Risk

At last week's Colombia meeting, S showed us some pictures from the Colombia trip last year. I'm already starting to get excited as the date creeps closer and closer (less than 75 days!), but as she neared the end of her pictures, she brought up something that I hadn't been formerly informed about. She turned to a few pictures of kids playing around in a yard, a big imposing house in the background and then explained... that we're visiting a physically and mentally disabled holding house.

As S was telling her story of seeing things that white people aren't normally allowed to see there, my heart tugged and I wanted to change it. Wanted to make all the boo-boos better. Because, people who have nobody else is a very real *passion* of mine. And I'm so excited to see how He's going to grow and make that passion flourish when I'm surrounded by those in need. I love playing with kids, getting them to laugh, making up games, passing the time marveling at the world with them... but I'm also scared.

Scared that I will crawl back into my old shell, will be introverted, will not plunk down and feel instantly at home and start playing with kids. Because... I've always been afraid of getting hurt. Not physically, but emotionally. Of heartache, of pain, of sorrow, of tears.

I've had a lot of that in my life. A lot of pulling away, being uprooted, saying good-bye. Or.. even worse... not being able to say good-bye at all. Of having to leave a country where I grew up and never get to go to my childhood haunts and say good-bye. And I'm scared to bare my heart for all to latch onto, and then to be ripped away again. But... maybe He's calling me to that. Maybe... just, maybe, He's calling me to let it hurt. To let Him work through a passion and calling strong in my heart. To allowing Him to work through my affections to craft me into a more caring and affectionate person. But it hurts.

And these thoughts brought to mind something that I wrote less than a year ago. Because these struggles will come back time and again, when I'm faced with loving those who I think are unlovable, with those that I don't want to risk having my heart attached to. When I love.

Love (March 20th, 2011)

So often when I look around
there are people
without a sound
longing to be loved.

But when I'm among them
Only casual greetings pass my lips
And when alone I search
and find
that I'm afraid.

Afraid of what might happen
if I let go
Fearful of the repercussions
of letting my heart show

To open my arms
and heart to a world of need
Takes one who is higher than me
I am so used
to saying good-bye
Of tears and uprooted feelings

Through it all,
My heart's gotten wise
And built a wall
Tall and wide

So each day I work
Taking, brick by brick,
Apart this wall of
Shelter my heart has built.

 And with new eyes enter
A world that is pleading
to know the One above
So, taking my chances...

I let go of fear
Of reproof, dismissal, disdain,
and open wide a helping heart
Realizing what love's really about

It's not about feelings
although those play a part
It's a choice to let go
Of getting dirty and low...

 And allowing the hurt,
The pain and the dirt
Finding that love...
is about holding nothing back.