Loving

Weekends are my downfall.

All my weekly habits go down the drain when it comes to days when sleeping in and watching movies seem to consume my time.

And with that goes my devotions. It's something I struggle with so hard, because even throughout my week, my longing to be in His presence alone and to hear His heart beat, to pour out my frustrations and listen for His voice, to read His word and to work through things in my heart, should be intense.

It shouldn't take a habit to bring me before Him in a quiet space where there is no one else.

Although we chat throughout the day, I should long to come alone and just be before Him. And this habit helps form my day so that I am come before His presence.

But am I at the place where, when I am before Him, I am not constantly checking my watch to see how much time is left before class starts?  Am I at the place where I can sit and be in His presence and enjoy the feeling of closeness instead of dreading it's passing? Am I at the place where I voraciously consume His Word and that it is sweet to my taste? Am I at the place where throughout the day, my ear is open to what He might say in a situation?

No.

Nowhere close. And here's another thing that I struggle with... how much is this about me putting guidelines on myself versus stepping out of the way and letting Him go at my heart with a jackhammer, breaking through the stone encasing and causing my heart to be soft towards Him?

Because it's all about the heart. And I know that my heart is soft to the extent that I know that He longs for me to come into His presence and I enjoy the times we have together and throughout the day, things will trigger conversations or spats between us.

But abiding? Constantly surrendering? Letting myself be consumed by this All Consuming Fire? Panting for Him with all that I am?

As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before Him? (Psalm 42:1-2)

It's so easy to get discouraged.

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put  my hope in God! I will praise Him again -- my Saviour and my God! (Psalm 42:5)

But at the same time as I doubt that I will ever move along, He tells me that I'm still a work in progress. That He's got a master plan and it's not shown to me because right now because I would tremble at all that He has planned for me.

And you know what? I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that He *is* able to keep that which I've committed, unto Him until that day.

I'm still a work in progress, we all are. But He comes and overwhelms my heart with this constant, unfailing, never wavering, passionate love for someone so weak, sinful, doubting and disillusioned as I am.

But each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life. (Psalm 42:8)

And I can't get over Him.