Constant

It was as I sat there, all scrunched up in a chair, that the familiar warmth over my heart settled in right where my scarf lay. That warmth that's mostly feeling and yet like a slight heaviness on my chest.

I was sitting still, listening to the words of others bringing precious requests before the very throne of God and I was concurring, carrying on my own conversations, praying for the people who were praying, talking, conversing.... doing something that I hadn't done all weekend.

And He was waiting. Waiting to show me how much I missed the warmth of sitting in His presence, held in those arms that wrap so completely around me and leaving me feeling like I'm holding a glowing anchor connected to a string leading all the way up to Him.

But He's right there.

Maybe I thought it would be easier, but I suspect that I knew that it would be this hard.

This weekend was so full. Full of good things. But not full of Him.

And I know that I get easily disillusioned by thinking that if I don't have time to do my devos, then I'm not really spending time with Him.

But it's the moment by moment that really should be my indication of how in tune I am with Him. The constant conversations and thankfulness for everyday beauty and discussing things brought up in class, just being aware of His presence.

Doing devos regularly is a big battle for me here, especially with wanting to sleep as much as I can. So I schedule it in and yet I miss it being the very first thing in my day.

At the same time, He is not confined to a box, and as I sat in that couch, it was as if I was feeling that sense of warm safety coming over me. That feeling or mindset (can you really every truly completely describe what it feels like to have God near?) when I'm listening and talking, and we're communing, and I'm in His presence, knowing that I'm an undeserving child of God and yet a child of God nonetheless.

And to have His Spirit moving in my heart, impressing things on my mind and being able to slip back into that, and to realize how much I missed it. To have that longing brush against my mind and to realize how much I need Him.

I am nothing by myself. And even with Him, it's all about Him.

Then to go to SNOW and to be able to sing about the wonder of such a God. Worshiping the majesty and glory that is His no matter what happens in my life. He is GOOD and someday in heaven we'll see what that really looks like. Holding hands high and abandoning myself in awe of the One who created all of me.

Realizing that knowing Him is about both the big worship moments and the quite intimate moments.

And as I start out a new week, I want to keep that longing, to realize that He is the top priority and to come and sit before Him and know Him more. To open up my heart and let Him chisel away at will even though it may hurt.

I want my heart's song to only and ever be, "Jesus.... Jesus."

Reminding Me

It's at times like this that the emotion runs coursing through my body and even music can't calm me down. When the urge to express my feelings reaches out to the solace found in black words on a white page typed by my hands.

When that moment comes when your brain is fighting every fibre of your body because something needs to change and it. just. can't. And your voice has obeyed you before, when no one's been watching. But now, when it counts, it won't happen. It's as if your mind has a keyhole and the key that you're trying is the wrong one.

And you can't make your voice follow the instructions as much as you long for it to. Yet you're stubborn enough to hide the tears starting to well up in your eyes and explain away the catch in your voice and that acidic sting in your nose.

Is it a battle for humility versus pride? Is there something that I'm missing? Do I just need bare everything, or can I find that key, or... what?

And she comforts and speaks words of love over me and yet I can't accept them because I feel as if I failed.

And it hits me that I've failed to be that strong tower, to be impregnable, and I don't. want. to. let. that. wall. down.

And as it hits me I realized that I've realized something fundamental.

I didn't tell her what was going on inside my head the entire time.

I'm too independent for my own good. Too focused on how others see me. Too analytical. Too much of an Eeyore.

And I exited the building, with the crunching of leaves beneath my feet, and I stand still, gasping as I cry the only way that I do... silently and for a few seconds, without any tears escaping. And then I carry on walking, wiping away the wetness that did trickle down and just wanting to be alone.

Even as I write that, I find it slightly ironic that my version of "alone-ness" means being cradled in the understanding that simple, stark words on a page give me.

And I found myself asking why I ever did this. Put myself in a position to go through this.

Then, He comes knocking. And, oh, how I want to push Him aside. How I want to continue to be the center of my pity-party.

But He won't let me be.

"Have I not given you this opportunity to develop the gift that I have given you? Have I not placed you in this very place to be stretched and broken because of the lessons that I have to teach you about humbleness? Do I not do what is good?"

And it leaves me feeling very Eeyore-ish, but glad that my life is held in the hands of One who knows what He's doing.

In the Changing of the Seasons

I walked slowly, feeling the crisp autumn breeze on my sweater-less skin, hyptonized by the crisp whisperings of the leaves beneath my feet.

It's snuck up on me, that fall is here. And as I walked downtown that afternoon, I realized that more than just a season has changed for me.

A season of life has come and gone. I'm a college kid now and even being at home doesn't mean what it used to. I'm so glad that I can slip back into the family and feel comfortable but I'm not as involved in their lives anymore.

