Reassuring

It's amazing how much you can miss sand, wooden buildings, a lake, and even a dock with seagull poop on it. But even more than that, I miss the people. The constant hustle and bustle that filled up every day to the top, spilling over until some days, it was too much.

The people who came new every week, those children and teens who needed so much love spoken into their lives. Needed the love that only a Father can give, but also the reassurance of another that all was well because it was held in His hand. Those children who tested my patience, but who gave so much in return. Those teens who might have been hard to connect to, and yet when offered brokenness, took it and gave their own life stories in return.

But, ultimately, I miss the people who formed the backbone of Camp. Those fellow staff with whom I felt free to be myself, whether wacky or normal. Those girls with whom I giggled and spent late nights talking about camper and personal problems. Those boys who taught me what it looks like to have older brothers. A director who spoke so much godly wisdom and day-to-day living in Christ into my life.

I miss the closeness that I felt to nature, and through nature, to God. And although He remains constant no matter where I may be, it's harder to peel back the everyday moments of life to see how God works through each one instead of being saturated with it through devotions, chapel, Bible class, Bible memory and then another chapel and evening devos.

I miss the palpable good felt at the end of every day. The assurance of a new understanding in their eyes and the eagerness to pursue it the following morning. The seeming fulfillment of a mission at the end of every week and the lessons learned every day when faced with a variety of personalities and characteristics. The challenges, the wins, and the losses. The independence and the growing that happened this past month.

There was one day that wasn't going so great. I was feeling down, life was going way too slowly, my girls were causing trouble, but more than that, I seemingly couldn't break through to them. I was walking through the playground, and I was looking down.

Then I looked up:

He didn't have to... but He did. And it was as if He was saying,"See, my child? I am here. Always here. No matter what you feel like. No matter what you are going through. I have a plan for you... and it is perfect. I do not make mistakes. I am here. I love you. I love you this much."

He was reassuring me that I was in the right place at the right time. And you know what? He knew what He was doing (as always). That week, although my hardest, was my most rewarding. Four girls prayed to accept Him that week. And I was nothing but a vessel.

And as I'm sitting here on a bed that has yet to be made, with laundry waiting to be switched, and things scattered all over my floor, with people to catch up with, computer scans to run, finances to balance.... I feel overwhelmed.

I want to be back there, where my new normal was.

But that's not where He's putting me right now. And I realize that letting memories overtake me will stop me from doing what He has placed me to do right here. It's so easy for me to slip back into the pattern of just being instead of everyday seeking out what I can do to change someone's day, to make a little bit of difference, to spread His love. If you've ever read through my Colombia Diaries (link above), it's the same feeling that I felt when leaving that beautiful country.

But as I struggled with all that I feeling in regards to letting go and yet continuing on, I met with Him.

And after venting a bit, through writing and talking out loud, crying out for help and encouragement, I felt a call to turn to Philippians. And turning to the very first page, I saw it...

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." (Philippians 1:6, NLT)

Underlined ages ago, but spoken to me today.

He has not changed. He never has, and He never will. And I didn't start the work going on in my heart. No, He did. And He is faithful. He knows what He's doing. I just need to be willing to listen, learn, and put into action what He's teaching me. It's a journey, not something that can be described as either connected to Him or not connected to Him. There will be ups and downs, but He's always there.

And as I looked out of the window, guess what I saw? Yup.

He must know that I have a thing for sunsets. But then again, if anyone would know, it would be Him.

And it's just the thing I need to hear again, those words, "I know what I am doing. I am here. Trust me. I am here."

Just the reassurance I need.