And here's a marvelous old hymn that just summed up what I just splattered everywhere on this post:

Marvelous grace of our loving Lord,
Grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt!
Yonder on Calvary’s mount outpoured,
There where the blood of the Lamb was spilled.

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin.

Sin and despair, like the sea waves cold,
Threaten the soul with infinite loss;
Grace that is greater, yes, grace untold,
Points to the refuge, the mighty cross.

Dark is the stain that we cannot hide.
What can avail to wash it away?
Look! There is flowing a crimson tide,
Brighter than snow you may be today.

Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
Freely bestowed on all who believe!
You that are longing to see His face,
Will you this moment His grace receive?

In the Midst

Oh, I don't even know what to write about.

I could start from the beginning and tell you about all the wonderful things that I learned while at Camp, and maybe those will make their way onto here sometime.

I could talk about my parents leaving for another continent and how I don't even know how to miss them...

I could talk about how He calls me to trust Him in this month of limbo.

I could talk about a myriad of things. From hurt to happiness, from strength to weakness, from trust to doubts.

But you know what?

Wherever you are, whatever you're feeling, whether it's down and in the midst of nowhere, or whether it's on the highest peak of joy, He is there.

And as my many emotions swirl and each day brings a tangle of thoughts and worries and peace and everything that life encompasses at this moment, I find the greatest peace when I remember that, no matter what, He has not left me.

Not once.

Never for a moment was I vacant from His eyes.

I could never slip away from His presence.

I was never forgotten.

And maybe that's not as earth-shattering as I like to think some of my posts are, but that's what I have to say today.

Maybe tomorrow I'll write something a little more thought through...

Beyond the Threshold

When our deepest desire is not the things of God, or a favor from God, but God himself, we cross a threshold. Less self-focus, more God-focus. Less about me, more about him. ~ Max Lucado 

I heard it first at a prayer meeting this past year.

A group of students gathered at a staff house on a Sunday evening and a passionate prayer warrior leading with words of truth. And I don't remember where the words she said came from, or what book she said that she'd been reading, but I remember clearly the words that have stuck with me.

What if we prayed focused more on the Blesser rather than the blessings?

And, by extension: What if we lived focused on the Giver rather than the gifts.

Reading these two sentences in the second chapter of It's Not About Me (by Max Lucado), brought back that night and how I was challenged to come simply to sit in His presence.

Yes, I can read the Bible, but am I coming with a heart that seeks to know Him more? Not to know more about Him, but to know Him?

Am I praying to receive things? Or to fulfill the real reason for prayer - that it's more about aligning my heart with God than producing any "change" in His will (Jorin Green)?

Why do I come?

Why?

Is it guilt? Is it duty? Is it for a good feeling? Is it for show? Is it.... what?

Is it because of Him? Simply to sit in His presence and to know Him? To be with Him?

Because He is more than enough.

This life? This crazy, convoluted, up-and-down roller-coaster ride? It's all about revealing Him, His character in the creases of the worn everyday. How much more clearly do we see Him than by being His creation and living in the world that He has made?

He is worthy.

Do I come to get a glimpse of His power? Do I cry out as Moses did, requesting what seemed to be the impossible? To see the glory of God?

Do I glory in Him as my King? To bask in all that He is? To seek out a new facet of Him every day?

Oh, the desire to even desire Him is far from me many days. I cry out for even that desire, and yet when it comes, I must choose it. It's a crazy balance, but what I do know...

Nothing compares with seeing His face.

And I could go to church every day of the week, I could read my Bible from cover to cover time after time, I could fast two days a week, I could pray all day, I could be involved in everything... but if it's not because I desire to see Him, to know Him, to be His?

It's all worthless.

Oh, that I might cross the threshold daily.

Wasting Nothing

{Now that I'm back to a sort-of routine here at home, I'm hoping to write more frequently in this space, consequential or not, so I might not be linking all of them to FB. So if you want to make sure to catch all of my posts, make sure to become a follower either by joining the site or following by e-mail. I would sure appreciate that!}

I was talking to a dear friend of mine last night, who is going through some deep issues within their family. And tears seem to be the easiest response when life seems to go in the opposite direction than we thought it would.

So I shared with her a song that I heard first in another blogger's post.

Nothing is wasted.

And it's incredible for me to look back on that Thing That Took Me Away. It doesn't cause hurt or pain or bitterness when I recall it, though. Instead, I see the entire situation gilded with glory and creased with signs of care by One who knew exactly what He was doing.

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. (James 1:2-4, NLT)

Having a sister who was considered by some to be disabled for a time? Gave me a heart for those the world see as disabled, and enabled God to show me a passion I didn't know was there.

Not being able to go to the MK boarding school in the capital city that I was looking forward to? Being placed in a school that allowed me to learn how to play the flute and tour with a choir for three years, plus many other opportunities, eventually leading to going to Millar.

Having an interview yesterday and it immediately ending after hearing that I've committed to going to Bible Camp this summer? Provides a way for God to work in something that's building up to blow me away with His grace.

If I just allow myself to see it that way, instead of what the surface seems like. It's sometimes easy to forget that He still knows what He's doing.

Each day, when I come upon those small disappointments or hard conversations or burdens from a friend, He is the only One who can hold and gather each broken piece.

His Arms are big enough, and His heart is deep enough.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing that He does not use in my daily life. No incident comes into my life that He does not put there for a purpose, and He is faithful to use the most broken parts of us to bring the most glory to Himself.

What about you? Anything, absolutely anything you're going through, He knows. He's already in there, He's got it under control.

Nothing is wasted.

Carrying

We performed fourteen times in less than two weeks. Truth heaped upon truth, revealing itself little by little to the stubborn heart that I own. And I heard this song every single time, and every time I had to be reminded.

I am carried.

It was mentioned at the beginning of the year, during our first module course, that the only thing that we contribute to our salvation is our sin.

Think about it.

The only thing we bring is our inadequacy, our brokenness, our inability.

And in our shattered state, He lifts and carries us to that banquet that He's promised.

On the road with tour, it was so easy to slip into letting those prayer times before performances being the only times that I purposely talked to Him. To let the message that we were sharing be the time I spent with Him instead of letting that message flow from a heart that was resting in Him.

I tried to do it all by myself. As if I was trying to be something that I wasn't, trying to conjure up something that didn't exist.

I was stumbling, crawling desperately up that hill when there were Arms ready to hold me if I just stopped so desperately trying to do it on my own.

And it was when I simply talked to Him, told Him everything, invited Him into the everyday moments, acknowledged the way that He wasn't the middle of everything like He should be that I realized, once again, that in the every day, I need to be carried.

Over the last month or so, I have  been reading through Psalms and Proverbs and He has really been underlining his unfailing love.

Return, O LORD, and rescue me. Save me because of your unfailing love. (Psalm 6:4)

But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing because the LORD is good to me. (Psalm 13:5-6)

I cried out, "I am slipping!" but your unfailing love, O LORD, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer. (Psalm 94:18-19)

Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to your name goes all the glory for your unfailing love and faithfulness. (Psalm 115:1)

And it's everywhere. There are many, many more references.

His unfailing love, His carrying, that's why I can keep going on. Because it's not about me. That moment when our walk began? That was when I first allowed Him to carry me and said, "I cannot do this." And the everyday requires repeating that same surrendering of will, that same laying down of self.

It's only when He carries me that I find that He is strong because I am weak.

He longs to carry you. Will you let Him?