It's dying to a certain season, and yet the birth of another. I'm so glad that I came back this weekend, because since the moment college started until now, I've felt as if I had pushed a "pause" button on my family life. As if they were on hold while I experienced something new that they didn't have a part in.

Only now am I starting to realize that I'm away from them for a whole year, instead of it just feeling like a youth retreat or camp. This is permanent, and my relationship with my family will never be the same.

At the same time, they're still my family and I will fight hard against anything that wants to tear us apart. Coming home for the weekend helped me realize that I need to take a more proactive stance on Skyping them or even just taking time to wonder how life's going on this end of things.

They don't understand my life as well as they used to. I have to explain friends and events, college life that they don't see everyday. At the same time, I'm not involved in the stuff they do around here.

But nothing can change that this is home.

As we drove into town late last night, that feeling of comfort as I recognized landmarks and knew my way around was so nice. This is *my* town. And there are so many things that make it home.

Things like talking to my mom and J until late at night about life and saying, after seeing my dad's gaze wander to my backpack, "Take a look at my textbooks... I know you want to."

Things like crawling into my old bed and falling asleep remembering life lived in that room.

Things like hearing the door creak open in the morning and little girl whispers outside, then a little warm body pouncing on top of me as my 9 year-old Boo crawls on top of me. Lifting up the corner of the sheets with my eyes still glued shut, she slips inside and we talk, all cuddled up, about life.

Things like having J show me her choir songs and having my little brother show off his skills on his tenor horn.

Things like going for a walk downtown and enjoying the day, entering *my* bank and then heading across the street to say "Hi" to a family that misses me and ending up chatting for an hour as their daughter plays peekaboo with me and the conversation ranges from pregnancy to church to college to business.

Things like going to Boo's friend's fundraiser bake sale, and having her hug me as I pick out a cinnamon bun and pay for it, realizing that too often I am ashamed to put myself out there for causes such as this but she is right out there, running along the highway with a sign, raising money for water filters in Cambodia. Feeling proud.

Things like seeing my little brother play Minecraft, hugging my dad good morning, seeing my mom biking around town.

Things like seeing J working with my Monkey and hiding behind trees as they go by on that big red bike, not wanting her to see me and get distracted.

Things like watching the news while eating lunch, and the fact that my mom cracks open a bag of tortilla chips, knowing that they are my one big weakness.

Things like biking around town with my best friend, racing each other to hit the crispiest leaf piles, then heading to Macs to grab slushies, and then watching two episodes of MacGyver.

Things like constructing the Ikea island for our kitchen with the entire family (my best friend's included in my definition of family) and stealing tools from each other.

Things like having my Grandma's birthday celebration moved up a day just because I was home and watching my younger siblings banter over the "treasure" cake and how much money each got in their pieces (and strategizing what pieces they should choose next in order to ensure more booty).

Things like my mom letting Boo stay up late in order to spend some time with me browsing ridiculous Youtube videos.

Things like eating homemade baked oatmeal again, and watching everyone head off to church.

Things that being home mean.

Central

So, just to let you in on the insides of my academic life here at college and to expand on the lesson of centricity mentioned in my previous post, I thought I'd post my first "paper" although it's a summary of a book that we were required to read during our first modular course, so it's more personal and yet formatted essay-ish style. Here 'tis: 

On the completion of reading the assigned chapters, it was challenging to look back at the beginning of the week when I had begun, to the end and the lessons that I had learned in between. Although there were many minute lessons that I gleaned from the pages, there was one big lesson, and as I examine it, I found it to be the most worthwhile one that I could have learned, that being the centricity of Christ in every verse of the Bible.

Starting with the preface, the book challenged my assumptions about the Bible and my thoughts towards reading it. In the preface, I was challenged with the “slightly off-looking cheese sandwich at an old lady’s house” vs. “a huge chocolate sundae at Joe’s ice-cream parlour” analogy that the author offered in terms of how the Bible is seen. Too often I take God’s Word as something to be devoured akin to vegetables; something that’s been instilled within you since your childhood as essential to good nutrition, but without the presence of a maternal figure would never partake of. In this way, the analogy challenged me to view reading God’s Holy Word as a delight rather than something obligatory.

The concept of the centricity of Christ kicked in heavily at the start of the book with the examination of the Old Testament books, as I have often been guilty of writing them off as history and not as applicable to my everyday life as the New Testament is. Yet another consequence of reading about the Old Testament was that I began to see that I had for quite some time been reading the Bible for the particular commands and challenges that could be found, instead of looking at it for Christ. Although those commands and challenges are useful, I had gone from reading about the One who is behind it all, to just reading about all the other things that were simply additional.

