Would I?

On the last night of camp, one of the senior guy counselors got up to share during the fireside and what he said hit me hard. He had been struggling with the question: "If I had the choice right now to go to heaven or not, would I?" It hit me hard because I've struggled a lot with this in the past. I have so many dreams and yet I know that what He's got in store is so much better.

I went to a wedding today, saw all that happened, closed my eyes during the music and dreamed. Someday... I want these things. I want to fall in love, deeply, madly, wholly. I want to smile and feel accepted by the one that He will give me. I want to hold hands and walk down streets talking about anything and everything. I want to get married, join in a union before Him and my family and friends. I want to celebrate. To be known and to know fully of that one. To travel the world.
To swell with the gift of children. To have sticky fingers holding my own. To gather my arms full of those that He has blessed me with. To see them off to school, to make their lunches. To someday see them graduated, to be proud of everything that I have done, even though at times I will feel as though I have failed. To present to the world children who are not ashamed of who they are in Him, but will share it in the way that they live.  To grow old and gray. To visit my grandchildren. To someday say goodbye and go home to be with Him.

All this talk of going home yesterday made me question where my home really is. Am I so attached to the earth that I truly and really think of it as my one and only home? Or do I give it only the importance that it is due as a temporary resting place before I pass on? I have so many dreams. And yet, do I envy those who are already in His presence? Do I long to be held in His embrace. I came home today to a father back from a long trip. Do I long to hug Him as tightly as I hugged my earthly father? Sometimes that answer changes. Sometimes it's yes... and sometimes it's no. But what should it be? I know the right answer. Yet, my vision is so often skewed. We're brought up to think that this life is what we're living for, instead of only a mere training phase before the real thing happens. We're taught to think of life as a good thing and death as a bad thing, when really it only opens up the doors to even more. Sure, we mourn those who are gone, and yet, if they are passing on to joy, we will see them again. It's not really passing on.. more like passing forward, while we are left behind. Do I feel left behind? Or do I feel ahead? The question remains... would I?