Finding Myself

It's one thing to know who you are, and quite another to have you tell you what you are while looking eye to eye. The crazy thing is when they match perfectly.

Having seen myself from someone else's perspective, having heard about how I've hidden behind being Ms. Perfect and holding to my parent's standards as my security (Mom and Dad... no worries!), and how only now am I breaking free and smiling more freely, I begin to think. I begin to realize how I don't really hide my heart as well as I thought. How it really is out there on my sleeve for all to see, by whether I'm smiling and being interactive. But that's good. Good to be transparent, good to allow for help.

I have worn a mask, but not unintentionally and not intentionally either. It's one of those things that situations force on you. When J was so sick, I began to morph. I began to become the one that hid, the one that comforted, the one that silently led. This isn't totally out of my actual personality, but I also became Ms. Perfect so that there was no more reasons to cause my parents to worry. They already had enough to worry about, and I wanted to help out in any way that I could, which, in this instance, included secluding myself. Because she was so time consuming, I stayed at home so that they never had to worry about where I was. Because they were concerned about her schooling, I got As. Because they were busy with getting her ready/surviving, I helped out my younger siblings.

I don't blame them, the situation, J, or anybody. It's just what happened. And it became who I was. I pushed myself into that form and didn't allow myself to come out. I was secure as long as I had my parent's approval and high marks.

Now, J's been off medications for over 6 months and I can breathe. Not that I ever felt any pressure before. This is so hard to explain. I'm alright with everything that happened. I'm not angry! But I'm just saying that I realize that I have hidden behind some masks, just as everyone does during their lives.

Now, and only now, do I feel secure in other things. In my friends, in spontaneity, in lower marks (okay... still working on that one!), in loving and allowing God to work in my life. I'm coming through that brick wall, and I'm so excited to see what will happen! I want to know what I will be like now, how I will react to situations, what I will still fear, what I will enjoy more, what I will be!

I do also wonder, though, what I would've been like, barring that situation from happening. Yes, I am who I am genetically, but I am who I am through situations. How much am I formed because of my environment instead of who I was created to be? And yet, didn't He create me not only to be myself, but to respond in these ways to these situations? How much is good and how much bad? What do I change and what do I allow?

Confusing, and yet just joyful musings. I don't feel that I hide behind a mask that is solid, but sometimes I do hide behind one slightly muted in colour during times when I want to impress, when I want to make a point, when I am put in front of people, etc. I still hide. I do. But how can I use that to further find myself, the one that He has created for His joy and glory? That is the question.