One of the biggest challenges for me was discovering the part Jesus played in the Old Testament. For some time, I have wondered what the specific job entitlements or positions the Trinity played but when the author brought up the fact that when people in the Old Testament had seen God, they were seeing Him through Jesus, it caused me to pause. Unknowingly, I had previously stuck Jesus into the context of the New Testament and had rendered Him utterly useless any time previous to that. Although the author’s words struck me as really strange at first, the more that he explained the work of Jesus being the revealer of the Father, the more I realized what a misconception I had of the Trinity.

Through all that I read, it brought me to an appreciation of how the whole Bible works together to tell one grand story with only one Star, and how each part of the Bible is essential in telling that one great Story. Instead of viewing the Old Testament as out-of-date or full of worthless rules now that we are freed by grace, I now realize how much they are pointing, urging, and depicting the coming of Christ in an eloquent display of longing. This longing is then fulfilled in the New Testament and the Story does not stop there. Rather, it continues on into my own life and the work that God can do through me to further His story. Through reading the book, I came to realize how each verse of the Bible points towards Christ and how I really am just a glove, and He is the power that is working His Story through me.

And it's hard to write papers on things that touch my soul. It's not like Social where I'm expounding on a war and the effect it had on the citizens or politics, etc. Rather, I'm expounding on the only Truth and the impact it has on me as a person. It's so wacky... but great. To take everything that I'm learning and apply it in my every day is one of the biggest challenges yet.  

Day 8: Formando Vidas

Journal Entry:
(YWAM compound)
In the afternoon, we went to the YWAM compound. E B was there and we spent time playing with the kids, hearing some of their stories and knowing that any trouble that I go through is so much less than theirs, and eating hamburgers for supper. When S got home, we all gathered around and he told us about their street kids' rehabilitation program. What shone through was his willingness to do everything and anything You told him to do (and he continues to do so today).

The thing that really challenged me was how the whole purpose of his life changed after he was willing to give everything up. I've tried to do that again and again, but I always hang on so tightly to some small part. Honestly, I'm scared to think of what You could and would do in my life if I let You have full control. My ideas and knowledge are so limited to my personal knowledge sphere.

Help me to lay down everything, knowing that You want everything for my good and that You will multiply my wildest dreams into something I can't even imagine. Help me to daily lay down myself and to let go, knowing that You are unchanging and good.

(YWAM school)

Well, You definitely showed me a lot of things today. We taught at the YWAM school which was cool because it catered to street kids and so had a different teaching style. The class sizes were from 3-6, and it was fun working more one-on-one than ever before.

These kids have amazing potential and I'm so glad that You're working in that way to bring kids to You to break the generational cycle.

(The Jungle)

It is an amazing place! Although the different stations are set up from whatever they have, it looks like something any little kid would enjoy. I volunteered to stay at the foosball tables along with whoever else wasn't busy at another station. These kids had never been there before and the joy in their eyes as they went through all the different stations and played to their heart's content, was gladdening to see. It's sad to think that these kids haven't been able to come before because their area is controlled by a guy who says what they can or cannot do.

After a while of playing, everyone sat down and we helped to serve their snack. Then, with the help of some laminated pictures, some of the kids told the story of blood, sacrifice, and sin that started at Genesis and led up to the death of Jesus. Although there's so much that has gone on in their lives, it amazed me to see how much truth can be put into one child's life. Even though it's hard, there is a pastor working among these children, planting seeds that could very well cause a large harvest to be reaped later on. I need to determine to do that in my own life - to do what may seem little, praying that it may grow large in Your hands.

While the kids played for a few more minutes, we hopped into S B's van and toured the region nearby to give us an idea of where the usual kids who come to play come from. Just a few streets up, there was a region that was testament to how much Your love is needed in this city.

I don't know that it must have felt like to be a guy at that moment, because to be a girl was hard enough. To think of these girls, who are being shown daily that "love" can be bought and that they are only useful as toys, makes me cringe. They have no idea of Your love for them, no idea of the beautiful soul that You created within them to be realized, no idea of a Hope beyond what they see every day. What did I do that I am privileged enough to have been born into a Christian family, to live in Canada, to go to the school that I do, and every other thing that I have been blessed with. Why them in this predicament and not me? I am once again glad that You promise them a future and a hope. 

Prayer is essential for wisdom and strength in all these facets of ministry. The cycle of destruction that they are endeavoring to break is powerful. Pray that if delivered that they would not be sucked in later in life but that they would continue in their bright futures. Pray for some of the children to come back and teach (some of them have already done this). Pray for permission from parents to put their kids into these homes that teach them what true family looks like. Pray also for the prostitution zones, for ministries to be started there and for the Christians already there to have opening doors towards their friendships. Pray for the workers as they create relationships of trust with kids through the Jungle. Above all, pray that God`s glory may shine in this ministry and that hearts would be won for the gospel.

More info: http://colombiastreetkids.org/