Worthy

These last days have been hard.

Diploma exams, friends, test, assignments, conversations, appointments, sleep... they all swirl around this head that is tired of hearing it all.

And I find myself stressing. Stressing over the tiniest mistakes I make, regretting those moments during tests when I changed answers, thinking about what I could've done differently.

Becoming overly competitive and slightly hostile towards those who are trying to pursue the same thing as me... excellence.

The thing is, this excellence isn't the good kind.

This excellence is the kind that gives me the glory, the ribbons, the admiring looks, the teacher's knowing nods, the feeling that I have a significant worth in others' eyes.

And as it's been piling up on me, little grievances one upon another, and my calendar stands packed and everything surrounds... He fades.

It was when I was washing dishes late at night, listening to music that makes the mundane a majestic moment, when I heard it.

Words of laying down... of crowns placed at His feet.

Of holiness.

And as my hands paused from their work, and my elbows rested on the edges of the sink, and my eyes closed... I saw.

Saw how my days had been worthless without placing Him at the forefront.

Saw how He is the only reason I live and breathe and if I do not glorify Him in my day... it had no purpose.

And I lay them down.

Those crowns that I have been hoarding, kept in a cupboard so that I could shine them and meditate on the greatness of... myself.

Bringing them out hurt. Their glimmer seems like dirt when placed next to His feet.

But that's where they belong.

And I belong bowed there. Seeking only Him.

Finding Him... worthy.

Worthy of all the opportunities I may have to let go, worthy of all my time, energy and talents, worthy of my money, worthy of... everything that I am.

Worthy of being seeked with all of my heart.