Lost and Found

It was a hard day today... full of ups and downs... valleys and mountains, with no plains in sight. It's kind of nice to be noticed... not that I'm normally not, but braces do give one some special distinction... or so it would seem. They hurt... they need to be cleaned... it took me three times as long to eat my lunch than it normally does. But the biggest dips of the day came in the last two periods. Band class. We started off with a drumline. A DRUMLINE!! Having grown up in Africa, there was no way that I would not be gyrating and moving to that beat, drumming to my heart's content. In some way, those rhythmic pulses unify people and their purposes in a way that the less knowledgeable have found out sooner than the rest of the world. The music rolled and I was enjoying it.... creating new skills, laughing at my mistakes, sitting on a high stool and not being able to tap the beat because my feet couldn't reach the floor. It felt like a long lost string in my soul was vibrating and I was just able to enjoy... enjoy as I have not for a long while. I wanted to be swept away...

Now for Part 2: Actually Playing
One of my friends had suggested earlier that it would be interesting to see how I could play the flute with braces on. I hadn't really thought about it, but it wasn't as if my mouth shape had changed, so I wasn't worried. I opened up the case, picking up the pieces and fitting them together... proud of their gleam. All put together, I lifted it to my lips and tried to play a scale. Only air... ONLY AIR? My heart plummeted and I frantically tried to do anything I could to make a sound. I rolled the flute in, made my mouth different shapes....all the while the sharp ends of the braces were hurting my teeth.

I felt stripped. So lost. So un-made.

My main forms of communication are through my writing and through music. Now one of those is gone for me... at least for awhile. I am not absorbed by the flute... it's not my life... but it's the one thing that allows me to express myself fluidly, without trying (although poetry works in a similar way). To have that ability which I took so for granted taken away from me shocked me. We played through a song, and I could only hit occasional notes, and that took a lot of effort. The conductor looked over at me and asked me if I knew which part I was playing and I nodded. Tears were starting to form in my eyes... I had been proud of my ability... never really working for what I had gotten. In the majority of the areas of my life this is true. Now all I could say was, "Braces." I wanted to rip them out, stomp them, and get back to my normal life. I felt as if I was blind, having lost something that I had never really noticed before. It's always been so natural... I've never been able to whistle, so I can't miss the memories that haven't been made. But that flute represents a part of me that was found three years ago when Mr. J came to our school. When he gave me the power to express myself, I grew new feathers, sprouted new wings. I could fly, because I was free...

Now I feel alone... and resentful. But that's wrong. No matter how much I don't like the situation... it's for some good. So I say with conviction.... I like the weather today.