Day 6: Foundation Nina Maria

Journal Entry:

Father, today You broke my heart. I was hoping that it would come, and that Your compassion would break though, that I would be able to feel deeply - to cry. Throughout this trip, I have longed to have more emotions, that I would get attached and not want to leave a place. So far, I've just gone throughout each day terribly touched but not to the point of breaking.

I knew that today that we were heading to the handicapped foundation and I was dreading it. Since I've grown up surrounded with people like my cousin who has cerebral palsy, my sister when she was sick with Lyme and then working with a mentally and physically disabled girl, I find my heart a captive of their innocence and purity.

It was hard to jump  into playing with them, to get past the physical differences (I was ashamed that it took me so long), but it eventually got to the point where I saw their souls. That point wherein my only goal is to make them smile, to find their personality and to cater to it.

My heart became so happy when I saw a boy named P who was signing. It seems as if signing is my territory and even though he had a totally different vocabulary and way of signing, I was gladdened to see the way that he communicated and how others helped him out.

Although these children have a supporting staff and a pretty amazing facility, they have no way to advance, to show what jewels they are when shined up. These kids have been either rejected by their families, or society, or by both. It makes me so sad that there isn't anyone here to work one-on-one with them and that they really have no future. We were able to give them only one afternoon of laughter and as I left, it was painful to realize that tomorrow would be very different most likely.

But through it all, You spoke. I am so glad that You are the Father of the fatherless, Comforter to the broken, life to the dead - that You care even when others don't. And as many of them surrounded me, I saw once again how their hearts must be among the most precious in Your sight.

Through it all, my heart stayed intact, even when I saw others crying and felt a deep tug on my heart for their plight. During our team meeting, however, I saw others cry, shed a few tears before my turn and spoke tremulously during my turn. After, however, while S was talking, the full impact of what they face and how blessed I am, and how great it is that places like the one here in Canada exist, hit me.

You broke through and I heaved, shuddering, feeling so good once the tears fell. I want my heart to be wise in the ways of unnecessary pain, and yet be open to compassion and breaking. I don't want to let a callus reform over this open rawness, but only You can do that.

As I headed over here, I prayed for You to break my heart for what breaks Yours - and now You're starting to do that. Yes, I may not be "emotional", but I still want to feel deeply about what troubles Your heart. I wonder where You and this passion will lead me. Please keep on breaking! I love You and the things that break Your heart.

No cameras were allowed inside because of security concerns, so I have no pictures to show you. But I think that you can gain from my journal entry the apparent hopelessness that some of these kids are under. Pray that the true Hope would be revealed and that this Foundation would become a place of unbelievable hope. Pray for the staff who have to go through some amazing stuff, that they would always be full of compassion and that their hearts would never get hardened. Pray for the futures of these kids, that they may be ones of hope and not despair. Pray that the Father of all would become apparent to them.