Constant

It was as I sat there, all scrunched up in a chair, that the familiar warmth over my heart settled in right where my scarf lay. That warmth that's mostly feeling and yet like a slight heaviness on my chest.

I was sitting still, listening to the words of others bringing precious requests before the very throne of God and I was concurring, carrying on my own conversations, praying for the people who were praying, talking, conversing.... doing something that I hadn't done all weekend.

And He was waiting. Waiting to show me how much I missed the warmth of sitting in His presence, held in those arms that wrap so completely around me and leaving me feeling like I'm holding a glowing anchor connected to a string leading all the way up to Him.

But He's right there.

Maybe I thought it would be easier, but I suspect that I knew that it would be this hard.

This weekend was so full. Full of good things. But not full of Him.

And I know that I get easily disillusioned by thinking that if I don't have time to do my devos, then I'm not really spending time with Him.

But it's the moment by moment that really should be my indication of how in tune I am with Him. The constant conversations and thankfulness for everyday beauty and discussing things brought up in class, just being aware of His presence.

Doing devos regularly is a big battle for me here, especially with wanting to sleep as much as I can. So I schedule it in and yet I miss it being the very first thing in my day.

At the same time, He is not confined to a box, and as I sat in that couch, it was as if I was feeling that sense of warm safety coming over me. That feeling or mindset (can you really every truly completely describe what it feels like to have God near?) when I'm listening and talking, and we're communing, and I'm in His presence, knowing that I'm an undeserving child of God and yet a child of God nonetheless.

And to have His Spirit moving in my heart, impressing things on my mind and being able to slip back into that, and to realize how much I missed it. To have that longing brush against my mind and to realize how much I need Him.

I am nothing by myself. And even with Him, it's all about Him.

Then to go to SNOW and to be able to sing about the wonder of such a God. Worshiping the majesty and glory that is His no matter what happens in my life. He is GOOD and someday in heaven we'll see what that really looks like. Holding hands high and abandoning myself in awe of the One who created all of me.

Realizing that knowing Him is about both the big worship moments and the quite intimate moments.

And as I start out a new week, I want to keep that longing, to realize that He is the top priority and to come and sit before Him and know Him more. To open up my heart and let Him chisel away at will even though it may hurt.

I want my heart's song to only and ever be, "Jesus.... Jesus."