Struggling

I have so many doubts... so many fears. I wish I lived in a bubble sometimes, not having to care about anything but what to do next. But what is life but the adventure of living, surviving, getting through? With only a few weeks left until school starts, I'm struggling with how He provides. I knew that He wanted to me go to Colombia.. but now? It seems like money is trickling in. Where's the line between trusting and trying? For putting myself out there?

And yet, another struggle. One that will last just as long. How important is He to me? How much do I value His holiness? A few friends asked me the other day to participate in an event with them, and I was surprised, but very happy. And then comes the news... it takes place on a Sunday. Questions immediately fill my mind. Why is the Sabbath holy anyway? What is it about it that I shouldn't do a race on it? Talking to my parents, getting their views.. it's all so confusing but something that I need to determine for myself. What is my stance on Sundays? As a family, we try to not go out to places to eat, and instead stay home and rest, maybe do some family things. As kids, we're not "allowed" to do homework. It's not a law, but something that we try and do to honor Him and to give ourselves a rest.

But what about me? Personally? It's so much easier when it's someone else holding a law or line above your head instead of yourself. Because then you start to wiggle, question, try to squirm around it, put it off until next time, so that eventually, it's not effective at all anymore. This issue about Sunday and what my views about how I personally am going to respect it .... is causing me to struggle. Because I want to be with my friends sooo badly. And yet I recognize that He may want something different from me. Would I be willing to give up spending time with my friends if it means keeping the Sabbath holy? How important is He to me?

As I start to do a topical study on it, just with the small concordance my Bible has in the back, certain words are brought up again and again. Holy... honor... rest... Where do they all come together? Ultimately, it's a fight between me doing what I want, or the possibility of Him asking me to do what I don't want. This is what it means to follow Him: laying down myself, knowing that He is better.

And yet, to find peace in whatever decision that He brings. To stand firm and to not sway. To find the line between "if I do this... but, this..." and working something out. I sit here, struggling... knowing that He knows.